Just an End-of-the-Month Ramble

Originally published on November 26th, 2019

Last year, when I had trouble staying on top of this blog, I would sporadically post something super rambly and call it a day. Now that my blog can count as homework for my media writing class, I’ve had that extra motivation to keep up with it, hence the lack of rambles (for the most part). But I realized the other day that I kind of miss just sitting at my computer on a random Wednesday and writing about what’s going on in my life. I know I kind of do this in the Detox Tea Talks, but the November one was kind of a downer, so here’s a little end-of-the-month ramble for this Tuesday.

Before I get too far into it, I should let you know that I am writing this on Wednesday the 13th, so even though when you read this I’ll be home for Thanksgiving break, right now I am sitting in a bakery writing in the sixteen minutes I have left before I need to walk to my first class.

My walks to class have been pretty cold as of late. Walla Walla seems to have completely skipped over fall this year and headed straight to winter once September ended. Right now it’s 36 degrees and very foggy. I’ve been enjoying the fog lately, but I have a feeling if it’s still here by next week I’ll want the sun back again. The walks to class and work have been colder than they were last year, but the air smells exactly the same as it did last November. While at work yesterday I turned to Dorea and said, “This is probably going to sound strange, but the air smells like Eleemosynary.” She looked at my skeptically until I explained that I meant the air smells just like it did when me, her, and Rylee did Scene 5 from a Lee Blessing play entitled Eleemosynary. When I said the air smelled like the play, I meant the air smells nostalgic.

I’ve gotten some strange looks in the past few weeks whenever I’ve mentioned that I love November in Walla Walla. And I get it, it is a pretty dreary month up here. But what I’ve realized in the past little bit is I love November in Walla Walla because last year it was when everything started to click for me. Doing that scene for acting class with Rylee and Dorea opened a lot of doors for me. Although it was a pretty emotional time and a lot of stuff isn’t quite healed from it yet, I was able to form friendships that have lasted ever since.

I had no idea what the rest of my Freshman year would look like. I had no idea how different everything would be once Fall Quarter ended. I didn’t love that first quarter of college, and I don’t think there’s enough money or gold in the world to make me go back, but there were good moments that I tend to overlook. Although that quarter wasn’t that great, it was the start of a lot of truly magnificent things. The air smells like those magnificent things.

November smells like going to see Arsenic and Old Lace with Dorea and then listening to Alec Benjamin songs on the way home. It smells like créme brulee and getting to help with You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown. November smells like the end of being an English major and the corner before hearing about drama therapy for the first time. November smells like the first talks with Emma, and the first time I made Nathan and Rylee laugh, and the time I stayed up all night texting a boy.

November smells like nostalgia. I wonder what February will smell like.

I Made Some Changes (shocking, I know)

Originally published on November 23rd, 2019

Hello and welcome to this installment of “Claira doesn’t really know what she wants to do with her life and even though she technically knows that’s okay, she’s really freaked out about it so she’s changing things again in order to feel a little bit more in control.” It’s a fun time, over here at KeepsUsStargazing, I promise. This month I changed a couple things around. I’m still living in the same place, and I’m still majoring in Global Communication with minors in drama and psychology. Still, in keeping with my schedule of changing a least one thing every quarter (a system I hope changes soon), I had to move something around. So, without further ado…

I got new glasses.

Ha, just kidding. I mean, I did get new glasses, but that’s not the main thing I changed this month (actually, this week). As I’ve mentioned before, I am a Global Communication major and part of that means I choose an emphasis in either Spanish or French, spend at least a quarter in a country that speaks the language I choose (Spain, Argentina, or France), and then take classes and directed reading courses taught entirely in that language back here in Walla Walla. Back in May, I chose to emphasize in Spanish. I wanted to (still do) be a Drama Therapist, and the goal was to work with immigrant children. I still want to work with children who have been exposed to chronic trauma, I’m just choosing to broaden what that looks like.

I still care deeply about what’s happening at the US/Mexico border right now, and throughout the country. I still want to do whatever I can to help, and I know that if in the future I get an opportunity to do drama therapy with a bunch of kids whose language I don’t speak, I’ll figure it out. My end goal is and always has been (since I was seventeen) to own a theatre where I teach, act, direct, and create for a living. I’d love therapy to be part of that. There isn’t a place anywhere that lives in the overlap of theatre, therapy, and education, and the further I go the more convinced I am that this is a good idea. I’m not saying French is going to help me get there. In fact, I don’t really have a career-oriented reason to switch.

There aren’t a lot of reasons why I chose to switch my emphasis to French, but there are a couple. I still find it odd that I managed to test out of French 101 without any prior classes back in September of last year, but that fact has paid off now that I’m jumping into French 102 next quarter. I’m also trying really hard to stay in one place for three years, and I can’t do that if I stick with Spanish. Why I’m trying to stay in one place for three years is a conversation for another day, but it’s a big reason why I switched.

As odd as it may seem to hear me- a very detail, career-oriented person- say it, one of the biggest reasons I switched was simply so I could learn language I’ve always wanted to learn and spend some time in a country I love. Also, this means that when my mom and I return to France someday, I can do all the talking this time and she can take all the pictures and eat all the crêpes she wants.

You Know Yourself Best

Originally published on November 19th, 2019

Back in May of 2018, I made a decision no one was expecting. I had done all the preparation. I’d done all my homework (and even finished my math class two weeks early), I’d written my family tribute for graduation, and I’d packed my bags. I was all ready to go. I showed up to school bright and early, and did my final economics presentation. I went with the rest of my class out to the front curb, bags in hand. The cars pulled up, we split into groups, and then I texted my mom to say I didn’t want to go. I was anxious, tired, and overwhelmed. Despite all my preparing, I was just kinda… done. I talked to my principal/class sponsor and government teacher, and said I didn’t want to go on the senior class trip. They both asked some questions to make sure I was sure I didn’t want to go, but I held my ground, called my grandmother to see if she could pick me up, and went back inside the school.

My religion teacher/vice principal saw me walking past the gazebo with my bags and told me to go wait in her office. I wandered in and waited for her to follow. After walking in and sitting down in front of me, she said all she wanted to do was make sure I was making a decision that was good for me. I told her I was really tired, and I explained how stressed and overwhelmed I had been. She got it. She had, after all, been there for both breakdowns I’d had in the previous couple of months. We talked for a little while and then she said she could tell I was making a good decision for me, and I went back outside to wait for my grandmother to pull up. She picked me up, dropped me off at home, and I crawled into bed with the rest of the ice-cream from the freezer and settled in for four days completely school and stress-free.

Like I said, no one was expecting me to not go on the class trip. Sure, I hadn’t been overly excited about it during the lead-up, and I hadn’t packed until the last minute because I was stressing the night before, but I don’t think anyone was expecting me to choose not to go at all. Weirdly, though, I don’t regret my decision. I spent that weekend catching up on some much-needed sleep, reading a book I’d been wanting to crack open for a while, and going to my previous high school’s graduation to see my first high school class graduate. I was able to sneak my way in and surprise some friends, hence the picture below.

I’m pretty lucky that I have a family and had teachers who supported my decision to skip out on the class trip. I’m lucky that had two friends who understood how overwhelmed I had been feeling and how much I really needed four days of nothing to recuperate. If I hadn’t had those days off, I’m pretty sure my day-long panic attack on my last day of school would have turned into a full on breakdown. The end of my senior year was really rough, and I hadn’t been taking care of myself well enough to handle everything. But as soon as I realized what I needed to do, I did it. And that’s what matters, I think.

The moral of this story is you know yourself best. I knew that going on that class trip was just going to be more stress and wouldn’t be the relaxing four days I so badly needed. In the eyes of a lot of people, I’m sure it seemed really weird that I wasn’t going on my senior class trip. It probably seemed like I was wasting an opportunity that I had worked really hard to earn. And the thing is, I did work hard. But I knew that the thing I earned wasn’t what I would get on that trip. For much of my class, I’m sure the trip that had been planned would be really relaxing for them, but for me I needed my ice-cream, books, sleep, and the chance to see some of my best friends graduate high school. I knew myself best, and luckily this was a time when I listened.

What I Learned From Spraining My Ankle

Originally published on November 16th, 2019

A little over two months ago, I sprained my ankle. How, you may ask? Well, when I went to visit Emma in Oregon back in September, I went via train. The trip was supposed to take twelve hours, but after some complications around 2:00 AM, it instead took a whole fourteen. Also, I didn’t eat anything the entire time. Once I got off the train and found Emma, we got boba (nope, I still hadn’t eaten). After getting the boba, we started walking again and, seemingly all of a sudden, I got very dizzy, started to fall over, tripped over a lip in the concrete, and fell over- spraining my ankle in the process.

Yeah, not my best day (this was, by the way, 100% my fault. Emma had nothing to do with it).

