I Don't Write for You
Originally published on October 14th, 2018
"I hate poetry," my younger self says.
She says it’s boring, that it doesn’t make any sense.
Says it’s too much, and says she doesn’t want anything to do with it.
She wonders why she doesn’t like it, wonders why it’s frustrating.
"Iambic pentameter," teachers say, while spouting off names of famous poets.
The assignment is to research them and write a poem in their style.
Copy their rhythm, their rhyme, and their spirit.
Turn ourselves outside in to match their inside out.
I didn’t like this. I wanted to write my own things.
Find my own rhythm and rhyme, and not steal someone else’s spirit.
I wanted to look into myself and discover what needed to be said.
But instead I was stuck writing three stanzas of pretended vulnerability.
So now I write for my younger self.
I write the poems she wanted to read- ones with no end point and no boundaries.
I write for her so she can say what needed to be said,
And I write for the free spirit that is somewhere inside me.
I write poetry because I have to, and I write poetry because I need to.
I have my own way of doing this, and you don’t need to like it.
I write the poetry my younger self wanted to write but was told it was too much like prose
Too much of a narrative and had too few descriptions
But I am not them. I am not Wordsworth, and I am not Shakespeare.
I am not Browning, and I am certainly not Neruda.
I am me. I can only be me.
I can only write my own thoughts and speak my own truth.
So I don’t write for you. I don’t write for your rules or your boundaries.
I don’t write for your restrictions or your guidelines.
I write because I have to, and I write because I need to.
I write because that’s how I breathe. I write so I can live.
Why I Chose the Major (and minor!) That I Did
Originally published on October 11th, 2018
As of right now, I am majoring in English and minoring in Drama. You know, just so I can be completely unemployable... just kidding. Something I learned pretty quickly after deciding where I was going to college is that after asking where you're going, people will ask you what your major is, and then if you're majoring in one of the Humanities, they will ask you why. I'm not sure why this is, but a lot of the time people don't know what kind of job you can get with a degree in one of the Humanities. I have some friends who are pre-law, and others who want to be teachers. Some of us just want to study something that interests them while they figure out what they want to do when they graduate.
At first, I chose to major in English because it's all I've ever wanted to major in. Now, I'm majoring in English because I believe that it will make me both a better writer and a better actor. When you read books and learn the history of the authors, you get inside the heads of characters and the head of the person who created them. This teaches you empathy, which is so important in being a good actor. When you're empathetic, you're able to understand why you're character does the things they do, and you can then decide how you want to play it out. Of course, the writing is also a huge part for me. I love reading, and I love writing. Someday (hopefully soon), I want to publish a book. Whether it's self-published or not, I want to see a book I've written on the shelf of a bookstore someday.
At my school, there aren’t many other English majors. In fact, there are only four of us in my Freshman class. This means we are all pretty close-knit, especially with the professors. At my school, if you are an English major, you take all the typical English writing and literature classes, but then later on decide if you want your concentration to be on creative writing or on literature. I still haven’t decided which one I want to choose, but luckily I don’t have to make that decision for another couple of years. My general classes still revolve around my major, especially the ones in the history and social science departments.
I am minoring in Drama for what should be obvious reasons if you've read even a couple posts on this blog. I'm minoring in Drama because I want to work in a theatre someday, and then later run my own theatre company. If I'm being totally honest, I'm only minoring in Drama because at my school you can't major in it. Right now I am taking an acting class and I absolutely love it. Right now I am writing this in the fifteen minutes I have before meeting with another girl in the class to go over a scene we’re performing together in a couple weeks. At my school, the drama department is pretty well established. Auditions are mandatory, which is great practice, and I’m also part of the drama club which has events (like musical nights or improve games) every couple weeks.
I love the major and minor that I've chosen, and I'm excited to keep working towards my degree for the next four years. Even so, I'm open to things changing. I highly doubt I'll wind up with a degree in something to do with math or science (especially since I couldn't think of a degree in that department to mention here), but I may decide at some point that I'd prefer to major in Strategic Communication for the same reasons I chose to major in English. I may also decide to add a minor in business so I have more information for when I decide to start the theatre company. Who knows, I may really decide to go in a completely new direction. My point is, I love my major and minor, but I'm also open to other options. All I know for sure is I'm excited about what I might get to do while I'm here.
Me during a monologue performance earlier this week :-)
Why I Write - 2 Year Anniversary Post
Originally published on October 07th, 2018
Today marks exactly two years since I made this website go live two days early. Today it has been two years since I decided to start a blog without really knowing how. I hadn't really written anything like this before. The first pieces I wrote were 2-3 paragraphs, whereas now my average piece has 6 paragraphs. I started by wanting to tell stories of my life and share my poems, but at that point I wasn't doing much with my life and I'd only written one poem.
In the past year, I went through my senior year of high school, graduated, and started college. I moved to a new state. I finally got my driver's permit. A lot has changed with this website itself, too. I've written more open letters, and I've started releasing a monthly poem. I've added a few new series pieces, too (100 Words and Detox Tea Talks come to mind first). I updated the format a while back and at the same time changed the About page (which received another update after I graduated). I also completely took off the photography page, because I realized that while I like saving pictures I've taken, it's not something I feel the need to showcase, and it isn't one of my priorities. Instead, I've made a new section entirely devoted to theatre and my journey of getting to where I want to be. But what's happened in the past two years?
In the past two years, I've gone from a scared new kid in California to a college Freshman in Washington who is finding her way. In the past two years, I have gone from someone with ideas for books but no copies to someone with a book written, edited, and ready. I started this blog so I'd have something to do to distract myself from starting at a new school. I started it so I'd feel like I was doing something that could benefit me in the future. I started it so I'd get the chance to practice my writing and have a space to talk about things I loved.
Now, I write because I want to share my stories. I write because I believe I have something to say, and I write because I think I have good ideas. Now, I don't always need this website to distract myself, but sometimes it still serves that purpose. Usually, this website is simply my place to keep my stories safe. It is a place that still lets me share things I love and I still think this may benefit me in the future, but now this whole thing is more than that.
