Books I've Read & Places I've Loved: April 2018
Originally published on May 03rd, 2018
Oh my, April, you brought so much good with you. From the musical performances, to a spring banquet and music tour, I'm so thankful this month was what it was. I read many amazing books (some poetry- finally!), did some awesome things, and went to some really cool places. Here are the books I read and the places I loved this month!
BOOKS I'VE READ
Talking as Fast as I Can by Lauren Graham
I've mentioned Gilmore Girls a few times, but I don't think I've ever fully expressed just how much I love it. Her book goes through her journey to where she is now, and also chronicles her experience on Gilmore Girls, as well as Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. Reading this book felt like I was talking to her directly, like were just sitting on a couch and she was telling some of her favorite stories.
I recommend this book for: Anyone who is a fan of Gilmore Girls, Parenthood, or Lauren Graham.
I don't recommend this book if: You don't like any of the above or if you aren't a fan of memoirs.
Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
After four months of being in a musical preparation class, I made my way back to book club. This is the first book I've read since being back, and I finished it in two days. The writing is easy to read, but the story is incredibly deep. It's easy to get lost in, and that's one of my favorite feelings.
I recommend this book if: You like poetic writing, internal monologue, and a hint of mystery that unfolds throughout.
I don't recommend this book if: Rape is a trigger for you.
PLACES I'VE LOVED
My school's gym (again)
April brought the end of Pirates of Penzance, and while there were moments when I couldn't wait for April 8th, once it actually came around I realized how much I was going to miss this musical and all the people who helped make it what is became. Everyone pictured in the photo above affected my school year in a positive way, and I couldn't possibly be more thankful for them.
The Carmichael Public Library
On the Tuesday after all the musical performances ended, I found myself reading one of my poems to a group of people at a nearby library. Since I'd be preoccupied with the musical in the days leading up to this, I didn't really have time to be nervous. But around 5:00 on that Tuesday, the nerves set in. I was really, really worried about how it would go, but luckily I wasn't the only one who had never done an open mic before, and that definitely helped. The open mic went really well, and I'm glad I can check this off my bucket list before going back to do it again.
John's Incredible Pizza
This picture was taken in a photo booth at this year's SA spring banquet. If I'm being honest, this night wasn't my favorite considering it was from 11:00 pm - 1:00 am, but there were still some moments that I loved. Taking pictures in the photo booth with Annaliese was one of them, as was walking around in a long, green dress so I could look like Morgan la Fay (the theme was to come dressed as something that begins with the letter M).
Monterey Bay Kayaks
Over my final music tour, I seemed to do less singing and more unrelated activities, one of which was kayaking in Monterey Bay. I have a fear of water, and that fear is even bigger when it comes to the ocean. But I still went kayaking, and I'm very happy that I did. Annaliese was my boat buddy, which made things feel a lot safer for me. I wouldn't be surprised if I wound up kayaking again in the near future.
The Bay Area
Just in general, being the Bay Area for five days (ish) was really nice. Getting to walk down Pier 29 and eat strawberries, seeing the San Francisco symphony, and singing at Grace Cathedral were all incredible moments from this month. I love the Bay Area, and I've found that I seem to love if even more now that I've moved away. Returning to a place you lived (or lived near) makes you appreciate the ordinary beauty in it, and ordinary beauty is something I strive to see everyday.
Santa Cruz
I've said before that I grew up near the beach, but for some reason I always forget how much I miss it until I'm back with the sand and the waves. On the last full day of our music tour, we went to two beaches. The picture above was taken at the first beach, and I spent most of my time running through the waves and taking pictures with some of my favorite people. Being on the beach again after being away for so long was definitely one of my favorite things from this month.
April was a really good month. Towards the end I started feeling more stress than necessary, and I was fairly anxious all month, but overall it was still good. I went to a lot of good places and met some really cool people. The books I read were easy to get myself lost in, and that allowed me the chance to escape from my daily stresses and anxiety. May is looking like it'll be really hectic, but part of me is still looking forward to it. I hope you all had a good month of April, and hopefully May will be wonderful as well.
Healing in a School Parking Lot
Originally published on April 29th, 2018
When I was in seventh grade, I almost switched schools. There was a middle school near the school I'd gone to since kindergarten, and I was very close to transferring there for eighth grade. I was tired of being treated badly by the girls in my class, and I needed something to change. So my mom, grandmother, and I went to an open house for the middle school and looked around. I loved it. I wanted to go there. I didn't want to go back to my current school with the mean girls and busy work.
This wasn't the first time I'd thought of switching schools. When I was in fifth grade, I almost switched to a school that was mainly project based where you were in school for three days of the week and the other two were spent at home working on the projects. This wasn't a new idea, and the mean girls weren't new either. I'd never really felt like I fit in at that school. I went through puberty first which was a whole thing in itself, but I also had more acne, bigger hips, and blonde hair. These are awful things to have when you're thirteen and no one else is the same. (I would like to say, though, that because I went through puberty first, the acne was gone and the hips proportioned themselves out around the same time everyone else was just starting it all. That part was great.) This is all to say that I felt like the odd one out, and I was tired of it.
After school one day, my mom and I drove past the school to see what it was like before going to the open house. I was listening to a song by Tenth Avenue North called "Healing Begins," and as we past the campus this part of the song played:
This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The school I was at was creating problems for me. Not only was I feeling left out, but by time I was sitting in the school parking lot listening to the song, I was being ostracized by the other girls. It was a really bad time for me in many, many ways. I didn't end up going to that middle school for reasons that include a sense of wanting to finish what I'd started, feeling sentimental, and being afraid of change. But what I've realized since that day is while I may not have gone to that school, the healing began in that parking lot. It was the day that I realized I didn't have to be in a place that made me feel bad. I didn't have to put up with mean girls forever.
The following year I went to the Bay Area with my mom to look at the place we'd be moving to. While we were there I visited the school I'd be attending for the next two years (though at that point I assumed I'd be there all four. Ahh hindsight...), and I again found myself in a parking lot looking at a new school, one that I would actually go to this time. In the past year, somethings were better and some were worse. My anxiety was really bad but overall I was pretty happy. I was swimming a lot and learning guitar, but my life at school wasn't much better than it had been a year prior. As I looked at this new school, all I could hope for was that it would be a place where I could grow. Where I could grow into someone who knew what a friend was, who was far more confident, and who knew who she was. What I got was a school that, while taught me what a friend was, worsened my self-esteem and confused me as to who I was. When I left, all I wanted was a place that built me up.
In 2016 I found myself in two new school parking lots. One was yet another school I wouldn't go to (but would return to in November of 2017 to take my SAT), and the other was the school that I've been at for the last two years. In the first parking lot, all I could think of was how much it reminded me of my elementary/middle school, and instantly decided that it wasn't for me. But when I sat in the parking lot of the second school, all I could see was the trees, the brick buildings, and the fences. I had this sense of nostalgia for all I hadn't had at that school, and a sense of peace knowing that this was where I'd be going the next year.
