Books I've Read & Places I've Loved: February 2019
Originally published on February 28th, 2019
Hello! I’ve said before that February isn’t really my favorite month of the year, and often I spend the 28 days counting down until March. This year, however, was completely different. I had a wonderful month, but unfortunately I have no books and very few pictures to show for it. Still, with that said, here is a small peek into what my month was like.
BOOKS I’VE READ
Like I mentioned earlier, I did not read anything this month I don’t know if it was because I was so busy, or because I was so happy, or perhaps a combination of the two. Winter quarter has been incredibly busy, and it has been hard to find time to read for fun. I do have a few books I want to dive into, though, so here’s hoping for a book-filled March!
PLACES I’VE LOVED
KCACTF- Eugene, Oregon
As a drama minor, I had the opportunity to go to a theatre festival called KCACTF (Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival). While there, I attended workshops and panels, and spent an entire week learning more about the thing I love so much. I took a lot of workshops on directing and diversity in theatre, and came away with pages and pages and pages of notes. I learned so much, and I hope this wasn’t the last time I get to attend a conference like this.
My time in Oregon was also a wonderful bonding experience for me and friends I haven’t seen much this quarter. Although we are all drama minors, we don’t see each other all the time anymore now that we don’t have an acting class together. We’re all in the winter show festival, but we’re all in different plays so we still manage to miss each other. This week was the perfect chance to catch each other up on how winter quarter has been going, and to offer love and support to each other (which is something we do best!).
As mentioned in the introduction, I had an amazing February, and I am honestly quite sad to see it go. Still, March is looking to be wonderful as well. If this month has not treated you kindly, I hope March turns things around. Here’s to a beautiful beginning of spring (hopefully. There’s still a horrible amount of snow on the ground in Washington)! <3
Detox Tea Talk: February 2019
Originally published on February 17th, 2019
Happy February! It feels like this year is going by so fast. I’ve been doing this little series for a year now, and even though I’ve missed a month here and there, I still enjoy doing a stream of conscienceless blog post every once in a while. Last February, I wrote that the month had always been a bit of a filler. I wrote that I never put much hope in it because nothing exciting usually happened. I wrote that I was craving spontaneity, and I was very ready for March to roll around.
This year, those words could not be further from the truth. March is my favorite month, so of course I’m still excited about it. And I’m also very ready for all the snow to melt and warmer days to return, but the 16 days I’ve spent in February so far have been amazing. Tomorrow morning, I will be in a car with four friends on our way to Oregon for something called KCACTF (Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival) where we will attend workshops and classes and spend an entire week learning more about theatre. When we return, we’ll be thrown into tech week for the winter quarter show, and then February will be over.
As the weeks of winter quarter swiftly pass me by, I find myself wanting to hold onto each day for as long as possible. Last quarter, I mentioned that I wasn’t feeling happy, but I was content. I was going through my classes and my little routines, and I wasn’t necessarily unhappy with it, I just wasn’t excited about life. Ever since returning to Washington after Christmas break, however, my life has been filled with so many beautiful things I almost don’t know what to do with it all. I had a temporary job in a theatre where I met amazing people (and got to sign my name on the wall!). I work with a lot of kids and have multiple circle times. I have play rehearsals, and Thursday dinners, and best friend conferences. I swim, and laugh, and talk every day. I am surrounded by creative, intelligent, and genuinely lovely people and I don’t think I could possibly be happier with my life right now. I wake up excited (and maybe a little tired!), and I go to bed happy (but definitely tired!).
Yes, I do have an off day every once in a while, but overall my mental health has been really good this month. The cloudy days haven’t affected my mood as much as they usually do, and ever since I started to prioritize my mental health everything else has gotten a lot better, too. This month has been a wonderful one, and when I start to think about it ending I definitely feel a little ache in my chest. Once February ends, I’ll go into performances of my play, and then I’ll be thrown into dead week, finals, and then spring break. March is looking like it will be another wonderful month, but once that’s over a happy period of my life will come to an end.
Going into winter quarter, I wasn’t expecting it to be extraordinary. If anything, I was expecting to struggle through some classes, audition for the play before working tech backstage, and spend a lot of time alone. Yeah, not the most optimistic. I’m trying to look ahead to a wonderful spring quarter, but I’m also holding on to the last few weeks of winter quarter. The past six weeks have been the best of college so far, and I would even go so far as to say they have been some of the best of my entire life. So thank you, February, for being a pocket of sunshine in my life. And thank you, dear reader, for sticking around while I’ve been out making memories that will inevitably become stories for you.
~ Claira
Beautiful New Thing
Originally published on February 10th, 2019
The day that I met you, I was only sixteen years old. Full of nerves and wonder, of coffee and uncertainty. You were also only sixteen years old. Full of excitement and knowing. A beautiful new thing.
I met you only two days after writing my first poem. I did not know then that you would inspire so many more. When you shook my hand, you did not know then that the same hand would hold mine less than two months later.
The day I met you, I was only sixteen years old. And what is a sixteen year old girl if not an anxious thing ready to hear what the world has to say?
The day we ended, I was only seventeen years old. My voice shaking as my lips form the shape of a lie. Your face calm and stable. Your eyes green and shallow.
That morning, I caught you looking at me in the amusement park. I did not know then that the upcoming hours would inspire many more poems. I try as hard as I can to not construct you into a metaphor. To leave as you are. Raw and open, not structured into what I think you could be.
The day we ended, I was only seventeen years old. And what is a seventeen year old girl if not an exploding thing ready to burst into the sky? Or to crumble under the weight of the world?
The day we changed, I was only eighteen years old. You were sitting in my grandmother’s kitchen. I had prayed for a sign. Something to show me that my inability to get you out of my head was not for nothing. And there you were, again a beautiful new thing.
The day we changed, I was only eighteen years old. And what is an eighteen year old girl if not a doubtful thing, unsure of what will happen next?
Books I've Read & Places I've Loved: January 2019
Originally published on January 31st, 2019
Welcome to the end of January! This month has been the busiest of my Freshman year so far, and I couldn’t be happier about it. I didn’t read much (the only book I read for fun was read before I came back to Washington), or write very much, and I spent all my time in only a couple of places, but I really loved this month.
BOOKS I’VE READ
The Deal of a Lifetime by Fredrik Backman
Ever since I started college, Fredrik Backman has become one of my favorite authors. Both A Man Called Ove and this one have become some of my favorite books, as well. This is a small novella that took me a day to read. It’s a Christmas story with a twist, and it ends in a way you wouldn’t expect from reading the first page. It’s gripping, thought-provoking, and captivating, and I have a feeling I will return to it for many Christmases to come.
I recommend this book for: Anyone who wants to start reading more and wants a small book to start them on their way.
If this doesn’t appeal to you, try: A longer one of Fredrik Backman’s novels. I still think everyone should read something he’s written, and A Man Called Ove is a great place to start!
PLACES I’VE LOVED
The Little Theatre of Walla Walla
Much of my time this month was spent at a nearby theatre, working with their production of Calendar Girls. Working as a dresser meant having to master the art of the quick change very fast, and that was definitely one of the most challenging parts of the month for me. I spent many hours in the theatre, especially towards the end where the game of “How many twizzlers can Claira eat during tech week?” was played. Working with this theatre has been a really good experience for me so far, and I’m so glad I still have two weekends of shows left.
January was a really good month for me. It started off a little iffy with a lot of changes (and we all know how much I loath change), but by the end it had become a wonderful month. I’m hoping the last 31 days were an indication of what the rest of 2019 will be like, and if it is, I can only imagine the good things this year has in store. I hope January was a good month for all of you, as well. If it wasn’t, here’s to 28 days of a wonderful February.
Detox Tea Talk: January 2019
Originally published on January 24th, 2019
It’s been 2019 for only 24 days, and it already feels like so much has happened. I came back to Washington on the sixth, and had quite the flight back (but that’s a whole post in itself, so…). On my first full day back at school, I wound up moving to a different dorm. Later that week I auditioned for the drama department’s winter production, and got a few callbacks. I went to them and spent the Thursday night staring at my phone waiting for it to ring. Around 9:30 I got a call asking if I would take a part in the production. This began the craziness that has been January.
The next Monday, me and my new roommate got roped into working with a nearby theatre as dressers (I say “roped in” but really I said we’d do it without realizing how busy we both are). This week is tech week, which means we’ve both been going slightly insane for four days straight. It’s be great.
The Tuesday after agreeing to help with the nearby theatre, I got a call from my director saying the guy who had been cast in our two person play had backed out. I then spent the next week trying to find a new actor. Luckily, with the help of my roommate, someone was found. Rehearsals have not started yet, but here’s hoping it will be smooth sailing from here on out.
Since returning to school I have gone to my classes and gotten fairly used to them. I’ve read a lot of books for school and read no books for fun. I’ve run many miles, studied for lines backstage at work, and done my best to stay calm amidst the busyness that has become my year.
So far 2019 has been busy, but so far only a good busy. I’m working with a lot of people and a lot of theatre. I’m studying things I actually love, and I’m laughing more than I did at the end of 2018. I haven’t been writing as much because I’ve been living a little bit more. I’m still not very good at finding the balance between writing and living, because I do tend to live in my head a lot. I hope you’ll accept this haphazard post as a mini life update. I’m happy, I’m laughing, and I’m busy. Life is really, really good right now.
~ Claira
Lately
Originally published on January 13th, 2019
Lately I’ve been thinking that this might be the end of the world.
I’ve heard it so much I can’t ignore it anymore. My mind can only pretend for so long before it starts letting in other people’s imagined fears and calling them my own.
Lately I’ve been thinking about what it would be like to get in a car and drive until I reached the end of whatever line I’m not allowed to cross. Maybe I would discover the cliff where we drop off in an ocean of stars, a galaxy of water where we all sound the same.
Lately I’ve been thinking that we all look the same when we’re afraid. I’ve also been thinking that we look the same when we’re happy, but it seems like we’re not feeling that all that much anymore.