This website has made me a better writer, a better reader, and I think it's actually made me a better person. I do more now. I try things, and I take risks. I think that's because I figure that even if something doesn't work out the way I want it to, at least I'll get a story out of it and can have a new piece to post here. This website has made me a little less afraid of messing up. While I didn't need one, this website has given me an excuse to simply live a little bit more. When you put your soul out there, you have to be brave. You have to be okay with being vulnerable and you have to be okay with people reading your vulnerability, no matter what they'll do with it. I'm still working on not letting irrelevant criticism bother me, but it's hard.
In the past year, this little website's audience has grown, so hello to those of you who are still pretty new. Thanks for hanging out here and listening to what I have to say. Thank you to those of you who have been here the entire time (all four of you ;-)), and thank you to those of you who stop in every once in a while and leave nice comments for me to see later. It's been a good two years, and I'm excited for the next two (and beyond). Here's to making mistakes, succeeding at new things, and writing about all of it.
Why I Love "Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again" So Much (and yeah, I am aware that this is three months late)
Originally published on October 04th, 2018
Before you ask, yes I did see this movie back in July. However, it has taken me up until now to really sit down and write about just how much I loved it.* While watching the movie (as well as the first Mamma Mia movie), I couldn't remember why I knew all the words to a lot of the songs used. It wasn't until later that I remembered that I used to listen to ABBA all the time between the ages of thirteen and sixteen. I didn't tell anyone, though, because I assumed people would think it was weird that I loved listening to music by a Swedish band. So I listened to the songs in my headphones at night, silently memorizing the lyrics. For whatever reason, I'd blocked out those memories to the point where I couldn't remember why I knew all the lyrics while watching the movies.
I think that, most of the time, people listen to these songs thinking of a romantic kind of love. I know that's what I thought of when I was 13 and 14. But when I watched the movies, all that comes to mind is the love that family and community can provide. The music of ABBA and the stories the songs given to both Mamma Mia movies make me feel so much so deeply. The relationship between Donna and her mother is sometimes reflected in my own experiences (though not with me and my mom), and I see a spark of familiarity with Sophie and Sam.
Donna's belief that she is going to live a great life, even if she doesn't know what it is going to look like, reminds me a bit of myself. Her ability to pick up her life and run off to a place she knows very little about is, in a way, inspiring to me. Like Donna, I’ve always assumed I would lead an extraordinary life, I’m just not always sure how I’ll do it. Donna’s ability to pick up her life, travel to somewhere she’s only heard of maybe once or twice, and start anew all without seeming anxious about it is inspiring. Unrealistic, maybe, but still inspiring (and it’s a musical, so are we really concerned about reality?).
As Sophie, I have my own Bill and Harry as well. I am surrounded by love, family, and community. I have been lucky enough to be surrounded by incredible people and role models who have taught me so much about life and what makes it beautiful. I can relate to the ABBA songs I loved so much in middle school, just differently than I originally thought. Now, when I listen to their music I think of the love I am surrounded by on a daily basis. Their music is there to remind me of all I have to be thankful for and to be happy about. Of course, their songs are also great to listen to when you’re in a bad mood so you can turn that around.
Anyway, if you still haven't seen Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again, drop everything and go find a way to see it. It’s a beautiful movie that celebrates the joy of family, the beauty that can be found in grief, and the wonder in a new adventure. I really loved it, and I would see it again in a heartbeat.
*Parts of this was taken from the Twitter thread I made after watching the movie, it just took me until now to be able to elaborate on my thoughts.
Books I've Read & Places I've Loved: September 2018
Originally published on September 30th, 2018
Well... That was September. This month was full of beautiful change, tearful goodbyes, and funny memories that will last a lifetime. I read some books, went on some hikes, and tried to make some new friends. This month I moved to a new state, into a new room, with new people around me all the time. My introverted-extrovert self was challenged every day of the last two weeks, and I already have lots of new stories to tell and things I can write about. You can expect those to pop up very soon, but for right now here are the books I read and the places I loved in this month of September:
BOOKS I'VE READ
Sea of Strangers by Lang Leav
I know I read some last month, but in general I haven't read a lot of poetry this year. For whatever reason, I find myself being drawn to memoirs and fiction a little more. Still, poetry is very important to me, and reading it helps me write it. I also figured that reading a book of poetry would be a fairly easy way to get used to reading for fun while in college. I picked up this book because I liked the title, but the inside pages didn’t live up to my expectations. The writing felt very adolescent, and that is something I was trying to get away from when it comes to poetry. Still, there are pieces of this book that I did like, and there are some lines that went underlined.
I recommend this book if: You're just getting into poetry and want some prose scattered throughout to balance things.
I don't recommend this book if: You want to read about love, but you don't want the prose or one sentence poems. Instead, try reading something by Pablo Neruda. He's one of my favorites.
Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson
For my week of orientation I was part of a book club, and this was the book that was chosen. I got the audio book, and started it the Thursday before I left (I know, I know). I listened to it while I finished packing, while loading up the car, the morning before I left, and on the drive up to Washington. I finished it in my dorm room just in time for the first meeting on Tuesday. This book is intense at it’s best and heartbreaking at it’s worst. It was written by a lawyer who’s entire job is getting innocent people off death row, so you can imagine what I mean when I say it’s intense. There is one story that flows throughout the book with other stories dotted here and there, and it is all wrapped up really well. I would definitely, definitely, definitely recommend this book.
I’d recommend this book if: You’re angry with the criminal justice system and want someone to show the light that can shine through the darkness.
I wouldn’t recommend this book if: topics relating to racial tension, domestic violence, mental health, or sexual harassment/abuse are triggering for you.
PLACES I'VE LOVED
Hidden Falls, CA
This month I tried to soak up as much of California as possible before heading off to college. The first day of the month saw me up near my grandparents house on a hike I've only done a few times, but always enjoy. I also realized again how awkward I can be when it comes to taking pictures, but that's okay because we're working on it.
Folsom Lake, CA
My grandmother's birthday is right at the beginning of September, and it happened to be a really beautiful, not too hot day. We went hiking by Folsom Lake, and got to go out to some of the "islands" that are usually covered by water. The "lake" is actually a dam, and some of the water had been drained recently, and the little strip of land that connects the islands wasn't under water like it usually is. We walked around and took pictures on the rocks, and hopefully made some good memories for my Grandmom on her birthday.
