A Letter to Fifteen Year Old Claira, Who is Crying in the Kitchen
Originally published on October 19th, 2019
As we discussed last year, I spent my sixteenth birthday on a biology trip. Since I was away from home for the actual day, we celebrated my birthday a few days before. Somewhere between birthday cake and presents, I burst into tears and ran into the kitchen. My mom followed me (as she often has done), and I expressed how upset I was that I was about to be closer to twenty years old than to ten years old. Now, at ten days until my twentieth birthday, here is a letter to my fifteen year old self.
Little Claira,
If I thought you’d believe me, I would tell you not to worry because it will all be okay. I would say you’re going to be so happy when twenty comes around, and I would say that no matter what bad thing happens in the next four years, it’s all going to be okay.
But I know you won’t believe me, so I’ll just skip that part. Instead, let me tell you about the good parts of growing up.
As you grow up, you learn more about yourself. You learn to recognize why you’re feeling certain things. You’ll figure out how to get through hard days, and how to hold on to the good ones a bit longer. You’ll learn to recognize which city’s air you like best. You’ll learn which friend to go to for what problem. You’ll still always go to your mom first. You’ll finally learn how to curl your hair with a straightener to save time, and you’ll figure out how to paint your right fingernails with your left hand. You’ll find a favorite dress to wear swing dancing, and a favorite t-shirt to wear to bed after a bad day. Also, you get to have coffee every day.
Of course, there are still things you’ll have to work on. You still put other people’s needs in front of your own so much that your own just fall through the cracks. You still say yes to too many things at once. You still don’t speak kindly to yourself. But you’ve learned to surround yourself with people who remind you to take care of yourself, and who call you out when you say something less than kind to yourself. The best thing about growing up is you find your people (though the coffee thing is a close second).
The funny thing about looking back at where you are now is I know a secret- everything you want to happen is going to happen. It may not happen the way you want it to, or as fast as you want it to, but it will happen. The sneaky thing about that is that, oftentimes, when it happens you won’t be happy about it. You’ll wish for simple, for familiar beginnings, for a driver’s manual for life. Or, it will happen and you won’t notice it happened until a year later. Life is funny like that, I think.
But then, of course, I’m a hypocrite. I’m terrified of turning twenty-one, when I will be closer to twenty-five than to fifteen. There is so much in the next five years that I don’t know about, so much I can’t plan for. The difference, though, is I know it’s all going to be okay. Even if nothing turns out the way I plan (because it never does), and even if everything is completely different than it is now, I know it will all be okay. So, little Claira, don’t be scared. Be brave. Be kind. Be thankful. You’ve got this.
Love,
Almost Twenty-year-old Claira