I spent the next couple days icing it, but I didn’t do anything else. Emma kept asking me if I wanted to wrap it, but I kept insisting it was fine. Apparently, I thought a swollen ankle the size of a tennis ball was completely normal. While in Oregon I (or, Emma) took fairly good care of it. It was iced for most of the time, but I still walked on it a lot. In my defense, I was in Oregon. It’s a really beautiful state. I wanted to go on walks. It was also the last time I would see Kiana until I visit her in Spain, and how could I let a friendship that was basically founded on walks go walk-less for longer than it had to?

Yeah, I know. Not my best days (for the ankle, at least. I, on the other hand, had a great time).

It took a couple of weeks, but eventually the swelling went way down and it didn’t hurt to stand on it as much. I was able to move into my dorm room without too much difficulty, though my mom did insist I take the elevator instead of going up five flights of stairs to get to the sixth floor. I kept forgetting I’d injured it, until I’d have to run to catch a door, or chase after a child, or, the most unfortunate, pretend to be a monkey for a play.

Remember how back in October I redacted one of my statements in the Detox Tea Talk and said I was actually doing a play? Well, I was supposed to. But I got to the first rehearsal, and was physically unable to do most of what would be required. My ankle kept giving out. I was crushed. Finally, I went in to the clinic and got it looked at. The practitioner I met with was surprised it was still bothering me two months after the initial injury, and ordered an x-ray and gave me a brace which I have been instructed to wear for as much as possible. The frustrating thing, which Emma pointed out when I told her how the appointment had gone, is if I’d just continued to ice it and stayed off of it as much as possible after returning from Oregon, it probably would have healed completely by now. My problem was I had trouble believing anything was wrong with it. I couldn’t wrap my head around how a simple fall could render my ankle this impaired.

The thing is, I assumed it would have had to have been a much worse situation for my ankle to be as injured as it was. Other people sprained ankles all the time, and their stories were worse than just falling over after being on a train for fourteen hours. Those who were car accidents, or fell down stairs, were playing a sport, or anything other than my situation- they deserved to go to the doctor and get it looked at. They deserved the ice and the brace and the x-ray. Not me. I was fine.

I’ve talked about this a little bit lately, but I have trouble believing my own pain when everyone around me seems to have so much more of it. Imagined or not, I ignore my whole predicaments and try my best to be there for everyone else. Done healthfully, that’s a good thing. It is possible to be there for other people and take care of yourself at the same time. I’m in therapy to learn how to do just that. But ignoring your sprained ankle because one of your friends is in the hospital, or pretending you’re not having a bad day because one of your friends is depressed doesn’t help anyone. Your sprained ankle and your bad day are still things that need to be looked at and figured out. You can’t help anyone if you aren’t helping yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You need to put your oxygen mask on first. I’m still figuring out how to do that, but I’ll get there. I’ll learn.

Detox Tea Talk: November 2019

Originally published on November 12th, 2019

Hi, I have many a qualm. If you’ve read my monthly blogs from September and October, or if you’ve talked to me on the phone at all since I’ve been back at school, you may have picked up that this year hasn’t really lived up to my expectations. I know I’m supposed to let things happen as they will and not worry too much about planning, but wow this quarter has not been a fun time. I am very ready for Thanksgiving break.

Remember how last month I talked about how I need to get better at making space for myself? Yeah, so instead of doing that I just didn’t. And then a couple weeks ago on a Friday I had a full breakdown in the prop room in front of Emma and Nathan, which I had never done. I’ve cried in front of them a billion times, yeah, but I’ve never fully broken down in front of anyone but my mom. I didn’t like it. The breakdown continued for the rest of the weekend, but I carried on like nothing had happened. I went to be with all the kids (which went okay, as you’ll see in the monthly blog), stage managed the opera (which also went okay), and helped clear the black box so tech week could start for Ada and the Engine. I broke down, and then didn’t do anything about it.

So, on Wednesday, my brain decided it couldn’t do anything to make me slow down and instead called my body in for help. I got to work and felt really sick. I clocked in, felt too awful to clear props, and clocked out again. I went to find my other boss to ask if I could take papers home and grade them there instead, and before I could say anything she said, “You look pale, are you feeling okay?” and then told me to go home and sleep. Spoiler alert: I didn’t. Instead I worked on a group project, went to an Ada rehearsal, got back around 12:00, didn’t fall asleep until 1:30, and the got up at 5:30 to go to the bakery to finish writing my director’s vision essay.

I went to my classes, and by the time I got to Media Writing (the class my professor/boss teaches), my friend Lindsey told me I still wasn’t looking any better than I had the day before. My professor put her hand on my forehead and told me to get the assignment in class and then go sleep. I finally did. I ran into Rylee, who is stage managing Ada, on the way back to my dorm and she told me not to worry about the invited dress rehearsal. I went to my room, binged watched Gilmore Girls for the rest of the day, and then went to sleep at around 8:30. I still woke up at 6:00 and that brings us to now, with me writing this out at the bakery.

I’m still not feeling great, but I am feeling slightly better after getting enough sleep last night. This weekend is going to be another stressful one, since I’m going to the kids as usual and then house managing Ada. Actually, both weekends before Thanksgiving break are looking the same. After Thanksgiving break ends I have dead week, finals, and then finally this quarter will be over. I’m telling you, after last fall quarter and then this one, I don’t have high hopes for fall in Walla Walla.

But, to not leave this on such a bad note, here are some of the things I’ve done well in the last eight weeks: I started going back to counseling. I found a play I really like to direct next quarter. I learned to recognize when I’m not stepping back into my own emotions after being there for others’. I stage managed an opera. I spent a lot of time with a lot of kids. I haven’t really enjoyed the last eight weeks, but there have been good moments. I’m feeling better about finals than I did last fall, and I still have high hopes for next quarter.

Love,
Claira

Magic Trick

Originally published on November 09th, 2019

I have dreamed you into a metaphor.
Cut off your limbs and replaced them with fireworks.
Stood back and waited for them to explode.

You are not the first boy I have thought I loved.
You are just reminiscent of him-
a dizzy, complex, beautiful, new thing.
But you are not a magic trick.
You are a firework.
I do not feel a need to understand you.

Your Story is Still Yours

Originally published on November 05th, 2019

It feels like it’s been a while since I did the whole “here’s a story from my life and here’s a lesson I learned from it” thing, but here we are again. This is a format I know well, so hopefully I’ll get this written and published by tomorrow (I’m writing this on the 04th, it’s supposed to go up on the 05th, and I’m hoping you’re not reading this on the 15th because I procrastinated too much).

Anyway, so, as you may know, I have returned to weekly counseling. I chose to do this for a number of reasons, and the thing that officially made me go back is a story I’m writing for later this month (hopefully… I do have finals soon, though, so we’ll see). The main reason I went back was because I was starting to experience similar feelings to the beginning of my senior year and to how I felt while taking my class back in August. I was nearing compassion fatigue + total breakdown territory. So I made an appointment, had an intake, and then got an email to schedule my official return to weekly counseling.

As of writing this I’ve had two sessions, and I have my third this afternoon. It’s been going pretty well. I go in, we make tea, and then I kind of ramble on about what’s been going on and my therapist somehow manages to take my rambles and make a coherent point out of them. One of the big things she pulled out of my word jumble during the first session was that I seem to give my whole self away when trying to help others. In other words, when I’m listening to someone explain something that’s going on in their lives, I (like most people, I assume) am able to relate to what they’re going through by taking a story from my own experience and remembering how it felt when something similar happened to me. However, instead of leaving it there with a healthy amount of empathy, over the years I have somehow managed to think it makes more sense to then give the other person ownership of my own story. So then whenever I think of my own experience, it somehow becomes connected to the other person and I don’t think of my own self having lived that experience anymore.

Another thing I’ve learned about myself over the last couple weeks is I seem to have this inability to believe that my happiness is just as important as me caring about and for others when they aren’t okay. As an example, A Wrinkle in Time was a really good experience for me. I’m very thankful for it. I got to play a character I love, around people I love, and other people I love came to see it. I was always excited about rehearsals, and I was so sad when it ended. However, there were people around me who had a hard time with parts of the show (to put it very simplistically). Over the last few months, I have stopped thinking of AWIT as having been something really beautiful and good to thinking of it having been something that was bad and that caused a lot of problems. I took this story and experience from my own life and forgot that I lived it. In trying to make sure everyone around me was okay, I forgot that I was there too.

I’m still trying to figure out where to go from here. Like I said, I have another counseling session this afternoon and I’m hoping I’ll start making progress on this whole thing soon. But for now, here’s a reminder for me and maybe for you too- Your story is still yours. No matter how much you focus on other people, or how much you stuff your own happiness down. Your story belongs to you, and you get to claim it no matter what. Yeah, being there for the people you love is important. But don’t forget to be there for yourself, too. Be thankful for the good things around you. Appreciate the little things, take care of yourself, and let your story stay yours.

The One Where I Turn Twenty: October 2019

Originally published on October 31st, 2019

Wednesday, October 02nd - Oh my goodness it’s October and I’m so excited!! In a somewhat odd twist of events, my show for the quarter is an opera put on by the Music department, and I’m stage managing. I know- it’s different, right? I got the score tonight, and I’m very excited to figure out what’s going on. I’m also very excited for tech week, which is when I’ll get to go in and do all the fun backstage things. In other news, I got a second job today. I’m the prop manager for the drama department, but now I’m also a grader for one of the communication professors. So far this week (and especially this month) has been full of surprises, and I’m excited (and a bit nervous) to see what happens next.