Lately I’ve been thinking that we’re all very much the same. We all want to feel the pull of love and the push of acceptance. We all want the same things. I guess we all just have very different ways of getting there.
Lately I’ve been thinking that if this really is the end of the world, at least we’re all in it together.
365 Things I Was Happy About
Originally published on January 01st, 2019
In August of last year, I bought a book called 14,000 Things to Be Happy About. I started reading this book every so often, and I still go to it on bad days. This book mixed with my own personal philosophy of finding things to be thankful for every day has led to this post. In January of 2018, I started thinking of one thing I was thankful for and then writing it in here. Obviously, there were some days where I found more things to be happy about, but I had to stick to my system, and here is the product of this project:
1. Friends who make you feel good about yourself
2. Lattes
3. Eating Olive Garden pasta while watching Gilmore Girls on the couch
4. Staying up until 2:30 in the morning with your favorite people.
5. Tulips
6. German lasagna
7. Happy people at Starbucks
8. The feeling once a meeting you were dreading comes to an end
9. Green shirts
10. Avocados
11. Voltaire
12. Friends who make sure you're okay when you're stressed out
13. Sleeping in on Saturday mornings
14. River otters
15. Bagels and coffee with good friends.
16. Origami dragons
17. The line "What is life without a touch of poetry in it?" from Pirates of Penzance
18. Friends who give you grace
19. Classes being canceled
20. Homemade lunches after a long week.
21. Black sweaters with floral designs.
22. Listening to The Greatest Showman during Journalism
23. Remembering you packed a good lunch.
24. The people who make your bad day better.
25. The TV show White Collar
26. Staying up until 1:00 in the morning writing after a bad case of writer's block.
27. Randomly buying donuts on your way home.
28. Sunset walks before musical rehearsal.
29. Getting lots of work done before noon.
30. Being complimented on a shirt you weren't sure about.
31. Knowing you're in a better place than you used to be.
32. Quitting the job that you knew was bad for you.
33. Feeling capable.
34. Nature documentaries.
35. Daffodils
36. Sweet smelling sunshine air.
37. Seeing the people you love be happy.
38. Laughing during interviews for Journalism.
39. Helpful therapy sessions.
40. Talking to one of your best friends (who lives five and a half hours away) on the phone.
41. Sleeping in after a long week.
42. Getting coffee and flowers with your best friend.
43. Writing essays while listening to The 1975.
44. Editing articles in Journalism with everyone sitting around one table.
45. Basketball games.
46. Good teachers who listen to you and can offer advice about stuff unrelated to homework.
47. Writing website posts while sitting in the sun.
48. Getting all the cleaning done early in the day.
49. Brunch with your best friend's family.
50. Watching Last Week Tonight
51. Teaching twelve year olds who love to talk.
52. Jean jackets.
53. Walks in crisp, February air.
54. Subtle closure.
55. Edamame.
56. Being really productive all day.
57. Writing a lot of posts in advance.
58. Feeling confident in a meeting.
59. Giving your twelve year old self closure.
60. Going into the day with a positive attitude and having it be better than you'd expected.
61. Days off
62. Playing air hockey and losing, but losing happily
63. Learning dances during musical rehearsal
64. Hangman
65. Seeing what your life could have been like if it had worked how you'd wanted it, but knowing that you're happier now.