I've sat in many school parkings lots thinking of that song by Tenth Avenue North, and each time I've been in a different place in the healing process. That first school was not a good place for me, but I needed it because that last year taught me a lot about myself. My first high school wasn't a great fit, but I still needed to be there because it also taught me things I needed to know for the school I'm at now. The school I will graduate from has been the best of all three, but it wasn't where the healing began.
The healing from bullies, bad family experiences, and perfectionism began that day in seventh grade when my mom and I sat in the parking lot of a school I would never go to. The healing began when I realized I wasn't in a normal environment and needed to go somewhere else. I needed all those parking lots to reflect on what was wrong at that moment and to think of everything I could change for the better. I didn't get the better life I wanted so badly right away, but the process of getting there began when I didn't even know it.
Me, at Eighteen and a Half (...almost)
Originally published on April 26th, 2018
Hi, my name is Claira Jean Eastwood, and I've been 18 for almost six months. Here's what I look like, in case you don't see me every day and you've forgotten:
In the past seven months since I made a post like this, a few things have changed. I still sleep in a twin sized bed, but my bedding has changed to a quilt with a red, yellow, and blue pattern on it with flannel floral patterned sheets (can you tell I'm really into the whole floral thing right now?). I have a weird bed chair thing that I use for writing these things because even though my desk is great for homework, I like to be a little more comfortable when writing for this blog. And, of course, I still have my moose, along with Dumbo and Peter Rabbit.
Often I can be found wearing my pajama pants with lemons on them, or my gray sweatpants. My NASA t-shirt is a current favorite, as is my gray and black baseball tee. My hair is down in it's natural state 80% of the time and in a french braid with a headband the other 20%. Most of my time is spent reading poetry, writing poetry, and watching random movies and nature documentaries I find on Netflix.
I've been waking up between 6:45 and 7:00 since the end of February, and I've noticed a significant difference in my mood. Since I'm up earlier, I get a handle on my day before I have to start getting ready. I drink my coffee (the whole chai/earl gray thing went out the window once I hit second quarter of my senior year), read a little bit from whatever book I'm currently reading (right now it's Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris), and sometimes watch something on Youtube. I've been using my Dumbo mug a lot recently, as well as my green polka dot one that my friend Mary got me for my birthday last year.
I start getting ready around 8:00 and the first thing I do is turn on Up First, which is an NPR podcast that catches me up on the news for the day. Each one is only about 12-15 minutes long, which is perfect for me. I get dressed (usually in my capris jeans, a t-shirt or sweater, and my knock-off birkenstocks or knock-off toms, because I'm cheap but like my feet to look fashionable) and then do whatever kind of makeup I'm in the mood for. I've been using eyeshadow a little bit more recently, and I use this pinkish brown color from The Body Shop. I have a tiny collection of lipsticks that I really like, and usually I pick one of those, but sometimes I just go with chapstick. It really does depend on my mood. I put on my gardenia and palm perfume because that's my favorite, and then I look in the mirror and try to tell myself something positive. Cheesy? Definitely. Helpful for positive thinking? Absolutely.
I like keeping flowers in my room still, and most recently I've had some purple ones that Annaliese got me after I did the poetry open mic. They sit by the orchid I'm trying to grow again after I watered it too much last year and it died. My favorite candle right now smells like oakmoss and sage, even though my mom insists that it smells like laundry detergent.
My days consist of going through my ten classes, reading whenever I get the chance, and writing posts for this blog. My favorite class is Film Appreciation, because it's giving me the chance to watch all the movies I've heard of my whole life but never got around to watching (Life is Beautiful, an Italian film, has been my favorite so far). I've been listening to a lot of musicals recently, mainly Amélie and Waitress, though Hamilton and Dear Evan Hansen still make their regular appearances.
I love having time by myself in the mornings, and going to class vespers and get togethers on Friday evenings. I love driving with Annaliese and sitting next to my friend Joe in math and Economics. I love adding commentary to the movies we see in Film Appreciation with my friend Hailee and hearing our teacher laugh at our comments. I love writing for this blog and talking with my teachers. I love going for walks with my mom and sunset runs on random Tuesdays. The last six months have been really great. Normally by now I'm at the point where I'm ready to get to the next to stage of my life, or just the next age. But right now I'm genuinely happy with being 18. I'm happy. I really am, and that's really good for me. I am currently very content with my life and all that it has going for it.
The Best Parts of My Childhood
Originally published on April 22nd, 2018
I haven't talked about my childhood very much, or really at all. When I've briefly mentioned it, all I've said it my life up until the age of 15 was kind of difficult. Today, I wanted to talk about my childhood, but the good parts. The following are stories, experiences, and moments that made my childhood good.
Scooters, Cats, and Chickens
When my dad moved to a place in almost the middle of nowhere, I wasn't so sure what to think. It was an apartment that sat above a mechanic (at least I think it was...). I was ten years old when my brother and I were moved into a giant bedroom with a couple dividers in the middle. For the days I was with my dad, I slept on a mattress that was on the ground with my polka dot blanket and blue canopy that hung from the ceiling. My dollhouse acted as a bedside table, and I put my glasses, princess clock that played music, and cup of water on the doll porch. I would slide around the apartment's tile floors with my socks, visit the chickens that lived only a few dozen feet a way, and, after Christmas 2010, rode my scooter around the whole place.
That scooter is one of my favorite memories of childhood. There was a giant hill that you had to go down to get to the apartment, and since we were in the middle of nowhere but for a few workers, there were hardly any cars. I quickly realized that if I pushed the scooter up the hill, I could cruise down the hill at top speed and then go around the entire apartment almost twice without doing any work. It was easily my favorite thing to do. I spent hours on that scooter, going up and down the hill, making up stories about what the house beyond the trees was like, and running through the field where the chickens lived. We also had a stray, black cat named Max who had a lost a small portion of his right ear. He appeared on my windowsill one night and returned for the next year and a half. I was devastated when my dad moved away and couldn't take Max with him.
You'd get to the apartment by going up the stairs. My bedroom was near the window on the far right and I slept right under it, where I could see the moon and some stars on clearer nights.
The Tale of Despereaux
Right after my parents separated, my mom moved in with my grandparents for a few months. We moved into their bedroom and they went downstairs. My mom and I shared their bed and my brother slept on a mattress on the floor. When we first moved in, my mom started reading The Tale of Despereaux to us. This is one of my favorite memories because it was really the thing that brought the three of us together into a new kind of family.
The Golden Buffalo
When we were ten and eight, my little brother and I asked my mom if we could have a dog. One of her friends had a golden retriever and my mom casually said that if she ever had puppies, we'd talk about getting one. Flash forward a year, and she had puppies. My mom, brother, and I drove down to a suburb of Los Angeles to meet our new puppy, who we would name Zi (pronounced like Z, the letter).
Zi grew very quickly, to the point where he'd bump into anything and everything without meaning to. He'd chew on the wooden gate we'd set up to keep him in the kitchen, and he scared me horribly for the first couple of years (I grew up being very afraid of dogs). But he made everything funnier, and he brought more joy into our house than had ever been there before. He made me feel safe, and he fixed a lot of the sadness that had enveloped our little family. I don't know where we'd be without Zi and all his hyper, buffalo-like love.
