19 Things I Learned While Being 19
Originally published on October 26th, 2019
Well… what a year that was. I turn twenty in only three days, which feels incredibly unbelievable. I learned so much this year, and so much of it was so hard to learn. I know I needed this year in order to grow and change and start new things, but I also know I don’t need to be happy about all the things that happened this year. With that said, here are the 19 biggest things I learned while being 19…
1. I was not made to be an English major.
I was a happy English major for about two weeks… and one of those weeks was orientation. I played through some new possibilities in my head (Business, Communications, Film & Television, Sociology) before finally settling on Social Work. Aaaand then I switched to Global Communications at the end of winter quarter. My point is, my well-thought out plan went totally awry from the very beginning.
2. It is okay to change your situation if something isn’t good for you.
This is something I used to tell people all the time, but I never really learned it for myself. in January of this year I moved into a different dorm with a different roommate. I changed my major, and I quit my job. Instead of surrounding myself with things that weren’t working out well, I piled on tons of good things. After moving, I auditioned for various plays, and I got temporary job in a nearby theatre. And then this year, I changed things again. I’m living in probably the best living situation I’ve had so far, I’m in an academic department I adore, and I have two jobs that I’m always excited to go to. Don’t force yourself to live in misery if you can do something to change it. It’s not worth it.
3. God always answers the signs you ask for.
I am a self-proclaimed Gideon. I ask for signs a lot because I’m always afraid of doing the wrong thing. I don’t do this as much as I used to, but over winter quarter of last year I asked for them constantly. For whatever reason, during winter quarter, every sign I asked for came about. What I’ve learned is God always answers the signs you ask for, he just sometimes says no or not yet.
4. People do not belong on pedestals.
They just don’t. Everyone is human, with both good and bad qualities. Putting someone on a pedestal only hurts everyone involved. Yeah, it can be hard to step away from the rubble when the pedestal is knocked down, but it’s worth it to see people as they are.
5. Sometimes kind people do bad things, and sometimes bad people do kind things.
This was a hard one for me. I’m getting better at seeing good things in people who I once considered to be a “bad” person, but I’m still having to work on seeing more negative qualities in people I consider “good,” the people I love. But what I’ve come to realize is there are kind people who will do bad things, and there are bad people who will sometimes do kind things. People are complex. I have a feeling I’ll be learning a new part of this idea every year for a long time.
6. Showmances are dumb.
Yup… that’s all on that one.
7. Never underestimate the power of art people and science people being friends.
All of my friends are either art/drama people, communication people (which is an art in and of itself), or STEM people. I love that on any given day I am surrounded by diverse ways of thinking. It makes life way more exciting than simply staying the box of your own department (though there is a lot of diversity within my own department as well). I am so thankful to have friends who are all interested in so many different things.
8. Life never follows a plan.
I had so much planned for 2019, and literally none of it went how I thought it would, and some of it (most of it) didn’t happen at all. 2019 has still been a wonderful year where really good things have happened, but my plan for the year definitely did not come to pass. I think I’m starting to feel okay with not having a plan, and I’m getting better at coming up with a plan and then knowing that God’s gonna do what God’s gonna do, and whether the plan turns into reality or not isn’t completely in my control.
9. Giving yourself time to grow up is not a bad thing.
In fact, it’s a necessary thing. You can’t expect yourself to be on the same level as people who are three years older (or even one year older). I learned this when I took a 400 level class last quarter (when I was a Freshman). There’s a whole story of how I came to realize this, but that’s for another day. For now I’ll just say that it’s not bad to give yourself time to grow up. I may be an old soul, but I’m still nineteen- for a few more days, at least. I’m allowed to not have it all figured out by now, and so are you.
10. Meditate, meditate, meditate.
During spring quarter of my Freshman year, my acting teacher gave me homework. He said I needed to work on letting go and getting rid of some inhibitions, and told me to try meditating. I then went to my planner and wrote in meditate on every single day slot for the rest of the school year. It became a habit, and now I find myself setting a timer for five minutes every day to sit and practice letting thoughts go in and out.
11. A walk can solve the world.
Whether it was by myself or with a good friend, I went on so many walks this year just to organize thoughts and figure stuff out. Spring Quarter of my freshman year was an especially walk-full time, and I always found that I felt so much better afterward. I haven’t gone on enough walks lately (mostly due to my sprained ankle that still isn’t totally healed yet), but whenever I have I have again been met with a clearer perspective on whatever I seem to be facing.
12. I’m always going to work with the people I’m supposed to work with.
I’ve been in a few plays, and I’ve been given a few scene assignments in the last year. For every play I’ve done, there has been a cast change. Every. Single. One. While this has been tricky to work around and sometimes heartbreaking, it has taught me that I’m always going to work with the people I’m supposed to work with. I’m always going to learn something from the shows that I do, and from what’s happened so far oftentimes I’m going to learn something from the obstacles that arise throughout the process.
