Books I’ve Read & Places I’ve Loved: March 2017
Originally published March 30th, 2017
"Books I've Read & Places I've Loved" is a series where I talk about, yup, the books I've read and the places I've loved in a particular month (my titling skills are exquisite as we all know ;-)).
Ahhh, March. The month of spring, rain, and St. Patrick's Day. For me, this was also the month of book reports on Pride & Prejudice, quizzes on the periodic table, and road trips to Portland, Oregon. I hope you all had a fantastic month, and I also hope you're excited for April (I know I am, although the first week is going to be insanely busy with the Les Mis performances). Anyways, without further ado, here are the books I read and the places I loved this month:
BOOKS I'VE READ
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle
Remember how last year I pretty much just read the Harry Potter series? This year seems to be the year I'll be reading this entire quintet. I've had the series since I was around eleven or twelve, but they've sat on my bookshelf ever since. I'd only made it to the end of the second chapter, and I have no idea why I never continued reading. I'm glad I finally finished it, because I can see now that I missed out on a lot. The dialogue is beautiful, the story is captivating, and it got me into the habit of reading before I got to sleep rather than be on my phone until 1:00 a.m. (yes that's late for me...).
PLACES I'VE LOVED
Crepes & Burgers
I mean, the name itself should tell you how excited I was for this place to open. Ever since I moved, this place has been in the process of being built and then in the process of opening. Every time my mom and I would drive past, we'd try to look in the windows to see how they were coming along. So when it FINALLY opened, we... waited a month and a half before we went. Despite the wait, it was definitely a fun experience. If you were wondering, my mom and I got burgers (vegetarian ones), and my grandparents both got crepes. Next time I have a feeling it will switch. And yes, I said next time because this place was amazing and I can't wait to go back.
Portland, Oregon
Since my mom and I had different spring breaks this year, we only had time for a long weekend trip up north to Portland, Oregon. Despite the short amount of time that we had, we managed to fit a LOT into the few days. We went to Powell's City of Books (more on this later), the Portland Art Museum (where we spent a rather alarming amount of time looking for the Impressionism), and went on a lovely and education coffee tour with one of my mom's friends from college. The picture above was taken while we were walking back to our hotel. Anyone who knows me will know that I LOVE brick buildings (it's become an obsession, really), so I was already happy to see the building. But when I saw that there was a painting on it, I had to take a picture as well. As I wrote on my Instagram post about it: "There's something about this that I love, but I'm not quite sure what it is. I think that's the point of art, though. It's supposed to make you feel something, even if you don't know what that something is."
Guinea Pigs & Heartbreak
Originally published on March 26th, 2017
My guinea pig, Scout, died on March 02nd, 2017. I had been at a Barnes and Noble with my grandparents and when I came home I could just tell that something was wrong. She died within the hour. I had noticed something was different with her a few days earlier, and I'd been trying to spend extra time with her just in case. She wasn't with me for very long, only a little over seven months.
I got Scout on July 22nd, 2016, and she was very tiny. I had gone to Petco with my mom and grandmom, and we had passed the cage of guinea pigs and there was this little black one with a white spot and an orange one just staring up at me. I looked down at her and after a moment or two my mom said to me "will she heal your heart?" and I'm guessing I nodded or something because before I knew it, I was sitting in the car holding a guinea pig. We snuck her into my grandparent's house without my grandfather figuring it out (although we later needed him to help situate her water bottle so he found out within half an hour), and I spent the rest of the day getting to know my new friend.
So what did my mom mean by "will she heal your heart?" Well, here's the thing: I don't like to admit it when I'm heartbroken. I don't know if it's because I think I'll appear weak, or if I'm too much like Rory Gilmore and I simply don't want to wallow, but I just don't like to admit it. Unfortunately, this inability to feel my heartbreak led to me going to a camp meeting and jumping into a situation where I was bound to be greeted by my heartbreak and live through it all over again. Why did I think going to camp meeting was a good idea, you may ask? Because, for goodness sake, I will not defeated by my heart! However, I ended up crying in my tent on my second night and then going home the next day.
Having Scout gave me something to focus my energy on. Not only was I still heartbroken, but I had just moved and I was missing my old friends and the nerves of starting at a new school were starting to come in. She distracted me and became my sounding board for everything that was going on in my mind. My fears of starting at a new school were somewhat calmed, and when I couldn't sleep I had someone to talk to. My previous guinea pig, Bugsey, had died that April and I was still feeling lonely after that. I'd had him for over five years, and I got him after a particularly rough year of school. He had been that sounding board for a long period of time, and I still miss him, just like I still miss Scout.
I'm not sure about the exact time frame, but I know that my mom's guinea pig Squeaker had died shortly before I was born. When Scout died, my mom told me that every guinea pig comes into our lives for a reason, and when they leave maybe it's because there is something else that needs to come in. I needed Scout, whether just because I needed to sort through a heartbreak or because I needed a friend during some fairly lonely months at the end of last year. Either way, I'm glad I had her. My life is in a good place, and good things are happening. I still miss my baby guinea pig, but I'm thankful for the time I had with her, and I'm extremely grateful for all she did for me. <3
Me and Scout the day I got her <3
I Am a Perfectionist.
Originally published on March 23rd, 2017
I realized something about myself a couple weeks ago, although I think I've known it my whole life. I was sitting in my Spanish class and my teacher was talking to a girl in front of me. My teacher seemed happy to be talking to the student, and in my head I couldn't help but think that I wanted a teacher to like talking to me. It was then that I realized that it isn't just teachers I want to like me, I want everyone to like me. Here's the thing: I know not everyone is going to like me. I've heard this countless times in my seventeen years. However, does knowing something stop you from wanting it to be true? Not in my experience...