67. Haystacks (the food)
68. Flights that have You've Got Mail
69. Seeing people you love for the first time in years
70. Drinking coffee while reading stories to your baby cousins
71. Being referred to as "poet"
72. Doing something that scares you
73. Seeing your mom after being away for a while
74. Being welcomed back
75. Being brave enough to share your story.
76. Singing softly in the car with two of your friends as they drop you off at home.
77. The first morning of Spring Break.
78. Pajama pants with lemons on them.
79. Getting lots of writing done in the morning as soon as you get up.
80. Having your hair in a french braid.
81. Getting up and going for a walk in the brisk morning air.
82. Dennys. (it's an inside joke)
83. Downtown Disney at night
84. Griffith Observatory
85. The feel of your own mattress
86. Getting back into a routine
87. Musical dress rehearsals
88. Dead Poets Society
89. Teachers who are there for you even when they have no reason to be.
90. Opening night of musicals.
91. Floral printed quilts.
92. Watching random netflix movies on a Monday afternoon.
93. Having random days off from school.
94. Talking about your favorite books with your favorite teachers.
95. Having friends who love and support you.
96. Balloons in small spaces
97. The feeling after the curtain closes after an amazing performance
98. Getting your room clean for the first time in a while
99. Finding a new TV show that you like
100. Being appreciated for your poetry by complete strangers
101. Peaches and cream yogurt from Trader Joe's.
102. Substitute teachers
103. When teachers give you extra copies of books they love.
104. Baby geese.
105. Talking to family you don't see very often over Skype.
106. Garlic hummus
107. Being told that your ideas have value.
108. Being given the gift of time.
109. Falling down on your bed after a long day.
110. Knowing that therapy is helping when you notice yourself becoming a stronger person.
111. Spinning in a green, medieval-looking dress.
112. Getting home at 1'AM
113. Finishing all the work you need to do before going to sleep.
114. Smelling the sweet, flower filled air while running through your neighborhood.
115. Listening to music while on a long bus ride.
116. The San Francisco Symphony
117. Kayaking.
118. Pizza on the beach
119. Spending time alone after being with a lot of people for a long amount of time.
120. Getting surprise letters and gifts from your faraway friends in the mail.
121. Using your own bad experiences to help someone else.
122. Starting to move past awkwardness.
123. Silence.
124. Chess.
125. Good lasts.
126. The Imitation Game.
127. Eliminating anxieties over the next school year.
128. John Mulaney's comedy specials on Netflix.
129. Staying up late and talking to your mom.
130. Knowing that you can trust someone's opinion.
131. Working hard to make an event as beautiful as possible, and seeing it come together.
132. Having a break after three weeks of constantly going.
133. Mother's Day.
134. Trying on a dress and loving it right away.
135. Breadsticks.
136. Finishing all the work for a class.
137. Being done with math for the school year two weeks early.
138. Letting yourself do nothing for an afternoon.
139. Getting the chance to express how thankful you are for something.
140. Taking funny selfies with your favorite people.
141. Really good pickles.
142. Being told you were your favorite teacher's favorite student.
143. Good conversations in the sunshine.
144. Getting the chance to have a real break.
145. Face timing with your best friend.
146. Being invited to things, even when you can't go.
147. Meeting someone who recognizes your name from something you've written.
148. Going for a run and smelling the sweet, summer morning air.
149. Funny typos.
150. The wash of relief when everything you were stressing about is finally done and over.
151. Seeing family you haven't seen for over five years.
152. When an entire room of people is connected through one thing.
153. Seeing your friends commit to something they believe in.
154. Your own high school graduation.
155. Breakfast quesadillas.
156. Buying plants and candles and putting them in a freshly cleaned room.
157. Having super short hair for the first time in years.
158. Driving home in comfortable conversation.
159. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
160. Watching a director direct.
161. New music.
162. Pineapples.
163. Summer morning runs.
164. Lentil tahini wraps from Trader Joe's.
165. T-shirts with your University's name on it.
166. Evening conversations with your family.
167. Old treasures.
168. Lavender Lattes
169. Organizing props and costumes.
170. Writing out a memory in the form of a story.
171. Bossypants by Tina Fey.
172. Making new friends.
173. Baby mourning doves.
174. Riding a stationary bike while watching The West Wing.
175. Stickers
176. Swimming with goggles in a pool with lanes.
177. Tech people.
178. Drawing on sharpie tattoos.
179. Confidence.
180. Making plans that make you excited for something you were initially nervous about.
181. Creating your resume.
182. Doing something scary that you know will pay off in the long run.
183. Sunsets.
184. Arrow stickers.
185. Pickles.
186. The song Ooh Child
187. Curling your short hair.
188. Cantaloupe
189. The Newsroom
190. Saving money.
191. Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
192. Salt water pools.
193. Colorful waffles.
194. Sports Night
195. Jean skirts.
196. Candles that smell like moss and thyme.
197. Knowing where a costume piece is and being able to help.
198. Last days.
199. Paninis.
200. Pedicures.
201. The Music Man
202. Breathing in evening Summer air
203. Leaving for a brand new country.
204. Showering after being on a plane for a long time.
205. Climbing the Eiffel tower.
206. Calming walks through art galleries.
207. Train rides.
208. Marseille, France.
209. Markets in the south of France.
210. Finally feeling prepared for a new life chapter.
211. Fruit gummies in airports
212. Arriving back home after over 24 hours of traveling.
213. Helping a friend pack for college while catching up on everything you've missed.
214. Tofu wraps.
215. Getting up early and drinking coffee outside
216. Blueberry dessert.
217. Mary Oliver's poetry
218. Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again
219. Having a super productive day
220. Face masks in the morning
221. National Book Lover's Day
222. Reading before bed.
223. Writing fiction
224. The Weepies
225. End of Summer BBQs with people that you love.
226. Buying new fiction books.
227. Spontaneously meeting a friend for coffee.
228. Writing in a new journal.
229. Passing tests that you've studied hundreds of hours for.
230. Colored pencils.
231. Non-denominational churches.
232. California Pizza Kitchen.
233. Being welcomed back to your high school campus.
234. Writing while watching murder mysteries.
235. Really good instant coffee.
236. Talking to people after spending a few days alone.
237. Ordering stuff for college that makes you feel like an adult.
238. Doing laundry
239. Reading for hours just to finish the story.
240. Getting some of the stuff for college
241. Almonds.
242. Waking up earlier than usual and getting more done in the day.
243. Reading outside while your dog runs around.
244. Hiking near waterfalls.
245. Asiago bagels with jalapeño salsa.
246. FaceTiming friends about your qualms.
247. Using a new body wash.
248. Sweaters with lace.
249. Solving qualms.
250. Kittens.
251. Chocolate milkshakes
252. Starting the process of packing for college.
253. Soul Pancake retweeting something of yours.
254. Miracles.
255. Receiving a job offer.
256. Eating at The Spaghetti Factory.
257. Road trips with your mom.
258. Watching Gilmore Girls with your mom.
259. The beginning of a new chapter.
260. Being able to call your mom after having a bad day.
261. Feeling ready for college after having a couple of bad days.
262. FaceTiming your faraway friends.
263. Reading poetry at the open mic in a small (but very full) coffee shop.
264. Seeing a kind, familiar face when you really need one.
265. Spending the first day of Fall in a coffee shop with a cup of chai.
266. Meeting people who are passionate about the things that you’re passionate about.
267. Starting an acting class.
268. Getting laundry done after it’s been too long (far too long)
269. Being given advice from a credible source.
270. Doing something that’s scary but that you know is good for yourself.
271. Being given what you need exactly when you needed it.
272. Going inside and putting on a warm sweatshirt when it’s cold outside.
273. Doing homework in a coffee shop.
274. The first morning of October.
275. Waking up to the rain.
276. The song So Will I.
277. Feeling like you have something to contribute to a conversation.
278. Taking the long way home because it’s peaceful to walk in cool air after it’s rained.
279. Swing dancing.
280. Studying for hours in a coffee shop.
281. Spending lots of time in the quiet corners of a library.
282. Expanding your family on your own terms.
283. Finding friends in acting class.
284. Granola bars and coffee for breakfast (not super filling, but very delicious).
285. Analyzing literature with a whiteboard in the library.
286. Halloween parties.
287. Spending an entire day preparing for the next week.
288. Laughing a lot during acting class.
289. Spicy chai.
290. Being told to set up a scene and then doing it correctly.
291. FaceTiming for math help.
292. Calling a faraway best friend to wish her a happy birthday.
293. Writing a letter to digest your thoughts on a situation.
294. Spending all day in the library getting work done.
295. Having an interview for something exciting
296. Going to an evening vespers and getting exactly what you needed.
297. Receiving good feedback after a scene performance.
298. Having a meeting go better than you thought it would.
299. Seeing your mom for the first time in over a month.
300. Target.
301. Not having to work on a Sunday for the first time in over a month.
302. My 19th Birthday.
303. Having people who don’t know you personally rush to your defense.
304. Breaking in the neighborhood with an early morning run.
305. Making a new friend and talking for hours on a random Thursday night.
306. Vegan pizza for dinner.
307. Talking to someone for four hours straight.
308. Getting to wear a headset while helping backstage with the play at the last minute.
309. Listening to Pride & Prejudice while at work.
310. Crème Brûlée after a scene rehearsal.
311. Walking around the library at night.
312. Having a feeling that it will be a really good month.
313. Being especially thankful for Friday.
314. Eating vegetables and watching Friends.
315. Working backstage and sitting with new friends during breaks.
316. Performing a scene that took lots of emotional energy.
317. Waking up early to get some extra work done.
318. Being assigned a new scene for acting class.
319. Staying up late studying for exams but feeling better once you’re done.
320. Flying home for Thanksgiving Break.
321. Seeing Grandparents for the first time in two months.
322. Sleeping in on a day you’d normally be working.
323. Finally figuring out what you want your major to be.
324. Becoming by Michelle Obama
325. Friendsgiving
326. Watching A Muppets Christmas Carol
327. Burning candles (when you’ve gone weeks of being unable to).
328. Sabbath naps.
329. Decorating your dorm room for Christmas (!!!)
330. Friends who sympathize with weird problems.
331. Drinking coffee out of a new mug.
332. Affirmation from people you admire.
333. Going to sleep with freshly cleaned sheets.
334. Seeing Arsenic and Old Lace as a play.
335. Getting into a writing flow.
336. Random days off from work.
337. Feeling like people understand what you want to do with your life and why.
338. Changing your major and finally feeling excited about what you’ll be studying.
339. Playing improv games to avoid saying goodbye.
340. Shakespeare being the last poet you read as an English major.
341. Christmas concerts.
342. Walking through falling snow.
243. Random answers to prayer.
244. Rehearsing for a random play.
345. Having an extra day to study for finals.
346. Talking to new people who you can tell will be important to you.
347. Hours of sarcastic, flirty banter.
348. Catching up with people you love.
349. Stroopwafel.
350. Seeing high school friends for the first time since graduation.
351. Long, in-person talks with your mom
352. Revisiting songs you wrote at 15.
353. Candles with wooden wicks.
354. Fredrik Backman novels.
356. Falling asleep with a dog at your feet.
357. Reading a murder mystery.
358. Christmas episodes of Friends.
359. Dinosaur pajamas.
360. Homemade enchiladas.
361. Continuing old traditions.
362. Getting headshots taken.
363. Gingerbread chapstick.
364. Creating new recipes.
365. Drive-in movies with good friends.
Books I've Read & Places I've Loved: December 2018
Originally published on December 31st, 2018
Happy end of 2018! I know I don’t speak for everyone when I say this, but I had a really good time this year. Despite the awful things that happened, so much good in humanity was revealed. On a personal level, I tried many new things and had more successes than I thought were possible. This month in particular I finished my first quarter of college, which while being harder than I originally thought, was a wonderful way for me to fine tune what I want to do with my life. Upon coming home for the holidays, I was able to read a book and go to a few nice places (not all of which are pictured here due to a lack of pictures… haha).
BOOKS I’VE READ
Manuscript for Murder by Jon Land (or Jessica Fletcher ;-))
This book was certainly interesting to read. I love Murder, She Wrote, and I love mysteries in general, so when I saw this in a bookstore I figured it would the perfect easy read for after finals. It was, and while it wasn’t what I thought it would be like, I’m glad I had it. The mystery is interesting, the ending isn’t super predictable, and there’s Jessica Fletcher. Parts a little cringy, but overall I had a good time reading it. If you want something easy to read with familiar characters, I’d pick this up.
I recommend this book for: Fans of Murder, She Wrote who aren’t opposed to fan fiction and who need something fairly mindless to read.
I’d skip this one if: You don’t like Murder, She Wrote, or you do but you don’t want the slightly cringy moments that inevitably arrive when a different author tries to capture well-loved characters.
PLACES I’VE LOVED
Mendocino, CA
Yup, I went back! I’ve gone to Mendocino once a year since 2015, and the last three times have been with my mom. Originally we were trying to go over the summer, but when that didn’t happen we knew that in order to keep our tradition we’d have to squeeze it in during one of my trips home from college. Since I was only home for a week, it didn’t happen over Thanksgiving, so we managed to fit it in during the last few days of the year. Our tradition is still going strong! I loved returning to Mendocino, even though it was super windy. My mom and I walked through the town, said hello to Jessica Fletcher’s house (see book above), and ate lunch at one of the best places I’ve eaten in a while (the gluten-free bread was fantastic). Returning to Mendocino is always a little bit nostalgic for me, and since I’m already feeling extra nostalgic at the end of the year, this was the perfect time for us to return.
This December marks the second full year of being recapping my month in this format. I recently went back to Books I’ve Read & Places I’ve Loved: December 2016, and I was once again greeted with how much can change in two years. What I’ve come to learn, especially in the last year, is that nothing truly great comes from your comfort zone. In 2019 I am challenging myself to leave beyond my comfort zone, even if it’s just a inch further. I have a lot going on in January, and some of it is pretty scary. But hopefully, as long as I stay that inch beyond, I’ll run into February with some new stories to tell.
In this new year, I hope all of you do what is best for you. I hope you remember that you know yourself. I hope you breathe, and sing, and run, and dance, and laugh. I hope you remember the good things and put more good out there into a world that so desperately needs it. I hope this last day of 2018 is everything you hope it will be, and here’s to 2019- may it be a year we look back on with happiness.
Dear 2018
Originally published on December 27th, 2018
Dear January,
January, what can I say. You were many things- travel, lack of travel. Books, lack of books. Music, and silence. You had a couple good weeks and two very terrible ones. With you there was death, cold water, and spirals of anxiety. But there was also the beginning of musical rehearsals, and good books, and some really good laughter with really good people. I suppose I needed you to begin, but, January, I'm not sure I liked you all that much. Yes, you brought some good. But there were more tears shed than were necessary. You did, however, bring with you moments of practiced confidence and healthy confrontation, and for that I am thankful. Until we meet again,
~ Claira
Dear February,
Oh February. You've always been a bit of a filler, but this year you were the good kind. Not much happened, but the things that did happen were good. Birthdays, basketball games, and flowers. I didn't love you, February, but I didn't dislike you, either. I was slightly bored, took only a few pictures, and watched Queer Eye about three times, but overall the 28 days were okay. See you next year,
~ Claira
Dear March,
March, I love you. You pushed my fears further than I may have wanted, but those memories will stay with me for a long time. With you I climbed to the top of St. Paul's Cathedral, told my story in front of my school, and went to LA and sat in front of the star wall at the Griffith Observatory. I bonded with my cousins, laughed on car rides with my mom, and wrote good pieces that I'm proud of. Pirates of Penzance had it's opening night, and I was genuinely consistently happy for the first time in a while. I'll miss you,
~ Claira
Dear April,
Dearest April, I don't even know where to begin. Birthdays, three performances of the musical, poetry, and lots of laughter. You were exactly what I needed when I needed it. You let me live a little easier, work hard, and face my fears. You gave me space to breath, and that is something I needed. From the musical performances to the music tour, I'm very thankful for all the music you brought with you. Thank you for four weeks of calming chaos,
~ Claira
Dear May,
May, I loved you and hated you. You brought mountains of stress and anxiety, but some really good things happened at the same time and I'm still trying to understand that. You started with a screaming robot baby and ended with finals, and I'd say that's a pretty good way to describe you overall. In your four weeks, I set up my final school vespers as the Religious Vice President, had my last banquet as a high schooler, and spent hours trying to finish my online math class. I spoke in front of a church and tried to express how much I love my school in the span of 5 minutes, and got to see my old high school class graduate. May, you were a good closing chapter to my high school experience, and I'm glad I had you. Until next time,
~ Claira
Dear June,
A calm month, you were what I so desperately needed. June, you brought welcome changes and some scary prospects. I cut my hair shorter than it's been for nine years, and I started my trek into The Great Unknown in terms of the career I want so badly. Mornings were spent reading and taking care of new plants, afternoons were for my internship at the theatre, and evenings and nights were spent watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and season two of Queer Eye. You were a welcome reminder that sometimes I need solitude, and yet you still gave me moments to reach out to those around me. I can't wait to see where I'll be next time we meet,
~ Claira
Dear July,
July, I don't even know where to begin! You started off awfully slow, but ended up being a month where quieter dreamers were realized. I traveled to France (and Luxembourg!), closed the chapter on my first book (though it may be a while before the world sees it, if it ever does), and finally started to feel ready for the next chapter of my life to begin. Thank you for good days of travel and sun, of bravery and opportunities. I can tell this is a July that will be compared to other Julys...