Saturday, October 05th - This is a picture of a very sleepy, very happy girl who has just made her first good cup of dorm coffee of the year. I woke up this morning and said to my roommate that I’m pretty sure I look like a disheveled Pippi Longstocking, and she said it fits with how my week had been, which is a fair point. I realized yesterday that this is the first year where I haven’t been actively internally counting down the days until my birthday, and that was a very strange thing to realize. For old time’s sake, I have 24 days until I turn 20 ;-).

Sunday, October 06th - It seems October has become a month of the French braids, and I am definitely okay with that. Today has been another quiet one. I slept in a little, went for a walk, got some homework done, and cleaned my room. And now I can watch Gilmore Girls without feeling the stress that comes with procrastination, which is never a good feeling. It’s been nice to have a really quiet, somewhat productive weekend. Here’s to a good week.

Tuesday, October 08th - I’ve developed a habit of doing the reading for my directing class while sitting on the box from AWIT. It’s still back behind the curtains in the Black Box, and a couple times I week I can be found plopped on top of it, just doing homework and stuff. Directing has proven itself to be very different from acting, which I knew would happen but I don’t think I realized just how different it really is. Although, the preparation for a director and the preparation for an actor do seem to be fairly similar in some aspects. In other news, the detox tea talk I finished for this month is no longer accurate, because I was handed two new things to act in. Friends, this month has been insane so far, and we’re not even halfway through it yet.

Wednesday, October 09th - Today was one I’d known would be busy since the first day back. I had an essay due in one class, an exam in the next, and two interviews to conduct in another. I also read the entirety of The Glass Menagerie, which I’d heard referenced so much but hadn’t read until now. I really liked it, and I’m glad it was required for my Directing class, because I’m not sure I would have ever gotten around to read it if it hadn’t been. As of writing this it’s exactly 5:26, and at 7:00 I’m heading to a rehearsal for the opera, and it’s possible I’m also doing props now? Which I guess makes sense? But oh me oh my oh man, this month is crazy.

Thursday, October 10th - Well. Today was a bad time. I can’t even tell you everything that happened today, mostly because it was all so ridiculous but also because so much of it has to do with other people and other stories that aren’t mine to tell. What I can say is I didn’t have a good day, and I’m very thankful that tomorrow is Friday and I get a weekend off.

Sunday, October 13th - This weekend was filled with a bunch of kids and a bunch of laughter. More laughter than I’ve had in a while, actually, and for that it was a good weekend. Unfortunately, this weekend was also filled with a bit of confrontation and a touch of tough love, two things I needed but didn’t really want. But yesterday I did get to see someone I hadn’t seen in a while, and it was really good to see her. I’m hoping for a calm upcoming week. Just a week filled with normal days, please and thank you.

Tuesday, October 15th - Lately I’ve been trying to count my blessings a bit more. I used to be really good at thankfulness, and finding things to be thankful for everyday. Over the lats couple years, however, I’ve found that habit to be slipping away. So lately I’ve been trying to think of five things to be thankful for at any given moment. For instance, right now, at 8:23 on this Tuesday morning, I am thankful for: $2.00 drip coffee with free refills, having a bit more time to sleep in during the week (even though “sleeping in” means 7:00 for me), knowing Emma is on her way to the bakery soon, kind people who work at the bakery, and being only two weeks away from my birthday. Along with trying to find more to be thankful for, I’m trying to remind myself in times of stress that I am feeling stressed and a bit anxious because I care. And I care because the things I’m worried about are things I’ve been dreaming of for so long. I’m stage managing an opera. Is that scary? Of course it is. Is it also something I’ve wanted to do for a while? Yeah, of course it is. I’m stressed about finding a play to direct in March. Is that scary and uncertain? Absolutely. But is directing something I’ve been dreaming of doing since I was seventeen? Absolutely, 100% it is. Life is stressful sometimes, but mostly it’s good.

Wednesday, October 16th - Today was the day my dear overalls came out the box. I haven’t worn them since May, when I wore them for A Wrinkle in Time. Stepping into them this morning felt a little strange, but I love them, and I have to find a way to get Meg completely out of my system, and I figured wearing the overalls as Claira would be a good way to start. But anyway! Today is my school’s Service Day, which means a lot of people are doing various community projects for the morning. I’m not, though, and while I do feel a little bad for skipping out, it does mean I’m able to have my first counseling appointment this week instead of next. Yup, I’m going back to counseling. The start of this school year has felt much like the beginning of my senior year (which was two years ago? What?!), and when I realized that I also realized that I needed to do something about it before I fully emotionally burned out.

Saturday, October 19th - Today I am thankful for the weekend, for people who love me, and for the prop room. I am thankful that the last couple of days have been filled with growth. I am thankful for the people who hold me through hard moments of growth. I am thankful for friends who sing quietly in still moments. I am thankful for rain, and podcasts, and 7:00 on Saturday morning. Today I am thankful. Today I am trying to let that be enough.

Sunday, October 20th - I’m thankful for today. It started off really rocky and had an odd conversation in the middle, but overall it was a good day. Last year I worked with a lot of kids on Saturday afternoons, and this year that group has been split into elementary and high schoolers. I’m still working with the elementary kids on Saturdays, but now on Sundays I go back and and spend time with a few high school girls. Today we ate macaroni and cheese and painted mugs to be used for tea on future Sundays. I wrote a bunch of my favorite things on mine, and drew an arrow at the bottom. I’m quite happy with it.

Monday, October 21st - Today was a good one. I went back to counseling for real for the first time in a while. In the last year I’ve gone back for a session or two without expecting it to turn into weekly appointments, but this time around I went back knowing I would probably be going back in seven days time. It was a good hour, and I’m glad I went.

Wednesday, October 23rd - So today I made a mattress. It’s not at all good, but I’m still sharing a picture of it anyway because, well, that’s what I do here I guess. I’m stage managing the opera, but I’m also helping with props (which makes sense considering that’s my job in the department) which apparently means I make mattresses now. The good news is it was supposed to look a bit pathetic, which I said I could do without a problem. I literally just put an old blanket in between a folded sheet and then stapled the sides shut. I wish I was kidding. But in other news, I actually had a really good day today. It was long and I’m definitely ready to go to sleep, but I laughed a lot at the rehearsal and had a really good cup of free lemon ginger tea. I have so much to be so thankful for.

Thursday, October 24th - Today was probably the best Thursday I’ve had since coming back. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but since Thursdays are the days I have both classes and work both jobs, I tend to wake up a little stressed and end the day feeling very run down. Today, however, was actually really good. I finally started looking at plays for my Irene Ryan audition in February, had a really good opera rehearsal, and the project I’d been nervous about for my directing class went a lot better than I had expected. It would seem this month is looking to end on an optimistic note, which I am definitely okay with.

Saturday, October 26th - There’s a cold thats been going around campus for a few weeks now, and I woke up this morning thinking I had succumbed to it. Tech week starts next week for the opera, and I have an unfortunate habit of always getting sick during tech week (it happened during both the Festival of Shorts and A Wrinkle in Time). So, instead of going to see the kids this afternoon, I stayed in bed and drank as much water and tea and took as much emergen-c as possible. It’s the end of the day now and I’m hoping I’ve pushed the cold back at least a week. I don’t care if I get sick after next week, but it would be nice if I wasn’t coughing and sniffling over my birthday and my first time stage managing.

Monday, October 28th - I turn twenty tomorrow, so today I’m sharing this picture of me from when I was probably 3 years old? My mom can either confirm or correct, but I think I was 3. But anyway, I turn twenty tomorrow, which means today is my last day of being a teenager. I’d like to say I’m very thankful to be leaving teenage-dom behind (and I am), but today I’m feeling more nostaglic than anything else. But still, twenty is looking like it’ll go off to a good start. I was asked to help house manage during the drama department’s production of Ada and the Engine, which basically means I’m the face that welcomes people and hands them programs. It’s what I did (unofficially) for You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown this time last year, and I’m excited to spend some extra time in the Black Box next month. Before that can happen, however, there’s tech week and performances of Amahl and the Night Visitors. Tech week starts tonight (yay!!), and I’m still praying the sniffling stays at bay while I attempt to wrangle all the musicians while giving light and sound cues over a headset.

Tuesday, October 29th - It’s my birthday- I’m a whole two decades old! Today was pretty typical in most respects. I got up early and did homework at the bakery. I went to classes and work, and continued with tech week at night. Of course, there were some sweet, out of the ordinary, birthday things scattered throughout the day. I woke up to a scratching noise outside my door, and it turned out to be Emma putting an entire fruit tree’s worth of citrus outside my door (I’m a big fan of lemons, limes, oranges, grapefruits, etc.). Nathan gave me yellow dice as a birthday present, which was very sweet. My roommate made me banana bread and drew a bunch of plants on a card. I made dinner with an surprising assortment of friends (two of which share my birthday), and was surprised by the cast of the opera when they all sang to me and the director gave me dark chocolate with orange. I was really anxious today, which put a damper on things for most of the time, but there were a lot of things to be thankful for. I have high hopes for twenty.

