The One Where I Turn Twenty: October 2019
Originally published on October 31st, 2019
Wednesday, October 02nd - Oh my goodness it’s October and I’m so excited!! In a somewhat odd twist of events, my show for the quarter is an opera put on by the Music department, and I’m stage managing. I know- it’s different, right? I got the score tonight, and I’m very excited to figure out what’s going on. I’m also very excited for tech week, which is when I’ll get to go in and do all the fun backstage things. In other news, I got a second job today. I’m the prop manager for the drama department, but now I’m also a grader for one of the communication professors. So far this week (and especially this month) has been full of surprises, and I’m excited (and a bit nervous) to see what happens next.
Saturday, October 05th - This is a picture of a very sleepy, very happy girl who has just made her first good cup of dorm coffee of the year. I woke up this morning and said to my roommate that I’m pretty sure I look like a disheveled Pippi Longstocking, and she said it fits with how my week had been, which is a fair point. I realized yesterday that this is the first year where I haven’t been actively internally counting down the days until my birthday, and that was a very strange thing to realize. For old time’s sake, I have 24 days until I turn 20 ;-).
Sunday, October 06th - It seems October has become a month of the French braids, and I am definitely okay with that. Today has been another quiet one. I slept in a little, went for a walk, got some homework done, and cleaned my room. And now I can watch Gilmore Girls without feeling the stress that comes with procrastination, which is never a good feeling. It’s been nice to have a really quiet, somewhat productive weekend. Here’s to a good week.
Tuesday, October 08th - I’ve developed a habit of doing the reading for my directing class while sitting on the box from AWIT. It’s still back behind the curtains in the Black Box, and a couple times I week I can be found plopped on top of it, just doing homework and stuff. Directing has proven itself to be very different from acting, which I knew would happen but I don’t think I realized just how different it really is. Although, the preparation for a director and the preparation for an actor do seem to be fairly similar in some aspects. In other news, the detox tea talk I finished for this month is no longer accurate, because I was handed two new things to act in. Friends, this month has been insane so far, and we’re not even halfway through it yet.
Wednesday, October 09th - Today was one I’d known would be busy since the first day back. I had an essay due in one class, an exam in the next, and two interviews to conduct in another. I also read the entirety of The Glass Menagerie, which I’d heard referenced so much but hadn’t read until now. I really liked it, and I’m glad it was required for my Directing class, because I’m not sure I would have ever gotten around to read it if it hadn’t been. As of writing this it’s exactly 5:26, and at 7:00 I’m heading to a rehearsal for the opera, and it’s possible I’m also doing props now? Which I guess makes sense? But oh me oh my oh man, this month is crazy.
Thursday, October 10th - Well. Today was a bad time. I can’t even tell you everything that happened today, mostly because it was all so ridiculous but also because so much of it has to do with other people and other stories that aren’t mine to tell. What I can say is I didn’t have a good day, and I’m very thankful that tomorrow is Friday and I get a weekend off.
Sunday, October 13th - This weekend was filled with a bunch of kids and a bunch of laughter. More laughter than I’ve had in a while, actually, and for that it was a good weekend. Unfortunately, this weekend was also filled with a bit of confrontation and a touch of tough love, two things I needed but didn’t really want. But yesterday I did get to see someone I hadn’t seen in a while, and it was really good to see her. I’m hoping for a calm upcoming week. Just a week filled with normal days, please and thank you.
Tuesday, October 15th - Lately I’ve been trying to count my blessings a bit more. I used to be really good at thankfulness, and finding things to be thankful for everyday. Over the lats couple years, however, I’ve found that habit to be slipping away. So lately I’ve been trying to think of five things to be thankful for at any given moment. For instance, right now, at 8:23 on this Tuesday morning, I am thankful for: $2.00 drip coffee with free refills, having a bit more time to sleep in during the week (even though “sleeping in” means 7:00 for me), knowing Emma is on her way to the bakery soon, kind people who work at the bakery, and being only two weeks away from my birthday. Along with trying to find more to be thankful for, I’m trying to remind myself in times of stress that I am feeling stressed and a bit anxious because I care. And I care because the things I’m worried about are things I’ve been dreaming of for so long. I’m stage managing an opera. Is that scary? Of course it is. Is it also something I’ve wanted to do for a while? Yeah, of course it is. I’m stressed about finding a play to direct in March. Is that scary and uncertain? Absolutely. But is directing something I’ve been dreaming of doing since I was seventeen? Absolutely, 100% it is. Life is stressful sometimes, but mostly it’s good.
Wednesday, October 16th - Today was the day my dear overalls came out the box. I haven’t worn them since May, when I wore them for A Wrinkle in Time. Stepping into them this morning felt a little strange, but I love them, and I have to find a way to get Meg completely out of my system, and I figured wearing the overalls as Claira would be a good way to start. But anyway! Today is my school’s Service Day, which means a lot of people are doing various community projects for the morning. I’m not, though, and while I do feel a little bad for skipping out, it does mean I’m able to have my first counseling appointment this week instead of next. Yup, I’m going back to counseling. The start of this school year has felt much like the beginning of my senior year (which was two years ago? What?!), and when I realized that I also realized that I needed to do something about it before I fully emotionally burned out.
Saturday, October 19th - Today I am thankful for the weekend, for people who love me, and for the prop room. I am thankful that the last couple of days have been filled with growth. I am thankful for the people who hold me through hard moments of growth. I am thankful for friends who sing quietly in still moments. I am thankful for rain, and podcasts, and 7:00 on Saturday morning. Today I am thankful. Today I am trying to let that be enough.
