Books I've Read & Places I've Loved: November 2017
Originally published on November 30th, 2017
I should probably tell you that I'm usually one to wait for December to listen to Christmas music. This year, however, I couldn't resist and I'm writing this while listening to a playlist with Frank Sinatra, Michael Bublé, and Sting. It is, as they say, beginning to look a lot like Christmas, and I'm very okay with that. But before I can fully jump into the spirit of Christmas, I have to look back on the month of thankfulness. With that said, here is a snapshot of my month of November.
BOOKS I'VE READ
Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng
When I was sixteen, I read Everything I Never Told You and fell in love with the way Celeste Ng creates her story, the world surrounding her story, and the people who live in it. My cousin had recommended it to me, and when Little Fires Everywhere came out, she told me about it as well. It was in the back of my mind for a while, until a few weeks ago when I was visiting my dad. We were wondering through a Barnes & Noble, and I saw this sitting on it's own little shelf. I went searching for another copy and when I got home, I began reading right away.
Like her first novel, Little Fires Everywhere is filled with descriptions of the city, life, and people that make up the story. Although there are many books where descriptions get tiring and all you want is dialogue, Celeste Ng has the uncanny ability to make the descriptions feel like dialogue in the form of thoughts. This book is beautiful, relatable, and has certainly earned itself a place on my shelf of favorites.
PLACES I'VE LOVED
Labou
Thanksgiving Break is wonderful for many reasons. Not only do I get the chance to spend extra time with family, but my friends come home from college. One of my best friends and I went to Labou on a foggy Tuesday morning, and it was absolutely lovely. I hadn't seen her since September, and even though we talk on the phone all the time, that's definitely not the same as seeing each other in person. Aside from seeing her, I had to best croissant and chai latte, and it was the cherry on top of a wonderful morning.
____________________
This month was one of those months that simultaneously flew by and went on forever. I did a lot of writing, and running, and buying Christmas presents for people I love, but I also took time to sit and be still. School and work gets hectic. I get tired and life seems overwhelming to the point of me ending up in my academic advisor's office crying because I don't know what I'm doing anymore. But then there are the moments after a run, or when I finish a line of a poem I'd been working on for over a week, or when I find the perfect gift of my mom. Those moments are what makes it all worth it for me, and those are the moments I'm thankful for right now. I hope you all had a lovely November, and that December is just as, if not more so, wonderful.
The Thing About Dogs
Originally published on November 26th, 2017
I should preface this by saying that I'm a cat person. I should also mention that as I write this, a fluffy white puppy is continually clawing at my leg to get my attention, and I'm finding it quite endearing. I may be a cat person, but I constantly find myself surrounded by dogs- some big, some small, and some in-between.
I do love cats, but the thing about dogs is they love you.
When I was little, I was terrified of dogs. I thought the only thing they wanted to do was jump on me, and whenever I was around one for too long I would cry. When I was around the age of eight, I went to visit my cousins with my dad and my brother. They had (still do, actually) a giant yellow lab, who ran at me as soon as I walked past the gate into the yard. I have no idea what happened after that, but I remember ending up in the living room rather shaken. Even so, I liked the idea of having a dog. I wanted a friend, and at that point my only options seemed to come from the canine sort.
My mom has a friend with a golden retriever. When my brother and I poised the idea of getting a dog to her, she said if the golden retriever ever had puppies, she'd think about it. As with any good story that begins with an "if," it just so happened that the golden retriever had puppies about a year later. My brother and I approached my mom with the promise we'd take care of the puppy (sweet, naive, eleven and nine year olds... sorry, Mom). We took a road trip to a suburb near Los Angeles, and met our future puppy for the first time.
Zi grew very quickly. So quickly, in fact, that I took to calling him Clifford. He was big, he was red, and he kept growing for a long time. The first picture below is of him as a puppy, and the third is of him at our previous house. As for the other dogs, that's a whole other story.
The second picture is of me and the stay pitbull dog that wandered into my dad's yard one day and stuck around for about a year. We got along really well, actually, and my experience with him has caused me to look a dogs differently overall- especially the ones who are seen as stereotypically dangerous by other people. The fourth picture was taken on Christmas last year, and it's of Phoebe, my dad's dog that he got when I was fourteen. Zi and Phoebe are similar in that they both have lots of energy but know when to be calm, and I think that's why I love them (and dogs) so much now. The fifth picture was taken a couple weekends ago when I was visiting my dad. His girlfriend was out of town and had left her two dogs with him. I sat down and was bombarded by three wagging tails, and one of them sat by me as I wrote this essay (as seen in the sixth picture).