Baby me with a baby Zi :-)
Princess Beds, Blueberry Pancakes, and Ducklings
When I was little, my brother and I would often have sleepovers at my grandparents house. At their house there was a queen sized bed with a gold, metal headboard. I called it the "princess bed" because I always felt like a princess when I slept in it. The carpet downstairs was different in each room, and when my grandparents changed it so it all matched, I was so sad that, before it happened, I asked my grandmother to take pictures of me with all the old carpet. When I'd go to sleep, I would listen to an audio book on her tape recorder. It was a book called Make Way for Ducklings, and it was my favorite picture book (and, honestly, still is). When I'd wake up, I'd go upstairs where their stain glass window in the door made patches of rainbow all over the entryway. I'd have blueberry pancakes with whipped cream for breakfast, and read books with my Grandmom.
Throughout my childhood, my grandparents and their house were the only constant I had. Until we all moved to the Bay Area in 2014, they lived in that same house for all twelve of the years I lived in Central California. Those sleepovers I had, Thursday afternoons when I came over after school, and dinners have swim practice are times that helped shape into the person I am. The unconditional love, Bible stories, and Christmas traditions gave me more than good childhood memories. They gave me space to have a childhood.
Me posing with the carpet I didn't want to go away. Also, this was my daisy dress. I loved my daisy dress.
All the Animals
Over the years, I've had many odd pets. Over time, our house became a self-proclaimed ark. We've had many hamsters, four guinea pigs, a few fish, a cat, a dog (the buffalo), some birds, four chickens, and, for a few days, a baby quail. My mom and I found it outside my grandparents house after the momma quail and other babies had wandered away, and we tried really hard to save it. We named him "Ducky," because, well, of course we did. A few years ago, my dad had a habit of letting in stray dogs and cats, so for a while there would be a different collection of animals every time I went to visit. When he married my stepmom, two more dogs came into the mix. I've been surrounded by animals for as long as I can remember, and that has definitely helped bring more good into my childhood. Now, there are turkeys that wander through our neighborhood on a regular basis. There are geese near my grandparents house, as well as a cow that I've heard a few times but never actually seen. We seem to attract the misfits, and I'm very okay with that.
The four chickens we had for a couple months: Barbie-Q, Terry-aki, Fay-hita, and Dinner. I feel it is important to note that I am a vegetarian.
Road Trips
When my parents first separated, my mom did everything she could to make a family out of her, my brother, and me. One of the big things she did was go on road trips with us. She'd get hotels or camping tents, and we'd pile into the car and go to San Diego, Sacramento (ha, little did we know), Utah, anywhere. We'd listen to music, audio books, or look out the window. Stopping to take pictures, shopping for groceries in random grocery stories, and stopping for fruit at one of the few fruit stands we'd pass. Those road trips are what made us into our own little family, and I can't thank my mom enough for giving us the opportunity to travel and see our little world a bit bigger.
There are many other stories that I could mention, such as jumping off dunes at the beach, hiking at one of the few trails near my grandparent's house, or helping my grandmother transform the school library into a place you actually wanted to be instead of something the 4th graders said was probably haunted. When I think of my childhood, I don't always think of the good things. Actually, 90% of the time I'm thinking of something bad. But that doesn't mean that my entire childhood was bad. Parts of it, like those I've written about today, were actually really good. My childhood wasn't great, but there were great moments, and I'm learning to remember those parts more.
Detox Tea Talk: April 2018
Originally published on April 19th, 2018
Even though these posts are stream of consciousness, I still like having something that I want to say. I've spent most of my morning trying to think of something to write about, and it finally dawned on me as I got up from my desk at school to get some water. It's been raining for most of today, and the air smells crisp and cool, which I like. Tomorrow it's supposed to be partly cloudy and then the rest of the week it's supposed to be sunny and warm. I have a very odd relationship with the weather, and I'm ready for the warmer days to be more consistent.
I grew up in an area that was 75º and sunny most of the time, so when I moved to the Bay Area for high school, I was thrown by the seasons that actually exist there. The clouds and rain dampened my mood, and when I was seventeen and had moved to an area with even more season-y seasons, I actually got specific light bulbs that would make my room look like it was sunny even when it was dark and rainy outside.
I also really don't like wind. When I was around eleven my dad moved to a new place in, quite frankly, the middle of nowhere. Whenever it would be windy, you'd hear it echoing through the walls, and everything seemed far scarier than it actually was. That year of wind was enough to make me nervous around windy weather all the way to now.
It's weird, because when I was in England and it was cloudy and rainy the whole time I was there, I wasn't unhappy or depressed. I was really, really happy the whole time, and I think it's because I was surrounded by people I love. The same goes for when I was in Portland with my mom last year. It was raining, but I wasn't unhappy. I was with my mom and we were on a coffee tour. There's no way I could possibly be unhappy!
I'm starting to think that I've been blaming the weather for a problem that really has to do with the fact that I'm a giant extrovert. I need to be around people. Yes, I love sunny days and I am happier when I can see the sun and smell air with a hint of flowers, but I think my need to be around those I love is bigger than my need for cloudless days.
Anyway, that was my ramble about weather. I've finished this post while sitting in bed drinking chai, so tea was still involved. I like these posts because I don't feel the need to edit them too harshly since it really is a stream of consciousness situation. We'll return to this in May, and who knows what I'll end up writing about,
~ Claira
A Small Post About Smiles
Originally published on April 16th, 2018
I grew up hating my smile. I’ve never really liked my teeth because there are two in the front that are smaller than the others and a little crooked. I was insecure about my teeth, so when I smiled I never showed them. Instead, my smiles were with pursed lips spread as thinly as possible. This makes me cringe when I look at old pictures of me, but at the time my lips were a sort of security blanket. I didn’t want to show my insecurities, so I chose the one thing that could be hidden easily, and, if I could help it, didn't smile with my teeth.
When I was fifteen, I actually looked up difference procedures I could have done to my teeth to change how they were shaped (anything but braces, really), and decided that when I was 18 I’d get them capped. But I’m 18 now, and my teeth are still the same as they were when I was twelve. I thought my smile made me ugly, and I thought that the only way I would ever feel beautiful was if I had perfect teeth.
Over the years, I’ve learned that everyone is at their most beautiful when they are happy. When I’m at my happiest, I smile with my teeth. As I’ve gotten older and I’ve grown to be happier, my smiles have gotten bigger and I haven’t hated them as much. This isn’t to say that I’m never insecure about my teeth or my smile, because that’s definitely not true. There are days when I smile without showing my teeth, but my smile itself is still bigger. My lips are no longer used as a security blanket, instead they are a way to get through a moment of insecurity before I bring my teeth back into the light.
Below I have put some of my favorite pictures from the last year where I'm smiling with my teeth. From left to right, here's what had just happened: I had just finished doing my first poetry open mic, I had just climbed to the top of St. Paul's Cathedral with my aunt, I had just seen one of my best friends for the first time in a long time, and I had just finished the first day of my senior year. All of those moments have memories attached that make me so happy.