Wednesday, October 30th - Today was the big tech day. It was the day where we had the full choir come back, as well as hearing the music with the orchestra for the first time. The music sounded beautiful, but there were multiple stressful situations to solve before the run through even began. Today I am so, so, so thankful for the main cast who were understanding of my stress and told me not to worry if I seemed less than kind for a moment, and for the two members of the choir who heard me through my hurried, stressed-out language and offered to help with backstage stuff. Tonight was difficult, but it got done. I cried afterward while on the phone with my mom, but now I can fall asleep and (hopefully) feel better tomorrow morning.

Thursday, October 31st - Today is Halloween, which means I am counting down the hours until I can be curled up in my bed watching episodes of Good Witch on Netflix. Until then, I am finishing up homework at the bakery, going through my classes, helping one of the school clubs find some props for an event they’re having, and going to a meeting for this weekend. After I finish writing and posting this, I’ll be looking for another play to possibly direct next quarter. I found one I really like, but everyone needs a backup just in case their first choice doesn’t get approved in a couple weeks. Finding plays is harder than I had initially thought, and good thoughts would be very much appreciated!!

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October was a month of so many things. While on the phone with my mom last night, I told her I feel as though I’ve been watching one bad thing happen after another, and I’m really tired of it. In a lot of ways, this month was kinda rough. But I’ve had two counseling sessions now, and I’m starting to find a balance of being their for others and still holding space for myself. This month was also really good. I got to learn how to stage manage. I made some new friends. I turned twenty. Right now I am learning how to hold space for the good when there’s bad, and sometimes also to hold space for the bad when there’s good.

19 Things I Learned While Being 19

Originally published on October 26th, 2019

Well… what a year that was. I turn twenty in only three days, which feels incredibly unbelievable. I learned so much this year, and so much of it was so hard to learn. I know I needed this year in order to grow and change and start new things, but I also know I don’t need to be happy about all the things that happened this year. With that said, here are the 19 biggest things I learned while being 19…

1. I was not made to be an English major.
I was a happy English major for about two weeks… and one of those weeks was orientation. I played through some new possibilities in my head (Business, Communications, Film & Television, Sociology) before finally settling on Social Work. Aaaand then I switched to Global Communications at the end of winter quarter. My point is, my well-thought out plan went totally awry from the very beginning.

2. It is okay to change your situation if something isn’t good for you.
This is something I used to tell people all the time, but I never really learned it for myself. in January of this year I moved into a different dorm with a different roommate. I changed my major, and I quit my job. Instead of surrounding myself with things that weren’t working out well, I piled on tons of good things. After moving, I auditioned for various plays, and I got temporary job in a nearby theatre. And then this year, I changed things again. I’m living in probably the best living situation I’ve had so far, I’m in an academic department I adore, and I have two jobs that I’m always excited to go to. Don’t force yourself to live in misery if you can do something to change it. It’s not worth it.

3. God always answers the signs you ask for.
I am a self-proclaimed Gideon. I ask for signs a lot because I’m always afraid of doing the wrong thing. I don’t do this as much as I used to, but over winter quarter of last year I asked for them constantly. For whatever reason, during winter quarter, every sign I asked for came about. What I’ve learned is God always answers the signs you ask for, he just sometimes says no or not yet.

4. People do not belong on pedestals.
They just don’t. Everyone is human, with both good and bad qualities. Putting someone on a pedestal only hurts everyone involved. Yeah, it can be hard to step away from the rubble when the pedestal is knocked down, but it’s worth it to see people as they are.

5. Sometimes kind people do bad things, and sometimes bad people do kind things.
This was a hard one for me. I’m getting better at seeing good things in people who I once considered to be a “bad” person, but I’m still having to work on seeing more negative qualities in people I consider “good,” the people I love. But what I’ve come to realize is there are kind people who will do bad things, and there are bad people who will sometimes do kind things. People are complex. I have a feeling I’ll be learning a new part of this idea every year for a long time.

6. Showmances are dumb.
Yup… that’s all on that one.

7. Never underestimate the power of art people and science people being friends.
All of my friends are either art/drama people, communication people (which is an art in and of itself), or STEM people. I love that on any given day I am surrounded by diverse ways of thinking. It makes life way more exciting than simply staying the box of your own department (though there is a lot of diversity within my own department as well). I am so thankful to have friends who are all interested in so many different things.

8. Life never follows a plan.
I had so much planned for 2019, and literally none of it went how I thought it would, and some of it (most of it) didn’t happen at all. 2019 has still been a wonderful year where really good things have happened, but my plan for the year definitely did not come to pass. I think I’m starting to feel okay with not having a plan, and I’m getting better at coming up with a plan and then knowing that God’s gonna do what God’s gonna do, and whether the plan turns into reality or not isn’t completely in my control.

9. Giving yourself time to grow up is not a bad thing.
In fact, it’s a necessary thing. You can’t expect yourself to be on the same level as people who are three years older (or even one year older). I learned this when I took a 400 level class last quarter (when I was a Freshman). There’s a whole story of how I came to realize this, but that’s for another day. For now I’ll just say that it’s not bad to give yourself time to grow up. I may be an old soul, but I’m still nineteen- for a few more days, at least. I’m allowed to not have it all figured out by now, and so are you.

10. Meditate, meditate, meditate.
During spring quarter of my Freshman year, my acting teacher gave me homework. He said I needed to work on letting go and getting rid of some inhibitions, and told me to try meditating. I then went to my planner and wrote in meditate on every single day slot for the rest of the school year. It became a habit, and now I find myself setting a timer for five minutes every day to sit and practice letting thoughts go in and out.

11. A walk can solve the world.
Whether it was by myself or with a good friend, I went on so many walks this year just to organize thoughts and figure stuff out. Spring Quarter of my freshman year was an especially walk-full time, and I always found that I felt so much better afterward. I haven’t gone on enough walks lately (mostly due to my sprained ankle that still isn’t totally healed yet), but whenever I have I have again been met with a clearer perspective on whatever I seem to be facing.

12. I’m always going to work with the people I’m supposed to work with.
I’ve been in a few plays, and I’ve been given a few scene assignments in the last year. For every play I’ve done, there has been a cast change. Every. Single. One. While this has been tricky to work around and sometimes heartbreaking, it has taught me that I’m always going to work with the people I’m supposed to work with. I’m always going to learn something from the shows that I do, and from what’s happened so far oftentimes I’m going to learn something from the obstacles that arise throughout the process.

13. I am always going to be capable of more than I think.
I don’t trust myself very easily. My default way of thinking is to assume that I will fail. Back in June when I had that very difficult scene assignment, I brought in reinforcements to help with part of it, and my reinforcements brought their own reinforcements as well. During the first successful rehearsal, my friend Rylee said this to me- “You keep saying you can’t do something, but then you do. Stop saying you can’t, because you clearly can.” This has stuck with me ever since, and it was really helpful. I also started learning how to drive this year. I still don’t have my license, and my permit expired over the summer so I still need to get that figured out, but before it expired I started learning how to drive. I realized fairly quickly that driving itself isn’t as hard as I had worked it up to be in my head. I’m more capable of doing this than I thought I was, and now I just have to remember that and actually get that license this year.

14. The whole “there is good in bad, and bad in good” thing.
I like to think I’ve always been pretty good at finding the good in the bad. I’m an eternal optimist, almost to a fault. But this year I’ve definitely encountered moments and situations that reminded me that, even in a very good thing, there can still be some bad. I’m still not sure how to face this, since I still find myself waiting for something to come soon that will be completely good. I’m not sure if I’ll find it, but I’m holding out hope. For now, I’m simply trying to get back in the habit of finding things to be thankful for everyday.

15. Love people knowledgeably.
One of the biggest things I learned this past summer is to love people the way they need to be loved. I could love someone so much and they could never know it because I’m not showing them love in a way they understand. This was actually a hard thing to learn, and an even harder thing to put into practice. This may sound very silly, but I’ve found the Enneagram to be super helpful with this (for people who also appreciate the personality test and all the wonderful things I believe it has to offer). Knowing the love languages of the people around me is also good, especially since I’m an anomaly in my family and I’ve had to find more ways to show my family I love them than what I’ve defaulted to in the past.

16. You are not responsible for anyone except yourself.
Oof… yeah, I’m still working on this one. Like I mentioned in my Detox Tea Talk this month, I’m not great at making space for myself. With that, I tend to put all my energy into other people and start to think it’s my job to take care of them, and often I start to believe that every bad thing that happens to them is my fault. Consciously, I know none of that is true. It’s fully believing that and living it out that’s the hard bit. I’ve gone back to counseling to work on this, and hopefully I’ll make progress on the living it out part.