~ Claira
Dear August,
This dear month is one where I regained motivation for this website, read a few short books to add to my list, and tried to soak up as much of Sacramento as possible before leaving for Washington. I said goodbye to friends as they left for college, and tried to push myself to be as social as possible. I went to church for the first time in forever, and had some epiphanies along the way. I got my drivers permit and housesat for my grandparents, and just had a really good month. August, I think I really will miss you. Thank you for these weeks,
~ Claira
Dear September,
Oh September, September... This month was certainly one for the books. Two weeks of slight crazy with packing for college and waves of nostalgia, and then two more weeks of major crazy as I unpacked in a dorm room, went through orientation, and tried to adjust to the whole "I'm a college student" thing. I went back to days of tests and quizzes and nights of studying for said tests and quizzes. I was once again greeted with my love for acting and theatre and have been reminded time and time again of why I want to do what I want to do. Thank you, September. This time next year will be completely new again, but I can’t wait to see what it will be like,
~ Claira
Dear October,
With you I entered my final year of teenage-dom, and I'm finally starting to see that as a good thing. With you my days were spent in coffee shops writing blog posts and in the library analyzing Chaucer and Shakespeare. My nights were filled with music and swing dancing, and I started to form lasting friendships. October, you gave me a bigger family in more ways than one. You gave me opportunities to practice productivity without motivation, and you gave me the chance to look ahead to the exciting things my future has in store. 19 is looking good, October, and I am so excited to see what comes next,
~ Claira
Dear November,
These 30 days were some of the craziest of college life so far. I continued to deal with the aftermath of going semi-Adventist-viral. I helped with the drama department’s production of You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown. I practiced for an emotional scene performance during two of the most stressful weeks of college I’ve had. My social circle expanded and I stopped spending all my time on campus (it gets old after a while). November, you were full of theatre and laughter. You brought me home for a little bit and brought me back to school for one more week of normalcy before finals hit. Thank you for being a month of good change,
~ Claira
Dear December,
Goodness gracious, December, you were a million things in one. There were finals to be studied for and lines to be memorized, and I finally changed my major to something I really love. There were late night drives to get milkshakes and game nights with so much laughter. I completed my last math class and survived the end of Fall Quarter. Upon returning home for Christmas Break I was finally able to catch-up with friends from high school who I hadn’t seen since graduation. I spent some much needed time with my family and ate Christmas cookies and watched Hallmark movies. December, thank you for simultaneously reminding me how to get through the hard stuff and yet showing me all the good in the world. Thank you for being a wonderful closing chapter,
~ Claira
Dear 2018,
2018, I don’t even know where to begin with you. I came into this year knowing it had to be different than 2017. It had to be happier and it had to have more good memories attached than bad. 2018, you exceeded my expectations. I wrote and performed poetry. I worked in a theatre and with a drama department. I traveled and cut my hair. I earned my drivers permit after a year and half of work. I started college and somehow managed to finish the first quarter. I ran and biked so many miles I’ve lost count. I took care of myself and learned how to maintain my own happiness while trying to help others find theirs. I told my story. I wrote my heart. I put my soul into my work. 2018, you were such a beautiful twelve months and I am going to miss you horribly. Thank you so, so much,
~ Claira
Why I Changed My Major
Originally published on December 23rd, 2018
I was happy as an English major for about two weeks, and one of those weeks was orientation. After the first week of classes I found myself feeling very bogged down by all the reading and writing. I knew it wasn’t just the regular exhaustion that comes from reading textbooks and writing essays because I was enjoying my other classes. After I posted my piece called Why I Chose the Major (and minor!) That I Did, I found myself questioning my reasons for hanging on to the English department, but my worries started a couple of weeks before that. Hold on friends, because this is going to be a long one.
During the third week, I was in my acting class when I had the (somewhat obvious) realization that I didn’t want to study anything other than drama. I was again greeted with my frustration at the lack of a theatre degree being offered at my university, and thought about switching to Film & Television. After class I went to talk to my teacher about whether or not he felt me getting a degree in English would be worthwhile. Having been an English major himself, he said he thought it would be beneficial, but I should probably look into adding a business major as well or a business minor. I thought about it, and the next week went to my advisor to tell her I wanted to switch. She suggested I speak with the business department and then said she also thought sticking with the English degree would be a good idea since I’d gain knowledge in analyzing plays. I spent the next couple of weeks trying to schedule a meeting with the business department while still writing literary analysis essays and reading Chaucer.
I ended up being unable to meet with the business department due to too many miscommunications and confusing emails. I put my plans to change my major on hold, and heeded my mother’s advice to remember that I was only in my first quarter of college and had plenty of time. I continued through the quarter, hating my major all the way. I wasn’t excited about what I was studying, and I found myself dreading going to my classes and reading the assignments. I know (and knew then) that no matter what I study there will be moments where I simply do not want to do the work or go to the class, but I also know (and knew then) that I was miserable. I watched the people in my English classes excitedly discussing the works we were reading. They were all contributing to the conversations and I couldn’t think of a single thing to add. They were all coming into class with smiles on their faces and staying back at the end to talk with the professor some more. I, on the other hand, watched the clock the whole time and couldn’t wait to leave.
In the end, there were two main moments where I knew I needed to switch my major for my own peace of mind. The first came over Thanksgiving break when I turned in an essay for my College Writing class. I didn’t receive a grade I was proud of, and was especially hurt because I had been so proud of the essay. I had worked hard on it, and didn’t know what else to do to make it better. I sat on the couch and cried about how angry with myself I was, and how all I wanted was to be out of the English department. It was a moment where I truly did not care about writing, and I had never felt that way before. The second, and bigger, moment came the week after Thanksgiving. I was trying to finish my final paper for my Survey of British and American literature class, and, while on the phone with my mom, realized that I didn’t care about Shakespeare. Okay, I did care about Shakespeare, I just didn’t want to write about him anymore. In high school, I loved talking about, reading about, and writing about Shakespeare. I used to read his plays and memorize his sonnets just for fun. But, seemingly all of a sudden, that love was gone. I simply did not care about Shakespeare the same way I used to. I was not excited about what I was studying, and I wanted out.
Before going into what my new major is and why, let’s quickly go through the list of majors I considered before: Film & Television, Business, Journalism, Communications, and Sociology. After crying on the couch to my mom about how much I disliked being and English major, I pulled up my school’s website and went through the list of majors they offered. I settled on Sociology, and a couple weeks after returning to school walked into the building for the School of Social Work & Sociology, and asked if I could speak with someone from the Sociology department. I loved the idea of studying sociology because I’ve always wanted to use theatre to help people and to better society, and figured what better way to prepare for that than to study society? I was given a business card and sent off in the right direction before walking into the office and talking with a Sociology professor for a few minutes. During our conversation, he was really selling the research aspect and also the connection Sociology has to English. He also suggested I add an English minor, which was just the opposite of what I wanted to hear. So, after the five minute meeting concluded I promptly went back to the main office and, without really thinking about why, asked if I could meet with someone from the Social Work department.
I was immediately led down a hallway and into the office where I spent half an hour meeting with the head of the department. As I talked with the professor, I felt myself growing more and more excited about my future at my school. We talked about my drama minor and how Social Work would help me accomplish my goals. Later that day, in my acting class, I was talking with a girl who happened to be a Social Work major. My teacher overheard and asked if I was thinking of switching from English, and I said I was. He asked if I had ever heard of drama therapy, and that question is how I came to write this blog post. Put simply, drama therapy is the intentional use of theatre to help people actively and externally process their emotions, often through the use of exercises and improvisation. I spent that night researching drama therapy and realized that it is everything I have been saying I want to do without knowing there was an actual term for it. The next morning I went to the records office and officially changed my major from English to Social Work.
The new plan is to get my BSW and then go to graduate school to work towards my masters and certification in Drama Therapy. When I go back to school in January I will also be adding another minor in Psychology because every grad program requires me to have a little background in psychology. I still plan to open my own theatre where I will act, teach, and direct, but the idea of drama therapy feels right to me. I am extremely excited to head back to school and get to work on this degree, and I am even more excited to learn more about drama therapy and to eventually become a drama therapist.
Part of me was sad to leave the English major behind. I had spent so many years gearing up for it that I never stopped to consider the idea of me not even enjoying it. I didn’t like the idea of giving up something my younger self was so excited for, until I realized that my younger self always wanted my current self to be happy and being an English major wasn’t going to make that happen. I am so happy with my change of major. I am excited to learn more about what I know and learn answers to questions I don’t even know I have. But even more so, I am really looking forward to continue waking up excited.