Insecurities come and go. My smile hasn't always been something I've liked about my myself, and sometimes it still isn't. But even when I don't like it as much, I know that I'm smiling because I'm happy, and that is never a bad thing.
Why We Didn't Work
Originally published on April 08th, 2018
Because The Odyssey is too long.
Because we didn’t know how to communicate.
Because Knottsberry Farm sucks.
Because I’m really liberal, and you’re really not.
Because I didn’t finish reading your story, and you finished mine the next day.
Because Luna Lovegood doesn’t get a love story anyway.
Because rhetorical devices are too good at making sense of nonsensical feelings.
Because you ask too many questions.
Because we both write poetry.
Because while Edmund Spenser had the right idea in Sonnet 75, we weren’t the right people.
Because you played football.
Because Nebraska was far away.
Because other girls caught your attention and I didn’t notice until it was too late.
Because I’ve already forgotten how to roller skate.
Because Newt Scamander was with a Lestrange first.
Because January was a long time ago.
Because something changed for you.
Because you never told me what changed.
Because neither of us wanted to admit that I liked you more than you liked me.
50 Things to Do When You're Anxious and/or Depressed
Originally published on April 05th, 2018
The other day I wasn't feeling the best. It wasn't because anything was particularly wrong, and it wasn't that I was dreading something that may be wrong later. It was simply that I wasn't feeling the best. I go through bouts of anxiety and depression every once in a while, and it always really sucks. So I made this list a while ago that I go to when I'm feeling particularly bad, and I take a few things and do them. The following is a list of 50 things that I personally have done and can say that they work, at least in the moment, which is sometimes enough to get you through the rest of the day.
1. Go to sleep a half hour earlier
2. Get up a half hour earlier
3. Drink a tall glass of water
4. Take a shower with your favorite soap or body wash, and then use your favorite lotion
5. Read a book
6. Eat a salad
7. Or a pizza
8. Go for a walk
9. Or for a run
10. Light a spring candle in the fall or a fall candle in the spring
11. Paint your nails
12. Dress up for literally no reason
13. Wear your favorite sweatshirt
14. Sit outside and breathe deeply
15. Meditate
16. Color in a coloring book
17. Learn to make origami dragons
18. Watch Friends
19. Watch The Office
20. Clean your room
21. Clean your kitchen
22. Wash your sheets
23. Journal
24. Shave your legs
25. Call a friend you haven't talked to in a while
26. Buy flowers
27. Hug your dog
28. Watch Queer Eye
29. Get a hug from your mom
30. Put lotion on your feet and follow with fuzzy socks
31. Do something spontaneous
32. Create a morning and/or night routine
33. Look at the stars on a clear night
34. Change around the decorations in your room
35. Drink some tea
36. Use a face mask
37. Use a hair mask
38. Write something
39. Vacuum
40. Do your laundry
41. Look up inspirational quotes
42. Clean your bag or backpack
43. Clean up your Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram
44. Eat lunch outside in the sunshine
45. Watch clips from The Graham Norton Show (bonus points if it's red chair related!)
46. Watch interviews with Emilia Clarke
47. Watch You've Got Mail
48. Read some poetry
49. Dance around your room to Hamilton
50. Dramatically lipsynch to Oh, Darling by The Beatles
A State of Dreamy Disconnection
Originally published on April 01st, 2018
La La Land. No, not the movie. I mean the term that probably came about in the late 1970’s. When I looked up the origin of the term “la la land” I found this: “La La Land came into use as a slang phrase meaning “a state of dreamy disconnection from reality,” whether due to drunkenness or dementia." Well, okay, I thought. I’m neither drunk nor old enough to have dementia, so what does this mean for me?
When I was little I remember going and standing on the hotel room balcany overlooking an alley in LA and saying to myself "I'll be back here someday," and soon I was (the city, not the alley). I went to Disneyland a few times with my family over the years, and drove through on my way to visit other people and places. Spring break my Freshman and Sophomore years were spent in LA with my dad. Music tour of my Junior year was also spent in this city, and then for spring break this year I returned with my mom. LA has been a part of my heart and soul for almost as long as I can remember.
I was eight years old the first time I wanted to be an actress, and at eighteen that feeling is still there. A longing to express something bigger than myself, to portray an emotion that I have felt and morph it into another character to make it bigger than what I could ever experience. There is something about acting and actors that brings people together, and I want to be a part of that. But I don't love LA because of my love of acting.
I love LA because of what it is- a city where time and time again I find another piece of myself hidden in the corners, the cracks, and the crevices. I love it because when I'm there I feel closer to everything I love. I love it because it's where I went to my first concert (Sara Bareilles, 2013) and slept in a parking lot while Katy Perry sang less than a mile away. I love it because it's where I made lifelong friends. I love it because it's where I spent hours in the American Girl store and that's what my childhood was practically made of. I love it because every time I go I seem to have changed, and every time I go I learn something new.
My entire life has been lived in a state of dreamy disconnection. When I look back on the best moment of my life so far, all I see is dreams. How I found them, how I chased them, how I'm still chasing them. Maybe this means I'm disconnected from the world, but I think that maybe it's the exact opposite. Maybe dreams are what bring us all closer. Maybe dreams are what brings out the human parts of each of us. Maybe wishes on stars aren't childish, but rather the moments that keep us alive.
I have dreams, and most of the time I live in them. LA is a city that welcomes that part of me when few other places will. Reality can be beautiful. Sometimes it can be better than your dreams, but when it's not, dreams are what keep us glued to all the good that still remains. I may live in a state of dreamy disconnection most of the time, and I may also be detached from reality sometimes, but I think it's the moments when I'm like that that I experience the best parts of life. So maybe living in La La Land isn't all that bad. In fact, I think I prefer it that way.
Books I've Read & Places I've Loved: March 2018
Originally published on March 29th, 2018
Happy end of March! Even though I'm sad that this month has come to a close, I'm very excited to see what April has in store. This month was very full. Trips to England and Los Angeles, dress rehearsals for Pirates of Penzance (our first performance is on Saturday!), and a couple good books as well. With all that said, here are the books I read and places I loved in March of 2018.
BOOKS I'VE READ
Secrets for the Mad by dodie
dodie (lack of capitalization is intentional) is one of my favorite musicians. When I learned last year that she had written a book, I bought it as soon as it was available. I did not, however, read it as soon as I had it. I received the copy in November (?) of last year and only started to read it at the end of February. I can't believe I didn't start it as soon as possible, though, because this book is absolutely beautiful. It's part memoir, part advice, part song lyrics and poem stanzas.
The Awakening by Kate Chopin
I may have read this for an AP Literature book report, but I loved it so much that I counted it towards my 18 books while being 18. There are characters I see myself in, characters I see other people that are around me in, and characters I hope I never meet in real life. I also loved it because even though it was written in the 19th century and has the language to go along with it, it was still easy to read and easy to get lost in. I definitely would recommend it.
PLACES I'VE LOVED
Newbold College
Bracknell, England
I love England, and Bracknell in particular is one of my favorite places on earth. I'm so excited to go to school here in a few years, and I'm hoping to return to visit within the next year. I had such a wonderful time here, and I'm really glad I went back, even if it was for only four full days.
