Detox Tea Talk: November 2019
Originally published on November 12th, 2019
Hi, I have many a qualm. If you’ve read my monthly blogs from September and October, or if you’ve talked to me on the phone at all since I’ve been back at school, you may have picked up that this year hasn’t really lived up to my expectations. I know I’m supposed to let things happen as they will and not worry too much about planning, but wow this quarter has not been a fun time. I am very ready for Thanksgiving break.
Remember how last month I talked about how I need to get better at making space for myself? Yeah, so instead of doing that I just didn’t. And then a couple weeks ago on a Friday I had a full breakdown in the prop room in front of Emma and Nathan, which I had never done. I’ve cried in front of them a billion times, yeah, but I’ve never fully broken down in front of anyone but my mom. I didn’t like it. The breakdown continued for the rest of the weekend, but I carried on like nothing had happened. I went to be with all the kids (which went okay, as you’ll see in the monthly blog), stage managed the opera (which also went okay), and helped clear the black box so tech week could start for Ada and the Engine. I broke down, and then didn’t do anything about it.
So, on Wednesday, my brain decided it couldn’t do anything to make me slow down and instead called my body in for help. I got to work and felt really sick. I clocked in, felt too awful to clear props, and clocked out again. I went to find my other boss to ask if I could take papers home and grade them there instead, and before I could say anything she said, “You look pale, are you feeling okay?” and then told me to go home and sleep. Spoiler alert: I didn’t. Instead I worked on a group project, went to an Ada rehearsal, got back around 12:00, didn’t fall asleep until 1:30, and the got up at 5:30 to go to the bakery to finish writing my director’s vision essay.
I went to my classes, and by the time I got to Media Writing (the class my professor/boss teaches), my friend Lindsey told me I still wasn’t looking any better than I had the day before. My professor put her hand on my forehead and told me to get the assignment in class and then go sleep. I finally did. I ran into Rylee, who is stage managing Ada, on the way back to my dorm and she told me not to worry about the invited dress rehearsal. I went to my room, binged watched Gilmore Girls for the rest of the day, and then went to sleep at around 8:30. I still woke up at 6:00 and that brings us to now, with me writing this out at the bakery.
I’m still not feeling great, but I am feeling slightly better after getting enough sleep last night. This weekend is going to be another stressful one, since I’m going to the kids as usual and then house managing Ada. Actually, both weekends before Thanksgiving break are looking the same. After Thanksgiving break ends I have dead week, finals, and then finally this quarter will be over. I’m telling you, after last fall quarter and then this one, I don’t have high hopes for fall in Walla Walla.
But, to not leave this on such a bad note, here are some of the things I’ve done well in the last eight weeks: I started going back to counseling. I found a play I really like to direct next quarter. I learned to recognize when I’m not stepping back into my own emotions after being there for others’. I stage managed an opera. I spent a lot of time with a lot of kids. I haven’t really enjoyed the last eight weeks, but there have been good moments. I’m feeling better about finals than I did last fall, and I still have high hopes for next quarter.
Love,
Claira