The Atlas - College Place, WA
Towards the end of my orientation week, the nearby, student-run coffee house (literally, it’s an old house turned into a coffee place) opened up again and had an open mic. I brought my poetry notebook with me just in case I decided to do something, and, sure enough, I wound up reading this poem up front. I was nervous, especially since I’d never read a poem in front of that many people before, but I’m really glad I did it, and hopefully I’ll do more in the future.
A Coffee Shop With a Name I Can’t Remember
Whoops… It was a really nice place, though! On the first day of Fall, I went into downtown with the other two people who came from my high school. We found a coffeeshop and I ordered a chai to celebrate the beginning of one of my favorite seasons. That whole day was good for my soul, and this coffee shop was the perfect place for it all to come together.
September was definitely a month of change- some good, and some not so good. This month I started college which brought so much new along with it. This month was certainly an adjustment period, and while that can be really uncomfortable it’s important (and necessary) for the beauty to follow. Yesterday I was rereading Letters to a Young Poet (which I first read back in August of last year) and came across this quote: "Therefore... love your solitude and bear with sweet sounding lamentation the suffering it causes you. For those who are near you are far, you say, and that shows it is beginning to grow wide around you… Your solitude will be a hold and home for you even amid very unfamiliar conditions and fro there you will find all your ways.” (Rainer Maria Rilke) As I go into October (my favorite month of the year), I’m going to try to remember that quote, and if it helps you at all I hope you will too.
Big Fish, Little Fish
Originally published on September 27th, 2018
I have officially been a college student for eleven days. I'm still dealing with some degree of culture shock, but I'm definitely enjoying my time in Washington. So far, I've moved in, gone through a week of orientation, and had three full days of classes. A lot has happened and while not all of it has made me feel like this will be a good school year, most of it has. For today, here is a summary of what my life has been like lately, as well as a realization I had before moving up.
I got to campus on the 15th, where I was able to move my stuff in a little early. This was good because it meant I was able to get to campus on the official move-in day without actually having to move all my stuff in. After moving in, having lunch with my mom, roommate, and her family, my mom and I walked back to the car where we said a tear-filled goodbye. Then we drove back to the building where I’d have a meeting and I had to get out of the car and go be a college student and stuff. If you’ve read a piece I wrote back in June called Not So Scary Anymore then you’ll know how much I hate leaving the car (and my mom!) to venture off on my own. But somehow, after many “last” hugs goodbye, I found a way to leave the car. I then got lost and dear Annaliese had to come find me, but I still left the car. Later that day I would also find a bug in my room and get myself locked out of my room, but considering it was my first day I think it could have been worse.
The rest of my week consisted of taking placement tests (I tested higher in French than expected, which was cool. Math went exactly as expected), learning my way around the campus, and getting used to living away from home (at least a little bit). I called my mom and then my dad, and texted my Grandmother and aunt. I FaceTimed my brother and one of my best friends all in an attempt to make the unfamiliar a little bit easier. I cried many tears, tried to look on the bright side, and have made many, many cups of coffee.
I think one of the biggest things I've learned so far is that even though I'm now a little fish in a big pond, I haven't actually shrunk any. I may be smaller than the other fish, but that's just because the other fish have had more time to grow bigger. At the end of my senior year of high school, I told one of my friends that I wasn't looking forward to being a Freshman again because I didn't want to feel young and small. But what I neglected to realize is I am still the same person I was after graduating, I just get another four years to grow into an even more mature, capable, and strong person.
Detox Tea Talk: September 2018
Originally published on September 23rd, 2018
As I write this, I am sitting in my grandparent’s living room, watching a murder mystery, with my grandmother next to me. It’s a Thursday, I just posted my piece on my trip to France, and tomorrow my mom and I start the drive up to college. This has been a crazy, insane, somewhat intense week, and it’s been a lot to process. This week I’ve cried more than I like (and I know there will be plenty more tears tomorrow when I say goodbye to my grandparents, little brother, and dog), talked on the phone more than I like, and ridden many, many miles on my stationary bike in order to keep my anxiety levels fairly low.
This week there have been definite highs and definite lows. I may be moving into my dorm room on Sunday, but there is still so much left up in the air, and if you’ve read this blog even a little bit, you’ll know that I hate feeling out of control. But this week has forced me into a place of accepting the things I can’t control, and learning to work hard on the things that I can.
I write this the day before I leave for college, and that’s a scary thought. Ever since I was twelve years old I’ve been waiting for this moment to arrive. I’ve dreamt about, worked towards, and planned for the year that is about to start in only a few days, and it feels very strange that it really is that close. My reality is about to change, and by the time you’re reading this it will already have. A lot of my time is spent thinking about self improvement, and whenever I have a major life change, I tend to focus on it even more. Hence, I’m trying really hard not to only pay attention to the things I have no control over.
It’s hard, though. It’s hard to get rid of the voice in your head that says you need to control everything, but I’m working on it. So, I’m checking things off my to-do list and trying to ground myself in reality as much as possible. And I’m trying to remember all the reasons why I’m excited about starting college. Like I said, I’ve been looking forward to this ever since I was twelve. Many different colleges have been at the top of my list, and many different majors have been considered. Many different things have been up in the air, and there has always been a fear of the unknown. But tomorrow I get to pack up and walk straight into the unknown. Here’s hoping the bravery sticks around,
~ Claira
This chai was absolutely delicious, even if I actually took this picture yesterday :-)
“Step boldly, step bravely into the unknown, the untold. Open your heart and your arms to what may be, what could be, what will be.” ~ The Unknown by Erin Williams
Claira Goes to Washington
Originally published on September 20th, 2018
You have no idea how long I've waited to write that title. I have only been living in Washington for five days, but it’s getting better every day I’m here. I never planned on going to Washington for school, but after being here for only a short while, I can’t imagine myself anywhere else. Originally, I planned on going to Nebraska, which now is pretty crazy to think about. I decided on Washington at the end of 2017, and never looked back.
So here I am, living in a completely new place with (mostly) completely new people. I have no idea how this year will turn out, or where I’ll be when it’s over, but I am sure that whatever happens I’ll learn new things, grow as a person, and make memories. And, at the end of the day, what else could I really ask for?