London, England
I feel that the best way to start this is by saying that I saw the Queen of England. She was driving out with her entourage and we saw her. My little 36.2% British heart was extremely happy to part of something like that. While in London I also climbed the stairs of St. Paul's Cathedral (all 528 steps. But I'm not totally convinced it isn't more), ate vegetarian fish and chips (the "fish" was really just breaded cheese, but it was delicious), and because I wore the same shoes that caused the Great Seattle Blisters of 2017, my feet hurt very badly by the time we got on the train to head back home. It was still a wonderful day, and I'm really glad we did everything that we did.
Griffith Observatory, Los Angeles
This is my favorite place in the entire world. This may seem strange, but it's true. I love that you can see the Hollywood sign and I love the lower level of the Observatory where you can sit before a wall of stars. My mom and I always walk up from the parking lot, so while there we walked 2 miles (1 up and 1 down), not including all we walked while inside the observatory itself. This was the last place we went while in Los Angeles, and to me it was the perfect way to end my Spring break.
Downtown Disney, Los Angeles
My "needs to be gluten-free and really shouldn't have that much dairy" stomach was not pleased with my trip here. I had a pizza, fully gluten and everything, and a chocolate ice-cream milkshake thing and I didn't feel great on the walk back to the hotel. But all that considered, I'm so glad I went to Downtown Disney. Disneyland itself isn't the happiest place on earth for me, and it really never has. But I've always loved Downtown Disney. Being there at night is especially lovely because of all the lights, but during the day it's wonderful, too. Like I said, I had pizza and the milkshake, which my tastebuds adored. And then the next day we went to Starbucks and the Disney store where I left with a Dumbo mug, which I may have used three times since returning home.
This has been a really good month, and there's still more to go. In my detox tea talk for the month, I mentioned that the two predominant emotions for the last few weeks have been happiness and contentment. I've had a wonderful month. Memories were made, good books were read, and I felt myself living for the first time in a while. I hope you all had a good March as well, and here's to an even better April!
Support from the Masses
Originally published on March 25th, 2018
"What would it take to speak for student week of prayer?" I asked my religion teacher/high school vice principal. She then told me to go talk to my principal, which I did the following week. This is how I found myself in front of the entire school, telling one of my favorite stories. My principal told me I could speak if I wanted to, and I started drafting what I would say.
If you've been reading for a while, you'll know that back in October I wrote a piece called When You Finally Get to Say Thank You, in which I wrote about the camp staff member who encouraged my writing, made the harder parts of my life better, and then how I got to tell him thank you when I saw him at the Leadership Conference I went to back in September of last year. After that whole experience, I knew that if I were to speak for SWOP (student week of prayer), I'd tell that story. I wrote it out before leaving for England, but when I got back and checked my email, I learned that while I was gone, the theme for the week had been chosen: Your story and how it fits into your community. Now, you may be wondering why I didn't wait to write until I learned the theme, and to that I say that my principal told me not to worry about it and just write it out and connect it all together later. But I am not a "connect it all together later" kind of person. So I spent three hours on the Wednesday night after getting back from England rewriting everything. The stories stayed the same, but the meaning at the end was totally different.
For the elementary school, I focused more on the beginning of the whole story, drawing comparisons from the parable of the lost sheep and how AH left most of the campers to walk with me. I ended it like this: "I don't know any of you well enough to know your lives story up until now, but I promise you that God is there. God is the shepherd who finds the sheep and takes it home, and God is the camp counselor who finds the seven year old and walks her through five years of difficulty." For the high school, I told the whole story (even the end where I got to say thank you) and connected it to how God sends the people we need when we need them, and ended it saying this: "...whether you are like the five year old who needs someone to help them, the six year old who is walking by themself, the twelve year old who is spending most of their time alone, or the eighteen year old who is trying to figure out what their life is going to be like, God is there. He’s there to hang out with you, to walk with you, to comfort you, and to help you. He will send the people you need when you need them, and probably when you least expect them."
If I'm being honest, I wasn't expecting a good reaction from the teachers and student body. I figured they'd listen nicely, my Economics teacher would say something (because she's lovely like that), but that would be it. But no, when I finished I saw that some of my teachers were crying. My film teacher (who taught me religion last year) came up to me the next day and confirmed what I'd noticed, which was almost unbelievable for me. The day before, in Journalism, I'd been talking about what I planned to say and the four other people in the class all gave me pieces of advice. Before I started, a couple of them wished me luck, and when I finished they told me I'd a good job.
While I talked, people laughed when I tried to be funny. They listened to what I said. Before I started, people told me I didn't have anything to be nervous about. My economics teacher wished me luck before I left, and Annaliese texted me later and said that when I left, my teacher said that I didn't really need luck. When I finished, I was told to keep writing. People I don't talk to very much told me I was a good speaker, said I was funny, and gave me hugs and high fives. I was given support from the masses, and that's not something I'm used to.
It's hard to explain why I appreciated everyone who said something so much. When you've been put down by the people you're surrounded by for so long, it's mind-blowing to be lifted up. I listened to my talk before writing this so it would be fresh in my mind, and the thing that stood out to me the most is that when I was nine years old, I never would have thought I'd get to the point where I'd stand in front of my school and tell them my story. When something bad happens in your life, it takes a really, really long time to get the point where you can talk about it to yourself. It takes an even longer time to talk about it to other people, and it takes so much longer than that to be able to share it with people you don't even normally interact with. I've gotten to the point where I can share parts of my life's story with a larger group, and that's why being supported by so many people was invaluable.
To those of you who told me I'd be fine before I spoke, to those of you who came up to me after I finished and told me I'd done well, and to those of you who continually support me outside of this one instance- thank you. I don't think I can ever fully express how wonderful you all are and how much I appreciate all of you, but thank you. Whether you're family, friends who are like family, classmates, or teachers, I'm thankful for all of you. I wouldn't have been able to share these pieces of myself without you.
Me speaking in front of the junior high and high school. My talk for the elementary students was earlier in the morning. (photo credit: Annaliese)
Detox Tea Talk: March 2018
Originally published on March 22nd, 2018
Stream of consciousness writing is somehow harder than writing a carefully thought out essay. I'm not sure why, because considering my many of years of journaling you'd think I'd be pretty good at this... but I digress, this is my second attempt at this whole thing, and I'm doing my best. I'm also going to try and write this whole thing in one sitting, which is very strange but I think it'll help this kind of post in particular flow a little bit better and hopefully make more sense.
But anyway, it's finally spring and I am very pleased. While writing this (and also when it goes live) I am on spring break. Since I was in England last week, I'm okay with the fact that I'm not doing that much traveling this week. I'm going to Los Angeles with my mom today, but I'll have to be back by 1:00 on Sunday for the big rehearsal for Pirates of Penzance. Speaking of said musical, it's coming around on me. At the beginning, I'd spent all my rehearsal time comparing it to Les Mis, but then I realized that you cannot compare Claude-Michael Schöneberg with Gilbert & Sullivan. You just can't. I love that there's more choreography this year, and while the musical itself definitely isn't my favorite, I have to admit that there are scenes I find very funny.
