Salty

Originally published on June 06th, 2019

Upon seeing this on the list of words, I just assumed it wasn’t talking about the flavor. Trouble is, I’ve never really been able to keep up with modern language. Maybe this has something to do with me reading lots of Shakespeare and classic novels in high school, or maybe it just has to do with being more and more stingy with my words as I’ve gotten older, but regardless of why, I had to look up the word “salty” before I started writing today. What I found was this: “The word ‘salty’ is a slang term, which can used to describe someone who is angry, agitated, or upset, as well as someone who is mean, annoying, and repulsive.” Lovely.

As those closet to me will know, I am not an aggressive person. At all. Not even a little bit. In fact, I was asked a couple of days ago what I would do if I was cheated on, and I replied by saying that I would cry, call my mom, go for a run, and then talk to the person to figure out what happened before (most likely) breaking up with them. The thing is, I wasn’t even trying to seem mature in my response. I genuinely believe that that is what I would do. Yesterday, another friend tried to teach me stage combat stuff in order to work out the load of tension I have suppressed over the last few weeks, but even though I had fun, I wouldn’t say it brought out my aggressive side.

When I was a kid, I was angry a lot. Not always outwardly, but I was upset about 80% of the time. Whether it manifested in crying, screaming, punching a pillow, or throwing a stuffed animal across the room, it was clear that I was seriously angry. As I’ve gotten older (and gone through many, many, many years of therapy), I’ve moved away from that. Of course I still feel angry sometimes. If I was cheated on, I would definitely be upset. The difference, I believe, is that my emotions now manifest in different ways. I believe that I can help people better if I can keep my emotions in check and not run my mouth off in anger. Unfortunately, when I am angry, I tend to shut myself off and ignore my emotions before finally processing them out in (hopefully) healthy ways.

The only problem I’ve found in not being able to be aggressive is when I’m acting. For A Wrinkle in Time, I played a character who is pretty angry most of the time, and her aggression definitely comes out in physical ways. I had a lot of trouble being angry for the play, whether through pretending to punch someone or push them over, or just yelling. I really had to put myself in a place of anger between various scenes, and that wasn’t at all easy for me. Through AWIT, I learned that being angry is not always a bad thing. There are times when it is okay to be angry. I still don’t believe violence is ever the answer, but that doesn’t mean the emotion of anger is never okay.

I went for a walk last night, as I now do every night. I’ve had a long couple weeks of processing unknown emotions, and yesterday I (with some help from my mom) finally figured out what was going on. I was talking with Kiana about everything, and when we turned a corner the sky turned into this frenzy of orange, pink, yellow, and spots of blue. As we kept walking, we heard thunder and saw lightening. The sky was angry, but it was still beautiful. The emotions were contained and somehow brightened by the sky. I continually have to remind myself that feeling angry is not a bad thing, it’s how you react to the anger that matters. Feeling anger does not make you a bad person, it makes you a human being who feels a wide range of emotions.

Weight

Originally published on June 05th, 2019

Remember yesterday when it was fun and lighthearted and we talked about the time I attempted to raise four chickens for science? Yeah. Well, buckle up kids because today is a different kind of day. When I first saw this word, I immediately assumed I would go into a schpiel about body image. It’s something that I don’t think about a ton, but definitely enough that I could probably squeeze a good five or six paragraphs out of it. However, the more I thought about it, the less I wanted to talk about body image. Instead, I thought I would talk about a different kind of weight- the emotional kind.

A year ago I was in super intense therapy. I was going in every Thursday, and I was journaling about it a lot as well. I had a lot of emotional weight bearing me down and making it harder to deal with the other stuff that was going on. Many of you will remember this, but at the end of last school year I basically shut off all my emotions, disassociated from everything but getting all my work done, and then broke down into tears the first night of my graduation weekend. I hadn’t gone on my class trip, and I had a month and half of general anxiety during the summer before going to France.

When I returned from France, I stopped going to therapy. I had made great progress over the course of the year, and since my counselor happened to be leaving, I figured I would be okay to stop then and there. When I started college that September, however, I quickly realized that I still had much work to do. I had multiple panic attacks during the month of October, and the flashbacks to childhood that I had thought were over managed to return full force. I’m lucky that my university offers ten free sessions of counseling for students, and towards the middle of October I walked myself in and explained what was going on. I had a couple sessions every other week after that, and then my counselor told me he thought I was doing okay, and I, in his words, “graduated from therapy.”

As you may remember, the months of January-March were really good for me this year. I wasn’t homesick, I was surrounded by good people, I enjoyed my classes, I was in a play, and I wasn’t super stressed. I didn’t feel an urge to go back to counseling like I had the previous quarter. And then, almost like a ton of bricks, spring quarter arrived. I spent seven weeks completely focused on A Wrinkle in Time, and much of my emotional energy was spent trying to keep my friends afloat while still trying to handle my insecurities. I was also writing a research paper on drama therapy and how it can help children cope with trauma, and while it was super interesting for me, it also brought up some stuff that was hard for me to deal with. Right after AWIT ended a few weeks ago, I was given a new scene assignment that has easily taken up 70% of my brain space. This is a story that I’m sure you’ll hear about in a book at some point in time, but not quite yet (mostly because I’m still in the thick of it and I’m not completely sure what I’m supposed to learn yet).

I wound up going back to the counseling center last week, and yesterday I had another session to debrief a few things. I’m still going for walks and journaling and doing other things that I try to keep as habits so I can keep my mental health in check, but sometimes I need a little extra help. I couldn’t juggle all the plates in the air by myself anymore, and I needed someone to take a couple of the plates for a moment so I could regain my balance and put things into perspective again.

When emotional weight is bearing down on you, it is okay to ask for help. For me, asking for help often comes in the form of going to counseling. Sometimes it’s talking to friends or writing in my journal, and when I’m feeling especially bogged down I call my mom more than usual (but I call her a lot, so…). Asking for help looks different for everyone. When emotional weight takes up lots of space in our brains, it can be so hard to do or think about anything else. I think people talk about physical health a lot, and yeah, that’s important too. Your physical health will play into your mental health. But I still believe that taking care of your emotional wellbeing, and talking about that is also super important. Asking for help is really, really, really hard. But if you go to the right people, it’s always worth it.

Eggs

Originally published on June 04th, 2019

“Eggs, scrambled eggs, having scrambled eggs with friends. Having eggs with family. Eggs and menstrual periods. Eggs and abortion. Eggs and birds, and poultry, which birds are another kind of poultry. There’s a kind of bird that builds nests that are like four feet tall and they keep the egg inside and they have to keep it at an exact temperature or else it will die. Also tadpoles.” Last night I went for a walk with my dear friend Kiana, who graciously offered these examples when I told her I wasn’t sure what to write about today. The good thing about going off of a list of one-word prompts is that I don’t have to think too much about what to write about, except for when there’s a word that I can’t really connect to any good story or life lesson.

When it comes to eggs, the first thing I think about is a chicken. Of course, from there you can go in multiple directions. The first one that comes to my mind, however, is the time I thought it would be a great idea to raise chickens for science. Yeah. Didn’t see that one coming, did ya?