About a year and a half ago, I was sitting in my mom's room having one of those talks where I ask a question I've been thinking about for a while and then she comes back with a pearl of wisdom and possibly a Brené Brown quote (usually a Brené Brown quote... love you, Momma). On this day in particular, my mom skipped the quote and grabbed an entire book entitled Daring Greatly. There was something about not needing to be perfect, and how being imperfect can actually be a good thing, and then we both started to cry because that's just what we do sometimes. Remember when I talked about how much I love A Separate Peace? I was reading it at the same time I had this conversation, and I realized that the reason I was so jealous of my friends was because they seemed to do everything perfectly, so I felt like I had to do the same.
I tell you both of these stories because I am convinced that my want to be liked and my problem with perfectionism are related. I have always been a perfectionist. In fact, my very first journal has a three page entry (huge handwriting, but still) about how I felt like nothing I did was perfect enough, and I felt that I had to work harder than everyone else. I wrote this when I was around ten. When I was twelve and in sixth grade, I have very vivid memories of sitting at my purple desk and doing my science homework the night before it was even assigned because I knew I'd be able to jump ahead in other things.
I wanted to impress. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be perfect.
During elementary school, academics was the one thing I really prided myself on. I did assignments early, I asked for extra credit, and I would study for spelling tests while sitting on the bathroom countertop during lunch (another very vivid memory). As I've mentioned before, I didn't like football or soccer or basketball, and since I didn't think I was any good at them, I didn't try. My mindset was stuck in this idea of perfectionism from a young age. If I didn't succeed the first time, I forgot about it. I figured that people wanted me to be perfect, so I didn't let them see anything that wasn't.
This problem continued throughout elementary school and into my first year of high school. I had started taking guitar lessons in eighth grade (even though I've had my guitar since my eleventh birthday), but then quit because it was one more thing I was stressed out about. I kept playing, though, and I told some of my friends that I could. This then led to my sitting at the front of the chapel holding a guitar with one of my best friends sitting next to me. In hindsight, I probably should have realized that if the chord said D/F# and you don't know how to play it, you shouldn't just play a D and hope it sounds the same. Surprise, fifteen-year-old Claira, it won't. I left the chapel feeling embarrassed about both the chords I used and my strumming. I left my first period computer class and sat in the bathroom and tried not to cry. I was sure that everyone was going to judge me based on one performance. Unfortunately, I haven't played guitar in front of anyone ever since.
There are a bunch of other stories that I could tell about my history with perfectionism, but I'll save those for another day. For now, I'll say that I'm still working on not giving up on things just because I fail once. My biggest problem with all of this is that I figure that if I don't succeed in something, people won't like me. When I wasn't cast in Les Mis like I wanted to be, I assumed my music teacher didn't like me because my voice wasn't strong enough. When I failed a chemistry test a few weeks ago, I figured my chemistry teacher didn't like me because of it. My Sophomore year when I couldn't do a forward role in gymnastics, I was certain my PE teacher didn't like me. In general, if I can't do something right the first time, I'm sure I'll be disliked because of it.
Yes, I know this sounds ridiculous, and that's because it is ridiculous. My teachers don't hate me just because I can't do something as well as someone else. I'm not going to be judged for not being able to play guitar perfectly my first time playing in front of people. And I am certainly not going to go into gymnastics as a career, so really I shouldn't let the fact that I can't do a cartwheel bother me. I'm a perfectionist, but I'm learning to not let my imperfections bother me. It's a hard lesson to learn, but I'm working on it.
Why “Keeps Us Stargazing”?
Originally published on March 19th, 2017
"So Claira, why is "keeps us stargazing" the name of your website?" I realize in the "about" section I have explained very briefly, but allow me to go into further detail here. As you all know, this website is entitled KeepsUsStargazing.com, and if you've read the section I wrote in the "about" page, you'll know that this is because of a song originally sung by Kermit the Frog called "Rainbow Connection." My mom used to play the version by Sarah McLachlan when we'd be driving in the car, and I've loved it ever since I heard it for the first time.
Last July, when I was beginning to seriously contemplate have a website, I made a list of possible names for it. The first idea just happened to be KeepsUsStargazing, and that one stuck. If I'm honest, I don't remember the others, but I do know that there weren't many more. It wasn't until I was around fifteen that I started to consider "Rainbow Connection" my favorite song, but now if someone asks, it's the first thing that comes to mind. There is a line that says "Who said that every wish would be heard and answered/ when wished on the morning star?/ somebody thought of that, and someone believed him/ look what it's done so far/ what's so amazing that keeps us stargazing/ what do they think we might see" As I've said, I've interpreted this to be asking why we think wishes on stars do so much, and what is it that keeps us wishing? What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing?
There is a second reason I chose this name that I haven't mentioned before. One of my favorite cities is Los Angeles (yes, Momma <3), and one of my favorite places in the whole wide world happens to be The Griffith Observatory. Last March I visited it four times, and now I can find my way around it with ease. My favorite place in the observatory is the wall that I lovingly refer to as the "star wall." The wall demonstrates what your fingertip covers if you were to point at the sky. It is covered in stars, and every time I visit I sit on the bench across from it and make a wish on the brightest star in the top left corner. It's a simple tradition, but I love it all the same. There is something about that wall that makes me realize how small I am in this world, and somehow that is both humbling yet inspiring to me.
So why "keeps us stargazing?" Because I believe that wishes on stars are important. The simple traditions that we faithfully keep and the lyrics that speak to our hearts are important. The little things in life that make us happy, like a cup of tea or an afternoon walk, are important. This website was created not only so I could have a place to throw all my ideas, writings, poetry, and photographs, but also to put more simple happiness into the universe. So there you have it, the stories behind the name. I hope you can all find a star to wish on, or something else that simply makes you happy.