~ 146
Me and my mom, somewhere in Oregon on our way to Washington :-)
The First Time I Didn't Want to Grow Up
Originally published on September 16th, 2018
I grew up by the beach. Although I didn't go as much as you'd expect, I loved being on the sand dunes. Jumping off them, rolling down them, sitting on them. I loved the sand, and I loved watching the water. There was a particular cluster of sand dunes that I loved very much, as they offered the perfect height for jumping off, were steep enough to roll down, and had a lovely ditch in the middle for sitting in. One night, I was at the beach with my family to watch the sunset when I discovered that my favorite cluster of sand dunes had disappeared. As a third grader, I knew that of course nature changes things and wind will blow dunes in different directions, but as a nine year old whose parents were separating, this was the final straw on my little camel's back.
I remember feeling like crying, screaming, and throwing sand around all at the same time. I don't remember what I ended up doing, but I do remember my mom taking me in her arms and talking to me about change. The first picture below was taken at that moment, and even though there are many pictures of us, this will always be one of my favorites. I remember not wanting things to change, and as silly as it may seem, this loss of those particular sand dunes symbolized to me that I was growing up. I realized (although I already knew it) that nothing was going to be the same forever, and certainly nothing was going to be the same as it had been when I five, six, seven years old. As I've gotten older, I've realized that it's a good thing life isn't the same as it was from 2014 downward, but as a nine year old I didn't yet have the gift of hindsight.
That day on the beach is the first time I remember not wanting to grow up. Today, September 16th, is my first day of college. My first day of classes is next Monday, but today is the first day of orientation. When I wake up, I'll drive with my mom to the university and unpack all my stuff in a room that I'll be sharing with Annaliese for the next school year. I'll experience all the news things one experiences during orientation week and then I'll have four years of new stuff. This is not the second time I've not wanted to grow up, it's probably the fourth (16th birthday and 18th birthday were the second and third), but this feeling now is just as strong as it was when I was nine.
It's been almost a decade since my mom and I sat on the dunes and she told me that change is good and growing up isn't a bad thing, and I would be very surprised if she didn't tell me the same thing on the drive to Washington. That day on the beach, I couldn't think of anything worse than having to grow up. But so many wonderful things happened in the past nine years that it almost seems silly how scared I was. That's what I'm reminding myself as I prepare to leave Sacramento. Right now I may be thinking that growing up seems awful, but there must be plenty of good things waiting on the horizon. There always have been.
My mom will probably insist that this picture also be shown, so here you go. Clearly, I went through a wide range of emotions that night.
Paris: A Twelve Year Old's Dream
Originally published on September 13th, 2018
I first decided that I wanted to go to France when I was twelve years old. I was talking to a family member while visiting Washington D.C. for another family member's wedding when I was asked where I'd most like to go in the world. Considering my grandparents had very generously gifted me a trip anywhere in the world for my eighth grade graduation, I'd been thinking about this question a lot. I replied saying I'd like to go to Paris, and the idea just stuck. After eighth grade, I wound up going to New York City instead, but for the four years I was in high school, I knew that come graduation I'd be on a plane headed to Paris.
Over the six years between deciding to go to Paris and actually going, the places I most wanted to visit changed. Now, if I could go anywhere in the world, I'd probably choose Ireland, Amsterdam, or Thailand. All three places have something I'd like to see, and I hope I'll get there someday. Still, even though in the last two years I've wanted to go to other places more than France, I still chose Paris as the city I wanted to go to after high school.
I think it's because, during those six years, the Eiffel Tower had become like a beacon of hope. I really like symbols, and the sheer symbolism of this beautiful tower made me want to visit. From the age of 12 up until now, I have dealt with anxiety and small bouts of depression, and hopelessness is a feeling I am well acquainted with. Even so, 9 times out of 10 I am still able to look ahead to what the future may have in store. For whatever reason, I always knew that the Eiffel Tower was part of that future.
When I was twelve and spent most of my time alone, I dreamed of a time when I'd go to France and feel like I belonged somewhere. When I was thirteen and fourteen and started feeling far more anxious than usual, I waited for the trip where I wouldn't have to worry about what was going on at home because I was somewhere I'd only ever dreamed of. In high school, I knew that the day I made it to Paris was the day I'd be able to move on, at least a little bit, from all the stuff that had been holding me back.
It is quite possible I had too much hope placed on one trip. Still, I had been looking forward to and dreaming about going to Paris for six, very long years. Obviously, my trip to Paris (and Marseille and Luxembourg) didn't magically cure negative thing I have going on, but it still reminded me of how far I've come. Going to Paris and climbing the Eiffel Tower reminded me how, six years ago, I was far too afraid of heights to even attempt climbing it. Going to Paris and navigating train stations reminded me, even though I was with my mom the whole time, how capable I am of traveling in high stress places like train stations and airports.
Going to Paris also reminded me how far I have to go. Ask my mom and she'll tell you that I didn't speak a word of French while we were there, and she's right. My perfectionist spirit still has a fear of messing up, and I didn't want to try speaking a different language because I didn't want to make a mistake. Obviously, this is something I have to get over. I'm registered to take French 101 fall quarter, so hopefully I'll be able to do all the talking and my mom can do her own thing next time we go to France, but that one instance isn't all I'm talking about. Being in Paris reminded me of my perfectionism in general, and how it's still something I need to work on. That's one of the cool things that travel does. It shows you what you can work on in order to grow into a better person.
I loved my time in Paris, and I can't wait to go back. Being there was a six year long dream come true, and I can't think of a better way to have spent the last week of July. If you ever have the chance to go, please do. And if you have a place you've wanted to travel to for a long time, I hope you get there. My twelve year old self used Paris and the Eiffel Tower as her symbol of good things, and I can honestly say to her that she got there, she got the good things, and her life got better.
A Poem Inspired by Bastille, Inspired by Edmund Spenser
Originally published on September 09th, 2018
Time continually erases you.
There are fewer poems,
Fewer stories,
Fewer tears.
But there are still poems remaining.
Still words that mark you down.
I wrote you with my eyes,
And kept the ink filled pages.
Because I wrote you down.
Copied your movements into metaphors,
Your words into sonnets.
You will live forever.
Twelve Little Things I'm Going to Miss
Originally published on September 06th, 2018
In ten days, I'll be on my college campus getting ready to start the new school year. It's coming up really fast, and I'm starting to notice all the little things more than I have before. Because of that, I thought it might be nice if I made a list of all those little-but-still-big things that I'm going to miss once I leave home.