I was fourteen years old, and in eighth grade (apparently that’s how I’m starting all my stories this week). For science class we were told that we had to think of some experiment or observation project. I, thinking I was being super smart, thought it would be a great idea to get four chickens and then watch them grow for about a month. My grandmother and I went to a garden store, picked out four chickens, and took them to my house where they proceeded to live in my room. I had it all planned out. I was going to bond with the chickens, and they were going to love me very much. I would cry when they left, and then, probably, my mom would realize how attached I was and then we’d acquire four more animals in our already ark of a house. Ahh, naivety.

What I neglected to consider was the fact that I would be going on a prayer retreat the weekend after collecting the chickens, so my mom would be stuck with them for an entire weekend. Before you ask, no, no I have not lived this down in the five years since these events transpired. I also had decided to wait until the last minute to get the chickens, so I only had a very limited about of time to complete the project. On top of that, the only real requirement for this project was a journal where I wrote down notes from my observations every day (aside from that weekend when my mom had them. Sorry Mom). But did I do said journal? Nope. Not until the last week when I hurriedly made up entries and wrote them down before decorating the front cover with chicken stickers. And no, I didn’t particularly bond with the chickens. In fact, I was actually kind of scared of them. I was sad to see them leave, but, alas, there were no tears.

To be honest, there really isn’t much to share here in terms of advice or life lessons. Except maybe don’t think you can raise chickens if you’re fourteen, already have a guinea pig, and know that doing a quick and easy science experiment will get you the same grade (actually, probably better). Also, don’t leave your mother home with your chickens. She’ll never let you forget it.

My mom took this picture the weekend I was gone. I joke, but I am very thankful that she helped me with this project, no matter how many jokes have continued in the years since.

Red Lips

Originally published on June 03rd, 2019

I was never the makeup person. The first time I remember wearing it I was nine or ten years old, and it was for a ballet recital. I hated it. It was awful. I never wanted to do it again. When I was eleven, however, my mom let me buy mascara and a tinted chapstick or lip balm, and I started using those a lot. Suddenly, I didn’t seem to mind wearing makeup if it was super minimal, as long as it didn’t draw extra attention to myself.

In middle school, I had a really hard time making and keeping good friends, and it didn’t help that I went to such a small school. One of the extra consequences of going to a super small school is that, at least in my case, people tend to be put into boxes a lot. For me, I was the smart one. I took pride in that, but always wondered what it would be like to be one of the girls that everyone liked. To be completely honest, I really wanted a boyfriend at fourteen (which now, at nineteen, seems absolutely ridiculous. But it’s the honest, middle school truth). Towards the end of my time at that school, I started to wonder if I would have better luck if I changed a couple of things. I wasn’t willing to stop trying my best in school, so I decided that working on my appearance was the obvious thing to do.

I was fourteen when I asked my mom if I could start wearing makeup. She took me to Sephora and I had one of those things where someone does your makeup and then tries to get you to buy the products they used, which I’m pretty sure is what we ended up doing. And then I started wearing makeup almost every day. It was a weird switch in my brain, and I definitely didn’t know what I was doing. Soon after, I went on a retreat thing with the girls from my class, and there was a morning where we were all standing in front of a mirror doing makeup together. I did what I had been doing, and instead of everyone carrying on and doing what they were doing, all of the attention was suddenly on me. I was told that I was doing stuff wrong, and was kind of told how to fix it, but not really. It quickly became clear that wearing makeup was not going to be the thing that got me a boyfriend. I’m pretty sure I stopped wearing makeup after that for a few months, and then returned to it slightly around my eighth grade graduation.

Once I got to high school, I returned to days of not really wearing makeup. Sure, I went through stages, but it definitely was no longer an every day thing. Makeup become something I only used if I was trying to impress someone- a boy, a group of girls I wanted to be friends with, or even family members if I hadn’t seen them in a while. I wore it to events, church (on the rare occasion that I went), and sometimes I just wore it in my room to remember what I looked like. The first time I wore red lipstick was to a Christmas banquet my senior year, and while I thought it looked okay, I was quickly told that it needed to be fixed. The difference, though, is that the girl fixed it for me, and even though I didn’t love feeling like I couldn’t do a typically feminine thing, I liked that I was told what to do to fix it.

Since starting college, I have found that the only time I really wear makeup is if I’m involved in a show. Since stage makeup is so much heavier than regular makeup, I find it important for my skin to let it breathe when I’m not wearing a good pound of it every night (that’s what it feels like, at least). For the Festival of Shorts back in winter quarter, I learned how to do my stage makeup. I never thought it looked great, and I took every chance I had to let other people do it for me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t willing to learn, it’s that I had tried to learn and I had never been successful. For A Wrinkle in Time, I had a lovely friend do my makeup every night for me, and I never had any complaints. I didn’t hate how I looked, and since I trusted her to do a good job, I wasn’t anxious about it, either.

I guess I now have a sort of complicated relationship with makeup. I don’t wear it unless I’m in a show or I’m just having a day where I feel like it, and on those days it’s always super minimal. If I’m not in a show, I don’t like other people doing my makeup because usually they make a big deal out of it and it always comes across like they’re trying to change me in some way (that’s how it comes across to me, at least). I have found, though, that as I’ve gotten older and moved further and further away from middle school, I’m not judgy of the people I see who do like wearing lots of makeup everyday. What I’ve learned is that, whether you wear makeup or not, it’s your own decision. If you want to wear it one day and not the next, that’s fine. If you want to wear it everyday or not at all, that’s fine too. On that same note, I think it would be a good idea if we stopped paying attention to people’s makeup decision so much. Whether you wear it or not, it’s not a huge deal unless it’s your job to care about it. Let people live, make choices, and change their minds as much as they want to.

I’m not sure why I have red lipstick, but somehow I acquired it. I put this on simply for this picture and post, and then promptly took it off.

Stars

While Emma (who also played my mother) did my makeup and Emily did my hair.

Originally published on June 02nd, 2019

When I first saw this word on the list of prompts, I figured this would be the easiest one. I mean, this entire blog was formed out of my obsession with stars and a specific lyric that talks about a favorite activity of mine. But then I stopped and realized, “I just finished doing a pretty big thing.” I was just Meg in A Wrinkle in Time, and while I haven’t fully processed the end of it yet, I am definitely tired. The book the play was based on (also called “A Wrinkle in Time”) focuses heavily on science, math, experiments, etc. Space and other planets and worlds are a huge part of the story. But that’s not what I’ve been thinking of when I think of stars in relation to the play.