Back to talking about spring, I am very, very happy that my favorite season has finally returned. Sure, it's still cold and rainy 85% of the time, but that'll pass soon enough. I can already tell that my mood has changed since the month of March began, and my happiness levels have been consistently high for the last 20 days (I'm writing this on Tuesday). I've been spending a lot of my time with other people, and think that is contributing to higher levels of happiness. The rest of this month is going to be fairly insane. I go to LA, and then as soon as I return it's all musical, musical, musical until April 9th, the day after the final performance. (I just realized that I must have the musical on my mind right now, because even though I'm trying to talk about other things I keep going back to it.)
Right now I'm sitting at my desk, tea to my right and my dry-erase calendar in front of me. I have a candle that I've had for years burning on my dresser, and there is a slight sprinkling of rain outside my window. I'm listening to Ingrid Michelson and I'm feeling very content. I'd say that happy and content are the two emotions I've been feeling the most lately. While driving back from a class vespers-not-vespers on Friday, I was in the backseat with two of my friends up front. We were listening to acoustic versions of some of our favorite songs, and as I looked out the window I couldn't help but feel very content. While in England, I felt unexplainable feelings of happiness when I was with my cousins. March has been a really, really good month. I'm very thankful for everything that has taken place so far, and I really hope that these feelings continue into the month of April. Until next time,
~ Claira
"There's no happier person than a truly thankful, content person." ~ Joyce Meyer.
Peppermint tea this month (a little lukewarm, but not bad). And, of course, I'm using this The Little Prince mug that I use all the time.
Cousins & Anniversaries - England 2018
Originally published on March 20th, 2018
This time a week and few days ago, I was in England, surrounded by my little cousins, two aunts and an uncle, and my grandparents who I hadn't seen in three years. While there, I got to go around London a little bit (normal stuff, like seeing the Queen ;-)), spend time with my cousins, and read a poem at my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. It was a weekend filled with memories that will last me for a long time, and already miss everyone who is still over there.
I got to London on Friday afternoon and was greeted by my grandparents, full on Love, Actually beginning and everything. I was reunited with my Michigan cousin and aunt for the first time in four years, and saw my England aunt and uncle for the first time in three years along with their two boys. I also met my babiest cousin for the first time, which was certainly a highlight of my time in England. That night, my cousin Melody and I finally caught up after not talking all that much for four years. She's only a year younger than me, and we're both graduating this year, and it was weird for us to not talk since starting high school. So we finally caught each other up on some of the things we'd both missed. Then I fell asleep, because even though jet lag doesn't get to me that much, I do have a tendency to just black out after being awake for longer than 24 hours.
Saturday was my first full day, and arguably my favorite. Last time I was in England, during the summer of 2015, I went to the Newbold church and instantly loved it. It's taken me a while to realize that while I'm a church person, I'm not a church person person, if that makes any sense at all. Being at the Newbold church doesn't make me think of all the church-y people, but rather makes me focus on why I like church in the first place. While there, I went to the Sabbath school for 2 year olds and loved the fact that they have bubbles (bubbles). I sang In Christ Alone while helping my older baby cousin with a word search. Later in the day, I drank coffee while sitting on the couch with all three of them. I also attempted to read them the story of Esther for the first (of 6) times.
Sunday was my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary party. I read a poem that made my Nanna cry (happy tears, happy tears), and had a couple conversations about poetry with people I'd only met seconds before. I was woken up that morning by the sound of tiny feet pattering into the room, and tried to read the story of Esther another four times (I was unsuccessful each time. Have I mentioned yet that these children chose this story every time?). I twirled the youngest two around a room and talked about wishes with the oldest ("I wish that every day could be the best day always."). I talked to my aunt about the many things we have in common, and she helped clear up some stuff from my own head. By now the middle baby cousin had stolen my stuffed moose, so I took the pink unicorn and slept with that instead. We traded back once I had to leave.
On Monday I returned to London. Three years ago I promised myself that I would one day climb to the top of St. Paul's Cathedral. I have another post going up next month where I'll go into more detail about the experience, but I'll just say now that I loved it. My fear of heights and tight spaces was definitely tested, but I'm very proud of myself and thankful for my aunt who carried my coat for me. Back at her house, I finally succeeded in finishing the story of Esther and high fives were had by all.
This trip was only a paragraph in the great story of my life, and I can already tell that the chapter will be much harder to leave. In two-three years, I will be at Newbold, living in England full time for the school year. I'll get more experiences like this, like reading stories to my cousins and talking to them about wishes. I'll get to watch them grow up a little bit. I'll climb the stairs of St. Paul's Cathedral a couple more times, and sing my favorite hymns in churches. I honestly can't wait for those months, and I know they will be hard to leave. That's the thing about trips like this- you get a glimpse into what your life has the possibility of looking like. If in two-three years my life looks even a tiny bit like this, I will count myself very lucky.
Me and the baby cousins on the Saturday afternoon. I've realized that if I have coffee in my hand and cousins on my side I'm a pretty happy Claira.
You, My Darling
Originally published on March 11th, 2018
You, my darling, are strong.
You are brave, devoted, and courageous.
You are not small
You are not weak or frightened, and you are not the problem.
You, my darling, are going to do so many amazing things
You will change the world for the better.
You will find happiness, love, and peace,
And I know you will give those things to other people.
You don’t need to have a place inside the heart of someone else.
You are your own person, your own place.
Do not let yourself become a walking apology, or a running metaphor.
You are made of mountains, and laughter. Oceans, and flowers.
Do not be afraid of love, it is simply a complicated, beautiful thing.
Falling into love is like skydiving, scary at first and then exhilarating.
It is like discovering a mountain top after hours of climbing.
Falling into love is like seeing individual leaves for the first time.
Do not spend all your time being afraid of being deceived, left, or broken.
It is hard to move on from the adrenaline rush, even when it’s the right thing to do.
It is hard to step down from the mountain top. The view is still so beautiful.
But do not spend all your time preparing for the hike back down.
Instead, know this: You are the best things that this world has.
You are ice cubes on hot days, and tea on cold ones.
You are laughter, and smiles, and inside jokes.
You are sunshine after months of rain, and you are the sunbeam through clouds of worry.
Do not let yourself believe you are anything but good, anything but worthy.
Let yourself believe in love, in joy, in sunshine and in mountain tops.
You are your own. You do not need to be someone else’s.
Because you, my darling, are everything you want to be.
It Gets So Good
Originally published on March 08th, 2018
I have a clear memory of being fourteen, sitting in a chair looking a sheet of math, and thinking that if I were to just disappear, no one would notice. Everything would be okay, everything would be better, and I wouldn’t have to worry anymore. This is a letter to my fourteen-year-old self.