Detox Tea Talk: December 2018
Originally published on December 16th, 2018
When you read this I will be on Christmas Break, the stress of finals and the end of Fall Quarter fully behind me. I will be three days deep in candy canes, Christmas lights, and countless covers of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Unfortunately for me, as of writing this I am two weeks deep in study sheets, essay drafts, and dried up highlighters due to all my note taking. Nevertheless, I am trying my best to keep the Christmas spirit alive. Part of that includes loads of reflection, especially on my college experience thus far.
Earlier this month I went to church for the first time in a little while. As we were singing I was reminded of my first couple of weeks here. Everywhere I went I was bombarded with new things I didn’t yet understand. A new state with new weather, new people with new stories, and new classes and new teachers with new expectations. Still, no matter how overwhelmed I felt I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was supposed to be here. On that first weekend, when my mom and I walked around the campus for the first time (because the first time I saw my university was when I arrived to unpack), she stopped and said that I was supposed to be here and it would be a good place for me. I believed her, and over the course of Fall Quarter those words continued to ring loudly in my ears.
As the quarter progressed, a lot of things happened that made me wonder if maybe this or that was the reason I was supposed to be here. Maybe I was meant to meet a particular person, or maybe I needed a certain class or teacher to help me grow in ways I wouldn’t be able to otherwise. Perhaps I got the job I had because I needed to learn… something. Or even still maybe I needed to be here so I could see how good another school would be if I switched. Of all these ideas, I tended to latch onto the people the most. One person in particular made me wonder if perhaps I needed to be here simply so I could meet him.
On this blog I have never explicitly talked about the more, for lack of a better word, romantic side of my life, and I don’t plan to now. That’s what my poetry is for. But the month of November was certainly an… interesting one for me. I was getting to know someone and things seemed to be going well. We talked a lot, and I was really happy. Unfortunately, with that came me wondering if I was here simply so this could happen.
Boy oh boy was I wrong.
To make a short story even shorter, I am not here simply so that could happen. What I have come to realize is there is not going to be a single reason why I am supposed to be here. Maybe I did need to meet that person, but maybe I also need my acting class. Maybe I need my job, but maybe I also need my Saturday evenings of swing dancing. There is not a doubt in my mind that I am where I am supposed to be. I may not know exactly why that is quite yet, but I know it’s true,
~ Claira
“There’s no where you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.” ~ John Lennon
What Coming Home for Thanksgiving Was Like
Originally published on December 02nd, 2018
On November 16th I packed a backpack and a duffel bag and climbed into the passenger seat of my friend Jamie’s car. We picked up another student and drove to the small airport (with two gates). We checked in, went through security (I got an extra screening, because of course I did), and waited to board our flight. Jamie and I couldn’t fit our carryon bags on the plane so we had to get them gate checked. We flew up to Seattle, managed to get our bags back, and then went to our separate gates- her next plane headed for San Francisco, and mine headed for Sacramento.
I landed in California around 11:00 at night, and finally got to see my brother for the first time in two months. My mom drove us back home where my passive aggressive puppy wasn’t impressed with my return. I talked with my brother, unpacked a bag in my own room, and went to sleep around 1:30 in the morning. When I woke up, I poured myself some coffee, lit a candle for the first time in what had felt like forever, and talked to my mom a little bit. We went to my grandparent’s house for Sabbath lunch, and it was so good to see them.
Coming home for Thanksgiving Break had really good moments. Seeing my family, sleeping in my own room, and not wearing shoes in the shower were some of my favorite things. I spent a whole day with my grandparents, used my exercise bike while watching Thanksgiving episodes of West Wing, and ate food at a dining room table instead of from a cafeteria to-go box. I had a “Friendsgiving” where I spent time with people I hadn’t really talked to in over a year, and also got to catch up with one of my best friends who is still in high school. I watched A Muppet’s Christmas Carol with my family, played card games with my mom and brother, and got to spend some time by myself in a familiar environment. Thanksgiving Break was exactly what my soul needed.
Coming home for Thanksgiving Break also had some weird moments. My first night back had me feeling like I was walking through memories. I knew where everything was, and I quickly fell back into old routines, but it all felt familiar in an old kind of way. Whenever I left my room I found myself checking to make sure I had my student ID so I could get back in (as a matter of fact, I completely blanked and accidentally left my house key back in Washington). There were things I’d missed, like my grandparents getting a new kitchen table and my mom getting their old one. I took my pillows to school with me so while at home I had to borrow one, as well as taking the living room throw blanket because all my warm bedding is also back in Washington. I went to Target on the first Saturday night to get small bottles of shampoo and conditioner to keep at home for breaks, and refused to let my mom pay for it so I could still feel independent.
I needed to come home. I needed the break from getting up early and staying up late to study, and I needed to spend quality time with my family. But I quickly realized that college has been good for me. Yes, there have been times where I have felt very stressed and I did have a full on breakdown the week before going home for break, but it’s still good for me. I like being around my friends all the time. I like having the option of going to get crème brûlée at 8:00 at night and getting up at 6:30 to go see a balloon stampede, both just because. School has started to feel like home- in fact, I caught myself saying “back at home” more than a couple of times, and it felt strange. I like feeling independent, even if I do still need help more than I’d like. I’m happy in Washington, with my dorm space and little social circle. I’m happy that Fall quarter is almost over, and I’m happy with the direction I’m headed in. But even with all these happy things, I’m still happy to be going home for Christmas in a few weeks. More time with my family is still greatly needed, but hopefully this time my dog will be a little less passive aggressive…
Books I've Read & Places I've Loved: November 2018
Originally published on November 29th, 2018
Like July, November was a month where I accidentally took a break from writing. I say accidentally because I got to the end of the month and realized that I had barely posted anything, and when things were posted, I forgot to share them like I usually do. This month was one of many ups and downs. I had my first college breakdown (my writing teacher had said that if it didn’t happen during weeks 3-5, we should all expect one before Thanksgiving. He was right), had a mini crisis when it came to this blog, and tried my hardest to expand my social circle while still staying on top of everything else. November was a little crazy, but it was also really good.
BOOKS I’VE READ
This Is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel
I think it’s official- I will read anything recommended to me by my cousin. I should always keep in mind that anything recommended by her will result in me crying, but that’s neither here nor there. This book is spectacular. It revolves around a family of seven, with four boys and a child who was born a boy but discovers she’s actually a girl. This book goes in directions you don’t expect, and this book makes you think about how not even the black and white is black and white.
I recommend this book for: Fans of Celeste Ng (author of Everything I Never Told You and Little Fires Everywhere). The writing is very similar, and Frankel has the ability to wrap readers in the lives of the characters and make them feel like they are part of the story.
If this book seems like a little too much right now, try: Everything I Never Told You (Celeste Ng). Like I said, the writing is similar and the story is still deep, but in a different way that may seem more approachable.
PLACES I’VE LOVED
The Drama Department’s Fall Show - You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown
I wasn’t expecting to get involved with the the drama department so quickly, but when a friend called to ask if I could help with house management, I jumped at the chance and said yes. This month I spent hours in a headset doing my best to keep up with unfamiliar- yet still extremely familiar- territory. I loved helping backstage, and it reminded me of how much I love tech people and being involved with a production in any way possible.
Sacramento, CA
I realized towards the end of Thanksgiving Break that I hadn’t taken any pictures of my time back home, so here’s the picture I took in the Walla Walla airport to show how small it is. Going home for a week was exactly what my tired soul needed. It was so nice to burn candles, eat home cooked food, and play music without using headphones. I got to play card games and watch movies with my family, and I got to spend a day with friends I hadn’t really spent time with in over a year. I have a whole post going up next week about what it can be like to go home when you’ve been on your own for a couple months, but the main thing to take away is that I was really happy to go home, even for a short while.
November was a month of inner turmoil. I had that breakdown, started the process of changing my major and adding another minor (more on these later), and spent most of my time trying to figure out how to be a little happier with my circumstances. But I also took time to remember how blessed I am. I go to a good school and I am lucky enough to be surrounded by good people doing good things. This month may have been a little strange, but I’m still very happy to be where I am, even when it isn’t perfect.
Something
Originally published on November 11th, 2018
Something about the trees,
How they flicker in the wind like ballerinas,
Reminds me of music.
The rhythm and rhyme the world has.
Something about the grass,
How it waves like smiling children as I walk past,
Reminds me of joy.
The peaceful happiness of sunlight.
Something about the clouds,
How they hang overhead with a looming presence,
Reminds me of change.
The differences that come with each new season.
The Size of God
Originally published on November 04th, 2018
I have a friend who once tried to measure the size of God. His mathematical and logical nature made it hard to explain how he did it to my brain that is constantly filled with lines from poetry and song lyrics instead of formulas, but he tried. From what I could gather, it had to do with stars and the distance between planets.
I think.
Either way, I find the concept really cool. Personally, I'm definietly more of the type that's okay noticing something cool and being okay with just looking at it instead of disecting it to find out more, but I still found this facinating. We were lab partners in Chemistry at the beginning of my Junior year of high school, and would spend a few chemistry experiments going back and forth between recording observations and discussing beliefs and ideas.
Towards the end of that school year, I ran for Religious Vice President for my school's SA. The thought of running for anything had been running around in my head for a few months, but originally I'd planned on running for something smaller, like one of the positions for Officer at Large. I only decided to run for RVP about a week before the election after learning that the current RVP wasn't planning to run again. To make a short story even shorter, I ran unopposed, still took it very seriously, and I was the RVP for my school's SA during the 2017-2018 school year.
The night of my Junior/Senior banquet, after much of the excitement had died down and I was sitting in a chair clutching about five candles, I got to talking with the past RVP, who ended up being one of my best friends and is now my college roommate (hi, Annaliese). We talked about a few things, from our mutual interest in blogs to our differences in candle preferences. At one point we got to talking about being the Religious Vice, and how we had both run unopposed, and at the same time we both said something like "it's weird that no one else wants to be the RVP." Neither of us could think of a definite answer as to why this is the case, but we both figured it had to do with no one wanting to seem "too religious."