As many of you will know, I struggled horribly with feeling like I was good enough for this role. It wasn’t until our final rehearsal that I sat down with my director, and was finally able to say that I was proud of the work I had done. It wasn’t that I didn’t think I could do it, and it wasn’t that I was wasn’t doing my best, it was that I didn’t think my best was good enough. So I spent five weeks trudging along, memorizing lines and blocking, and doing as much as I could to make up for the fact that I didn’t think I was capable. Like I talked about yesterday, I went on a lot of walks during the run of this show. When I would walk with others and we would talk about it, a few of them would often say that I was the star. Then they would say that they knew I didn’t like being called “the star,” but that it was still true. They were right, I didn’t like it. It felt that I was walking around in shoes that I had to grow into. Still, they were right about the other thing, too. I had the lead role. For all intents and purposes, I was the star. Even so, I am uncomfortable with that. I didn’t like the idea of calling myself a star. I didn’t like the idea of placing myself above everyone else.

When I look back on the people who have lead roles in shows I’ve done in the past, they were never “showoff-y” about it. They were humble, but also proud of themselves. Even so,they didn’t let themselves put down their ability in order to life others up, because that’s not real humility. They were just really nice to everybody- other cast members, crew, directors, etc. When I think about how they affected my experience, I can’t help but hope that I was able to make A Wrinkle in Time a good experience for others as well. Not because I was on stage the whole time, but because I was part of big group of people making something beautiful. My only worry in not being willing to call myself the star, is that I won’t be giving myself the credit I know I deserve.

Because the thing is, I did work hard. I was at rehearsal an hour early every night, and during tech week was there for five-six hours a night. I spent hours memorizing lines and blocking, I gave up some stuff in order to give this show the attention it deserved. In saying I don’t want to be called the “star,” I don’t want it to seem like I’m putting myself down because I did work hard, and I am proud of myself. But other people worked really hard too. In the grand scheme of the whole show, I was a small part of it. There were other (extremely talented) actors, an amazing tech crew, a director and stage manager who put in hundreds of hours to make it as good as it was. I am so lucky to have been privileged enough to work with such wonderful people.

I am proud to have been able to play Meg. She will forever hold a piece of my heart, much like she did when she was just a character in a book I dearly loved. I loved playing her, but I still wouldn’t call myself the star. I may have had the lead role, but I would consider everyone else to be the stars. The director and stage manager who worked with me to help me realize that I was doing okay? Stars. My friends who went on extra walks to help me process emotions when things got tough? Stars. The actor who had to leave halfway through? A star. The actor who came in to take over? A star. My two friends who had to stand stick straight for about two hours while three of us ran an emotionally charged scene over and over again? Stars. Those who, in early days of rehearsals, came for the entire rehearsal to have us not even get to a part they were in? Stars. The tech crew who worked so incredibly hard to get everything together in time? Stars. I am lucky to have worked with them. I wouldn’t have been able to do this if it weren’t for them. I hope to work with them again, but if I don’t, I hope they know how much I loved working with them. And even more than that, how I much I love them.

We all have stars in our lives. I am lucky to be surrounded by so many, so much of the time. If you are also surrounded by your stars, tell them. Give them a hug or a kind word. Don’t take them for granted. Tell them you love them. This world is full of stars, and I am sure that the more we look for them, the more we find.

Running

Originally published on June 01st, 2019

I used to hate running, but I don’t anymore. I’ve talked about this a little bit on this blog in the past, but whenever I do, I never really talk about what my relationship is with it now. To put it simply, if given the choice between going for a run and going for a walk, nine times out of ten I will choose the walk. For a long time, I thought this was a bad thing. I thought that if I was walking instead of running it meant that I wasn’t as dedicated as other people or that I just wasn’t willing to push myself.

The only times I’ve ever gone through stages of running a lot have been when my brain has been so full of emotions and I haven’t had another way of dealing with them. I ran so much before starting at my second high school because I was so stressed about not fitting in. In May of 2017 I ran almost every day because I was heartbroken and had taken to pounding out my anger on pavement. Last summer, when I kept spiraling into anxiety, I bought a stationary bike and used that instead since it was so hot to run outside. After my nineteenth birthday I ran every morning because I felt out of control and wanted to control just one thing (this is probably unhealthy, but that’s just where I was at the time). During A Wrinkle in Time, I fully expected to go back into a spurge of running every day because, statistically speaking, I expected to fully break down and need to run in order to pick myself up again. But somehow, that didn’t happen. Instead, I found myself going on a lot of walks.

It started when one of the cast members of AWIT had to leave. I was completely heartbroken, and so were the people playing the Father and Mother. In order to process it all, we went for a two hour walk after the first rehearsal with the new actor. Later, on a random Tuesday, one of those same friends was clearly going through something. Since I had figured out what was going on, he started talking about it, and I suggested that we go for a walk. We walked out of College Place, which, from the dorm to the sign is about 2.5 miles. That walk has now become a tradition for me. Through the rest of AWIT, I did that walk with three of my favorite people, all the while processing emotions. The show brought out a lot in us, and walking was how a lot of us chose to figure it out. Since the end, I have continued walking almost every evening. Since the sun goes down later here, I go out around 8:30 and walk for about an hour during the sunset.

What I’ve discovered is that it doesn't really matter if I’m running or if I’m walking, what matters is I am taking care of myself. And, what I’ve discovered, is that my mental health is better when I choose to walk. Not because I’m not running, but because I don’t feel the need to. I will still go for a run every once in a while, because there are parts of it that I do like. I love running in cool air, especially in warming seasons because the air smells really good due to flowers. I love listening to louder music and letting my thoughts disappear for a bit. But the thing about walking, and especially with my “walk out of College Place,” is that it forces me to contemplate. I don’t like listening to music when I walk. I enjoy the two and a half of miles of processing what is going on in my head. So, no, I don’t hate running anymore. I choose not to because I am not in a place where avoiding vulnerability with myself is a good thing. I am in a place where consciously thinking about what is going on in myself and my world is really helpful.

Someday, I will probably wind up in a stage of running again, and that won’t be bad either. It just means that I’ll need to process things differently. And, honestly, there are worse ways to process. Physically, running is good for me regardless of how my mental health is. But I do love walking, and I do love my walk out of College Place. I’ll miss it a lot while I’m in California this summer. For now I am very happy to continue my nightly tradition for the next twelve days, so if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for a walk.

Every time I reach this point, I hit the sign with my hand, and then turn around and stand outside of College Place for a moment before heading back to campus.

The One Where I Say Goodbye to Meg: May 2019

Originally published on May 31st, 2019

Wednesday, May 01st - Happy May! Today I finally added my Hispanic emphasis to my Global Communications major (which is something I should have done about five weeks ago, but luckily this is one of those times that “better late than never” is true). While I was filling out the paperwork, I looked down at my backpack to discover a little ladybug that had hitched a ride to the CommLang department. I’ve heard ladybugs are a symbol of good luck, and here’s hoping this is a sign of good things to come in the next month.

Thursday, May 02nd - Rehearsals for AWIT are still very much underway, and now that I’ve finally managed to get a handle on all the lines, they’re less of a point of stress for me. I was talking to a friend recently about how it seems as though the things I love most (Advanced Acting, A Wrinkle in Time, etc.) have become the biggest stressers in my life this quarter, and he said it’s probably because I care about them the most. Thinking about it in that way has helped me put a lot into perspective, hence making rehearsals a more freeing time. Our invited dress rehearsal is only a week away, and while I’m super excited to see the many family and friends that are coming, and I’m thrilled to share this story with everyone, the pressure is definitely on. Still, I have found beauty in an empty blackbox. No matter how busy, this space is still so meditative for me.