17. Trying to have healthier relationships is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
On several occasions this year I had to break my own heart in order to put it back together in a healthier way. Being vulnerable is so hard, and while I fully believe it’s worth it (if you’re vulnerable the right way with the right people), that doesn’t make it any easier. To be open enough to express how you’re feeling is difficult. To pull out a piece of your soul and hand it to someone for a minute and say, “Here. This is a part of me, please hold it for a moment” is so hard. To hand over that piece of your soul and say, “This isn’t working for me. Something needs to change, and I’m scared of what that change looks like,” is sometimes even harder. I hope I always believe it’s worth it, but wow. This is a hard lesson to put into practice.

18. Grief is a weird thing.
A little over a month ago, my Grandad died. I knew it was coming, and I’d half expected to officially hear the news and be sad but not feel connected to the situation (mostly because of the distance between California and England). Much to my surprise, after the 6:00 AM phone call with my dad I went outside into the chilly September morning air and started to cry. I then spent the rest of the day in and out of tears. I didn’t really talk about it, until that Sunday when I saw my acting teacher from last year (completely out of the blue), and blurted out that I was really happy he was there because I’d had a really weird week because my grandfather had just died. I guess certain people bring out your vulnerability more than others. But yeah, grief is a weird, unexpected kind of thing. I’m not happy I had to learn this one.

19. Living the questions means living in the present and being okay with it.
This is something I have been trying to learn for so long. My mom has always told me to practice living in the questions, and she has always cited Rilke as her greatest source. But she never told me what it meant. Finally, over this past summer, it dawned on me that in order to be okay with not having the answers I need to be okay with living in the present. I’m still not sure how to do this well, but I think I’m closer than I have been in the past.

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Nineteen was a weird year. In all honesty, it was a hard year. The good thing about that, though, is I feel ready for twenty, which is more than I could say before I turned eighteen and nineteen. And even though it was a hard year, if I had to choose I’d say nineteen was my favorite of all the teenage years. When I think of nineteen, I think of all the people who came into my life this year who showed me what it means to create a family for yourself. They showed me love, and joy, and selfless care. I think of A Wrinkle in Time, and the black box, and chalk drawings on Saturday afternoons. I think of my first winter with snow and warm spring mornings when I wrote an entire research paper in a bakery. I think of working backstage of Calendar Girls and writing my name on the wall of two theatres. Much of the lessons I learned this year came from hard moments and difficult situations, but they led to beautiful ones too. Nineteen was a weird year, but I’m thankful for it all the same.

Little Souls

Originally published on October 22nd, 2019

It always happens before my birthday. I spend time being excited about getting a little bit older, and then I stumble upon a picture, or old song, or old journal and I get more nostalgic than usual. This time it happened as I was looking at MFA programs (as I do sometimes), and realized the earliest I could apply for grad school is in only a few years. That’s when the whole “oh my, I’m twenty in only a couple weeks” thing hit like a ton of bricks. This morning I also found this picture, which was taken a little over ten years ago, in September of 2009. This would have been taken a couple months before I was standing in front of a mirror one night in a ballerina printed nightgown brushing my hair while thinking of how I never wanted to grow up. How I wanted to stay little and ten forever.

Yesterday, I was talking with a girl who just turned ten a couple weeks ago. A friend who was with us asked me if I’d ever want to go back to being ten, and I laughed slightly and quietly said no. I’m nostalgic today, yes, but I know that I would never want to go back to being the ten year old with the ballerina nightgown, the twelve year old with story-filled notebooks, or the seventeen year old memorizing Shakespeare monologues for fun. But those little souls, those younger me’s, are still around. They’re still walking me home, into this next decade.

A Year Ago I Wrote a Letter

Originally published on October 22nd, 2019

To Everyone Who Read that Letter,

Hi, it’s been a minute. Last year I wrote a little letter to the Seventh-Day Adventist church. In it, I detailed my experience in the SDA church, wrote about my feelings on the non-compliance document, and shared who I believe God is. I did my best to step into a space of conflict and share as much peace as possible. And then, I put it on this here blog.

And then all hell broke loose.

After sharing the letter to my own Facebook page, a few of my friends shared it. It ended up on a Facebook group for those in support of women’s ordination, and then made it’s way to a group of pastors. Suddenly, less than 24 hours later, my website had garnered more views than ever before, and the letter itself had over 50 likes (on average, a post of mine will have between three and five likes). Adventist Today reached out to me for permission to repost the letter, and I said yes. It was shared under the title “I am Claira Eastwood, and I Am Angry.” I became known as the angry millennial who wanted to change the SDA church. Sabbath Schools around the world were reading the letter. Pastors in Australia wanted interviews. Professors at my university who I had never met emailed to say they appreciated what I had to say. And then I made the mistake of reading every comment under the AT repost.

Some people were kind. Some said they agreed with me and some wished me the best. A few even wished me happy birthday after learning that I had just recently turned nineteen. And there were others who didn’t agree with me but were kind in their disagreements. But the majority of comments were not kind. I was told I was being overdramatic. I was told the issue was not with wearing jeans or drinking coffee. I was told twinkly lights are not important. I was told I was helping no one by writing “this crap.” I was told I was wrong. I was told I was bringing division, and that I had no right to. I was told my anger was unjustified. And I read all these things while taking my first set of midterms. I read all these things on my birthday. I didn’t tell my roommate what was going on. I didn’t really tell anyone how all the words I read were affecting me. I figured I had no right to be upset. After all, wasn’t I the one who posted the words? Shouldn’t I have been more prepared for backlash?

The thing I find most ironic is, for the most part, the people who seemed most angry were the people who seemed to understand what I was trying to say. I wasn’t really writing in support of women’s ordination (even though I do believe strongly that women are called to be pastors, and they deserve to be ordained as such). To explain why I wrote the letter, I’m going to take some words from Rachel Held Evans’ book Searching for Sunday:

“It’s easy for church folks to dismiss my entire generation as fickle consumers who bail on church the minute is gets hard, but what about the young woman who left her church because it protected her abusive husband and blamed her for their divorce? Is she just a product of consumer culture? Should she be blamed for needing some time to recover from her experience? What about the family that left because their autistic child struggled with sensory overload during worship? Are they being too selfish, too demanding? And what about the college student who waits tables on Sunday mornings, or the couple who were told by their pastor that faulty parenting had made their kid gay, or the skeptic whose questions were met with platitudes, or the woman whose battle with depression just makes it too hard to get out of bed? The last thing these people need is one more person calling them failures, one more person piling on guilt and shame” (pg. 83-84).

I wrote the letter because I was tired of people being ignored by the church. I was tired of seeing people act as a barricade between someone who needs love and God. I was tired of watching men who do not have the same experience make rules for what pastors can and cannot say. I was tired of being told what I can and cannot support if I choose to call myself an Adventist. I was tired of seeing women who left abusive relationships, autistic children, college students, those with depression, LGBTQ+ people and those who love them, and those who dare to question be turned away and told they don’t belong here. They do. And no, wearing jeans, drinking coffee, and hanging twinkly lights do not mean anything by themselves. But here, in the place I live, they signify a form of acceptance and love.

If I’m going to be completely honest, I don’t go to church anymore. I find my church in the children I work with on weekends, in Tuesday night songs, in coffee dates, in prop room naps, in the WWU drama department. I find church here because it’s where I see God most. It is where I see my God, who is a God of love, most.

I tell you all of this because I believe there is still a problem. Last week, after reading the SDA church’s recent document on their stance on abortion, I reposted an article and jokingly asked if I should write another letter. But I think another letter isn’t what is needed. Kindness is what is most needed now. If I could tell everyone who read my letter one thing, it would be to be kind to one another. To think about what you consider normal, and consider if maybe that can be expanded a little bit. To think outside the box.

Lastly, I want to say thank you to the three women who marched into the comment section and stuck up for me time and time again. You showed me who I believe Jesus is. You helped restore my faith that week. When so many were yelling that anger is not okay, you told me my anger was a good thing. You continually showed me how to use it for good.

And now, I am going to return to my life of coffee, and children, and classes, and scripts. I am going to keep living this life that I believe I was supposed to live. The life I believe God has called me to. To everyone who read my letter, and everyone reading this- you are loved. You belong here. No matter what kind of comment you left under the repost, you are loved. You belong here. We all do.

Love,
Claira Eastwood

A Letter to Fifteen Year Old Claira, Who is Crying in the Kitchen

Originally published on October 19th, 2019

As we discussed last year, I spent my sixteenth birthday on a biology trip. Since I was away from home for the actual day, we celebrated my birthday a few days before. Somewhere between birthday cake and presents, I burst into tears and ran into the kitchen. My mom followed me (as she often has done), and I expressed how upset I was that I was about to be closer to twenty years old than to ten years old. Now, at ten days until my twentieth birthday, here is a letter to my fifteen year old self.

Little Claira,

If I thought you’d believe me, I would tell you not to worry because it will all be okay. I would say you’re going to be so happy when twenty comes around, and I would say that no matter what bad thing happens in the next four years, it’s all going to be okay.