13. I am always going to be capable of more than I think.
I don’t trust myself very easily. My default way of thinking is to assume that I will fail. Back in June when I had that very difficult scene assignment, I brought in reinforcements to help with part of it, and my reinforcements brought their own reinforcements as well. During the first successful rehearsal, my friend Rylee said this to me- “You keep saying you can’t do something, but then you do. Stop saying you can’t, because you clearly can.” This has stuck with me ever since, and it was really helpful. I also started learning how to drive this year. I still don’t have my license, and my permit expired over the summer so I still need to get that figured out, but before it expired I started learning how to drive. I realized fairly quickly that driving itself isn’t as hard as I had worked it up to be in my head. I’m more capable of doing this than I thought I was, and now I just have to remember that and actually get that license this year.
14. The whole “there is good in bad, and bad in good” thing.
I like to think I’ve always been pretty good at finding the good in the bad. I’m an eternal optimist, almost to a fault. But this year I’ve definitely encountered moments and situations that reminded me that, even in a very good thing, there can still be some bad. I’m still not sure how to face this, since I still find myself waiting for something to come soon that will be completely good. I’m not sure if I’ll find it, but I’m holding out hope. For now, I’m simply trying to get back in the habit of finding things to be thankful for everyday.
15. Love people knowledgeably.
One of the biggest things I learned this past summer is to love people the way they need to be loved. I could love someone so much and they could never know it because I’m not showing them love in a way they understand. This was actually a hard thing to learn, and an even harder thing to put into practice. This may sound very silly, but I’ve found the Enneagram to be super helpful with this (for people who also appreciate the personality test and all the wonderful things I believe it has to offer). Knowing the love languages of the people around me is also good, especially since I’m an anomaly in my family and I’ve had to find more ways to show my family I love them than what I’ve defaulted to in the past.
16. You are not responsible for anyone except yourself.
Oof… yeah, I’m still working on this one. Like I mentioned in my Detox Tea Talk this month, I’m not great at making space for myself. With that, I tend to put all my energy into other people and start to think it’s my job to take care of them, and often I start to believe that every bad thing that happens to them is my fault. Consciously, I know none of that is true. It’s fully believing that and living it out that’s the hard bit. I’ve gone back to counseling to work on this, and hopefully I’ll make progress on the living it out part.
17. Trying to have healthier relationships is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
On several occasions this year I had to break my own heart in order to put it back together in a healthier way. Being vulnerable is so hard, and while I fully believe it’s worth it (if you’re vulnerable the right way with the right people), that doesn’t make it any easier. To be open enough to express how you’re feeling is difficult. To pull out a piece of your soul and hand it to someone for a minute and say, “Here. This is a part of me, please hold it for a moment” is so hard. To hand over that piece of your soul and say, “This isn’t working for me. Something needs to change, and I’m scared of what that change looks like,” is sometimes even harder. I hope I always believe it’s worth it, but wow. This is a hard lesson to put into practice.
18. Grief is a weird thing.
A little over a month ago, my Grandad died. I knew it was coming, and I’d half expected to officially hear the news and be sad but not feel connected to the situation (mostly because of the distance between California and England). Much to my surprise, after the 6:00 AM phone call with my dad I went outside into the chilly September morning air and started to cry. I then spent the rest of the day in and out of tears. I didn’t really talk about it, until that Sunday when I saw my acting teacher from last year (completely out of the blue), and blurted out that I was really happy he was there because I’d had a really weird week because my grandfather had just died. I guess certain people bring out your vulnerability more than others. But yeah, grief is a weird, unexpected kind of thing. I’m not happy I had to learn this one.
19. Living the questions means living in the present and being okay with it.
This is something I have been trying to learn for so long. My mom has always told me to practice living in the questions, and she has always cited Rilke as her greatest source. But she never told me what it meant. Finally, over this past summer, it dawned on me that in order to be okay with not having the answers I need to be okay with living in the present. I’m still not sure how to do this well, but I think I’m closer than I have been in the past.
Nineteen was a weird year. In all honesty, it was a hard year. The good thing about that, though, is I feel ready for twenty, which is more than I could say before I turned eighteen and nineteen. And even though it was a hard year, if I had to choose I’d say nineteen was my favorite of all the teenage years. When I think of nineteen, I think of all the people who came into my life this year who showed me what it means to create a family for yourself. They showed me love, and joy, and selfless care. I think of A Wrinkle in Time, and the black box, and chalk drawings on Saturday afternoons. I think of my first winter with snow and warm spring mornings when I wrote an entire research paper in a bakery. I think of working backstage of Calendar Girls and writing my name on the wall of two theatres. Much of the lessons I learned this year came from hard moments and difficult situations, but they led to beautiful ones too. Nineteen was a weird year, but I’m thankful for it all the same.