Sunday, May 05th - Today was the first day of tech week!! Even though I’m sad this experience is almost over, seeing the show come together is so much fun. I spent all weekend working on homework for this week so I wouldn’t be too stressed out, and even though I felt myself begin to slip into dangerous levels of overdrive, rehearsals have pulled me out of it and reminded me of why I do what I do. Today was a good day, filled with lovely people, and I’m so excited to see what the rest of this week has in store.

Enter Meg….

Wednesday, May 08th - Somehow I always manage to get sick over tech week, and this time it has hit harder than others. Last night was definitely a late one, and if tonight goes like all the others this week, I won’t get to sleep until around 1:00 AM. This morning a dear friend brought me coffee as I went to my 9:00 AM class, and on the cup she wrote encouraging messages. I’ve been thinking lately about how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends. They are intelligent, creative, talented, funny, kind, beautiful, and up lifting. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but I’m so thankful that I did.

Thursday, May 09th - Today was the dress rehearsal for A Wrinkle in Time! This whole process has flown by, and now that we only have performances left it seems I’m in a constant state of bittersweetness. Unfortunately, my cold made it’s way to my nose and my voice, and I definitely struggled with articulation throughout. Luckily, however, I have dear friends who bring ginger tea and I have cold medicine that I’m not allergic to. Now to sleep this off as much as possible before our first official show on Saturday!

Me and Emily backstage before places were called, ginger tea in hand.

Saturday, May 11th - Tonight was opening night!! I cannot possibly say enough good things about how it went. There were people I love onstage with me and sitting in the audience. There were nerves, laughter, tears, and so much love I almost didn’t know what to do with myself. I’m so happy this was only the beginning of performances, and I can’t wait to do it all over again tomorrow.

Me and Kiana right before going backstage :-)

A Little Bit of Writing Everyday in June

Originally published on May 31st, 2019

I love reading and writing. I always have, and I hope I always will. What I have discovered over the past school year is that maintaining a long list of books I’ve read and essays I’ve published is hard- especially when I’m so focused on theatre and building up a life away from high school. Even so, I still want to write, and I still want to read. With the end of the school year coming up, I figure now is a good time to post a little bit of writing every day for the month of June. I will be taking one word prompts from a project done by Carrie Hope Fletcher last month, and hopefully this brings out new ideas and more writing experience for me. So here’s to June, and a little bit of writing every day.

~ 140 words

If I Didn't Have To

Originally published on May 07th, 2019

Sure, it’s beautiful.

It creates community- a family like no other.

It lifts me up and makes me feel whole and at home.

Still, if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t.

Who would want to go into something knowing it would break them?

Knowing the crash is inevitable,

Knowing things will end abruptly, often before you’re ready?

But, the thing is, I do have to.

Because if I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t be able to say I did my best.

I wouldn’t be honest.

I wouldn’t be brave.

I wouldn’t be living.

I do it because I have to.

---

I wrote this poem right before tech week for A Wrinkle in Time began. I’ve had such a wonderful time in rehearsals and it’s been a true joy getting the chance to share so many hours with these people. Still, as I approached tech week my heart started to break a little. Theatre is beautiful, but it is also heartbreaking. Yes, the sadness that comes from getting rejected from an audition is awful, but I would argue that the bittersweetness that comes with knowing a beautiful thing has to end is worse. If I didn’t have to do theatre, I wouldn’t. If I didn’t feel that this is what I was meant to do with my life, I wouldn’t touch it. I don’t like change or feeling uncomfortable, and there is so much of both in this world. But, the thing is, I do feel that this is what I was meant to do. So I continue to, and I strive to remember all the reasons I love it when it gets hard.

To Me, the Girl in Marseille- Here's What You Should Know

Originally published on May 04th, 2019

Hello,

Right now you are walking in hot weather in a black dress that will inevitably lead to slight sunburns on your shoulders. You’re walking past many boats on the still water and smelling the slight scent of soap around every corner. You’re avoiding speaking French (much to Mom’s dismay), and you’re sitting on the terrace at night soaking it all in. While here, you will come to the realization that you are ready for college. You will remember that you are prepared and while you may be anxious, you are able. With that said, I think there are some things you should know.

Nothing will go as planned. And I mean literally nothing. You will come in as English major and absolutely hate it. But you’ll meet a good friend who is also in your acting class. Speaking of acting class, it will be the only good thing about Fall Quarter. Your job will be hard. You will struggle to feel safe most of the time. You’ll go back to therapy for a bit. You’ll almost fail a class. But, like I said, acting class will be your saving grace. Through this class, you will meet all of your new friends. And the girl who does the monologue during week two that scares you? She’ll be your roommate Winter and Spring Quarters. Yeah, everything changes. You’ll try Social Work for a bit, and while it will teach you many things, you’ll eventually leave that behind too (due to you not wanting to be a social worker. Surprise surprise).

The good new is, through that experience, you will learn about Drama Therapy, and that will change your life goals. Your desire to help people through theatre will finally have a name, and your reason for going to school will finally have a tangible purpose. You will change your major to Global Communications so you can go to the people who have been pushed away and let them tell their stories. You will decide to go back to your 12 year old self’s dreams and combine your interest in psychology and neuroscience with your 17 years old self’s dreams of working in theatre, and choose the path of becoming a Trauma Informed Drama Therapist and Theatre Educator. I take it back, one thing will remain the same- your minor in Drama, and with that your love for theatre. The people will become your family in ways you didn’t think possible. Let yourself open up and let them in.

In terms of travel, nothing will go to plan there, either. You won’t go to England or Montreal for spring break, but instead you will go to Seattle where you’ll see your favorite poets perform. You’ll do what you’d once said you’d never do, and go home for a couple days of spring break. It will be good. Your summer is looking to be completely different than you once thought, too, but that’s a conversation for another post. You aren’t going to England next year like you assumed would happen for the last fifteen years. Instead, you’re looking at being in Spain for the Fall of 2020. But, who knows, maybe that won’t happen as planned either.

You won’t find love right away, and that’s okay. I know, I know. You completely assumed that by going to a school dubbed Western Wedding University, you’d have your fair share of romantic endeavors this year. You were definitely wrong, and I’d suggest avoiding the month of November all together (and don’t attempt to repeat it in January. I’m serious, Claira. Don’t do it). On that same note, showmances are dumb. You know this already. Please remember it. While you may have moments of loneliness when you look at your friend group and find that half of your friends are there because they are dating people you were friends with first, you will still be okay. This feels like a good time to mention the next thing you should know…

…Everything happens when it is supposed to. I’ve shared this quote before, and by now you know it well, but here it is again:

“If it is right, it happens- the main thing is not to hurry.
Nothing good gets away.”
~ John Steinbeck

Steinbeck wasn’t kidding, and neither am I. When something is supposed to happen, it will. You were supposed to be Girl #2 in Les Mis, but, as it happens, you were also supposed to be Meg in A Wrinkle in Time. Don’t hurry yourself, because- seriously- nothing good gets away. If the thing you thought was good disappears, it wasn’t good for you. It wasn’t for you in the first place. Be thankful for the changes, and allow everything to happen as it does, because…

… Everything is going to be okay. You won’t fail your math class. You’ll find good friends. You’ll be part of every production the Drama Department has (whether on purpose or by accident. *cough* Charlie Brown *cough*). In about a month, you will make a list of all your biggest fears in moving away and starting school. Some of those things will happen. But, I promise you, it will either all work out for good or turn out not to be bad at all.