Changing the World
Originally published on March 16th, 2017
Yesterday I was told that I can’t change the world. As an idealist, this stung a little bit. When I was a kid I had a picture in my room that said “Someday I will change the world,” and a part of me always figured that it was true. Last year, my world history teacher told our class that any of us could be President, any of us could be doctors or lawyers or teachers or whatever we wanted to be, and any of us could change the world. My mom and grandparents always tell me that I can do anything if I put my mind to and want it badly enough. Put simply, I’ve always been surrounded by people who are encouraging and positive. Being told that I couldn't change the world didn't feel great.
Last night after I was told this, I was sitting cross-legged on my bed with my chin in my hands. I found it strange that being told I couldn't change something was affecting me so much, but it was. I've always thought that I was put on this earth to make people happier and to help them. I'm still not sure how to do that yet, but I'm trying.
I'm trying.
After a few minutes of sitting, I realized why I had been affected by this so much. Not only had I been told that I couldn't change the world, but I had been told that because I can't, I shouldn't even try. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. Why should I stop trying to make the world a better place just because I can't change everything? I might be able to change something, but if I go through life thinking that I shouldn't even try, that one thing may never change. I am such an advocate for random acts of kindness because I believe that they cause a domino effect. If one person smiles at someone one morning, that person may hold a door open for someone else. That person may ask how someone is doing, and that person may finally be able to say what they've been thinking for weeks. That person may then feel better, and that person's day could be changed.
Being told that I can't change the world just made me want to change it even more. I guess I'm stubborn, but in this case, I think that's a good thing. There are always going to be people who are negative and who try to make you feel like you can't do something. Changing the world is a big job, and one person can't do it by themselves. But if we all were to realize that by joining together and doing something nice for other people could change something, we could change the world.
So do something nice for someone else. Smile, hold a door open, ask how someone is doing, just do something. We can't stop trying just because we can't change everything, because by trying to change everything we may still change something. We can change the world, we just have to believe that we can.
Best Friends
Originally published on March 05th, 2017
One of my best friends came to visit me last week, just because. She was on break and I wasn't, and since we hadn't seen each other since October (October.), she came up to visit. She stayed the night and we talked about things we hadn't been able to talk about since we went to school together. We walked to a nearby Starbucks and then went to a Petco and bought treats for my guinea pig, and then the next day she went to school with me and met some of my friends up here. It was good to see her, but it also reminded me of how much I've missed her since moving away.
Last week I mentioned how I'm not the best at making friends. In fact, my friendship with this particular person began in the Freshman line on our first day of high school when I hit her with one of my two backpacks (yes, you read that right. Two backpacks... I definitely looked the part of a Freshman). I remember offering to help her open her locker and then forgetting to and having her say "Wait that was you??" two years later. Obviously we didn't start off great, but she's remained one of my best friends ever since neither one of us ran across the street while on a field trip of sorts and started talking about what we want to be when we grow up (we both wanted to be authors, just in case you were wondering).
My first day at my new school also happened to be her first day at her new school. Even though we were a few hours apart, it was still nice to know that I wasn't completely alone in my newness. That first day was difficult, as was the second day. In fact, the first few weeks were really hard. Gradually, however, I began to find my place in my new surroundings, and by the beginning of October, I had begun to feel far more comfortable talking to people.
Having my best friend visit for even a short amount of time was absolutely wonderful, and it made me think of a couple things. Firstly, as I mentioned earlier, it made me remember how much I miss her. Watching her drive away really sucked, but the fact that she started texting me as soon as the car disappeared from my sight reminded me why we're friends. Secondly, having her at school made me realize how far I've come from that girl who was slouched down in her mom's car on the first day almost seven months ago. If one of my friends from my previous school had visited in September, or even October, I would have clung to them as if it was the only way I'd survive. Last week, I obviously still clung to my friend because, hey, I hadn't seen her in like almost five months and I'd missed her a lot. However, I still found myself talking to other people around me, and I realized that I never would have done that had my friend visited earlier in the year.
Moving is hard. I've done it twice now, and although it doesn't get easier, I've found that once I do it I'm happier than I was before. I've made friends at this new school, and I've met people I'm sure I'll stay friends with for a really long time. But I've also made a conscious effort to stay in touch with those friends I made two years ago. I really lucked out at my old school in terms of friends. They are some of the smartest, funniest, and loyal people I have ever met. I also really lucked out at the school I'm currently at. The people I've become friends with make me laugh, help me succeed, and have been supportive and kind since day one, even if that first day was hard. I guess what I'm saying here is thank you to everyone I've become friends with who continue to be some of the best people I know today. I don't know what I'd do or who I'd be without you. <3
I Cut My Hair and My Reasons Are Three-Fold
Originally published on March 02nd, 2017
So, last week I cut my hair. I have my reasons, and they are three-fold. They are as follows:
1) Wanting to see if I can handle going away from a detailed plan and doing something that is somewhat impulsive,
2) Wanting to challenge the confidence I think I've found in the last few years while having long hair.
3) Missing having short hair/wanting the freedom of having short hair.
These are all things that I was reminding myself of when I was sitting in the chair watching the very nice woman behind me chop off seven inches of my hair. Before I delve into why I wanted to cut my hair, let's look at why I grew it out in the first place...
When I was in third grade and then later in seventh grade, I cut my hair really short (not really, really short, but short). I liked it at first, and slowly began to hate it. All the other girls in my class had very long hair, and having shorter hair seemed like one more thing that made me different from them. Looking back at pictures of me from both grades, I'd say the color of my hair was more noticeable than the length, but whatever. Right before my eighth grade graduation, I got a trim and bangs, and I vowed to grow out my hair so that when I graduated high school my hair would be beautiful, long, flowy, and worthy of envy.