If that is the reason, I completely understand. I opened my speech by saying that even though my dad is a pastor, I didn't want that mixed with the fact I was running for RVP make me seem like some sort of religious nut. For the entirety of high school, I had been really self conscious about my spirituality and how I wanted others to perceive me when it came to God, religion, etc. The idea that someone would not want to run for a position with the word "religious" in the title for fear they would be deemed too religious didn't surprise me. Over the years I'd stopped thinking of myself as religious and more as a spiritual person, so holding the title of RVP felt a little odd.
I tell you both of these stories because I've been thinking lately about the different ways people go about their religious/spiritual sides of life. My friend I mentioned earlier is definitely logical, and maybe he connects with God through science. Other people I know connect with God through music or nature, and some really do find him in church and with sermons. We all measure the size of God in different ways, and that's a good thing. I may not have a desire to measure the actual size of God, but I know that he is big enough to be found in lots of different ways. We don't have to be super religious to find God, because I don't think he needs us to be something we simply aren't. I believe that all we need to do is find a way that works for us and be willing for that way to evolve over time if it does. God is more than big enough for us to find him however we need to.
The Teenage Years
Originally published on November 01st, 2018
I turned nineteen on Monday, which means I only one year left of being a teenager. I'm not upset about that fact, since the teenage years have been quite a rollercoaster, but this realization has still put me in a very reflective mood (as most things do). With that in mind, I've summarized ages 13-18, and if you're interested, just keep reading.
Thirteen Years Old
My first year of teenage-dom was... interesting to say the least. I was in seventh grade, and was in a school that wasn’t necessarily the best for me. Sixth grade was when my perfectionism started to affect my school work, and seventh grade was no different. I had a backpack that was filled to the brim with books, and during lunch I could often be found sitting in the locker room studying for afternoon tests and quizzes. For our spring concert, we did an abridged version of Les Mis, in which I sang a solo for I Dreamed a Dream, which still remains one of the coolest singing experiences I’ve had even though it was almost six years ago. The summer of being thirteen found me at Camp Wawona, where I spent many summers growing up. This was actually the last time I would go, and it was one of the best experiences I had there, complete with spending the last night on the outdoor stage in sleeping bags watching shooting stars.
Fourteen Years Old
When I was fourteen years old, I was three things- a swimmer, an insane perfectionist (yeah, I was worse five years ago), and a writer. I went swimming on Mondays and Wednesdays, wrote lots of short stories, and took lots of selfies in an attempt to improve my smile. I took guitar lessons for a little while, tried running and hated it, and went on my 8th grade class trip (which, honestly, should be an entire post in itself). I spent days at the beach, went hiking sometimes, and once a month visited my dad. I graduated 8th grade (haha, a funny sentence), and then went to Camp Meeting with my dad and met some new people. Once I got back, my mom, brother, grandparents, pets, and I moved to the Bay Area.
Fifteen Years Old
At fifteen, I had officially moved from the only place I really remembered living, and I was in my Freshman year of high school. I remember studying intensely for a test on Romeo and Juliet, and I remember being very proud of the grade I received. I started to form really good friendships, and would occasionally go on runs with my mom (spoiler: running was still not one of my favorite things). I spent early school mornings reading in the cafeteria before starting my classes, and listened to a lot of Sara Bareilles. That summer, I spent a couple weeks in England, Wales, and Scotland and met two of my little cousins for the first time. I returned to California and spent the rest of being 15 reading books, writing stories, and preparing for my second year of high school.
Sixteen Years Old
At sixteen, most of my time was spent writing songs in my bedroom. I assumed I was the only one who could hear them, but alas bedroom walls are thin, and now I’m pretty sure my grandparents heard every word. This was the year my dad had an odd habit of adopting every animal that came to his doorstep, and the dog pictured above was my favorite. He stayed around for a while before he ran off again, and I like to think he found a nice home. During finals week, I’d walk into downtown Mountain View, CA with some of my friends and we’d meet for bagels or coffee and quiz each other (for a little fun fact, I got an A- on my Biology final second semester). I took classes that I loved, especially my World History class. The summer after my Sophomore year, we all moved again. I started at a new school, and a few weeks before my seventeenth birthday this website went live.
Seventeen Years Old
By my seventeenth birthday, I was starting to find a place at my new school, and I already hated chemistry. I took two English classes, wrote lots and lots of essays, and started to form new friendships that have affected my life deeply. I also took six Kung Fu lessons, which is something I forget about sometimes. For me, seventeen was the year for learning more about myself, what is really means to be a friend, and how important it is to have good communication with the people around you. That year, I met some incredible people, most of whom I stayed friends with and really miss now that I’ve moved away.
Eighteen Years Old
I know, I know, this was really only three days ago, but the beginning of being eighteen feels like forever ago. Being eighteen was actually really wonderful. I may have had some months of serious anxiety, but I still had a really great time overall. I was taking great classes, I was writing a lot of poetry, and I had an excellent summer where I cut my hair, worked in a theatre, went to France, and got my driving permit. My dad got married, I traveled a lot, and I tried to force myself out of my comfort zone more than usual (so, maybe three times). Eighteen was a really good year for me, and while I was pretty sad to leave it behind, I’m thankful for all the things that happened in those twelve months.
Nineteen Years Old?
(a picture of me and my mom on my birthday because I don’t have any pictures of just me yet)
Now what? I live in Washington, I'm a Freshman in college, and I spend most of my time preparing for my acting class, meeting new people, and making plans for what the rest of this year will be. Eighteen was a great year in itself, but lots of the things I did were in preparation for what I want nineteen to be. I have a lot of really cool things in the works (most of which I’ll be talking about soon), and I’m really excited for the next twelve months!
So, would I go back? I've been thinking about this a lot, actually, and I've settled on a definite maybe. There were parts of my teenage years that I loved, and there are some moments that I would really like to relive, but so far I'm really liking college and getting a taste of what being independent is like. The jump from eighteen to nineteen didn’t seem too big, but the jump from nineteen to twenty feels like it’ll be huge. I have a whole year to get there, though, and I have a feeling it won’t feel as crazy once I’m there. The teenage years have been a rollercoaster, and while I’m glad to not be leaving them behind quite yet, I’m excited for what the future has in store.
Books I've Read & Places I've Loved: October 2018
Originally published on October 28th, 2018
Before we get to this month’s summary, I feel the need to let you know that tomorrow is my 19th birthday and I’m really excited about it. In other news, this was a really good month for me. I continued the process of adjusting to college and have settled into new routines. I picked up some new hobbies (swing dancing is one of my new favorite things), and still had time to read some new books and go to a couple of new places.
BOOKS I’VE READ
Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton
Last month, during the week of the Kavenough hearings, I posted something on my Instagram story about believing survivors. My cousin saw it and mentioned that I’d probably like this book. I bought the audiobook right away, and I listened to it everyday for a week while working. This book made me think about my own childhood, and maybe even gave me an insight into what some of the people around me were thinking and going through ten years ago.
I’d recommend this for: Fans of Brené Brown. Even though both women have their own distinct voice and they don’t talk about the same ideas, there is something that feels familiar.
I wouldn’t recommend this for: People who aren’t in the right place in their lives to listen to someone else’s vulnerability and see if any of it is applicable to them. And that’s okay! This book is pretty darn honest, and if you can’t appreciate it I’d wait a little bit. I also wouldn’t recommend this if topics like alcohol, infidelity, or eating disorders are triggering for you.
Daring Greatly by Brené Brown
My mom has been talking about this book for forever, and when I was a Freshman in high school she used to read me parts of it when I’d be having a particularly bad day. After reading Love Warrior, I decided to give this one a try for myself. Whenever my mom would read me sections, they were always about perfectionists and perfectionism (shocking, I know). Because of this, I expected the majority of the book to also be like this, but boy oh boy was I wrong. Apparently, most of the book is about shame, and this became a book I didn’t know I needed.
I’d recommend this for: Anyone who, like me, needs a book about how shame affects our daily lives and how we can overcome it.
I wouldn’t recommend this for: People who aren’t fans of Brené Brown. I still think everyone should read this book, but if you don’t like the author then you won’t be able to hear what she has to say.
A Man Called Ove by Fredrick Backman
I have become the girl who really only reads books recommended to her by her mother and her cousin, and I am very much okay with that. My cousin sent me this book as a graduation gift, and for whatever reason I kept putting it to the side to read something else. I am so, so, so glad I finally picked it up. When I started it, I wasn’t so sure since it seemed pretty slow, but it quickly picked up speed. Every chapter brings you deeper into the minds of the main character, and every chapter brings you deeper into the world of the other characters. This book made me cry (and when you’re cleaning bathrooms that’s not helpful). This book made me understand a lot of things a little bit more. This is definitely one of my favorite books that I read this year, and I’m happy it’s the last book I read while being eighteen.
I’d recommend this for: Everyone. E-v-e-r-y-o-n-e.
I wouldn’t recommend this for: See above.
PLACES I’VE LOVED
The Barn Party (Adventist Halloween party)
One of things I’ve always found humorous about SDA culture is the universal agreement that if a gathering of more than, hmm, fifteen people should occur in the month of October it must be called a “Barn Party” (barn optional). This particular barn party was held in the middle of October, and I almost didn’t go. I was snuggled up in my bed when Annaliese asked me if she could draw some whiskers on my face with eyeliner. I rolled my eyes, but it was actually a really good night.
Howard Tietan Park
One Friday morning, I got up at 6:30 to go watch a hot air balloon stampede with my roommate and another friend from high school who also ended up in college with me. It was very cold, very colorful, and very fun. I’ve always wanted to go see hot air balloons, and I have on more than one occasion googled flights to Albuquerque to see the giant hot air balloon festival in New Mexico. I’d still love to do that someday, but this stampede, with these people, in that park was one of the best ways I’ve spent an early morning.