A couple random pieces of advice- always, always, always keep enough money in your bank account to buy coffee creamer before tech weeks. It may seem silly, but as non addicted to coffee as you may be, you don’t want to be buying Dutch Bros. every day in order to get through the long, late hours of extra rehearsals. Befriend the girl in your acting class who sits next to you in the employment office one afternoon. She’ll play your mom in about seven months, and she’ll be one of the best people you meet this year. Maybe hold off on publishing that letter to the Adventist church. At least wait until after midterms are over. Keep going for evening walks, they’ll save your brain from overthinking. With that, meditate more. Write everything down. This year has been one for the books, and it’s not even over yet. Keeping thinking you can do this, because you can.

Love,

Me.

Me, in Marseille (July, 2018)

The One Where It's Always Tech Week: April 2019

Originally published on April 30th, 2019

I’ve been doing “Books I’ve Read & Places I’ve Loved” since December of 2016. I loved doing that series, and I still love looking back on those posts. However, I’ve found that they no longer accurately depict how my months go, and as you may know I’ve been trying to be more honest and genuine with these blogs. With that said, here is the first installment of a new idea I’m trying out :-).

Monday, April 01st - Today officially marked the beginning of Spring Quarter, which meant new classes, a new schedule, and (finally!) new weather. This quarter I’m taking a class in communication and languages in a global society, a class on privilege and oppression, an advanced acting class (cue the happy tears when I officially got in!), and research writing (in order to take advanced acting, since it’s an upper division class). I went to all the classes today, and while I think research writing is going to be the bane of my existence for the next eleven weeks, I’m feeling very optimistic about where everything is headed. Today also marked the beginning of rehearsals for A Wrinkle in Time! I’m so exited to be back to days of rehearsals, line memorization, and bonding with a giant group of people.

A happy Claira on a happy day :-)

Friday, April 05th - It’s finally Friday and I couldn’t be happier! It’s been such a wonderful week and it’s been really great to get back to friends and classes and play rehearsal, but it’s also going to be really nice to sleep in for a couple days. Today started out all beautiful and sunny, and slowly the clouds and rain crept in. My roommate wanted to get her haircut, so we walked to another friend’s house before the rain started and when we left it started sprinkling. We fed said friend’s horse and then drove back to school. The picture below was taken on the drive back to school when it had officially started raining. My little friend group (minus two) went to vespers and then had a mini game night later on. It was a typical Friday that served as the perfect end to a wonderful week.

A rainy drive back to school.

Monday, April 08th - I am full on craving an AWIT rehearsal. One was supposed to happen tonight but it was canceled due to my director traveling back from a weekend film festival. So, I must be content with memorizing lines and getting the endorphins through using the dorm gym (a less fun way to keep my happiness levels up, but good for me nonetheless). It’s still raining today, and while it’s really pretty to look at from inside, my walk to Privilege and Oppression was anything but fun. I made the mistake of wearing a dress (I just really didn’t want to wear pants), and by the time I’d made it to the other end of campus the front of my dress was pretty soaked. But we live and we learn, and I have definitely learned to suck it up and wear pants on rainy days. I am now off to do some reading and some line memorizing, all while drinking a very good cup of coffee :-).

A smiley Claira with her afternoon cup of coffee.

Tuesday, April 09th - Fall Quarter, I had so many bad mental health days I lost track. Winter Quarter was so much better and I only had a couple days where I didn’t feel my best. I was hoping Spring Quarter would be much of the same, but the last couple of days haven’t been the best. Today was a rough one, and I’m hoping tomorrow will be better but I’m not sure how to make that happen. I had a rehearsal tonight, and I think I’m suffering from a little bit of imposter syndrome. Here’s hoping I can figure that out and tomorrow’s rehearsal will go better.

A subpar picture of my (yup) coffee during my walk back from my class.

Saturday, April 13th - Today was quite the day. I had a really relaxing morning (a rarity), and then spent the afternoon with a bunch of kids. I’ve worked with an organization that’s a bit like VBS (Vacation Bible School) since the beginning of Winter Quarter, but I never felt like I was bonding with the kids. That seemed to change a little today, and I’m very thankful for that. Afterward, I cleaned my room and started working on my homework at around 8:00 pm. Tomorrow is supposed to be a crazy day, so hopefully working on stuff earlier than usual will pay off.

Privilege & Oppression homework at 9:15 at night on a Saturday… this is the life I lead.

Sunday, April 14th - Today I got to participate in a really cool project, and it was so much fun. A friend of mine is a senior and for her senior project she worked with some elementary students who wrote scripts, and then college drama students performed them. I was lucky enough to be one the actors, and the scripts were wonderfully whimsical, hilarious, and, of course, creative.

A cheesy face, NASA t-shirt, and wet hair (because a normal time to shower is a now a nonexistent thing in my world, so my hair is often wet at odd times of day).

Wednesday, April 17th - This week feels like it will never end. Everything is still super exciting, but I’m definitely tired and ready for a couple days of more sleep. Today I had my acting class, and when it was over a bunch of us stayed behind to talk with our teacher about how to do theatre in the Adventist world. We talked about shame and how hard it is to make good art in a community that has a tendency to put aside hard progress and conversation. Talking with my teacher and my friends gave me a lot to think about. Today was definitely one of my favorites so far.

A random black and white selfie (and the drawing on my wrist is a subpar depiction of what a tesserat would look like…)

Saturday, April 20th - After the conversation with our acting teacher on Wednesday, one of my friends asked if I wanted to find a mountain to go sit and process our thoughts on Saturday. I said yes, of course, and found myself waking up at 8:00 on a Saturday to drive to Oregon and sit on a stump to think about my future in the Adventist church. I still have loads to think about and figure out, but right now I am trying to reconcile my idea of God with my idea of church and how I don’t think I need church but I know I need God and spirituality to be part of my life. Combining my need for spirituality and my need for theatre is what I’m trying to figure out next.

I took this while sitting on a tree stump with my raincoat pulled around me as raindrops fell down from the trees above me.

Wednesday, April 24th - I have no words for today, so I will take some from Meg: “You are my darling, and my dear, and the light of my life, and the treasure of my heart. I love you, I love you, I love you.” (Meg, to Charles Wallace).