This is how we come to my first reason for wanting short hair. I'd had this plan for almost three years, and my high school graduation is starting to sneak up on me. I'm not a spontaneous person, and I very rarely do something impulsive. In fact, I think I can count on one hand the times I've slipped away from something I had planned out carefully. I am also someone who finds it hard to leave a plan behind, so the fact I didn't think about cutting my hair off too much before actually doing it is surprising. However, if I'm honest, this was the easiest reason to follow through with. I mean, I already cut my hair. I know I can go away from a plan and be okay with it. I love having short hair, and I hadn't realized how much I missed it until I had it again.
My second reason for wanting to cut my hair was to challenge my confidence. In the last two years, I've grown my hair out to the longest it's been and my confidence has been the highest it's ever been, and I wanted to make sure those two things weren't related. I don't want my confidence to come from what I look like, although I still think it's important for people to like how they look. I want my confidence to come from the inside. I want to be able to try new things without worrying about looking silly or stupid while doing it. I don't want my hair to be a security blanket of sorts that I use to cover up the things I don't like about myself. This is hardest part of my cutting my hair, and hopefully I learn something new about myself and grow.
My final reason for cutting my hair is the simplest: I wanted short hair. When I was younger I loved having short hair because I thought I looked older. I wouldn't say that now, but I still love it. My hair feels healthier and my head is definitely lighter than it was before. When I say I wanted "the freedom of having short hair" I mean the freedom from having huge knots and tangles in the back, but I also mean what I mentioned earlier: the freedom of changing my mind and doing something that wasn't planned.
So, yeah. I cut my hair. It's pretty short, but I still love it. Oh, and happy March everybody! Even if it isn't something as drastic as cutting seven inches off your hair, I hope you can find something new that makes you happy this month.
Before...
... After :-)
Books I’ve Read & Places I’ve Loved: February 2017
Originally published on February 26th, 2017
"Books I've Read & Places I've Loved" is a series where I talk about, yup, the books I've read and the places I've loved in a particular month (my titling skills are exquisite as we all know ;-)).
We've made it to the end of February! If your month was anything like mine, it wasn't necessarily busy, but it felt long. This is around the time of year where I tend to feel stuck and want to do something new and exciting. I went through the typical period of wanting to cut my hair, but instead of deciding against it I just went ahead and did it and now I have roughly seven inches less of hair than I did at the beginning of the month. Even though this month felt extremely long, I was able to find some ways to make it feel exciting through the books I read and the unordinary places that I visited. I hope you all had a great February, and that March will be wonderful as well!
BOOKS I'VE READ:
milk and honey by rupi kaur
After writing my last poem, I went looking for some poetry collections to read to gather some more inspiration. I wasn't able to relate to everything that is written about in this book, but I still found it extraordinary. Sometimes extraordinarily heartbreaking, but still extraordinary. One of my favorite poems is one called "grounded" and it reads: "most importantly love/ like it's the only thing you know how/ at the end of the day all this/ means nothing/ this page/ where you're sitting/ your degree/ your job/ the money/ nothing even matters/ except love and human connection/ who you loved/ and how deeply you loved them/ how you touched the people around you/ and how much you gave them" This book is split into four chapters: the hurting, the loving, the breaking, and the healing. The last chapter was definitely my favorite, but I found my self underlining phrases all the way through. I highly, highly, highly recommend it.
Rainbow in the Cloud: The Wisdom and Spirit of Maya Angelou
This little book is a collection of quotes from Maya Angelou's essays, poems, books, and interviews. It's not long, only a little over 100 pages. I read in on a Tuesday evening when I didn't have much homework and was feeling a little anxious and just a little off. I've had this book since I was fourteen, but had only read the first section. I'm guessing I stopped reading it around the time I moved and never picked up again until now, two moves later. Over half of it is now underlined, and there are small green post-it notes scattered around the pages to mark quotes I loved to much to only underline. I have a feeling that this will be a book that I will often return to.
PLACES I'VE LOVED:
A Nursery Somewhere I'd Never Heard Of
This nursery was soooo wonderful to visit. I love flowers, and being surrounded by them on every side was really lovely. Being there made me want to buy all the seeds and start my own garden, but then I remembered that I'm not the best gardener and may end up killing all the plants in the process, so I decided against it. It was still so nice to be around flowers and the coy fish in a small pond were pretty cool too.
The Petco Near My House
So... I didn't get a picture, but this place was most definitely a favorite of mine this month. One of my best friends came to visit me last week, and while she was here we walked to the Starbucks near my house, and then across the street to the Petco. We walked around looking for fish, which we unfortunately did not find. Eventually, I bought some guinea pig treats (because why not), and then we talked to the cashier for a few minutes. She was really nice, too. It was a simple place, and it's a simple story, but it all really made my night.
Me? Athletic?
Originally published on February 23rd, 2017
Up until around the age of twelve, I never thought I was the kind of person who could be considered "athletic." Sure, I took ballet and tap classes between the ages of five and ten, but I have yet to meet someone who doesn't dance who still thinking of dancing as a sport. I started taking swim lessons at nine, and joined a swim team when I was twelve, and that was around the same time I started to think of myself as being athletic.
The school I went to from kindergarten to eighth grade had a sports day where all day everyone was split into teams and went around doing multiple sport-like things. I really loathed Sport's Day. It wasn't just that I felt bored most of the time, I just didn't like feeling incapable of doing something, and that happened to be my main feeling every Sport's Day. I didn't like running in the running races, or throwing a football, or jumping over a sand ditch thing. It wasn't that I was necessarily bad at any of those things, I just wasn't as good as everyone else. It took me a long time to realize that just because someone can run faster than you, that doesn't mean you can't run fast. At the time, I thought I must have been the most unathletic person on the planet.
Enter swimming.