But I know you won’t believe me, so I’ll just skip that part. Instead, let me tell you about the good parts of growing up.

As you grow up, you learn more about yourself. You learn to recognize why you’re feeling certain things. You’ll figure out how to get through hard days, and how to hold on to the good ones a bit longer. You’ll learn to recognize which city’s air you like best. You’ll learn which friend to go to for what problem. You’ll still always go to your mom first. You’ll finally learn how to curl your hair with a straightener to save time, and you’ll figure out how to paint your right fingernails with your left hand. You’ll find a favorite dress to wear swing dancing, and a favorite t-shirt to wear to bed after a bad day. Also, you get to have coffee every day.

Of course, there are still things you’ll have to work on. You still put other people’s needs in front of your own so much that your own just fall through the cracks. You still say yes to too many things at once. You still don’t speak kindly to yourself. But you’ve learned to surround yourself with people who remind you to take care of yourself, and who call you out when you say something less than kind to yourself. The best thing about growing up is you find your people (though the coffee thing is a close second).

The funny thing about looking back at where you are now is I know a secret- everything you want to happen is going to happen. It may not happen the way you want it to, or as fast as you want it to, but it will happen. The sneaky thing about that is that, oftentimes, when it happens you won’t be happy about it. You’ll wish for simple, for familiar beginnings, for a driver’s manual for life. Or, it will happen and you won’t notice it happened until a year later. Life is funny like that, I think.

But then, of course, I’m a hypocrite. I’m terrified of turning twenty-one, when I will be closer to twenty-five than to fifteen. There is so much in the next five years that I don’t know about, so much I can’t plan for. The difference, though, is I know it’s all going to be okay. Even if nothing turns out the way I plan (because it never does), and even if everything is completely different than it is now, I know it will all be okay. So, little Claira, don’t be scared. Be brave. Be kind. Be thankful. You’ve got this.

Love,
Almost Twenty-year-old Claira

Detox Tea Talk: October 2019

Originally published on October 15th, 2019

So, um, things have changed. I’m now in a little play that is proving to be a bit stressful, but that’s okay. I’m still working on making space for myself, and more stuff has happened recently that has given me opportunity to practice this. (Claira, on October 14th, about a week after writing this).

I have fourteen days left of being a teenager. Fourteen days until I enter a new decade. Fourteen days until I am in my twenties. This whole “growing up” thing is so weird to me. There seems to be a recurring theme where I don’t feel like I’ve mastered an age or time of life until it’s over, and I have a sneaky suspicion things will only continue that way. As an example, I was talking to my friend Savana a couple weeks ago and she brought up the fact that I am almost not a teenager, and I responded with, “But I only just now figured out how to do it well!” I won’t be surprised if I have a similar conversation in ten years, only talking about nearing my thirties and how I just figured out my twenties. But that’s a long time from now (and a bit freaky to think about), so moving on…

I’ve been back at school for almost a month now. Back to with the classes, the bakery, the drama department- back with it all. I’ve seen and hugged my friends. I’ve started my jobs and started looking for a play to direct this winter. I’m back, and I’m happy to be back. Some moments have been overwhelming, and my first week back was definitely one for the books (and not in a great way). Still, I’ve been back for a month, which means I’m passed the initial shock of returning and into my normal state of reflection and trying to figure everything out (is this necessarily healthy? No. Will I try to figure out why I try to figure everything out? Absolutely).

I’m not acting this quarter. Originally, I came into the quarter with a play I was doing, but then a bunch of stuff happened (hence the week that was a tornado of a time) and it got scratched. Instead of acting, I’m stage managing an opera and taking a directing class. I’m also working as the prop manager this year. I’m still working in this department and in the theatre world, just in different ways. I love it, but it feels a bit strange.

I haven’t acted since June, which was four months ago. I know that doesn’t seem like a super long time, but for me it feels like forever. Well, actually, I take that back. I’ve acted a little. I had a read-through of the script for the play I was originally doing, and then I had an audition and call back for the fall production, but that’s the extent of my acting this quarter. It feels strange to be myself 100% of the time. Over the last school year I got used to being other people, whether for scene assignments or for plays. To be myself all the time is something that used to be my normal, but now I’m having to get used to it again.

What I’ve realized in the last few weeks or so is I don’t really know who I am here. The last year was spent either being so stressed I couldn’t focus on myself, being in friendships that caused me to merge my personality into their’s, becoming a character I love so much, or focusing on other people too much that I never had the space or time to figuring out who I am here in Washington, in these buildings and with these people. Since I’m not acting right now, I’m being forced to create some space for myself, and I don’t like it.

So, I said I’d stage manage an opera and accepted another job. I’m excited about these things, and they are beneficial, but saying yes to both was not the healthiest thing for me to do. I went into this year saying I wanted to work on forming healthier relationships, but neglected to realize that doing that also means working on having a healthy relationship with myself. Making that space for me to figure out who I am here. It’s hard to me to do. I don’t like thinking about myself or focusing on myself too much. I would much rather think about those I love or on my future self and do things that will benefit me in the long-run. But, making that space for myself is the hard thing to do, and the hard thing (I’ve found) is often the thing I’m supposed to do.

Love,
Claira

The message that was attached to the tea I had while writing this.

Scenes From the Black Box

Originally published on October 12th, 2019

September, 2018
I walk into the Black Box for the very first time. We circle up and do warm ups for the very first time. We play improv games, and I’m nervous. We do a cold reading, and I read opposite Nathan, and I’m nervous. At the end, I introduce myself to Crawford, and I’m nervous. I don’t really talk to the other students, because I’m nervous. I leave after class, and I’m happy. I had been so scared it would go badly, but after that first day I have a sneaky suspicion the Black Box is going to become my favorite place, even if I was very nervous the entire time.

November, 2018
Dorea, Rylee, and I perform our scene from Eleemosynary. It’s been such a long two weeks. Two weeks filled with a lot of confusion, and heart ache, and more confusion. Two weeks that I will look back on in almost a year and wonder how I didn’t notice more at the time. But we perform scene 5 from Eleemosynary. I give a monologue that I wasn’t able to memorize until the night before. Between finishing the scene and the class giving comments, Dorea wraps Rylee and me in a hug. It’s been such a long two weeks.

The next week, we all come to class tired. Crawford decides to let us sleep, and we spend twenty minutes in a darkened Black Box, all of us in our own little corners. It’s the first time I think of the space as meditative. It’s the first time it feels like my church.

December, 2018
It’s the last day of Acting class. The last scene is performed, and I feel tears flood my eyes. Lindsey and Kiana both take one of my hands in theirs. Technically, we still have an hour left of class, and eight of us don’t want to leave yet. We stay, and do improv games and funny warm-ups, and spend an hour not thinking about finals or how sad we are to see this class go away.

April, 2019
On the first day of Spring Quarter classes, I sneak my way into the Advanced Acting class. We do a ton of Viewpoints work, and the class becomes unofficially dubbed “P.E. for Actors.” Later that same day, I go into the Black Box for the first time as Meg. I don’t fully believe it’s happening until someone mentions blocking for Meg, and when I don’t move they say, “Claira, that’s you.”

One day in the middle of April, after a particularly rough rehearsal, Kaelyn walks over to me and asks if I’m okay. Of course, that question makes the tears fall. The rest of the cast except Emma drifts out of the room, and Crawford walks over to our little corner and asks what’s going on. I explain how I’m feeling- how I’m worried I’m not doing well enough and that I’m not sure I even belong here. Both say “no news is good news,” and that I was chosen for this role for a reason.

During a hard set of warm-ups at the end of April, Kaelyn says these words: “Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in the light, breathe out everything that is not the light. Breathe in the space, breathe out everything that is outside the space.” She makes eye contact with me across the circle.

The next day, after another rough rehearsal, I walk behind a curtain and start to cry quiet sobs. Emma and Nathan go after me. When I leave, Nathan gives me a hug and Emma walks me home.

May, 2019
“This is the safest space,” Crawford says to me, and I believe him.

The show is over, but I go back into the Black Box after the cast party. I sit on my box, in the dark, and smile. Irene Ryan Nominated, I think to myself. It’s still hard to comprehend.

June, 2019
It’s the last day of Advanced Acting. We do the hard scene. We do it well. When class is over, people linger again. There are hugs, and talks of summer and next year’s plans. Crawford leaves and says the last one out needs to turn out the lights. I’m the last one out. I whisper “Thank you,” and turn out the lights.

The morning of my last day, I wake up early, make coffee, and go up the fire escape above the Black Box. Emma joins, and as the sun goes up we talk of absurd plans for each other. I say I’ll try to visit her over the summer, and the absurd plans seem to be etched into her even more. It’s a bittersweet morning.

September, 2019
I’ve walked into the Black Box for what must be over a hundred times, but today I am nervous again. I come down from the Prop Room, where I work, and sit in a chair next to Nathan. I say I’m nervous, he says there’s nothing to worry about- a familiar conversation on an unfamiliar day. Two new teachers walk in. Nathan moves and Rylee sits down. We all go through a syllabus. In two days time I will direct a scene from The Glass Menagerie. It’s the first time I’ve ever directed, and of course it’s in this space. This space I love so much. The safest space.