1. Driving in a car and hearing my mom laugh.
2. Weekly Sabbath lunches at my grandparent's house.
3. Meeting my friends for coffee at the Starbucks near my house.
4. Taking a shower without wearing shoes.
5. Taking naps on my grandparent's couch under one of the many blankets.
6. Watching West Wing while using the exercise bike.
7. My mom bursting into song (whether made up or one that she somehow remembers from her childhood) at any random moment.
8. Getting up early and drinking coffee in a quiet house.
9. Eating tomatoes that grew in my grandparent's garden.
10. Listening to my mom play her piano.
11. Seeing the colorful sunsets out of my big bedroom window.
12. Going into my mom's bedroom and sitting on her bed while she works.
Obviously, I'm not leaving these things forever. I'm still going to visit and spend a good amount of time with my family, but my life is about to change in a way that is irreversible, and that's kind of sad for me. But, as I've been reminding myself all the time, I'm about to find a bunch of new little things that I will one day miss. And that, my friends, is a very exciting thing to think about.
I'll also miss running in my neighborhood during the fall.
Trust Your Process
Originally published on September 02nd, 2018
A couple weeks ago, I got my driving permit. Yes, I do realize that it may seem strange that I'm writing about this after only getting my permit, but this was a giant hurdle to get across, so you're going to have to bear with me. After two years of taking driver's ed, studying for the test, and failing it twice, I finally passed. I read the handbook four times, took dozens of practice tests until I practically had them memorized, and even tried meditating. I went to a different DMV and tried to breathe as deeply and slowly as possible. I sat down at the computer to take the test, and tried to go as slowly as possible. As I went through the test, I realized that I knew the answer to al the questions. There were a couple questions I skipped because I wasn't 100% sure, and there were only two questions that I got wrong. I ran out of the DMV after being handed my permit, and I gave my mom a gigantic hug. I passed. I finally passed.
I realized recently that in the last two years, I've decided to do things relating to getting my drivers license when there was a lot of other stuff going on. I started taking my drivers ed. course the summer before I started at a new school, and so much of my brain space was filled by thinking about that. When I took the permit test the first time, me, my mom, and my brother were living with my grandparents again because our AC was broken, and I was kind of focused on that. When I went to take it the second time back in November, it seemed like all my friend's lives were falling apart, and they were my priority. Basically, all my brain space had been filled with too much stuff.
That's what this all comes down to- brain space. From February-July, I went to therapy once a week, with the exception of a Thursday here and there. Because of that, I was able to start peeling the layers of the onion away and dealing with a lot of stuff I'd been holding in for years and years. When you've been carrying a lot of emotional weight, your brain starts to store it and pay attention to it even when you don't think you are. When you start to process everything and start taking care of your mental health, your brain is able to open up space for more things. Since I was in therapy and dealing with some of my emotional weight, my brain was able to open space for me to focus on getting my permit. It may seem strange and a little too simple, but trust me on this, brain space is a huge thing.
I had also begun to take care of my anxiety. I have always been a very anxious person, but the last year has been especially hard. After a rough month of May and a fairly stressful graduation season, I knew something had to change. I'm not saying I magically cured my anxiety, because I don't think that's possible, but I was able to reduce it greatly by doing a few things. I started exercising more, which released endorphins that made me happier. I stopped eating gluten as much as I was because, seriously, your gut is connected to your brain.
But the biggest thing I started doing was distracting myself in the middle of a negative thinking spiral. This was the hardest, but I think it's also what made the biggest difference. When I felt myself starting to spiral into a void of negativity, I did whatever I could to change my environment. Whether it was as simple as changing the genre of music I was listening to or the show I was watching, or something bigger like physically leaving the room I was in and going outside, I distracted myself. Sometimes it doesn't work, and sometimes it's much harder to get myself out of the spiral, but I haven't stopped trying. It was (and still is!) hard, but now I can feel myself starting to think far more positively.
I have friends who got their driver's license right after turning sixteen, and I know people who didn't start the process until half way through college. I have friends who are dealing with anxiety and depression who had no problem passing the permit test the first time, and I have friends who, like me, had to take it a few times before they passed. There are people who had to process a lot more before they could succeed at something, and there are people who haven't even started to process stuff and they may not realize how heavy a load they are carrying.
What I'm trying to say is that everyone's process is different, and this definietly doesn't just apply to driving tests. If someone is getting somewhere at a slower pace than you did, don't call attention to it. It only makes the anxiety worse, so be kind to people, and believe them when they say they are trying as hard as they can. And if someone is finishing something faster than you are, don't worry about it. If you need extra help, let people help you. You don't have to do everything by yourself. You'll get to where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be there. Make some room in your brain, and trust in your process.
Books I've Read & Places I've Loved: August 2018
Originally published on August 30th, 2018
Oh August, what a month you were. I read a lot, went back to my high school to say hi to a few people, and felt the beginning of college creep closer and closer. I also wrote a lot, which was a refreshing change from July. But without further ado, here's a closer look into what my August was like:
BOOKS I'VE READ
Swan by Mary Oliver
When I was thirteen years old, my mom took me to see Mary Oliver at a poetry reading. At the time, I didn't really like poetry all that much, and I couldn't see the point of going to watch someone read their poems out loud (oh, young one, how much you will change...). I went anyway, and even though I didn't totally understand everything that she was saying, I liked how Mary Oliver read her poems, and I liked how simple yet deep they were. A little while ago, I got this book of her poems. I read in a only a couple of days, and I once again was astonished at how simple yet deep her words are. Mary Oliver is able to reach the deepest part of the reader's soul, and through that she brings peace and comfort. Just like nature does.
I recommend this book for: Lovers of poetry, espcially poetry about animals, nature, and finding the beauty in everyday things.
I don't recommend this book for: Those who prefer poetry that is obviously deep. For you I recommend Give Me a God I Can Relate To.
In Conclusion, Don't Worry About It by Lauren Graham
Back in April, I read Talking As Fast As I Can, but when I was buying that book, I discovered that Lauren Graham had another book coming out that was specifically written for high school graduates. Being a soon-to-be high school graduate, I preordered the book. I got in April, but it had been sitting on my bookshelf until a couple of weeks ago. Like in her memoir, Graham uses her words to encourage, to make others feel less alone, and to let them know that whatever happens, it was supposed to happen that way. It's only around 40 pages, This book is full of little tidbits of wisdom, and pocket-sized comfort for bad days.