Like I said earlier, I started taking swim lessons when I was nine. My grandparents found someone who could teach me and my brother at the health club near their house, and I instantly loved the pool and my teacher. At the end of the first lesson, I had learned how to get myself to float, which was something I had never thought I'd be able to do before. By the next lesson, I was able to propel myself forward by kicking my feet and having my hands crossed in front of me with my arms straight (does that make sense? I'm writing this pretty late at night and it makes sense to me but I'm not sure it will in the morning...). For the next few years, I found myself falling more and more in love with water and the feeling I got when I accomplished something new.
When I was doing PE at school, I still felt insecure and useless whenever we played football or soccer or volleyball, but when I would go to a swim lesson, I always felt like I could do whatever I was supposed to do. Right before I started sixth grade, my swim teacher said that she thought I was ready to join the swim team, and I got apprehensive when I learned that doing 60+ laps was a normal thing to do at 4:00 on a Monday afternoon. The most laps I'd ever done up to that point was around 15. But, I learned the drills and soon enough I was going to the swim practices every Monday and Wednesday.
The swim team wasn't competitive, so I don't have any stories about swim meets or anything like that, but I do have the memories of being able to say that I was on a swim team. I could feel myself improving every time I went, and I could feel myself getting stronger with each passing week. I don't remember when I first started to think of myself as athletic, but I do remember the first time I ever said it out loud. I was visiting my therapist (either #2 or #3, I don't remember...), and she had set up this project where I made this wheel thing and in each section of the wheel I wrote how I was in different parts of my everyday life. One section represented school, one represented how I was with my family, one with my friends, and another represented what I was like when I was swimming. I remember writing "athletic" and then reading it out to my therapist, and realizing that that truly was how I felt. I was surprised at myself.
When I was fourteen, I moved and left the swim team. I cried, my teacher cried, and I honestly haven't really swum (swum? that's a word, right?) very much since. I don't really know why, but I wish I'd done it more when there was a POOL IN MY BACKYARD BEFORE I MOVED THIS LAST TIME (seriously Claira, it was right there for two years and you didn't use it as much as you really should have. Goodness.). I may not swim as much as I used to, but I don't think I'll soon forget what it feels like to feel athletic. I still can't really play football, soccer, or volleyball (or basketball, or do gymnastics, or many other things), but I can definitely swim. Swimming is something that I really love to do, and I'm so thankful that I was able to do it consistently for five years of my life. It gave me the chance to feel good about myself in an area I wasn't used to feeling good about myself in.
(I should probably mention that I still have a strange fear of water that keeps me from diving too low beneath the surface, but that's not too important right now...) No one should feel like they can't do something when it comes to sports. Let's face it, sports are hard. They require a lot of energy and skill and the ability to not get hit in the face with a basketball four times in one PE class (true story), but when you find the sport that you love and makes you feel useful, it's and amazing feeling. It's certainly one of the most amazing things that I have ever felt.
I took this last summer at our pool before we moved :-)
Alone, But Not Lonely
Originally published on February 19th, 2017
"How many people liked #3 the best?" I heard my teacher ask. I raised my hand and was surprised to find that I was the only one with my hand up. In front of every student there was a paper towel folded in half with three apple slices. #1 was a granny smith, #2 was a fuji, and #3 was a gala. Over half the class raised their hands for #1, a few students raised their hands for #2, and I raised my hand for #3. After the apple tasting we were all taken outside to take pictures in groups. Everyone who liked granny smith apples took a picture, everyone who liked fuji apples took a picture, and I took a picture by myself.
This isn't a story I think of very often, but a couple weeks ago I found myself in the grocery store and my mom asked me to pick some apples. Without thinking, I took some that I thought looked the best, and they happened to be gala apples. I guess I haven't really changed much...
When I was younger, I was often by myself. For the majority of my elementary school years, there were only three girls in my class, and anyone who knows anything about groups of three girls knows that it's never a good thing. The other two girls would often stick together and I'd be the odd one out. Of course there were times when it would be me and another girl, but then the third would be on her own. It was never a very good system, but it continued all the way from first grade to eighth.
On my elementary school's playground, there was a cement curb that went all the way around. At the far end of the playground by the swings, the curb went out from the fence, forming a triangle pattern and a small ditch between the curb and fence. My vividest memories of my early childhood are of my sitting in this ditch looking out through the fence. While there, I would do many things. I'd befriend the ants that lived around the curb or I'd imagine that I was in a spaceship or Cinderella's carriage. I'd write stories or sing songs, and I'd always leave knowing that even though I was alone, I wasn't necessarily lonely.
Alone, but not lonely. This was something I was very good at when I was really little, and then slowly got worse at. I was okay with taking the picture by myself, and I wasn't at all upset when the pictures went on display on the class bulletin board. But as I've gotten older, I've had trouble being alone and not being lonely. Sure, if I'm alone for a long enough period of time I can trick myself into thinking that I'm okay with it, but I'm really not. You see, I am, as my mom often reminds me, definitely an extrovert. I always have been, but I wouldn't say I'm necessarily good at it. I'm not good at initiating conversations with people, and if there's a group of people that I'd like to join, I usually can't convince myself to and will simply stay in the background.
I don't think I was meant to be alone, at least not in the lonely sense. I'm trying to get better at being alone but still feeling okay, but I'm not sure I'm getting better at it. There are people I know who are excellent at making friends, and they're able to initiate a wonderful conversation with just about anyone, and I wish I were like that. To be honest, I don't have a conclusion for this essay, but maybe that's okay. Maybe I'll be more comfortable with myself someday, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see. For now, enjoy this picture that I took of gala apples, as a nice reminder of a time when I was alone but not lonely.