A couple weeks ago you were sitting in a circle of people who you are lucky enough to call classmates and friends. You were singing songs and sharing personal stories that require vulnerability. You were crying, but it wasn't because you were sad. You were crying because you remembered that day four years ago when you were so done. Done with math, done with the people you were surrounded with, done with it all. You were crying because you knew that if you kept going down that path, you wouldn't be here now, sitting in this circle with these people telling these stories. You were crying because you wanted to tell yourself that it gets so good. So, to my fourteen year old self:
It isn't always going to be like this. You are going to have days where smiling is all you can possibly do. Days where you get an A- on a Biology final, write a really good poem, or do something new and kind of scary. Days like this:
and this:
And even days where your friends force you on a roller coaster and you make this face:
You're going to join drama and choir, yearbook and journalism. You're going to be part of musicals, and student leadership. You're going to go to New York where you'll climb to the top of the Statue of Liberty; England where you'll climb many stairs of St. Paul's Cathedral; Utah, where you'll stand above canyons and feel small in the best way; and Scotland, where you'll hike around Ben Nevis. You're going to write a lot of poetry and you'll start a blog where you tell the stories of memories you're going to make.
You're also going to twirl around a lot of places:
And hug a lot of people:
You're going to start over a lot, but everything will only get better each time. You're going to read books and find ones you like and ones you don't. You'll learn how to critique movies and pictures and how to stick up for yourself in a meeting. You'll even take a few Kung Fu classes, piano lessons, and you'll work as a proctor for a crane operator exam (your weirdest job to date!). You'll make some good speeches and gets some rounds of applause. You'll be enveloped in so many hugs you'll lose count, and you'll cry into the shoulders of so many people you'll never be able to thank them all.
And even though you'll be lonely sometimes, you're also going to make some really good friends. Like these ones:
You're going to do a lot of things that scare you, like auditioning for musicals and walking up to a group of people and asking if you can sit with them. But whenever you do something that's hard, or you fail, or you just need some help, you have a really great family that you can lean on. Your family will only grow, and that's a good thing.
Yeah, you're also going to encounter the bad stuff. You'll go through some heartbreaks, some worse than others. You'll move halfway through high school and get to know solitude a little too well. But when it gets bad, remember the stars, the canyons, the fireworks. Remember the places you've gone, the places you're going to go, and how loved you are. Remember warm nights with windows rolled down and music playing in the car, and remember nights where you're up until 2:00 in the morning talking to your best friend about what your future dorm room will look like. These are the moments that make it all worth it. All the heartbreak and moves and tears and rejections are worth it because every time something doesn't work out, something wonderful takes its place. Sometimes you'll feel small:
But sometimes you'll feel strong:
My point is that it gets good. Life gets really, really good. It's not perfect, but there are definitely perfect moments. You'll drink really good cups of coffee. You'll have really good days and really good nights. You'll go to basketball games and cut your hair and get your ears pierced. You'll eat really good food, like chocolate cake with raspberry filling and potato gnocchi. You'll learn lots of new things and grow into a new person that hopefully you'd be proud to know. So keep moving forward, I promise that it gets really good.
The Prologue
Originally published on March 04th, 2018
“What’s past is prologue.” ~ William Shakespeare, The Tempest
I like to imagine that there are two ways you can think of your past. You can think of it either as the prologue, or like the “previously on” from the beginning of TV shows. If you think of it like the prologue, it’s like saying that the things that have happened to you are important to the story, but they aren’t the story. If you think of it the other way, that’s like saying your past is still very much a part of your present.
I’ve started going to therapy again. I think I’m ready to think of my childhood as the prologue. It was important in me becoming me, but it doesn’t need to be the whole story anymore.
~ 121
25 Facts About Me
Originally published on March 01st, 2018
1. When I was seven, I got kicked out of the Vatican. Twice. In one day.
2. I learn the words to the fastest songs I can find just for fun. I rarely tell people this, though, because when I’m asked to prove it I freak out.
3. By the time I graduate, I will have gone to two different high schools.
4. I write spoken word poetry
5. I won a writing contest when I was sixteen
6. I can’t pronounce “peculiar”
7. I fully believe in time and all that it heals
8. I have fully written essays for this website that I will probably never post.
9. I took six classes of Kung Fu my Junior year
10. I used to absolutely detest poetry (detest)
11. Spring is my favorite season and March is my favorite month.
12. I’ve lived in three states, but only really remember the third.
13. The first time I ever had a crush on a boy, I was in preschool and the only way I could think of to get him to talk to me was by pretending to forget his name so he’d have to introduce himself almost every day.
14. LA and Seattle are tied for my favorite city, but Edinburgh is a close second.
15. I still haven’t learned how to ride a bike
16. I used to write songs, but haven’t done that since I started writing poetry.
17. I have had my heart thoroughly broken exactly five times in my eighteen years.
18. I take criticism badly, no matter how masked in compliments it is. The sandwich method of compliment + criticism + compliment doesn’t work for me.
19. People have read my poems in front of me without realizing it was about them.
20. I have five books in the works right now. 1 of poetry and four novels. I have no idea what I’ll do with any or all of them once they’re finished.
21. I have been to England four times, and in about a week I leave for the fifth visit.
22. I have written in journals since I was eight years old.
23. My favorite book is To Kill a Mockingbird, which I read for the first time when I was sixteen.
24. My eighth birthday has been my favorite so far.
25. I am a perfectionist who tries very hard to follow all the rules…
25.5 But sometimes rules are meant to be broken, and I’m working on realizing that more.
Books I've Read & Places I've Loved: February 2018
Originally published on February 25th, 2018
Well, we've officially reached the end of the second month of 2018, and wow does that feel good. February has always been a filler of sorts for me, as I wrote about last week. It was good this year, though, as I did some cool things and read a really good book. In case you're wondering, yes I did go through the feeling of wanting to cut my hair again, but no, it's still all there.
BOOKS I'VE READ
The Actor's Life: A Survival Guide by Jenna Fischer
I saw this book on Amazon back in December, and instantly added it to a wish list. It's one of those books where I knew I'd need to read it eventually, and also knew that it would be helpful in the long run. When I started reading it this month, I realized that every page was going to have at least one sentence underlined. It's filled to the brim with information, anecdotes from her first few years in the industry, and reminders of why I want to be an actress. This isn't a book I'd recommend to everyone, because if you want to be a nurse you'll get nothing from it. But it was certainly a good book for me, and I have a feeling I'll be going back to it again and again as the years go by.
PLACES I'VE LOVED
Starbucks and Trader Joe's
Even though I see her almost everyday, Annaliese and I realized that we hadn't talked in a while. So we met up on a normal Sunday at a Starbucks and caught up over coffee. We sat in big, brown chairs in the corner and basically just poured out our life updates, and it was wonderful. I wanted new flowers for my room since the daffodils died, so she walked with me to the Trader Joe's close by and we both picked out a bouquet. Of course we had to take pictures with the flowers next to the wall outside the Trader Joe's, and that is how the above picture came to be.
I've said this a few times already this month, but February is often a sort of filler for the rest of the year. This month has been good, though, with laughter, lots of writing, and birthdays. But I am still very excited for March, because it's looking to be one of my favorite months of the entire year.