Sunday, October 20th - I’m thankful for today. It started off really rocky and had an odd conversation in the middle, but overall it was a good day. Last year I worked with a lot of kids on Saturday afternoons, and this year that group has been split into elementary and high schoolers. I’m still working with the elementary kids on Saturdays, but now on Sundays I go back and and spend time with a few high school girls. Today we ate macaroni and cheese and painted mugs to be used for tea on future Sundays. I wrote a bunch of my favorite things on mine, and drew an arrow at the bottom. I’m quite happy with it.
Monday, October 21st - Today was a good one. I went back to counseling for real for the first time in a while. In the last year I’ve gone back for a session or two without expecting it to turn into weekly appointments, but this time around I went back knowing I would probably be going back in seven days time. It was a good hour, and I’m glad I went.
Wednesday, October 23rd - So today I made a mattress. It’s not at all good, but I’m still sharing a picture of it anyway because, well, that’s what I do here I guess. I’m stage managing the opera, but I’m also helping with props (which makes sense considering that’s my job in the department) which apparently means I make mattresses now. The good news is it was supposed to look a bit pathetic, which I said I could do without a problem. I literally just put an old blanket in between a folded sheet and then stapled the sides shut. I wish I was kidding. But in other news, I actually had a really good day today. It was long and I’m definitely ready to go to sleep, but I laughed a lot at the rehearsal and had a really good cup of free lemon ginger tea. I have so much to be so thankful for.
Thursday, October 24th - Today was probably the best Thursday I’ve had since coming back. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but since Thursdays are the days I have both classes and work both jobs, I tend to wake up a little stressed and end the day feeling very run down. Today, however, was actually really good. I finally started looking at plays for my Irene Ryan audition in February, had a really good opera rehearsal, and the project I’d been nervous about for my directing class went a lot better than I had expected. It would seem this month is looking to end on an optimistic note, which I am definitely okay with.
Saturday, October 26th - There’s a cold thats been going around campus for a few weeks now, and I woke up this morning thinking I had succumbed to it. Tech week starts next week for the opera, and I have an unfortunate habit of always getting sick during tech week (it happened during both the Festival of Shorts and A Wrinkle in Time). So, instead of going to see the kids this afternoon, I stayed in bed and drank as much water and tea and took as much emergen-c as possible. It’s the end of the day now and I’m hoping I’ve pushed the cold back at least a week. I don’t care if I get sick after next week, but it would be nice if I wasn’t coughing and sniffling over my birthday and my first time stage managing.
Monday, October 28th - I turn twenty tomorrow, so today I’m sharing this picture of me from when I was probably 3 years old? My mom can either confirm or correct, but I think I was 3. But anyway, I turn twenty tomorrow, which means today is my last day of being a teenager. I’d like to say I’m very thankful to be leaving teenage-dom behind (and I am), but today I’m feeling more nostaglic than anything else. But still, twenty is looking like it’ll go off to a good start. I was asked to help house manage during the drama department’s production of Ada and the Engine, which basically means I’m the face that welcomes people and hands them programs. It’s what I did (unofficially) for You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown this time last year, and I’m excited to spend some extra time in the Black Box next month. Before that can happen, however, there’s tech week and performances of Amahl and the Night Visitors. Tech week starts tonight (yay!!), and I’m still praying the sniffling stays at bay while I attempt to wrangle all the musicians while giving light and sound cues over a headset.
Tuesday, October 29th - It’s my birthday- I’m a whole two decades old! Today was pretty typical in most respects. I got up early and did homework at the bakery. I went to classes and work, and continued with tech week at night. Of course, there were some sweet, out of the ordinary, birthday things scattered throughout the day. I woke up to a scratching noise outside my door, and it turned out to be Emma putting an entire fruit tree’s worth of citrus outside my door (I’m a big fan of lemons, limes, oranges, grapefruits, etc.). Nathan gave me yellow dice as a birthday present, which was very sweet. My roommate made me banana bread and drew a bunch of plants on a card. I made dinner with an surprising assortment of friends (two of which share my birthday), and was surprised by the cast of the opera when they all sang to me and the director gave me dark chocolate with orange. I was really anxious today, which put a damper on things for most of the time, but there were a lot of things to be thankful for. I have high hopes for twenty.
Wednesday, October 30th - Today was the big tech day. It was the day where we had the full choir come back, as well as hearing the music with the orchestra for the first time. The music sounded beautiful, but there were multiple stressful situations to solve before the run through even began. Today I am so, so, so thankful for the main cast who were understanding of my stress and told me not to worry if I seemed less than kind for a moment, and for the two members of the choir who heard me through my hurried, stressed-out language and offered to help with backstage stuff. Tonight was difficult, but it got done. I cried afterward while on the phone with my mom, but now I can fall asleep and (hopefully) feel better tomorrow morning.
Thursday, October 31st - Today is Halloween, which means I am counting down the hours until I can be curled up in my bed watching episodes of Good Witch on Netflix. Until then, I am finishing up homework at the bakery, going through my classes, helping one of the school clubs find some props for an event they’re having, and going to a meeting for this weekend. After I finish writing and posting this, I’ll be looking for another play to possibly direct next quarter. I found one I really like, but everyone needs a backup just in case their first choice doesn’t get approved in a couple weeks. Finding plays is harder than I had initially thought, and good thoughts would be very much appreciated!!
October was a month of so many things. While on the phone with my mom last night, I told her I feel as though I’ve been watching one bad thing happen after another, and I’m really tired of it. In a lot of ways, this month was kinda rough. But I’ve had two counseling sessions now, and I’m starting to find a balance of being their for others and still holding space for myself. This month was also really good. I got to learn how to stage manage. I made some new friends. I turned twenty. Right now I am learning how to hold space for the good when there’s bad, and sometimes also to hold space for the bad when there’s good.