Friday, April 26th - I spent a lot of time outside today. After four hours in the sun, I’m pretty sure my shoulders will be a bit pink tomorrow, but the time was still needed. I went on a walk with a good friend, and we talked about many of the events of this week. It’s been so long, and parts of it have been so hard. It’s been one of those weeks that makes you think about how you’ll put it in your memoir in thirty years and what you’ll have to say about it then. Still, I am thankful for neighborhood walks with good people, and tea, and swing sets, and sunsets.

I took this on my walk to vespers. It’s been really nice having the sun go down later, especially because it means I can walk through the sunset.

Sunday, April 28th - Today was one of those weird days that is constantly making you wonder if it’s a good day or a bad one. There were many good things, such as breakfast and dinner with lovely friends, a trip to an empty parking lot where one of my friends let me drive her car (in preparation for when I’ll have to take my driving test this summer), and the realization that I know more lines than I thought I did. But it was also filled with procrastination, a weird AWIT rehearsal where I didn’t feel like anything was clicking, and a consistent dread of the upcoming Monday. I have decided, however, to go to sleep only focusing on the good. I have so, so much to be thankful for right now, even if some moments leave me feeling unbalanced.

I had a few moments in an empty blackbox, which is one of my favorite things :-)

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Well… that was quite the month. It was messy and beautiful and heartbreaking and uplifting all at the same time, and the end is leaving me with a bad mental health day and an unsettled spirit. I hope this month was good to all of you, and I hope that if it wasn’t, May is much better. Here’s to the next 31 days, I really hope they are consistently wonderful.

Me, at 19 and a Half (almost...)

Originally published on April 27th, 2019

Well hello there! My name is Claira Jean Eastwood, I am nineteen years old, and I have been for almost six months. Here is a picture of my face… with coffee, of course.

I am in my Freshman year of college at a school in Washington, and I live in a dorm room filled with brick and Christmas lights. I sleep in a typical twin sized college bed, but I brought a mattress topper with me from home so I’ve never had problems sleeping. I have a blue and white comforter, and the weird bed chair thing also followed me from home. I still sleep by the window, which I love because when it’s open a little bit I can fall asleep while breathing in fresh air.

I can often be found in one of three places: my dorm room, the building across from the dorm that houses the drama department, or the black box where I have my acting class and rehearsals for A Wrinkle in Time. Speaking of rehearsals, they happen two hours a day five days a week. Much of my time is spent memorizing lines for AWIT and for my acting class. When I’m not memorizing or doing homework for one of my other three classes (Research Writing, Communication & Languages in a Global Society, and Privilege & Oppression), I can be found having game nights with my friends, having random Monday night conferences when something odd occurs in one of our lives, or (sometimes!) reading a book I’ve been wanting to read for a long time.

I wake up between 8:00 and 8:30 in the morning- depending on if I have my 9:00 a.m. class or not-, make coffee to go, and get dressed (yeah, in that order). I’ve been really liking wearing colorful jewelry lately, so my bright blue earrings or hoop earrings with bright flowers have been making regular appearances. My mom gave me a necklace with an arrow on it for my graduation, and I haven’t really taken it off ever since, along with the arrow ring she gave me for Christmas. The arrow has a story behind it that I will inevitably tell eventually. Over spring break we were in Vancouver for a couple hours, and I got a necklace with a tiny giraffe on it, and that has also stayed around ever since.

My clothes depend on what my day is going to look like. I tend to dress up more on Tuesdays and Thursdays just because I don’t have many classes and I’m not super tired yet. I have my acting class on Mondays and Wednesdays, and it has affectionally been dubbed “P.E. for actors” since it involves so much physical activity. Those days are a constant stream of “go, go, go” until 4:00, and then I have rehearsal at 8:00, so I tend to wear leggings instead of jeans. Everyday I use my perfume that smells like peaches, and for shoes I still go back and forth between my knock-off Toms and my knock-off Birkenstocks (I’m still cheap and I still like my feet to be fashionable… sort of). After having to wear more makeup than usual during the Festival of Shorts, I kind of avoid it when I don’t have to wear it, just to keep my skin sane before tech week and performances of A Wrinkle in Time.

I call my mom on a daily basis, and text my brother often. I Skype my England grandparents some Thursday mornings and text my California grandparents every night. I don’t doubt that I made the right decision in moving to Washington for college, but I do miss my family and it is definitely strange to not see them every day or be there for birthdays, Sabbath afternoons, and Wednesday dinners. I love and miss my family very much, and there is always a part of me that can’t wait to go back home.

My days are simple, but exiting. I go to my classes, have lunch (and sometimes dinner) with my friends, do homework, go to rehearsal, and sleep. On weekends I spend lots of time with little kids, have game nights with friends, sometimes go swing dancing, and clean my room as much as possible so I don’t go insane during the week. I spend my time with artsy people and sciencey people (that is the correct terminology), and because of that I am never able to see things just one way. I listen to music and read articles and write blog posts. I laugh and talk and dance and love every day. 19 has been really good to me so far, and the next six months (and two days!) have so much in store. I’m so excited to see what happens next.

Detox Tea Talk: April 2019

Originally published on April 20th, 2019

Happy almost end-of-April! Since I’ve been writing and posting more this month, I don’t feel the need to catch you up on a bunch of stuff in a stream of consciousness post, and that feels like a nice change. Instead, I thought I would just process some of the stuff that has been floating around in my brain the last few days, and dump it all here.

This week has been a long one. It’s been beautiful, and funny, and messy, and good, but it’s been long. I’ve gone to bed exhausted every night, and I’ve woken up unsure of how I will make it through the day. I made decisions that will affect the rest my year, and I procrastinated on everything else. I had deep conversations and many reflective moments. I cried after rehearsals for A Wrinkle in Time (both because of how I’m kinda stressed, but also just because I love it so much and I’m really unsure of how to put it into words), and tried to stuff as many lines as possible into my head beforehand. I tried to break through mental hurdles and figure out how to get through my insecurities. And that, my friends, only brings us to Tuesday.

So yeah, it’s been a long week. This morning I woke up at 8:00, met a dear friend in the lobby at 8:30, and we drove into middle-of-nowhere-Oregon and sat on tree stumps trying to process ourselves. I searched for epiphanies and found none, and tried to pray but continually got distracted. It was good to escape to the woods for a little bit, but I wouldn’t say I came back to school with any newfound clarity. If anything, I’d say I’ve come away with even more questions than I had before, many having to do with theatre and religion.

I grew up in church, and I grew up loving theatre. Both communities have been incredibly important to me at different times of my life. Theatre has been more constant, but church has had it’s place. The thing is, I wouldn’t say church is important to me now. Back in October, when I wrote my letter to the Adventist church, I was deep in a culture that I thought I had to be in to find God. I still wholeheartedly stand by everything I said in that letter, but it does not accurately depict my relationship with the Adventist church, and it does not accurately depict who I think I am. That said, it still 100% accurately depicts who I think God is. I still believe God is a God of love, I just don’t think the Adventist church represents that love. Not all of it, at least.

