You Know Yourself Best
Originally published on November 19th, 2019
Back in May of 2018, I made a decision no one was expecting. I had done all the preparation. I’d done all my homework (and even finished my math class two weeks early), I’d written my family tribute for graduation, and I’d packed my bags. I was all ready to go. I showed up to school bright and early, and did my final economics presentation. I went with the rest of my class out to the front curb, bags in hand. The cars pulled up, we split into groups, and then I texted my mom to say I didn’t want to go. I was anxious, tired, and overwhelmed. Despite all my preparing, I was just kinda… done. I talked to my principal/class sponsor and government teacher, and said I didn’t want to go on the senior class trip. They both asked some questions to make sure I was sure I didn’t want to go, but I held my ground, called my grandmother to see if she could pick me up, and went back inside the school.
My religion teacher/vice principal saw me walking past the gazebo with my bags and told me to go wait in her office. I wandered in and waited for her to follow. After walking in and sitting down in front of me, she said all she wanted to do was make sure I was making a decision that was good for me. I told her I was really tired, and I explained how stressed and overwhelmed I had been. She got it. She had, after all, been there for both breakdowns I’d had in the previous couple of months. We talked for a little while and then she said she could tell I was making a good decision for me, and I went back outside to wait for my grandmother to pull up. She picked me up, dropped me off at home, and I crawled into bed with the rest of the ice-cream from the freezer and settled in for four days completely school and stress-free.
Like I said, no one was expecting me to not go on the class trip. Sure, I hadn’t been overly excited about it during the lead-up, and I hadn’t packed until the last minute because I was stressing the night before, but I don’t think anyone was expecting me to choose not to go at all. Weirdly, though, I don’t regret my decision. I spent that weekend catching up on some much-needed sleep, reading a book I’d been wanting to crack open for a while, and going to my previous high school’s graduation to see my first high school class graduate. I was able to sneak my way in and surprise some friends, hence the picture below.
I’m pretty lucky that I have a family and had teachers who supported my decision to skip out on the class trip. I’m lucky that had two friends who understood how overwhelmed I had been feeling and how much I really needed four days of nothing to recuperate. If I hadn’t had those days off, I’m pretty sure my day-long panic attack on my last day of school would have turned into a full on breakdown. The end of my senior year was really rough, and I hadn’t been taking care of myself well enough to handle everything. But as soon as I realized what I needed to do, I did it. And that’s what matters, I think.
The moral of this story is you know yourself best. I knew that going on that class trip was just going to be more stress and wouldn’t be the relaxing four days I so badly needed. In the eyes of a lot of people, I’m sure it seemed really weird that I wasn’t going on my senior class trip. It probably seemed like I was wasting an opportunity that I had worked really hard to earn. And the thing is, I did work hard. But I knew that the thing I earned wasn’t what I would get on that trip. For much of my class, I’m sure the trip that had been planned would be really relaxing for them, but for me I needed my ice-cream, books, sleep, and the chance to see some of my best friends graduate high school. I knew myself best, and luckily this was a time when I listened.