Paintdrops, Rooftops, and Poetry
Originally published on February 18th, 2017
I am not a poet, and I cannot draw
But I will read lines of great writers, and will stare at the brush strokes of Monet and Degas until the sun sets below the horizon.
I don’t like heights, and I am afraid of the ocean
But I will stare up at the moon from below and make wishes on stars.
I will put my toes in the waves and choose shells for my collection that my soul will forever hold close.
I don’t like the rain, and I am scared of the darkness
But I will sit at a window and trace the path of the water with my fingertips. I will whisper my secrets into the shadows and feel safe in knowing that they can never be repeated.
I may not be talented with a paintbrush, but I will still use words to paint a picture.
I may not like heights, but I will still dream of sitting on fire escapes in New York and feeling the breeze on my bare cheeks.
I may be afraid of the ocean, but I will stare in wonder as the waves move forward and back, forward and back, foward and back.
I may not like rain, but when it ends I will still jump into puddles and twirl my umbrella in my hands.
I may be scared of the darkness, but I still know that it brings the stars.
I may not be a poet, but I will still try.
Dear All the Luna Lovegoods
Originally published on February 18th, 2017
Dear all the Luna Lovegoods
Hello! I'm one too
I'm sometimes called looney
And it hurts, that's true
But darling, stand up straight, keep your head up, be proud!
For you are smart but believe the impossible
And that's a hard truth to be found
Your minds are filled with wonder
And your hearts are filled with love
And though mocked and made fun of
You will stand above
With the moon and the stars
And someday, with our minds, the world will be ours
To seek and discover all that lies
Although not everyone will see it with our eyes
Your intelligence is charming
And your quirks are quite daring
But, to be honest, some wish for a heart that's THAT caring
So, go on, keep living in that wonderful mind forget what those people say, you won't fall behind
The world was made for people who love logic and order
And though we sometimes like that too
We'd much rather border between
Impossible and possibly plausible
The moon is our best friend, and knowledge is what we look for
So put on your polka-dot shoes and step through that front door
Yes, you'll see tragedy and your kind heart will break
Because the world isn't always loving
It's a downright scary place
But if you need some encouragement, look no further than your name
For you are loving, and you are good
And "looney", though some think it should,
Is not always a bad thing
So go on, let your hearts and mind sing
About things that you know to be true and believe
And if you're asking me what I believe to be true?
Dear all the Luna Lovegoods,
I believe in YOU...
Why I Love "A Separate Peace" So Much (...because I love it an awful lot)
Originally published on February 16th, 2017
"A Separate Peace" is a book written by John Knowles, and I first heard about it when reading the summer reading list for Sophomore English in 2015. My mom bought me the book, and I sat in the corner of my bedroom and read it in about two weeks, underlying quote after quote as I went. Little did I know that we would later read it again during the school year (because apparently no one reads the summer reading...), but I was happy to read it again anyway.
As a quick synopsis, this book is set during World War II at an all boy's boarding school. It follows the story of Gene, someone who is definitely introverted and tries really hard, and his friendship with Phineas, someone who is friends with everyone and doesn't seem to try as hard but despite that is perfect at everything anyway. It was a bestseller for more than thirty years, and I'm not at all surprised. In fact, it happens to be one of my top five favorite books.
I was sixteen when I read it the second time, so the quote that says "Sixteen is the key and crucial and natural age for a human being to be, and people of all other ages are ranged in an orderly manner ahead of and behind you as a harmonious setting for the sixteen-year-olds of this world," was very special to me at the time. When I decided to write this essay, I flipped through the book and was greeted by all the places where I'd underlined things that made me laugh ("...That Student Who in the Opinion of the Athletic Advisory Excels His Fellows in the Sportsmanlike Performance of Any Game Involving Bodily Contact."), to the things that made me think ("Everyone has a moment in history which belongs particularly to him. It is the moment when his emotions achieve their most powerful sway over him, and afterward when you say to this person 'the world today' or 'life' or 'reality' his will assume that you mean this moment, even if it is fifty years past."). I really love this book, and yes, this essay will be full of quotes from it.
When I was sixteen I was surrounded by people who seemed to excel at everything they did, seemingly without trying. In this sense, I saw myself as Gene (it helped that my middle name just so happens to be Jean...), and saw everyone else as Phineas. Now, you should know that after moving to a new place, I tried really hard to always find good things to say about people and not be jealous of them, but around the same time we were reading this book I began to have trouble with not being jealous of some of my best friends. I wouldn't say that this book is is something you should model your friendships after (actually, I'm saying please don't model your friendships after this book, but you should still read it if you haven't), but it served as a sort of comfort for me in the late months of 2015. Seeing a character that I could see so much of myself in go through exactly what I was struggling with helped immensely. And I think that's why I love reading so much.
Reading helps me understand why I am the way I am. This book in particular is so important to me because it helped me not overcome my jealously, but come to terms with it in such a way that I was able to figure it out and talk to my friends about it. There are books that I've liked but wish I'd read at a different time in life because they probably would have helped me much more if only I'd read them earlier or later. And then there are those books that you read at exactly the right moment and that reach exactly the right part of you soul, and "A Separate Peace" is such a book. It starts off deep and gets deeper with every page. Whenever I am asked to recommend a book, I always say "To Kill A Mockingbird" first, but immediately follow with "A Separate Peace." If you haven't read it, do. It may not affect you as deeply as it did for me, but who knows. It might.