October, 2019
Now, this space is still my favorite. It’s the place I go to when I’m most upset. I work in the Prop Room, which is right above the Black Box, and every morning when I come into work I stand above it and look out at the place that feels like home to me. The place I act in, direct in, audition in, swing dance in, meditate in, laugh in, love in, cry in (so many times. So many). I love this place. I’m so thankful for it.

Three Years and a Day

Originally published on October 08th, 2019

It feels so strange to say that this blog has been live for three years and a day. Three years. When I started KeepsUsStargazing, I don’t think I envisioned sticking with it for this long, but here we are. It’s quite a feeling to think back to the sixteen year old girl who just wanted a place to put her thoughts, because if I go back and read the older things on this blog, the changes are clear. I can find clear distinctions between me at sixteen and me at almost twenty, but I guess that makes sense. I credit a lot of those changes to the last year.

In the last year, this blog has changed a bit. Books I’ve Read & Places I’ve Loved was completely redone in order to accurately share how my months go. I didn’t write as much last year because I was busy getting caught up on life, so at the beginning of June I started writing and publishing a crazy amount of posts. I updated the About page as often as I updated my major. In the past year, I have finished my first year of college and started my second. I changed my major twice and added a second minor. I worked backstage for a play and acted in two (including playing “Meg” in A Wrinkle in Time, which is an experience I will hold dear for many years to come). I made amazing friends. I cut my hair (again). I had a weird summer. I got two really cool jobs. The last year hasn’t been my favorite, but there were good moments inside it.

To go back to my original point, I really love that I have, in a sense, grown up on this blog. Sure, it’s only been three years, but they were a big three years. As you now know, I started this blog after deciding to quit acting and right before starting at a new high school. In the last few years, I’ve reclaimed my dream and made it into a plan, and successfully graduated from that high school before moving to Washington for college. The last three years have been full of turning points, multiple epiphanies, and vulnerable steps. Even if I hadn’t shared things explicitly, when I look back at old posts I can remember what I was dealing with at the time I wrote it. I get specific feelings for various months over the last few years. I’ve recorded so much, and I love that I get to look back on it all.

Thank you for sticking by for three years. Thank you for reading, and commenting, and sharing. Thank you for investing in parts of me and my life. I don’t know what the next year has in store, and I definitely don’t know where I’ll be in three years. What I do know is I love this blog and I love recording my life in this way. Thank you again. Here’s to the last three years, and to the next three, and even beyond. 💛

Love Looks Like

Originally published on October 05th, 2019

On my dresser sits a picture of my grandparents on their wedding day. My Nanna, only 18 years old, smiling into the camera in a snapshot of black and white nostalgia. Her veil falling onto my Grandad’s cheek, both of them beaming. Love looks like dark hair and a sweeping veil.

In the span of five decades, things are added and some are taken away. There are glasses now, gray hairs, seven grandchildren. There has been laughter, and there has been tears. Good days and bad. Love looks like bifocals and shorter, grayer hair. 

50 years. 600 months. 2,607 weeks. 182,050 days. 438,000 hours. 26,280,000 minutes. 1,576,800,000 seconds. From the black and white snapshot to the gray hair and seven grandchildren. Love looks like time and all that it gives. 

In the span of 50 years, the ocean moves back and forth. Stars form new constellations that we will not see for hundreds of years. Love looks like the star that is the mark upon which it stands. 

Sometimes you think you know what love looks like before you’ve really met it. When you’re young, love looks like the newest trend. When you are young, love looks like Shakespeare. And when you’re older, love simply looks like home. When you’re older, love looks like time.

On my dresser sits a picture of black and white nostalgia. Two people who do not know what will become of them. Do not know of the time, the clock that they will run, or the stairs they will climb. They only knew the reason and the remedy. Love looks like the answers, and the chase to find them. 

Love looks like the years, and the passing time. Love looks like the stars, the stairs, and the questions. Love looks like the reason. Love looks like the story.

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“No sooner met but they looked, no sooner looked but they loved, no sooner loved but they sighed, no sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason, no sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy; and in these degrees have they made a pair of stairs to marriage.” 

~ William Shakespeare, As You Like It

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I wrote this poem on January 31st, 2018. It was written for my paternal grandparents for their 50th wedding anniversary, and I read it when I went to England the following March. A couple weeks ago, my Grandad died. That day, I was finishing packing for school, and I saw the picture above in the frame I brought to school last time. That made me think of this poem, and I went back and read it for the first time in a while. I can’t be at the memorial, so I’m sharing this poem again. It’s all I have for this.

The One Where I'm Officially a Sophomore: September 2019

Originally published on September 30th, 2019

Monday, September 02nd - Yesterday I plopped myself down on a train heading to Oregon to visit Emma and Kiana. The twelve hour ride turned to fourteen, but seeing so many trees out the window made things a bit better. Today I saw Emma for the first time in almost three months, and even though we’ve been talking everyday it’s always hard to be away from dear friends. It’s possible I shrieked in happiness when I saw her. Sure, I probably sprained my ankle today, but I’m really happy to be in Oregon for the next few days with some of the people I love most.

Tuesday, September 03rd - Yup, my ankle is definitely a bit messed up. How’d I do it, you may ask? Well, on that fourteen hour train ride I ate nothing but a granola bar around 1:00 in the morning, so come 2:00 in the afternoon and I was pretty dizzy, but excited to see Emma. Ignoring the hunger, I also tripped over a small ledge in the sidewalk, and promptly fell over, badly rolling (possibly spraining?) my ankle in the process. Still, Oregon is beautiful and Emma and I are heading over to see Kiana later today. Here’s hoping I’ll be able to go on walks with them very soon.

Wednesday, September 04th - Kiana has three dogs, and one of them recently had ten puppies, nine of whom still happened to be with them when Emma and I showed up. Today we got to play with them for a little bit, and I was at the bottom of many a puppy pile. After saying goodbye to the puppies, Kiana, Emma, and I went into downtown Bend, where we ate gelato and drank tea and walked through stores. Today was the last time the three of us will be in the same place for over a year, and while that thought was in the back of my mind all day, it was still a good day filled with good tea and good walks. It was a very us day.

Thursday, September 05th - I’ve always said I want to officially move to Washington after college, but this trip to Oregon may have changed my mind. It’s so beautiful here, and every time I’ve visited this state I always come away feeling a little more like myself. So we’ll see what happens, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I wound up moving to Oregon after graduating. Today was my last visiting Emma, and even though I’ll see her again in a couple weeks when school starts up, saying goodbye is never easy.

Saturday, September 07th - I got back to California yesterday, and today I went for a walk with my mom near where my grandparents live. We’d been told the geese were gone for the year, but it turns out many are sticking around a little longer. The walk was lovely, and it was good to talk with my mom. Unfortunately, it seems walking 8 miles after hurting your ankle (over the course of the five days since my clumsy-ness appeared) isn’t a good idea, and I spent some more time under ice (or, frozen corn).

Thursday, September 12th - This is the face of a pretty tired, anxious girl who is trying her hardest to feel better about a whole bundle of things. I attempted contacts for the second time yesterday (after three and a half years of avoiding it), and even though my mom says I did better than the last time I have my doubts. SO I’m going back over Christmas break and I ordered five pairs of new glasses to try on to see which ones I want to stick with in the meantime. I have friends who are figuring their own stuff out and I’m trying to figure out how to be friends with everyone I love even when they can’t be friends with each other. It’s hard, this whole “trying to have healthier relationships” thing. But, like I said, I’m trying to feel better. So I’m wearing stripy pants that I just got yesterday and that I like very much indeed, I’m drinking blueberry tea, and I figured out how to curl my hair with a straightener. Today it’s all in the small things.

Saturday, September 14th - Today was my last Sabbath lunch at my grandparent’s house before I come back in November. It’s been quite the summer, and the closer I get to going back to Walla Walla the more I think about this time last year, when I was before so much unknown, and how sad I was when my last Sabbath lunch came around. I’m so thankful to be where I am now- even if there’s still a lot of unknown- and I’m so thankful for little selfie shoots with my mom and grandmom <3.

Monday, September 16th - Today I tried the whole Warby Parker home trial thing, because the contacts aren’t for me quite yet but I still need new glasses. I’ve had the same ones for about five years (a century in glasses years), so trying five new pairs was really weird. The two below are the only ones I didn’t hate, but we’ll see what I end up with. In other news, today was the day both Jamie AND Kiana started over to the Spain school, so I’m a bit melancholy. But I did get to call Kiana and text Jamie, so all contact was not lost. I also started my countdown to school today, since classes and work resume in exactly a week. Seven days until school, four days until I leave.

Tuesday, September 17th - Joli, who I’ve been friends with for almost five and a half years, came up to visit for a little bit today, and it was absolutely lovely. We walked around Old Town, drank coffee, and sat in the parking lot of a park (ha) and watched chickens for the longest time. It was incredibly entertaining. It was so lovely to see her, especially since it had been over a year.