John
Originally published on February 22nd, 2018
We met our Freshman year, in math class as I recall. We got along really well for a while. We were in the same friend group, had a lot of the same classes (drama included), and were interested in some of the same things. Over the course of the school year, however, things changed. He got distant and ignored me when I spoke. If he asked a question and I answered, he would ask the question again until someone else answered. He ran into me (literally) in the hallway once and didn't say anything. Soon, it became clear that our friendship was coming to an fast end.
To protect the privacy of those involved, let's call him John Doe. Like I said, John and I were both in drama and had a lot of the same friends. So when it was seemingly revealed that we weren't getting along, the rest of our friends were confused. In talking to a few of them, I learned that John was angry with me, but I couldn't place what I had done. I spent days wondering what on earth had happened to make him treat me differently. Eventually, we talked and everything seemed okay again, until the next couple weeks went by and he, again, wasn't talking to me. I wondered what I had done, what I could do to change things, and blamed myself for how I was being treated. This cycle continued for the remainder of our Freshman year. By the end of the school year, I'd given up hope of reconciliation.
Our Sophomore year, everyone in the school went on a weekend retreat, and while on a night hike to see stars, John and I talked and our friendship seemed to resume- for real this time. The next few months were relatively normal, until around October or November (I honestly can't remember anymore). This next part of the story is where I start to look bad, and I was definitely at fault this time. One afternoon after school when we were waiting to be picked up, he mentioned to me that he was starting to like one of our mutual friends. He told me not to tell anyone, and I said I wouldn't. He then said I couldn't even tell my mom, and I said I wouldn't. I have a feeling you can guess what I did when my mom got me and we drove home.
I also told our mutual friend, and when John found out he, with good reason, got distant once again, from me and her. I apologized, we talked it over, and everything seemed to be okay with us and also with him and the other girl. Soon after this, however, things got worse. He ran (literally... again) into me in the hallway and didn't say anything, he told his friends (that I didn't know very well) things about me that weren't true, and continued to do the things he'd done in the past. It got to the point where a mutual friend of ours actually came up to me and told me that John had told her he was angry with me and didn't ever want to speak to me again. Since I had apologized for messing up four months before and we'd talked it over already, I assumed it was something different. As it turned out, he was still upset about me telling his secret.
My best example for how toxic this friendship was is the time when he told me he was switching schools. This made me think about how I didn't want him leave with us not getting along, and I tried extra hard to be nice to him. As it turned out, he wasn't moving, and when I found out that he'd lied, he broke down into tears and started telling a story about his childhood to explain his behavior. I must admit, this made me angry. I felt manipulated, and I had no idea why the brunt of his rollercoaster behavior was directed towards me. The rumors continued to be spread, John continued to ignore me, and it all got to the point where my mom suggested that I talk to one of my favorite teachers so she was aware of the situation.
When I went to my teacher to tell her what was happening, her response was "Do you think maybe he likes you?" I swallowed my comments of "why is that the thing to focus on?" and "even if he did, that doesn't excuse his behavior," and simply followed with "No, I don't." Nothing really came from that conversation, in fact I don't think my teacher was paying that much attention anyway. Nothing changed with John by the end of my Sophomore year, and when I moved away I learned that things had actually escalated, even with me being 120 miles away.
In this friendship, I did mess up. I take complete ownership of that just as much now as I did two years ago. But that slip up that I made still does not excuse the way I was treated before and after. I would go to school with a knot in my stomach because I was worried about which John I would be greeted with- the John I was friends with or the John who, quite frankly, hated me. I haven't told many of our mutual friends this before, but the way I was treated truly did affect me, even after I moved. I would play it off like it was nothing. Like I was totally okay and he could think of me however he wanted because, hey, I wasn't there anymore so why should it matter? But the truth is, knowing that there is someone out there who doesn't like you for reasons that you still aren't totally sure about is difficult.
I need to make myself clear about something: I do not share this story to throw blame at someone or make it seem like I do everything right, but rather to show that my friendship with John wasn't really a friendship. We had those few good moments, but real friendships don't revolve around one person feeling angry one day and the other worrying that she's never going to make it up or live it down. Real friendships are a give and take. Real friendships include owning up to your mistakes, forgiveness, and trust that after having the hard conversation you won't be thrown under the bus every time you hit a bump in the road. Since moving, I have collected many real friendships. Friendships that don't make feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells or that I have to apologize for an imagined offense.
There is a big difference between a friendship that involves a disagreement and ends in a constructive conversation and a friendship that is flat out toxic. My friendship with John was toxic, and it has taken me a while to realize that. This does not mean that he is a toxic person, but rather that he was not a person that I should be friends with. Sometimes people aren't meant to be friends forever, and that's okay. Sometimes friendships go south and there really isn't anything you can do about it. Sometimes you can do all you can to fix something that you've broken, but you can only do so much before giving the other person the chance to accept your apologies, solutions, and even your humanity. And if that person chooses not to accept, then you have to be able to let go.
Detox Tea Talk: February 2018
Originally published on February 18th, 2018
A detox tea is a tea that, you know, detoxifies. A tea talk is normally a video where the speaker discusses whatever is on their mind. This is a detox tea talk, where I talk about what's been on my mind lately and try to sort it all together. This may or may not be a monthly thing. We'll see.
February is one of those months that never seems to fit with the others for me. There are good things, like my brother's birthday, but most of the time I spend the 28 (or 29) days waiting impatiently for March to roll around. This month has been pretty similar so far, with most of my attention being put on essays, classes, and the few birthdays that happened in my family and at school.
Right now I'm sitting in my school's gazebo, sipping tea that I bought from the senior snack room. There's something about this gazebo that I've always loved, even from the first time I set foot on this campus. I could listen to music, but right now there are birds and cars driving by, and I really like the sounds that are already provided. This gazebo has been the place I go to when I don't have anywhere else to be. I spent the first semester of my junior year in here, reading, eating lunch, and trying my hardest to let people know that I was here, wanting to be friends with any and all of you. When I think of my school, I think of the gazebo. I actually wrote a poem about it a while back, but I'm not sure what I'll do with it, yet.
Anyways, this week has been a weird one. I watched a couple basketball games, wrote many essays, and generally went through the week waiting for the long weekend that's coming up in a few hours (I'm writing this on a Friday).
Writing this has been strange. Since it's very stream of consiousness, if I put it down and then go back to it, I'm in a completely different headspace than I was originally. In case you were wondering, I never write these posts in one sitting. Usually it takes about a week, though occasionally it'll take as little time as 45 minutes or as much as two and a half weeks. I also usually write all the posts a couple weeks in advance, sometimes even an entire month. To give you an idea, I have two posts for next month that are totally finished and edited, but this goes up tomorrow and I'm still typing on my floor while waiting for laundry to be done.
But back to where this whole thing started, this month has been a mixture of a happy moments and monotony, which isn't always a bad thing but right now I'm craving spontenaity. I have from March to the middle of July pretty figured out, and every one of those months includes trips (school and otherwise), really good people, and memories that I can't wait to make. Right now I'm trying to find ways to enjoy the rest of February, all eleven days that are left. Talk to you then,
~ Claira