A Little Hotel Near My School/Downtown Walla Walla
As I’ve mentioned before, Family Weekend happened to fall the weekend before my birthday. My momma came up for the weekend (and is also staying for tomorrow too! Yay!!), and I left school for a few days to stay in a hotel with her. We ordered food and watched Gilmore Girls and I was able to fully relax for the first time since leaving home. It was the perfect way for me to spend my last weekend of being eighteen, and I’m really going to miss her when she goes back home tomorrow.
This month was a beautiful one. It was really weird not being around my family all the time, and at times the lack of familiar faces was overwhelming. But there were so many mornings where I woke up happy, and there were many, many nights where I went to bed smiling. I’m so thankful to be in this place, with all these new people, doing all these new things. This month felt like a really good start for the rest of 2018 and the rest of the school year. I hope all of you had a good October as well. If not, here’s to a wonderful November.
18 Things I Learned While Being 18
Originally published on October 25th, 2018
My 19th birthday is in only four days, which means I have one year left of being a teenager (yikes). It also means that it's time again for me to go through everything I've learned in the last year. This has become a yearly tradition of mine, and I'm quite excited about this year's edition. So, without further ado, here are (some of) the things I learned while being 18:
1. I'm horribly insecure... but I'm working on it.
I am, by far, the most insecure person that I know. Back in January, when I got my senior pictures taken, I was terrified because I was convinced the pictures would turn out horribly and I'd hate them forever. But I was wrong, the pictures turned out great, and I still love them now. I'm still insecure, but I'm working on not letting that keep me from doing things I want to do. I read a poem I wrote out loud at my Grandparent's 50th Anniversary party in England, and then I participated in a poetry open mic the next month even though I'm always worried about what people will think of my poetry. I did an internship in a theatre even though I didn't know anyone. I forced myself to talk to new people when college started. I’ve done a few interviews for things that I don’t want to talk about yet but that are pretty exciting. I’ve forced myself out of my comfort zone in an attempt to combat all the insecurity. It’s all hard, but I think it’s working.
2. Don't do what you think people want you to do just because you think they want you to do it.
In other words, don't do something because you think it's what everyone else wants. When I was on SA, I spent the first half of the year doing chapels how I thought other people wanted me to. It wasn't until February when I did a chapel the way I wanted it that I was actually proud of what I was doing. I realized that I was in that specific office for a reason, and if I wasn't proud of the work I was doing, then what was the point? So I started making some small, gradual changes. I spoke up for what I wanted a spiritual even to be, and I tried my best to make them what I wanted them to be. I may not have been the best RVP that school has ever seen, but I'm still proud of the work that I did.
3. Your life is never going to feel long enough.
So there's no point in worrying about how much time you have. Live your life the way you want to right now. Don't spend time being anxious about the future when you could be using that time to work towards what you want. I'm a pretty anxious person most of the time, but I'm (still) learning how to not let that affect my ability to write a book, work in a theatre, and any other dream I have.
4. Hoola Hoop
When I first got back into therapy, I was told to stand in a hoola hoop. The therapist told me that everything inside the hoola hoop is what I can control. Everything outside and in front of me is anxiety, and everything outside and behind me is depression. I shouldn't worry about anything outside of the hoola hoop because it is simply out of my control. In therapy I actually made a hoola hoop key chain and I still have it on my lanyard. I carry it with me so I can remember to only focus on what I can take care of right now, not what has happened in the past or what I worry may happen in the future.
5. There truly is a time for everything.
Not to get too religious, but this verse from Ecclesiastes took a whole new meaning for me this year: "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens. A time to be born, a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time a build up; a time to weep, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to case away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace" (3:1-8). This year has brought a lot of changes, and in those changes I have learned that there is time for everything under the sun. There are seasons of tears, but we can always learn something from it. On the flip side,there is no use trying to hurry good things along before they're supposed to arrive. In the words of Jack Kerouac, "Nothing good gets away."
6. There are people you are supposed to connect with right away, and others not until later. There are people you are supposed to be friends with for a short amount of time,a and others for forever.
I have friends who I clicked with as soon as I met them, and then I have friends (my roommate included) who I met and then didn't really become friends with until almost a year later. I've also had friends who I became friends with right away, but then later the friendship drifted away for various reasons. All of that is okay.
7. If you want something, there is truly no harm in asking.
In March, I really wanted to speak for my high school's Student Week of Prayer. I knew I had something to say, and I knew that if I was chosen I would do a good job. So I went to my principal, asked if I could speak for one of the days, and he said yes. Fast forward a few weeks, and I was standing in front of my high school telling the story of the time I got to say thank you at the Leadership Conference the previous September. I actually wrote about the whole experience, which you can read here. And if you want to read more about the story I talked about, click here. Later this year, after I graduated, I had an internship with a theatre. I got the internship because I saw a flyer in a Barnes and Noble advertising a summer camp and emailed asking if they needed any extra help. They didn't for the summer camp, but they needed someone for their production of The Music Man. If I hadn't emailed asking if they needed help, I never would have had that experience.
8. It doesn't matter what cords you get at graduation. What matters is how you affected the lives of those around you.
In March, I had a really bad week and ended up in the office of my vice principal/religion teacher. As I lifted the weights from my shoulders and poured my heart out in her office, I told her that I was having trouble adjusting to the fact that I wasn't getting cords at graduation. She looked and me and said that I had accomplished so much that couldn't be measured in a graduation cord, and she was right. I had worked hard to overcome a lot while still getting as good of grades as I could, and that can't be measured in a gold or silver cord. Earlier last school year, I was looking through old Instagram pictures and found some from my Junior year when the class of 2017 graduated. As I looked at the pictures of me and my friends, I realized that I wasn't looking at the cords they got (or didn't get), but rather at their faces as I thought about how much they had affected my life and how much better they had made it. What my vice principal/religion teacher neglected to tell me (and rightly so) is I would in fact be receiving a cord for earning an advanced diploma. I still got a cord, but not until after I came to the conclusion that the cord doesn't matter. What matters is what kind of legacy you leave behind.
9. It is very important to imagine people complexly.
I noticed this more in terms of friends than with family, but this goes for family members too. People are complex, no one is completely good and no is completely bad. You can't expect a "good" person to never make a mistake, just like you can't be surprised when a "bad" person does something good. This was probably the hardest thing I had to learn this year, and I don't think I've been 100% successful yet, but I'm still working on it.
10. I really love comedy, especially of the stand-up variety.
Last May, when I was super stressed about the end of the school year, the only way I was really able to turn my brain off a little was to watch comedy specials on Netflix. After I graduated, I kept looking for more and more. I didn't know how much I appreciated stand-up comedy until this year, but I really do love it. Some of my favorite specials that I've watched include: Kid Gorgeous (John Mulaney, who is one of my top 5 favorite comedians, by the way), Homecoming King (Hasan Minhaj, who, as it happens, is another of my top 5 favorites), Confirmed Kills (Iliza Shlesinger), and This is Me Now (Jim Jefferies).
11. Every hard thing will get better if you don't give up.
After my graduation, I started interning at a nearby theatre for two (ish) months. The first few days were really rough. I felt like I was on the outside looking in, and I was struggling to see how taking notes on a production was going to help me in the long-run. As time went on, I started talking to more people, and my job changed from "note taker", to "person who runs the music when the actual music person isn't there," back to "note taker," and then "person who basically does all the stuff we don't have someone for." I loved that job. This also couldn’t be truer when it comes to college. I’ve been in Washington for a little over a month, now, and while the first two weeks or so were really hard, it’s only gotten better the more I’ve stuck with it.
12. What other people think of you doesn't matter as long as you know yourself.
I always knew this, but I didn't have to learn it until this year. People may know that you get anxious about things, but they don't know how independent you are. People may know that you sometimes have test anxiety, but they don't know how much you study beforehand. My point is that people may know you, but they don't know all of you. You know yourself better than anyone else does, so don't take someone else's perception as you as truth. If someone says something to you that they believe is true about you, think about it first and then decide if it actually is true or if they just don't have the whole story.
13. We all make a greater impact on the world than we realize.
I few months ago, I saw a mini TED Talk where this guy talked about an experience he had back in college. It’s a short video, and I really recommend watching it. The basic point is that we all affect more lives than we realize, and we really do leave an impact on the world. When I graduated high school, many of the students in the class below told me and my classmates that our class was going to missed because of the great impact we’d had on the school. I think, on some level, we all knew that we were important to other students in the school, but to be told that your existance on a campus has made an impact is a big deal, and it’s nice thing to be told. I could tell story after story of times when someone has made an impact on my life and how they probably don’t even know it. This year, not only have I learned that we make a bigger impact than we realize, but I also learned that we need to tell people they’ve impacted our lives before we lose the chance.
14. Trust your gut.
It's always right. However, in the past year I have had to learn how to tell the difference between my gut and plain old anxiety. I'm starting to figure that out, though, and my gut is still never wrong. So yeah, always trust your gut.
15. God is a show-off.
This is something that writer Anne Lamott likes to say, and it’s completely true. The week before I went to school was an insane, rollercoaster of a week. So much happened, whether it be good, bad, or just plain random. At the beginning of the week, I read something where Anne Lamott said that God is a show-off, and that really resonated with me. Throughout the rest of the week, whenever something really good happened (because all the good things that occurred were really good), it came to mind. What I’ve discovered this year is that God is really good at making things happen when they are supposed to happen (see thing I learned #5), and when something is supposed to happen it can happen in extraordinary ways.
16. God sends the people we need when we need them.
In the back of my mind, I always knew this was true. But this was made even more evident in the past year. What I’ve come to realize is that while God will always send people when we need them most, how long we need them for will vary. I’ve had people come into my life this year for a summer, one month, a week, or even just four minutes. God sent the people I needed when I needed them most, no matter how long I needed them for.