Things That Make Me Happy
Originally published on February 12th, 2017
I've talked a LOT about how finding things to be thankful for is so important for my happiness. So, I thought it would make sense if I made a list of the small things I'm thankful for/that make me happy:
1. Driving in a car and listening to music with headphones and my favorite songs.
2. Coffee.
3. Finding it easier to learn something in Spanish because I already learned it in French and it makes sense.
4. Finishing a really good book.
5. Walking around art galleries.
6. Candles.
7. Traveling somewhere new.
8. Buying new music.
9. Chocolate chip cookies.
10. Taking a picture and having it turn out really well.
11. Finishing a new story or song.
12. That feeling after laughing really hard for a long time.
13. Flowers.
14. Breathing in fresh air after a long period of rain.
15. Watching stars.
16. That moment before an airplane takes off when you're moving really fast.
17. Seeing my best friends after being away for a long time.
18. Sitting in the sun.
I know this was a somewhat strange post, but I couldn't think of anything else to write :-) We've made it to the middle of February, and in my 17 years I've noticed that this is around the time of year where people start to get antsy and ready for something exciting or spontaneous. So if you're like me and are ready for something new, find something ordinary that fills you with happiness, and savour those moments.
Me, feeling very happy after finding Tom Hanks' star in Los Angeles :-)
Nebraska Bound, Pt. 2 (or, Dreams Are Meant for Sleeping)
Originally published on February 05th, 2017
So, I went to Nebraska for four days. While I was there, I learned many things I didn't know before (some being that it's possible to eat too much watermelon and that apparently career tests show that I, a minor, would make a good bartender), and some things I already knew (I still don't like snow and I still can't function well without at least six hours sleep). I was able to meet with English professors and theater directors, and everyone was enthusiastic and encouraging. There were many aspects of the trip that I loved, but I think my favorite part would have to be seeing the theater department.
I think everyone has a moment (or a few) where they realize what they want to be when they grow up. When I was six, I realized that I loved books and writing and that I one day I wanted to write a book, and this is still true. When I was eight, I acted for the first time and absolutely loved it. For the last eleven or so years, my personality has revolved around my love of words and how they can be expressed through acting. I think part of the reason I've never hated it when books are made into movies is because I always "direct" the book in my head while I'm reading it anyway (although I think most people are like this as well so maybe it's something else...).
While I was visiting the theater department, the director took us to the green room and the prop room, and I almost broke down into tears. Like I said, I think everyone had a moment where they realize what they want to be when they grow up, and this was one of mine. I was overwhelmed by how happy I felt simply being the presence of a small, makeshift theater that I couldn't imagine how I would feel if working in theater became my full-time job. While in Nebraska, I was asked dozens of times what I want to be when I grow up, and every single time, whether I was talking to people in the theater department or not, I said I wanted to run my own theater company where I act, teach acting, sing, direct, and write plays to be performed. But this is what is called a dream job. It's not necessarily realistic (although I was told everytime that it wouldn't be hard to do as long as I had the passion, which I definitely think I do), and it would require a lot of bravery that I simply don't think I have yet. But it's still my dream.
I think when it comes to dream jobs, most people have a backup plan, and I am certainly no exception. My "problem" is that my backup plan is also a dream job: being a writer. I know I already technically call myself a writer, but one day I would love to be able to walk into a bookstore and see a book with my name on it sitting on one of the shelves. I guess I'm just stubborn... I refuse to work toward a job that will leave me wishing I were doing something else. But am I wasting my time working towards something that can never happen? Maybe. Will working towards what I really want require all the bravery I can muster? Most certainly. Am I willing to at least try? Yes, without a doubt. Maybe dreams are meant for sleeping, but I think it would be pretty sad if one day I were more excited about my dreams at night than about the hours I was awake.
So there you have it. My dream (and my backup dream) will not stay a dream while I have anything to say about it.
Books I’ve Read & Places I’ve Loved: January 2017
Originally published on February 02nd, 2017
"Books I've Read & Places I've Loved" is a series that I'm starting where I talk about, yup, the books I've read and the places I've loved in a particular month (my titling skills are exquisite as we all know ;-)).
This month started out fairly slow, and constantly picked up speed as it continued. Not only did I have finals and research papers due, but I also went to Nebraska for a college tour. I hope you all had a wonderful month, and hopefully February will be amazing for all of you!
BOOKS I'VE READ
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie
For a quick backstory, you should know that this wasn't the first time I've read this book. Actually, make that attempted to read. When I was around twelve, I was given a box of books for my birthday (the dream!), and this book happened to be in it. A couple years later, I was going through all my books deciding which ones I wanted to keep and which ones I figured would be appreciated more in other places. This book ended up being given away, and a few months ago I began to regret it. In my AP Language class, we read an essay by Sherman Alexie, and I loved it. When I realized that this was the same author who wrote "that book I gave away a few years ago," I went searching to find it again. About two months ago, I found it and picked it up.
Sorry for the long introduction, but I think it's a pretty cool story! Onto the book, though, I'm glad I picked it up again because I really loved it! It's about a thirteen-year-old boy who is half Indian and half white. The book is written in diary form (which is one of my favorite ways to read books!), and goes through his experiences as he tries to find a place in either of his two worlds.
PLACES I'VE LOVED
Lincoln, Nebraska
As some of you know, I am a Junior in high school. This not only means that I have to take Chemistry (I'm counting down the days until I'm done...), but it also means that I am beginning to look into colleges. Luckily, my school gives us a certain number of days off to go look at colleges, and I went on one of the trips between the 26th-29th of this month (a more detailed description is either already posted or will be shortly). I may not like cold weather or flying in planes very much, but I loved the trip. Getting to go to a new state with some of my friends was an experience I won't soon forget, and meeting with theater and English department directors is something I won't soon forget! The picture above is me in the Nebraska State Capitol, which has an exquisite library that I never wanted to leave.
Nebraska Bound
Originally published on January 26th, 2017
This post is scheduled for Thursday, January 26th at 6:35 a.m. If all goes according to plan, when you're reading this I will either be on, or have been on a plane headed to Nebraska for my first college tour. I've always loved the idea of college. Everything about it has always seemed very exciting to me. The idea of studying things that I love, being surrounded by buildings filled with people who love the same fields that I do, and, yes, even having a roommate has always appealed to me.