I recommend this book for: The new high school seniors, the class of 2018, and anyone else who just went through a giant life change.
I don't recommend this book for: Those who are looking for something longer (if this is you, I recommend Talking As Fast As I Can), or who don't like Graham's writing. If this is you, but you still want something inspirational in the form of a memoir, try Bossypants.
We Were Liars by E. Lockhart
Back in December, my teacher who also ran the book club recommended this to all of us. The way she described it made it sound interesting, so I kept my eye out for it. We Were Liars is a a book that attacks the image families present to other people, and it does it a mysterious way. This book doesn't feel like a mystery at first, but after the first two parts, you quickly start to realize that not everything is as it seems. If you like mysteries, I'd definitely put this on your list.
I recommend this for: Fans of Celeste Ng. The writing is similar, but still distinct enough that each author has their own voice.
I don't recommend this for: Anyone who doesn't like mysteries. If you still want a fiction book that you can get lost in, try To Kill a Mockingbird.
PLACES I'VE LOVED
I took this picture from their Facebook Page
Bayside Church
I was raised in Seventh Day Adventist schools and churches, and had never gone to a church of another denomination for a service. But a couple weeks ago, Annaliese asked me if I wanted to go to a non-denominational church with her. She said the music was good, and I'd been trying to find something to do on Sunday anyway, so I said yes. It was one of those mega churches, so there were lots of people, and there were drums and lots of lights, which I didn't see much of in church growing up. I actually really liked it. Since it was non-denominational, there was less theology and more Jesus, which I think is what church needs to be anyway.
My High School
The school I graduated from has an alumni football game at the beginning of every school year. I was never on the football team (or any team, for that matter), but a few of my friends were, so I went to watch them and to see some of my other friends who are now Juniors and Seniors. It was a bittersweet experience for me. I loved seeing people I hadn't seen since June, but it was definitely strange to go to my high school campus and know that I won't be back for a really long time. They've already started school, and some things are different. I'm happy for everyone that is still there, but it's certainly a weird experience to know that your time with the school is now over. Still, seeing people was really good. I'm going to miss everyone very much, and you can bet that I'll be trying to get a few of the seniors to join me in Washington ;-).
This month was a good one. I used the motivation I'd regained to write a bunch of future posts for my first quarter of school. I read a lot, started writing in my journal again, and did a couple really good things with really good people. I know that at the beginning of the summer I superstitiously thought August would be the worst month, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I have throughly enjoyed the month of August, and I hope all of you can say something similar. Here's to September, who knows where I'll be this time next month.
Detox Tea Talk: August 2018
Originally published on August 26th, 2018
Last month, I took a much needed break from writing. I only posted four times in July, and instead of forcing myself to complete four more pieces, I focused on theatre and traveling instead. I never thought I'd want to take a break from this website, but I guess after over a year and a half things can change. I've never been very good at knowing when I need a break, but after starting a bunch of new pieces and not being able to finish them, I knew that I needed to take a step back.
When I say I took a break from writing, I mean I took a complete break from writing. I didn't write poetry, I didn't write in my journals, and, as you know by now, I didn't write for this blog. I've always been a writer, and finding myself struggling to put words to paper (or screen) was really strange. It can be weird to take a break from the thing that defined you for so long. But I think that's one of the reasons the break was so good for me.
For the last two years, writing became the thing that I was known for. I was known for being the poet, the one with the blog, and the one who read a lot. There was nothing wrong with this. Actually, I loved being known for these things, because I'm proud of it. I like that I write poetry and read a lot and have a website that I built myself. But my love of traveling and especially my love of theatre were kind of pushed to the back burner. When I took that break, I got to travel (obviously. France was great, and so was Luxembourg), and I got to focus on my internship with the theatre instead of writing a bunch of posts in advance for the rest of the summer.
Writing is hard. It requires you to be vulnerable and open to criticism. Writing can help you deal with emotions, but sometimes it requires you to talk about past emotions with causes you to experience those feelings all over again. Writing can be emotionally draining. But writing is also what I love to do. It gives my mind space to wander and my soul space to breathe. Even so, writing isn't the only thing that does those things. Traveling let's my imagination run in a thousand different directions. Being involved in theatre makes me alive in a way nothing else does. So yeah, I took a break.
But now I'm back, and have been for a while. I have posts ready for the rest of the year so I can still keep up with everything when I start college and start filling my time with more things that I love. Taking that break reminded me why I love writing, but it also reminded me that in order to write you have to take time to live. Until next time,
~ Claira
Iced tea this time, with a murder mystery as a bonus.
To My Baby Cousin
Originally published on August 23rd, 2018
To My Baby Cousin,
The day you were born, I was on an overnight all school trip. I was sharing a two bed room with three other girls, and was sleeping on the floor on top of some blankets. I had a cold, my nose was completely stuffed up, and I'd forgotten my water bottle at home so I was very thirsty. Even so, that night remains one of my favorites of my entire life. When your older brothers were born, I didn't know my England family very well. But a couple months before you were born, I'd visited England for a couple weeks. I went to Scotland with my aunt (your mom), and we talked about what your name might be. I remember thinking that you were going to be the closest thing I'd have to a baby sister.
I have a cousin much closer in age to me (and, actually, it's her birthday today), and I always thought of her as my sister. Even so, as I grew up I always wanted a baby sister. Someone I could impart my accumulated wisdom to. Someone I could be immensely proud of as I watched them grow up. Someone who could be the flower girl at my future wedding. So when I found out my aunt was pregnant with a girl, I was ecstatic. I love your older brothers with all my heart, but the idea of having another girl in the family was very exciting.
But back to the day you were born: I had been tossing and turning for a couple hours before I heard my phone chime- signaling that I had a message on Facebook. At this point, I knew two things: You were due very, very soon and Facebook was my only form of communication with the England family (at that point). So, I rolled over and checked my phone. It was a message from our Nana, saying that my aunt (your mom) had gone into labor. It was very early California time, and I'd signed up to help make breakfast for the whole high school the next morning. Still, I stayed up until you were born. Our Nana gave me updates periodically, and I was one of the very first people to know your name.
Last March, I got to meet you for the first time. For a two year old, you were quite sarcastic, with a definite flair for the dramatic. I was very proud. I went to your Sabbath School with you. We read stories, danced in chapel rooms of a college dorm, and blew bubbles. You made me laugh and smile, and since I came home I've missed you very much.