Thursday, September 19th - Today I am borrowing words. As I often do when I am without, I go to Phil Kaye or Sarah Kay, because they always have words when I have none:

“My [Grandfather] has been waiting to go for eight months now. Today [he] stands tall on the dock, [his] bag is neatly packed. ‘Smile,’ [he] says, ‘Lives are meant to be spent. Now I am in debt and I’m tired of borrowing from the people I love’” (Phil Kaye, For My Grandmother).

(June, 2015)

Friday, September 20th - Last night I packed up the car with all my stuff, and then this morning my mom and I headed out for the trip back up to school. I’m in Oregon tonight, and I’m only a few hours away from my school. It’s a strange feeling, being so close. But I am very excited to be back, and that’s not a strange feeling at all.

Saturday, September 21st - Tonight we unloaded the car and put all my stuff in my new room. I met my new roommate, and she’s lovely. She also likes plants, which is a big plus. Today feels like the calm before the storm, the period of time before I hit the ground running. Tomorrow I see a lot of people I haven’t seen in 14 weeks, and some I’ve never met before. I’m excited, and tired, and very, very happy.

Monday, September 23d - Today is my first day back to classes and work and all that jazz. I’m writing this in the bakery at 6:30 AM, a few hours before it all officially begins. Yesterday was a weird one. I said goodbye to my mom, which I always hate doing, and then I unpacked as much as I could before seeing so many people I probably can’t tell you all the names. I tried go to to sleep and my head wouldn’t turn off, so I tossed and turned for a few hours. I’m still not quite sure if that was because I’m just excited or if my brain is just very overwhelmed. I think it might be a bit of both.

Tuesday, September 24th - Oh my word, the last two days have been insane. Yesterday I got up at 5:30, had three classes, two shifts at work, a rehearsal for a thing, and an orientation at 9:15 pm (I was not pleased). Today I had a hard conversation with a friend (that went well), one class, and then stayed in the Black Box for work, my first day of my directing class, and then wound up helping with auditions for Ada and the Engine (our Fall Quarter production). The process of helping included many events that will make for good stories, and ended with me getting a callback, which is a lovely thing considering I hadn’t planned on auditioning at all. But now it’s off to sleep I go, in order to prepare for another busy day tomorrow.

Friday, September 27th - I cannot even begin to express how relieved I am that this week is over. It’s been a week that has continually knocked the wind right out of me and also handed me plenty of moments that said, “Here. You’re good at this. Do more of it.” It’s been a week of tears, overwhelming thoughts, and hard conversations. I’ve forced myself into vulnerable spaces without knowing what would happen. I’ve made myself say things I’d been holding in for months. I broke my own heart in an attempt to put it back together in a healthier way. I’m so happy to be crawling into my bed in a space that’s starting to feel like home again.

Saturday, September 28th - Today, in an attempt to fully recuperate from the craziness that was this week, I spent most of my time alone in my room. Last week, I think I spent a total of four(ish) hours in my dorm (not included sleep, of course), so I didn’t have a ton of time to take in my new view. The last two rooms I’ve had have both been low to street level (if not on street level), and they’ve both looked out to campus. This new room, which is on the sixth floor, looks out over the neighborhood next to campus, and when it’s a clearer day I can see mountains. Also the trees. So many trees. I’m very happy.

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I’m not sure what to say about September. It was better than August, though that wasn’t hard to do. It started out so well, but once the days crossed over to the second half, things went a little downhill. This last week was a hard one, the one before wasn’t easy, either. But here’s to a beautiful October- something good must be on it’s way.

Detox Tea Talk: September 2019

Originally published on September 17th, 2019

Good morning, good morning! I know it may not be morning where you are or when you’re reading this, but as I’m writing it is 6:24 in the morning, so- Good morning, good morning! I am trying to get back into the early morning swing of things before starting school again, and, I must say, it’s actually proven to be easier than initially anticipated.

But speaking of starting school again, I have less than a week before I am back in Washington. Back with the classes, the bakery, the drama department- just back. I’m excited. I’ve missed living further north a lot this summer, and being in Oregon last week made me miss it a lot more (probably because I was with Washington-made-friendships, but still). I’m a bit (read: very) nervous about how this new year is going to turn out, especially since a lot of it is still in the unknown, but I am trying very, very, very hard to live in that uncomfortable space and allow myself to take life as it happens. It’s hard.

But anyway, as is normal at the beginning of a new school year, I have been feeling rather nostalgic (but, really, when am I not?). A couple days ago I was reading through old blog posts of mine, and I ran across the Detox Tea Talk that I wrote a year ago, in September of 2018. The last thing I wrote in that post was this: “Many different things have been up in the air, and there has always been a fear of the unknown. But tomorrow I get to pack up and walk straight into the unknown. Here’s hoping the bravery sticks around…” In only four days, I get to walk straight into that unknown again. But the unknowns are different this time.

Unlike last time, the things that are unknown are unknown because I used to know them. It’s kind of like what I told myself at the beginning of the last school year- the hard things are getting harder, but better. Walking to classes by myself used to be so difficult, but suddenly I found myself going to counseling by myself. If I hadn’t figured out how to walk to a class by myself, I could never have managed walking to counseling (even though the counseling center is closer, but you get it). I could walk to counseling by myself because I could walk to classes by myself. My bad days were hard, but they were bad because I found myself able to do things I hadn’t been able to do before. I don’t even know if that makes any sense, but it was a weird sentiment that was extremely helpful for my first couple months in Washington.

This time, as I head into a new unknown, it’s helpful to know that the new unknown things are unknown because I used to know them. Things have changed, but I am affected by those changes because I love and am loved. I formed strong friendships last year, and now I have two friends in Spain and a few others that I can’t support in the way I want to. It’s unknown, but only because I care. I have a new job that I’m nervous about and have no idea how it will turn out. It’s unknown, but only because I care. I’m moving in with someone I’ve never met before. That’s super unknown, but it’s also an adventure. It’s all an adventure. The whole thing.

~ Claira

In Defense of My Black Shoes

Originally published on September 14th, 2019

These shoes, which are torn at the sides.
These shoes, which show my little pinky toes.
These shoes, which are scuffed and scratched and bruised.

They have been there for it all.
Musical rehearsals, and the first time I drove out of a neighborhood. 
The first time I rode a bike, and while on stage for my first college play. 

These shoes, with their strings that have come loose. 
These shoes, with their holes and tears.
These shoes, with my memories and heartbreaks and dreams attached.

They are too loved to be worn anymore.
They are too scuffed and scratched and bruised to continue forward.
They are too full of a past to go further into the future.

There is a reason they are so worn out. 
They carried me through the hard things, 
They were there in preparing me for the future.

So thank you, my black shoes,
For the scuffs and scratches and bruises,
Thank for carrying the memories, and heartbreaks, and dreams.

The One Where I Burn Out: August 2019

Originally published on August 31st, 2019

Thursday, August 01st - Today was my first day off from my training, and it was spent in a little bit of a funk. This class is helping me learn so much, but it also means I’m processing tough information/emotions all the time. I think the biggest thing I’m working through right now is how to love people knowledgeably. I try my hardest to love people to the best of my ability, but I’m learning that the way I give love is not necessarily the way other people need to receive it. Loving people knowledgeably means loving them the way they need to be loved. For whatever reason, this is a hard lesson to learn. I’m definitely learning the value of self care, hence me doing a 5k on my stationary bike while watching Friends.

Friday, August 02nd - This morning I finished this amazing book. It’s the only book I’ve finished this summer, though I’ve been flipping through some others. I highly, highly, highly recommend it to anyone who has been hurt by the church and wonders where to go from there. It’s just a really good book.

Saturday, August 03rd - Today was really not a good one, so here’s a picture of the watermelon I cut up to take to my class potluck.

Thursday, August 08th - Yesterday was my second to last day of the class I’m taking, and boy oh boy am I glad this part is almost over. The last two weeks have been some of the most emotionally draining weeks that I’ve ever experienced, and it’s nice to have a couple days off. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, though, I wrote a lot today (see the badly edited picture below- sorry, it was dark in the room), and drank a lot of tea. Self-care is important, friends. Please remember that.

Sunday, August 11th - This is the face of a very happy college Sophomore who got all of her financial clearance and registration finalization stuff done a whole month and a half before school starts up again. It’s a good Sunday.

Thursday, August 15th - Today was slower than others have been this week. I’m somehow avoiding a bug that’s been going around my household, and here’s hoping the avoidance continues. I don’t have much to say about today (I was literally making smalltalk with my journal this morning), but here’s a picture of some pretty sunflowers.

Saturday, August 17th - Yeah, avoiding the bug didn’t go too well, and today I could be found in bed rewatching old episodes of Jane the Virgin even though I’ve seen them so many times already. I really hate being sick, and today wasn’t that much fun, but the time to rest was good nonetheless. Here’s hoping I feel a lot better tomorrow.

Saturday, August 24th - It’s been a bad week. It’s been a hard month. I think that’s all for now.