When I think of theatre, I think of love. I think of community, and I think of family. I think of people who have lifted me up on some of my darkest days, and people who have made me into a better person. When I describe my love of theatre to others, I often catch myself saying phrases I have heard others use to describe their love of their church. To put it simply, theatre- and, more specifically, my school’s drama department- has become my church. My acting classes and my rehearsals, while sometimes difficult, are a spiritual experience for me. For those hours, I am entrenched in a very deep connection with people. (To be clear, I do not see “church” and “God” as being the same thing. So when I say theatre is my church, I am not saying theatre is my God. I’m saying that theatre is where I feel closest to people, and through them I feel closest to God.)

I believe that I was put here on earth to help people and to love them unconditionally, and, for me, those are hard things to do through church. Especially when I believe I was put here to help and love people through theatre, and the church I grew up in constantly tells me theatre is unnecessary. So yeah, I have been struggling with figuring out how to reconcile my time in church and how intensely it shaped my childhood with my love for theatre and how studying it and living in it is intensely shaping everything else.

I could go into how A Wrinkle in Time has been challenging me in terms of my many insecurities, or how my mental health hasn’t been fantastic this month, or even how I’m really happy about the warmer weather, but I think this is where I’ll close out. It’s 10:30, and I have a busy day tomorrow. One of the things I love about this series is how the posts often serve as almost public journal entries. And the thing about my journal entries is I rarely come to a neatly tied up conclusion at the end. As you can guess, I still have plenty to process. But thank you for reading, and I’ll talk to you soon <3

~ Claira

Sarah Kay, Spoken Word Poetry, and Me

Originally published on April 16th, 2019

I used to hate poetry. No, I used to detest poetry. I couldn’t understand it, it didn’t make sense, and I hated having to memorize rules in order to be creative. It wasn’t until I discovered Sarah Kay (and through her, Phil Kaye) that my opinions on poetry began to change. I was fifteen years old and in my Freshman English class when my teacher pulled up Sarah Kay’s TED talk. She opened with her poem B, and instantly I found myself falling in love with the way she used words to portray her thoughts. She mentions in her talk that spoken word poetry is how she combines her love of theatre and poetry, and it wasn’t until I was a little older that I realized how true that is, and how much I now relate to it.

After watching her TED Talk, I continued to look for more of her poems. As the years went on, she quickly became my favorite poet. I read her book in April of 2017, and over half of it was underlined after reading it just once. I recently reread it, and different pieces stood out to me, underlined in a different color to signify the time difference.

Over the years, Sarah Kay has given me words when I had none. When I was heartbroken in 2016 but starting to move forward, her poem with Phil Kaye entitled When Love Arrives, was played constantly. In 2017, I often returned to her poem Postcards, and I have heavily underlined and annotated it in the book. In the past few months, her poem The Type has been on replay in my head, pieces of it written on post-it notes and placed in various notebooks and on walls. You see, over the years there have been few moments where I haven’t been able to find words. I talk a lot, and I write even more. I always have. But still, there have been moments where I have had no idea what to say. Sarah Kay has been there every time, handing me a line or a complete poem that gives me the words I desperately needed.

Knowing all of this, you can imagine the joy when I discovered I could see both Sarah and Phil in Seattle for a mere $15 over my spring break. I bought the ticket, told my mom about it, and then bought my mom a ticket as well. I texted my uncle to ask if we could stay with him, and got myself a bus ticket to Seattle. On a warm Saturday evening, my mom and I saw my favorite poets live. I managed to hold it together until Sarah performed The Type, and then I silently lost it. Phil Kaye also did many poems that I love dearly, so it’s safe to say I was a little bit of a mess by the time they were done.

After it was over, we were all given the chance to buy books of theirs and then get them signed. My mom and I stood in the long line and I slowly grew more and more worried that I would make a complete fool out of myself. My mom says I did fine, but all I remember is going up to them, handing over the freshly purchased books, and saying, “I’m not really sure what to do now so I’m just going to stand here,” and smiling like a little idiot. They asked me for my name, signed the books, and I said a simple “thank you” over and over again. If I hadn’t been so nervous, this is what I hope I would have said:

Thank you, Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye, for being my words when I had none. Thank you for calming me down when I was anxious and for making me happy when I didn’t think anything could make me smile. Thank you for helping me fall in love with poetry, and for being a gateway to so many other poets I have come to love. Thank you for giving me inspiration for my own poems, and thank you for being the reason I write poetry at all.

A Small Quote From a Poem I Don't Want to Share Yet

Originally published on April 09th, 2019

I would tell you that you confuse me.

That being around you is like working on a puzzle I know I will never finish,

But still trying my hardest anyway.

I would tell you that you make me feel strong when I am with you,

But small when you leave.

I would tell you that I do not trust you,

That being around you feels like the calm before the storm.

Claira Changed Her Major Again

Originally published on April 06th, 2019

At the end of Winter Quarter, on a Wednesday around 9:30 pm, I could be found in the green room of the Film department talking with the Dean of the Communications & Languages department. My roommate and I were both having a crisis about our degrees, hers because she wanted to spend all her time being creative and wasn’t sure how, and me because I was a Social Work major who didn’t want to be a Social Worker. I loved learning about problems and how to fix them, but I was getting tired of the looks I would receive from other Social Work majors upon saying I didn’t want to follow the traditional career path after graduation.

That night, in the green room, I talked to the Dean who would eventually become my new advisor (hello Dr. C!), and explained how I want to help people using theatre. I told her how I was starting to consider Global Communications as my major, simply because I’d been thinking more and more about the global need for Expressive Arts therapy and how little access there is. I told her about my upcoming trip to Nairobi and what I’ll be doing there, and she said Global Comm. seemed like a good decision for me. The following day, me and my roommate both changed our majors, and I embarked on journey towards helping others tell their stories.

Along with thinking about the need for Expressive Arts therapy, I’ve been thinking a lot about how important our stories are. As an actress, I get the chance to tell a lot of different stories while somehow telling my own at the same time. There are so many circumstances and situations that people can end up in that lead to their stories being erased or vastly misunderstood. I want to spend my life not only teaching people how to express themselves on a stage, but also giving people the chance to tell their story in a safe environment. There is such a need for empathy in the world, and I don’t think we can have real empathy if we have no way to understand each other. Stories are a way we can be understood, and they are how I want to help people.

So there you have it. I am now a Global Communications major (with an emphasis in Spanish), with a double minor in drama and psychology. I was always that kid who wanted to do five things when they grew up, and now I’ve found a department where I can do just that. I’ve combined a bunch of things I love into one, and I’m so excited! I believe I was put here on earth to love people and help them tell their stories. I am in school to learn how to do that to the best of my ability, and I can’t wait to continue this journey.

Why I Loved the Book "A Wrinkle in Time" So Much

Originally published on April 02nd, 2019

When I was eleven years old, my mom gave me some books for Christmas. Being an avid reader, I was excited to dive right into a book called A Wrinkle in Time, as well as the four other books in the series that followed it. Weirdly, however, I was unable to get into the story. Year after year, as much as I tried, I wasn’t able to finish it until I was seventeen. My mom has told me a few times that we aren’t able to read books that we don’t need yet. When we need the book, we’ll be able to read it. That was certainly true in this case. When I was finally able to read it, I fell in love with it for various reasons, one of the main ones being how Meg was written.