This is all to say that you are one of my favorite people. You have been there for some of my favorite memories, you make me laugh, and you really are the closest thing I have to a baby sister. Plus, I have another person to talk to about Jane Austen when you get a little older. I know, I'm pretty far away right now. And I know, you'll probably never read this. But even so, I hope you know how much I love you and how much I miss you. But, if all goes according to plan, I'll be real close in about a year. Either way, I'll see you soon.
Love,
Me
To all the Incoming Freshman Girls
Originally published on August 16th, 2018
To all the incoming Freshman girls,
Welcome! The next four years of your life are going to go by at a crazy, lightening fast speed, so hold on to your hats and take it all in. As someone who has just graduated about two and a half months ago, I thought I'd compile my best advice into this open letter for all of you. So here we go:
Find the people who don't make you feel like Freshmen. There are definitely doing to be the people who see you and don't want to give you the time of day simply for the grade that you're in. There are going to be the people who tell you to move so they can sit where you are, and there are going to be people who scoff when you express a fear about your first time taking finals. But there are also going to be the people who don't make you feel like that. There will be people who will lift you up and show you how to be the person you want to become. There will be people who support and encourage you, and there will be people who remind you to keep breathing when life knocks all the air out of you. Find those people, and remember them when you're no longer a Freshman.
If you're anything like me, you are going to fall into a deep infatuation with two people. One is going to be your complete opposite, but will probably have a few amazing qualities that will make you overlook all the stuff you'd normally run far away from. The second will be someone who you think is perfect. They'll be kind, they'll make you laugh, and they will make your life seem better than you thought possible. What possible trait do these two people have in common? They'll both break your heart. In different ways, mind you, but they will. Learn from each heartbreak. Remember that you are so incredibly young and have so much life left to live. Remember to surround yourself with good things and remember to let go when you need to. Someday you'll find someone who won't break your heart, and the people who have will be like the stepping stones to that person.
Find a strong group of friends, but be willing for that group to change. Find a group of girls who make you feel strong, and powerful, and talented, and beautiful. Find them so you have someone to cry with when you go through the heartbreak, and someone to laugh with when life hands you something so beautiful you don't know what to do with yourself. When the group changes, let it. Time will change people, and that's okay. Make sure you have those few friends that will always be there, even if you move away. Find a boy who is a friend, and will always be a friend and nothing more. Find him so you have someone to go to the banquet with when you really want to go with someone. Find him so you have someone to protect you when you're scared but to still show you you're brave enough on your own. Find him so you have someone to look at stars with when you're sad.
Don't fight the other girls. If you like a boy and he likes another girl, don't hate her. You'll waste energy that could be spent writing the next great novel or practicing for an audition. Don't hate her. It isn't worth it. Lift each other up, because there are enough problems in this world and we don't need girls picking on other girls for reasons that will just seem silly four years down the road.
Figure out how to curl your hair, or at least find a friend who knows how and can do it for you before your first big Christmas event. Trust me, in four years you'll thank yourself. Wear makeup if you want to, but don't feel like you have to. Cut your hair, or grow it out forever. Wear the clothes that you like. Use a really colorful backpack or a black one. In the end, these things don't really matter, but in a way they do. So do what you makes you happy, because how you felt is all you'll remember later.
Do all you can to open as many doors as possible. Join choir and drama if you want to go into musical theatre. Do sports if that's what you love. Study really hard for all your tests and quizzes. Don't give up. Get involved. Be kind. Find a song that you absolutely adore and play it all the time. Read good books. Go to the birthday parties. Remember that there are things you need to worry about, but there are so many things that you really don't have to think about yet. Believe in yourself, because as cliche as that sounds, it's still very important.
Lastly, ignore all my advice. Sometimes, the best parts of your life happen when you say you're going to figure things out by yourself (this isn't always true, but sometimes it is). Part of the joy of finishing high school is looking back and knowing that you grew up a little bit. And no amount of homework, projects, or advice can make that happen. The mistakes that you make, the friendships that change, the broken hearts, and the old pictures where you tried to curl your hair and it didn't work out are the things that do. Those are the moments that make you look back and smile. So stand up as tall as you can, and go enjoy the next four years.
Love,
An Incoming (College) Freshman Girl
"Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final."
~ Rainer Maria Rilke
In My Backpack
Originally published on August 12th, 2018
I have an old tube of chapstick;
Multiple crumpled up ideas;
A few hand me down insecurities.
I have a broken watch;
An old train pass that probably expired last year;
Dreams that are growing ever so slowly.
I have a copy of my favorite book of poetry;
A thin sweater with a slightly torn sleeve;
A broken heart that is slowly mending.
I have a broken pen I’ve carried for three years;
Homework I should have turned in two months ago;
A pile of “um”s “yeah”s and “mmhmm”s.
I have perfume that hurts my head;
A few letters for my best friend;
A foggy memory of an untaken antidepressant.
I have a crunched up granola bar;
Another crunched up granola bar;
A prayer I’ve been saving for later.
I have a CD from 2007;
A stick of gum;
And the rough draft for this poem.
To My Class of 2018
Originally published on August 05th, 2018
Hello,
It's been a while, I know. We graduated two months ago, and for some reason that feels like a lifetime ago. It's been a while since I've written a piece in which at least one of you played a important part. Since graduating, many of us have started forming our lives into what we want them to look like. We've gotten jobs, traveled a bit, and, for some, have seen each other for what may be the last time for a while.
I don't know what the next year has in store for you. I don't know if I'm going to see any of you again. I don't know a lot of things. But there are a few things I know for sure, and there are a few things I wanted to let you know. Take this as my final piece of knowledge and advice I can give you:
To the future teachers, remember kindness. Remember the teachers you've had that impacted your life. Remember to teach love and peace. Teach your students writing, and teach them empathy. Teach them math, and teach them joy. Teach them to remember their worth, and teach them to believe in themselves. Remember that no matter how stressed, or tired, or angry with the system you may get, you are doing a good thing. You are instructing the next generations. You are impacting what our world could look like. Take that seriously, but every so often don't forget to take a step back and look at your students. Look at their faces- how full of ideas they are. Cultivate a child's joy, and don't lose your own joyful spirit. You are going to be the teacher someone remembers.
