Detox Tea Talk: October 2019
Originally published on October 15th, 2019
So, um, things have changed. I’m now in a little play that is proving to be a bit stressful, but that’s okay. I’m still working on making space for myself, and more stuff has happened recently that has given me opportunity to practice this. (Claira, on October 14th, about a week after writing this).
I have fourteen days left of being a teenager. Fourteen days until I enter a new decade. Fourteen days until I am in my twenties. This whole “growing up” thing is so weird to me. There seems to be a recurring theme where I don’t feel like I’ve mastered an age or time of life until it’s over, and I have a sneaky suspicion things will only continue that way. As an example, I was talking to my friend Savana a couple weeks ago and she brought up the fact that I am almost not a teenager, and I responded with, “But I only just now figured out how to do it well!” I won’t be surprised if I have a similar conversation in ten years, only talking about nearing my thirties and how I just figured out my twenties. But that’s a long time from now (and a bit freaky to think about), so moving on…
I’ve been back at school for almost a month now. Back to with the classes, the bakery, the drama department- back with it all. I’ve seen and hugged my friends. I’ve started my jobs and started looking for a play to direct this winter. I’m back, and I’m happy to be back. Some moments have been overwhelming, and my first week back was definitely one for the books (and not in a great way). Still, I’ve been back for a month, which means I’m passed the initial shock of returning and into my normal state of reflection and trying to figure everything out (is this necessarily healthy? No. Will I try to figure out why I try to figure everything out? Absolutely).
I’m not acting this quarter. Originally, I came into the quarter with a play I was doing, but then a bunch of stuff happened (hence the week that was a tornado of a time) and it got scratched. Instead of acting, I’m stage managing an opera and taking a directing class. I’m also working as the prop manager this year. I’m still working in this department and in the theatre world, just in different ways. I love it, but it feels a bit strange.
I haven’t acted since June, which was four months ago. I know that doesn’t seem like a super long time, but for me it feels like forever. Well, actually, I take that back. I’ve acted a little. I had a read-through of the script for the play I was originally doing, and then I had an audition and call back for the fall production, but that’s the extent of my acting this quarter. It feels strange to be myself 100% of the time. Over the last school year I got used to being other people, whether for scene assignments or for plays. To be myself all the time is something that used to be my normal, but now I’m having to get used to it again.
What I’ve realized in the last few weeks or so is I don’t really know who I am here. The last year was spent either being so stressed I couldn’t focus on myself, being in friendships that caused me to merge my personality into their’s, becoming a character I love so much, or focusing on other people too much that I never had the space or time to figuring out who I am here in Washington, in these buildings and with these people. Since I’m not acting right now, I’m being forced to create some space for myself, and I don’t like it.
So, I said I’d stage manage an opera and accepted another job. I’m excited about these things, and they are beneficial, but saying yes to both was not the healthiest thing for me to do. I went into this year saying I wanted to work on forming healthier relationships, but neglected to realize that doing that also means working on having a healthy relationship with myself. Making that space for me to figure out who I am here. It’s hard to me to do. I don’t like thinking about myself or focusing on myself too much. I would much rather think about those I love or on my future self and do things that will benefit me in the long-run. But, making that space for myself is the hard thing to do, and the hard thing (I’ve found) is often the thing I’m supposed to do.
Love,
Claira
The message that was attached to the tea I had while writing this.