Meg is impatient. She thinks she’s ugly. She is loyal and protective of her family but doesn’t know how to harness those strong emotions into acceptable actions. She doesn’t understand the things around her, but she feels a need to understand things. I have related to each of these things over the course of my life so far, and I still see myself in some of these things now. I think it is rare to find a character who is portrayed honestly and without hesitation in their flaws being on display. I love how honest Madeleine L’Engle wrote Meg. The way she was written definitely helped me feel more understood, even as a seventeen year old.

When reading A Wrinkle in Time, one of the things that struck me most was the relationship between Meg and Charles Wallace. Their relationship reminds me greatly of the relationship I have with my brother. I don’t always understand my brother, but he always seems to understand me. He is protective, and loyal, and smart. There are so many times where I have been confused about something and he has instantly understood, and there have been times when no one has understood something about me but he has. My little brother is my very own Charles Wallace, and I consider myself very lucky.

I love this book very much. One of my favorite sentiments of it is to never be afraid of being afraid. I have always been a nervous person, and anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I scare easily. Still, I do my best to push myself out of my comfort zone on a regular basis. Another theme of the book that I love so much is the idea of love being bigger than hate. The only way Meg is able to help Charles and get everything sorted out is by remembering that she has the power to love. I think if we all remembered that love is greater than hate, and that we all have the power to love, the world would be a much better place.

If I read the book at 11 when I was first given it, or at 14 when I was the age Meg was, I don’t think I would have noticed all the similarities like I do now. I don’t think I would have related to Meg because I didn’t see how we were the same. Time was good, and having the perspective as a 17 year old reading it and as a 19 year old performing it is better, I think. At least it is for me. Oh, yeah, I may have forgotten to mention that my school is doing A Wrinkle in Time as our spring production, and I have been cast as Meg. I am extremely excited about this opportunity, and I can’t wait to continue with rehearsals and grow in my acting ability. This is certainly a challenge, but it is a challenge I believe I am ready for.

Changes Are Afoot

Originally published on March 23rd, 2019

The summer I was sixteen, I moved, went through a bit of a heartbreak, prepared to change schools, and started a blog. This here blog did not go live until October, but I started writing posts and designing the bits and pieces in July. Shortly after moving, actually. I wrote my first poem, read the Harry Potter series, and played my ukulele and guitar a lot. The summer of 2016 was actually a really awful summer, but the years that have followed have been wonderful.

The summer I was eighteen, I worked with a theatre, went to France and Luxembourg, finished a book (that will remain unread for who knows how long), and prepared to head off to college. Since moving to Washington I have been involved in three(ish) productions, most recently in a play about a Ferris wheel where I played a character much like myself who is terrified of heights. Last Sunday I had an audition for the spring production, A Wrinkle in Time, and after a callback and a few days of impatiently refreshing my email, I found out I’ll be playing Meg Murry. It’s a huge undertaking, and is one I am nervous but extremely excited about. This sort of brings me to my point in writing today…

I have a feeling a lot is going to change with this website soon. I’ve been here for almost two and a half years, and over the course of this time so much has changed. Not only have I gone through my final years of high school and finished two terms of college, but certain parts of my personality have changed as well. I started this blog when I was sixteen (though nearly seventeen), and I was in kind of a weird place at the time. Originally, I wanted to have the blog for two years in high school in order to gain an audience before starting a YouTube channel in college. I wanted to be known and recognized for my work. After going semi-Adventist viral back in October and scouring through (mostly negative) comments about my writing, I’ve changed my mind about a lot.

I am perfectly content with the little audience that reads my blog. I love knowing I’m writing to friends and family, plus the occasional new twitter follower who stays around for a day or two. With that said, the main reason I write now is for me. Every once in a while I will look back at old things I’ve written and it feels like reading a public version of a diary, especially since I know everything that was going on behind the scenes of writing each post or poem. This blog is my scrapbook, but right now it is very polished.

Since January, I haven’t been writing as much. Part of it has to do with being pretty busy, but a lot of it had to do with feeling daunted by the prospect of facing a blank screen and having to fill it with five paragraphs of a new life lesson I’ve learned or a story from years and years ago. I don’t want to do that anymore. Okay, I still want to make lists of the things I’ve learned from a play or the *current age* things I’ve learned before my birthday, but I also want this blog to be more scrapbook-y. I want to share stories as they happen, and instead of fitting my life in with this blog, I want to fit my blog into this life.

When I was sixteen and this blog began, my life revolved around the books I read, the tea I drank, and the songs I wrote. Now, at nineteen, my life revolves around the drama department, the game nights I have with my bestest of friends, and the weird conversations I have with my roommate. I drink (possibly too many) cups of coffee, and I don’t read as much anymore. I want these things to be obvious upon reading a post, not thrown into a random paragraph. I want to look back at these posts in a few more years and know for sure what it was I was feeling when writing. So, some changes are afoot. I’m really excited to start sharing :-)

Me, summer of 2016

Me, spring of 2019

Detox Tea Talk: March 2019

Originally published on March 12th, 2019

I cannot believe we are already in the middle of March. When you read this, I will be about to head right on into finals week, though oddly enough, I’m not feeling the stress that I felt last quarter. I think it has to do with having felt a sense of peace all throughout the last ten weeks, which is something I did not have last quarter. That being said, I am definitely still feeling pressure to end this quarter strong, which has been hard ever since the end of the Festival of Shorts. I have a strong case of the post-show blues, and gaining enough motivation to open a History or Sociology textbook has certainly not been easy.

The Festival of Shorts ended a week ago tomorrow, which means my time as Dorie also came to an end. For whatever reason, no matter how much I prepare for the end of a show, it’s still so heartbreaking when it ends. I’d like to say I let myself sit with the bittersweetness, but in reality I was simply too busy to let myself focus on the end. I had so much family come see the show, which was lovely, but it definitely made for a lack of reflection time. So, I carried the bittersweetness with me all of last week, and I’m only now trying to leave it behind.

Over the course of this quarter, quite a lot has changed. My major is now Global Communications with an emphasis in Spanish, along with my double minor in Drama and Psychology. I’ll tell the whole story of the switch soon, but for now let’s just say that God has a funny way of getting things figured out when they are supposed to be figured out, and not a moment sooner.

This has been a bit of a hodgepodge post, but much of what I still want to say deserves it’s own post. I sense a lot of change coming up in the next few months, and I have a feeling those changes will make their way into what this blog looks and feels like. Please accept this post as my check in for the month, and I’ll be back soon <3

~ Claira

I Return to Poetry

Originally published on March 12th, 2019

When the show is over,
The lights are turned off,
And the crowds have gone home,

When the stage has been swept,
And the lighters are put away,
I return to poetry.

I return my words to notebooks,
My voice to the sunrise,
My hands to the flowers.

I do not cry, or stir, or smile.
I let the pedestal fall,
And stand in the ruins.

I look at the rubble,
Wipe the dust from my face,
And return to poetry.