To the future doctors and nurses, I don't know how you do it. I have already seen you studying for these upcoming years, and I have no doubt in my mind that you will get there. You will be the person people go to when the worst happens (though some may be there for the best moments life has to offer). Please do not be afraid. Please do not forget to breathe in the wake of disaster. Please always remember why you started, and where you want to end up. You want to help people, and I admire that greatly. You are capable.
To the future entrepreneurs, I believe in you. You have ideas worth sharing, and you have ideas that no one else has. I've seen you present speeches and tell stories. I've witnessed your imaginations in action. Put it to good work and I know you will end up where you want to. I know things won't always be perfect or go according to plan, but I also know that you have the courage, the heart, and the spirit to keep going after what you want even when it's hard. You are a storyteller, use those stories for good. Use them to create the businesses we need. Your ideas can change the world.
To the artists, I hope to see you soon. Whether you draw, or paint, or write, or act, you are very talented. I've seen you share your work, no matter how afraid you may have been. I've watched you grow in how you express yourselves, and I know that growth will only continue. Use your art (whatever it may be) to scream out your anger, cry out your sadness, and dance out your happiness. Remember that we are all artists, no matter what our medium may be. If you make music, use the instruments and melodies to reach the deepest parts of people's souls. Music can do that in a way nothing else can. If you write, remember that dialogue is also music. If you draw, remember that there is beauty and grace in everything. Artists, don't let yourself get burned out. Art is living, and there is no easy way to put pain and heartache into something beautiful without reliving it again and again. Take time for yourself, and remember to take a step back to view things from every angle. There may be something magical just around the corner. You are the magic in this world.
To the undecideds, you are braver than I will ever be. Keep going into the unknown. Trust yourself. Trust that you know what you want, and trust that even if you aren't completely sure of even that, you will eventually find your place. Think of a time when you were unsure, and think of the time right after that when everything became what it was always supposed to be. That will happen again- always remember that. Whether you become a healer, a fighter, a thinker, or an explorer, keep believing that you will fall into the right things. The best parts of this world were created by those who were unsure. You are courageous.
To all of you, I hope I will never forget you. High school had it's many ups and downs. There were moments when I wanted to leave, but there were certainly moments where I wanted time to stop so I could stay in moments forever. In our time together, we got lost in our purposes and got lost of purpose. We ran miles and lost battles. We loved and fought and laughed and cried. I loved spending my last two years of high school with all of you, and I honestly can't wait to see what you all do with your lives.
When you think you're at the end of your road, look up and believe that there is something better out there. When you feel that you've drifted off to far, look down and let your fears settle. Always find things to be thankful for, and cry when you need to (instead of waiting until your Parent Tribute so you sob through the entire thing and no one knows what you're saying... or the equivalent of that).
Keep getting lost. Keep doing what you know is the right thing to do. Keep finding the funny side of every story. Keep changing your minds. Keep bravery in your left pocket and kindness in your right. Keep your head up. Don't listen to the people who say you can't do whatever it is that you want to do most. Remember that fear is a liar, and remember that you are all so brave. Remember that there is a time and a season for everything, and you can go at your own pace. You are loved.
I love you. Thank you for everything.
~ Claira
"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places." ~ Roald Dahl
Books I've Read & Places I've Loved: July 2018
Originally published on August 02nd, 2018
Well, July is over and my oh my what a month it was. This month felt a lot like June at the beginning, with the theatre internship most evenings and mornings spent watching The West Wing and struggling to write in my journal. Once tech week for the theatre hit, however, everything picked up. I saw opening night of The Music Man, and felt an overwhelming pride for how far I've seen the actors come. I went to France and Luxembourg, and that was really good for so many reasons. As you'll see, I didn't read anything, but I did a lot of other good things.
BOOKS I'VE READ
This month, like June of 2017, I didn't read anything. The first part of July was intense, and I felt bogged down by a lot of things, including reading and writing. I didn't post anything to this website the last couple of weeks, and fill that extra time with reading. So what did I do instead? I made myself live. I finished my internship with a theatre, and I went to France and Luxembourg. I got out of my own head. I forced myself to sit and not think about anything except for what was right in front of me. I have books ready to be read in August, but honestly I'm very happy that I didn't read anything in July.
PLACES I'VE LOVED
Paris, France
I had been wanting to go to France (and Paris in particular) since I was twelve. I'm so excited to write about my experiences in the three cities I went to, but for now I'll just say that Paris is beautiful, but it's beautiful in different ways than what I was expecting. Cobblestone streets aren't as common as I'd thought, but pigeons that follow you everywhere certainly are. The city doesn't smell like cherry blossoms or daisies or roses, it smells like a city.
Marseille, France
Marseille was probably my favorite part of the trip. A city in the south of France, Marseille is known for it's soap, which I found random yet delightful. While there, my mom and I went to a market place that had been set up right across from our hotel, where we bought souvenirs for everyone back home (and for ourselves, too). Speaking of hotels, our room had a terrace, and we spent part of both our nights there sitting outside and observing the goings on from above. It was truly a beautiful place, and I would go back in a heartbeat.
Dommeldange, Luxembourg
When thinking of things we could do while in France, I kept wondering if there was any way we could leave and go to a surrounding country for a little bit. I remembered learning about Luxembourg in Sophomore year World History (it's capital is Luxembourg City, which is very helpful when you need to learn all the countries and capitals), and figured that since it's such a small country, it wouldn't be hard to pop over for 24 hours. So my mom and I took a train, and spent one night in a Double Tree hotel while we watched TV in English for the first time in a few days and ate pizza. It was an odd way to spent our time in a new city, but it was fun nonetheless. In the morning we went for a walk in the nearby neighborhood, and it was quite beautiful. The walls were colorful and there were lots of flowers. To me, it actually felt a little bit like England, except almost everyone spoke German.
I came into July feeling very unmotivated with this blog. I've had it for over a year and a half now, and somewhere in June I lost my love for it a little bit. So I took a two week break and focused on two other things that I love- theatre and traveling. I needed to get out of my own head so that I could step back, see this blog for what it is, and come back feeling like I actually had things to write about. August is going to be good. I have posts read to go up that I am very proud of (some of which I have been working on since March). My motivation for this blog that I love so much is back, and I'm excited to see what the rest of this year has in store.