I've signed up to visit classes in English and Theatre, and although I'm slightly nervous (read: EXTREMELY), I'm even more excited! Hopefully, I will return with many stories, pictures, and memories that will last a lifetime :-)
No, this wasn't taken today (because, as mentioned earlier, I'm either already on the plane or in Nebraska. This is actually a picture of the San Francisco airport when I returned from England almost two years ago.
Imagine
Originally published on January 22nd, 2017
*in the originally publication of this post, I included a voice memo of me singing. Unfortunately, I was unable to carry that voice memo over.
(I've been a little bit political lately, and this post is no exception... I'll be back to talking about books and tea and happy things soon enough, but the following is something very important to me.)
Throughout my life, I have been lucky enough to be surrounded by women who constantly inspire me. I have been blessed with family members, teachers, and friends who lift me up and have made me who I am. Apart from those I know personally, I have read books written by women, watched movies directed by women, and listened to songs sung by women who inspire me constantly. So far, I can only count on one hand the times I've felt inferior simply because I'm a woman, and I think that's because of the positive environment I live in. But, unfortunately, this is rare. One of the things I believe in most is that women's rights are human rights. Women deserve equal treatment not because they've earned it or because they've fought long and hard for it, but because they are human beings living on the same planet as everyone else.
But women's rights are not the only rights I believe need to be protected. Throughout 2016, I read news article after news article telling me that men had been killed simply for the color of their skin, and my heart broke more each time. I cried when people were killed senselessly and mercilessly during countless shootings, and I have tried to understand why some people aren't respected simply because they weren't born in America. I have gotten knots in my stomach when I think of pollution and animals being extinct, and I worry incessantly about those who will be without access to affordable health care. So, I'm going to do something about the crying, the worrying, and the confusion. I'm going to sign petitions, donate money (when I can) to organizations that help countless people that may soon be defunded, and I'm going to be kind to people. As Martin Luther King Jr. once so wisely said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."
Put simply, I'm not done. Yesterday, millions of people around the world participated in the Women's March. These are people who believe that something needs to change, and these are people who are going to make those changes happen. I may not have marched, but I am going to do EVERYTHING I can to make good changes happen, and keep the good things where they are. Today I wrote to my state's representative and senator, and I'll leave a link to where I heard about it (as well as some others that I have found useful) at the end. I'd encourage anyone reading this to sign petitions, talk to people, donate (if you can), and volunteer for organizations that are helping those who need it right now more than ever.
I will also encourage you to be kind. If someone is crying, give them a shoulder to cry on. If someone is in pain, find them help. If someone just needs someone else to listen, lend them your ear. Do something kind for someone else everyday, even if it's the littlest of things, because one small act of kindness can have a ripple effect that can change the entire world. Never stop imagining a better world, because a small spark of imagination can prompt a plan, and a plan can become an action that changes things for the better.
Imagine - John Lennon (except I'm singing...)
Songs for the People - Frances E.W. Harper
Originally shared on January 19th, 2017
Let me make songs for the people,
Songs for the old and the young;
Songs to stir like a battle cry
Wherever they are sung.
Not for the clashing of sabres,
For carnage or for strife;
But songs to thrill the hearts of men
With more abundant life.
Let me make songs for the weary,
Amid life's fever and fret,
Till hearts shall relax their tension,
And careworn brows forget.
Let me sing for little children,
Before their footsteps stray,
Sweet anthems of love and duty,
To float o'er life's highway.
I would sing for the poor and aged,
When shadows dim their sight;
Of the bright and restful mansions,
Where there shall be no night.
Our world, so worn and weary,
Needs music, pure and strong,
To hush the jangle and discords
Of sorrow, pain, and wrong.
Music to sooth all its sorrow,
Till war and crime shall cease;
And the hearts of men grown tender
Girdle the world with peace.
~ Frances E.W. Harper
An Open Letter to Michelle Obama
Originally published on January 16th, 2017
Michelle Obama,
On November 4th, 2008, I was nine years old. I remember sitting with my mom on her bed and watching the election results come in. I remember she started to cry, and I remember realizing that I was watching something very important- something historical.
I have grown up with your husband as my President, and you as my First Lady, and I couldn't have asked for something better. Over the past eight years, both of you have constantly spoken that kindness and helping people are two of the most important things. I have never liked conflict, and I think that was why this most recent election was so hard. But there you were, speaking about kindness and going high when they go low, and that made everything much easier.
Aside from showing kindness to so many people, you have spoken about education. I come from a family of teachers, which has its pros and cons. However, I have never doubted that education is important, and I have tried my best to do as well as I could. Seeing someone speak so passionately about education was, and still is, inspiring to me. Thank you for showing that education and doing well in school is just as important as excelling in music or sports.
Throughout much of my childhood and early teenage years, I was afraid of looking silly. I didn't want anyone to laugh at me, and to avoid this I also avoided trying things that would have made for excellent stories. Seeing you, as someone in a position of power, not be afraid of looking silly was a wake-up call of sorts for me. Why should I be afraid of looking silly when the First Lady does it and people love her? Thank you for showing me that I don't have to take myself so seriously.
In your last speech as First Lady, you said that you hoped you made us proud. I can't speak for everyone, but I know that you made me proud to be both an American and a woman. I am so thankful that for the last eight years, I have had you to look up to. You have shown so many people what strong looks like, and I will be forever thankful for that. I promise to continue to try hard, and be kind to people. I promise to keep finding good, and to always find something to laugh about. I also promise to never forget these past eight years. Everything that you have done made this country better. And I promise, that for the rest of my life, I will do everything I can to make the world around me as good as it can be.
Thank you,
Claira Eastwood