17. Even if you’re independent in quiet ways, you’re still independent.
I’ve always been someone who turned to their family for everything. I get scared of trying new things, and I get anxious when it comes to the unknown. Still, I moved two states away and have been doing lots of things by myself for a little over a month now. I may still call my family almost everyday, forward my mom emails that I don’t understand, and FaceTime my grandparents for math help, but I walk everywhere by myself. I go to counseling appointments alone. I’m the one who makes sure everything that needs to get done gets done. I’m independent in quiet ways, but that doesn’t make it any less important.
18. First and foremost, love.
This post has been edited last minute due to the recent events of this week. The Adventist world is small, and recently the internet did what it does best and an open letter of mine got picked up by Adventist Today. This week has been an intense one for me, especially since I made the mistake of reading almost every. single. comment left on Facebook from the Adventist Today repost. This was really not a smart move on my part, but it did reinforce a lesson that I’ve had drilled into me all year- love with all of your heart. I am an incredibly opinionated person, and I have spent the last few days holding myself back from responding to every comment with something snarky. Instead, I’ve taken a deep breath, reminded myself of why I wrote the letter in the first place, and reminded myself that first and foremost, I am here to love and to spread love.
Being eighteen was both everything I thought it would be and nothing like what I thought it would be. I went through some rough patches with school, had one of the best summers of my entire life, and started college. I wrote lots of poetry (and did an open mic!), and was involved in theatre. I got my driver's permit and started to conquer my anxiety. Eighteen was a good year, but I'm very excited for what nineteen will be. A lot of eighteen was spent preparing to nineteen, and the next year certainly has some exciting things in store for it.
To the Seventh Day Adventist Church
Originally published on October 21st, 2018
To the Seventh Day Adventist Church,
My name is Claira Eastwood. I was dedicated when I was baby and baptized when I was twelve. I have gone to SDA schools and churches my entire life, and I currently attend an SDA university. My dad is a pastor and I grew up spending lots of time in churches. I went to an SDA summer camp from 2009-2013. I was the Religious Vice President my senior year of high school, and I have taught two sixth grade classes baptismal studies. I have spent countless hours, days, and weeks in churches and on retreats. Since birth, the Seventh Day Adventist Church has been part of my life. My name is Claira Eastwood, and I am angry.
This past week a committee got together on the east coast. I have done my best to understand what this committee was put together for and what decision they had to make, and this is what I’ve come up with- a committee got together to decide whether or not this church will allow it’s representatives to speak about and for those who have repeatedly been pushed away. This vote has given the people at the top of the church power to tell pastors what they can and cannot say. No one knows for sure how this will turn out, but I have my suspicions. The way I see it, this vote has taken away free speech and has told many, many people that the things they’ve gone through and even who they are as people are not things that can be talked about in the church. The way I see it, this vote is pushing away groups of people who “do not fit” a certain set of expections this church has tried to put on them. If this vote has hurt you, I am sorry. I am so sorry that a group of people have made a decision that will inevitably push people away from this church.
This morning I got up, got dressed, and went to church. My church is in the basement of the University church. My church serves coffee outside and has Christmas lights all year long. My church has drums. My church lets you wear jeans if you want to. My church talks about all the things we were told not to talk about. Today my church talked about the committee vote. On Tuesday there will be a meeting where a group of people (myself included) will attempt to figure out what to do next. Until then, this is what I have to say:
My God is a God of love. My God is a God of peace. My God is a God who loves the people this church* tends to push aside. My God is a God who will listen to you sing quiet hymns but will also dance for joy with the sound of drums. My God is a God who does not care what denomination you belong to. My God is a God who loves you no matter what your race, your sexual orientation, or gender identity may be. My God is a God who has loved everyone since before they took their first breath. My God is a God who is near to the brokenhearted, who is strong when I am weak, who has never left me and who never will. My God is a God who will leave the ninety-nine to go search for the one who has been voted out. My God is a God who has comforted those who were hurt by the vote. My God is a God who is bigger than this vote.
To those of you who have been hurt, I give you a quote from Kate DiCamillo, author of The Tale of Despereaux: “Stories are light. Light is precious in a world so dark.” Please keep sharing your stories. Remember your strength. Do not let yourself shrink away, because you are the one who has the most to say. I promise to listen to you. I promise to do what I can, because I am not going anywhere.
Today in my church one of the pastors told us “not to leave our home.” He told us that we were needed right now, and he’s right. At the end of the sermon, we all sang a song called Jesus at the Center of it All, and as we stood there, singing, I couldn’t help but believe that I was standing in a room of people who are going to change the world. We are a group of future teachers, doctors, engineers, artists, and yes, there are more than a few future pastors as well.
There were people in that room who were hurt by this vote, myself included. There were people in that room who will not rest until a solution has been found. There were people in that room who will still love, and love, and love, and love with all their hearts. I promise to be one of those people. Almost two years ago, I had a teacher tell me “don’t leave it, change it.” To the Seventh Day Adventist church, you have messed with the wrong generation. And we will not hesitate to let our voices be heard.
- Claira Eastwood
“Jesus at the center of it all.
…
Jesus be the center of your church.”
~ Jesus at the Center of it All
*I should make it clear that when I say “this church” I do not mean everyone in it. There are people in the SDA church who are kind, accepting, and welcoming people. In this letter, when I say “this church” I am talking about and to the people who made this vote happen.
Costco, Tide Pools, and Kitchen Fires (Otherwise Known as My Sixteenth Birthday)
Originally published on October 18th, 2018
I turn 19 in eleven days, which means it’s been almost three years since my sixteenth birthday and I can probably talk about it without cringing too much. I’m not sure that’s possible, but let’s find out, shall we? My sixteenth birthday was spent on a biology trip near Mendocino, CA. Before I go into the full story, let's quickly review the events that transpired:
- I got lost in Costco. Twice
- I had to kill harmless sea bug things that live in shells.
- I caught a kitchen towel on fire.
- And then, as if that wasn't enough, two days later on Halloween, I threw up all over the cabin floor while watching Mulan.
I think it's important to mention that when I found out the biology trip started on my birthday, I almost didn't go. It took me a few days to decide what to do, and even then, after deciding to go, I wasn't sure it was the right decision. But I went anyway, my mom's advice to stick with my choices still ringing in my ear. I got in the car with four of my best friends (who sang happy birthday to me once every hour, on the hour) and was surprised to hear that before we could go to Mendocino, our driver had to stop at Costco so we could actually have food during the trip. Here's the thing- I've always sort of, kind of, really hated Costco. I've never had a good experience, and this birthday trip was certainly no exception. While there, I got lost twice and both times it took me a few minutes to find my friends. It is worth noting that while it's never fun being lost somewhere, being lost on your birthday is worse. Needless to say, I was very happy when our little group finally left Costco.
Like I mentioned, we were going to Mendocino for a biology trip. The main activity of our first day (my birthday) was going to the nearby tide pools to collect the harmless sea bug things and store them to talk about later. To do this, you had to take a knife and scoop them out of their shell and then put them in a plastic bag (this would kill them, by the way). Now, take a minute and think about all you know about me. It's been two years, you've learned a lot about me in that time. Do you think this is something I would enjoy? You're right, I absolutely hated it. I hated it so much, in fact, that I actually started to cry. I didn't bring a knife with me (obviously), so someone else lent me theirs, and I never used it. Instead, I wandered off to the side a little, next to some rocks and called my mom. I missed her. In that moment, I whole heartedly regretted my decision to spend my birthday away from my home and my family. I was sad, and I really didn't want to stay at the tide pools where the little organisms were practically being massacred. But I stayed, talked to my mom, and tried not to cry.
Before leaving for the trip, everyone who was going had to sign up for a day and a meal to help make. Me and a few of my friends decided to sign up for the first meal because we figured then it was over with and we wouldn't have to worry about it later. I was put in charge of beans, and had been told to wrap a towel around the handle of the pot so I wouldn't burn my hand. While stirring the beans, the towel somehow caught on fire. I took the towel off the handle and held it out in front of me, paralyzed in fear. A friend of mine grabbed the towel and shook it to put out the fire. So, yeah, I set a towel on fire and just stood there because I didn't know what to do. After eating, my group went back into the kitchen to clean up, and at some point I was left alone, drying a dish. I was told I wasn't allowed to leave the kitchen, and I quickly realized why when I heard whispers from my friends behind the door. I was finally allowed back into the dining area, and set in front of a makeshift cake made of tiny brownies. People sang happy birthday, and there's a video somewhere in which I look extremely uncomfortable. I was happy though, because even though there had been a few sucky moments on my birthday, my friends had still done something to celebrate it.
A couple days later, on our last day of the trip, everyone in my cabin decided to watch Mulan after learning that I'd never seen it before (spoiler alert- I still haven't). A couple people on the trip hadn't been feeling great, but everyone had been fine after a few hours. I, on the hand, started feeling incredibly nauseous about a quarter of our way through the movie. Halfway through, I had to go back to my own bed because I was feeling so awful. While my friends continued to watch the movie, I lay in my bed, trying to figure out why I wasn't feeling great. At one point, after all the lights were turned out, I got up and tried to get into the bathroom. It was a really dark cabin, and I couldn't find the right door knob. My searching took too long, and I wound up throwing up all over the floor. My dear friend (like the angel she is) took it upon herself to clean everything up so I could go back to sleep.
So, yeah. Not my best birthday (or birthday weekend), and not exactly a sweet sixteen. My 16th birthday was the first year I was away from any family for the majority of the day. My 19th birthday, which is in a couple weeks, will be the first birthday I spend without any family at all. This has got me to thinking about how we build families for ourselves. I'm pretty lucky that my birthday is right after Parent's Weekend, so I'll have my mom there for the days before my birthday, but for my birthday itself, I won't have any family around. I will, however, have my roommate. I'll have those in my acting class. I'll have the people I work with, the classes that make me happy, and an environment that never seizes to make me smile. I feel very lucky to be surrounded by all these people, and I figure as long as I don't have to kill little sea bugs, it'll be a pretty great birthday.
It may not have been my best birthday, but this is one of my favorite pictures from the day :-)