Back to what I was saying about dogs being energetic but knowing when to be calm- I've found that with Zi, especially, he's the best for cheering me up and for being comforting me. A couple years ago, I was having a really bad day, and went outside to where I knew he was. He galloped over to me and sat while I cried, his head on my lap. Then when I had stopped crying, he bounded away and came back with a star shaped chew toy.
I love cats, but the thing about dogs is they love you. They're there to comfort you when you're crying, and they're there to make you laugh when you need to at least smile. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, and because of them I can certainly see myself getting a dog in the future.
Anti-Social Extrovert
Originally published on November 23rd, 2017
I am an anti-social extrovert. Either that or I'm a very social introvert. The thing is, I know that I get my energy from being around people. I can't be alone for too long or I slip into a pit of my own thoughts, which turns me into an anxious ball of nerves if I do that for too long. But sometimes I begin to wonder if I'm being more introverted as time goes on. But then I remember that being around people is when I'm happiest, just not large crowds.
When I was little, I loved being around lots of people. I have memories of standing under the arch in my childhood house and exclaiming "Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and girls! Presenting... Me!" and then running into the living room to do whatever I had planned. I can't see myself doing this now, but I'm guessing that's a mixture of growing up and developing insecurities.
After church on Saturdays, I'd stand with my dad at the exit and say good bye to people as they left. I wanted to be involved in the conversations, even if I had no idea what was going on. I have another memory of sitting on the steps of the stage and wanting people to walk out that way so I could say goodbye to them by myself, but only a couple people walked by. I probably looked rather lonely and small, but I didn't mind. I wanted to be around people, and that was the best way I could think of to do it.
My Freshman and Sophomore years of high school were spent in the Bay Area, and since we lived about thirty minutes away (and my mom started school about a half hour before I did), I got to school much earlier than others did. By my Sophomore year, I was driving to school with one of my friends, but the mornings of my Freshman year were spent sitting in the cafeteria reading whatever book I'd chosen. I was perfectly content with this, and it continued on to my Junior year at a different school. I sat in the gazebo for an entire semester, and I still do this most mornings.
I still love being around people, but I've learned to appreciate the silence that comes with a crisp wind and a thick book. Because of this realization, I'm a little more stingy with my time. I love being around people, but I don't love crowds. I would much rather be around a few people, or have a one-on-one conversation about something important to us. I despise small talk, and because of that I tend to form deep friendships fairly quickly. Being around people gives me energy, but large crowds are draining.
I wouldn't say I'm an introvert, because the whole idea has to do with where you get your energy from, and as we've covered, I definitely get my energy from being around people. Good people, good conversations, and good connections bring out a side of me that needs to be there in order for me to stay sane. Even so, I can't be around a large crowd for too long or I get into a hibernation-like state. I feel the need to go home, curl up in blankets, and watch episode after episode of either Friends or New Girl.
Someone once told me that we all go through stages of extroversion and introversion, and while I'm not totally sure if that's true, I can certainly see why it would be possible. Right now, I'm very much in the middle. I'm content to drink coffee and talk with a good friend on a rainy afternoon, and I'm equally as content to sit in a gazebo and read a book all afternoon. Extroversion isn't always being around lots of people with loud music in the background, and introversion isn't always writing poetry at 3'AM while contemplating your existence. There's something in the middle, and that's where I often find myself.
Annaliese and I had tea on a cold Friday while watching Gilmore Girls. A good summary of my relationship with extroversion.
Of All the Things I've Wanted to Be
Originally published on November 19th, 2017
1. Ballerina Princess Astronaut
This is the first thing I remember wanting to be. More than likely, this stemmed from a mixture of ballet lessons, reading The Little Princess, and watching short movies about stars.
2. Writer
When I was six, I wrote my first story. It was about a cat, and I dedicated it to my brother (which he mistakenly believed meant he got to keep the book itself). After that, I wrote stories, pages of dialogue, and poetic sounding lines (but no poetry. That was for the beret wearing coffee drinkers).
3. Teacher
This one makes me laugh now because I really can't see myself as a teacher anymore. But at the time, I wanted to teach second grade and decorate my classroom with owls and paper cutouts of trees. In actuality, I probably just wanted to be my mother.
4. Actress
When I was eight, I took part in two week long summer plays at the dance school I went to. I loved every minute of it, and it was like lightening struck. After that, being an actress was the only thing I wanted to be. I wanted to be on TV and walk down a red carpet, which now seems absolutely terrifying.
5. Social Worker
Even though I didn't know the term, I wanted to be involved with helping kids have the best life possible. I told my third grade teacher that I was going to adopt twelve kids and have a big house where they could run around and play with the many cats I'd have (no dogs. I was still scared of dogs at this point). This idea stayed in the back of my mind until I realized that I'd probably have trouble emotionally distancing myself from everything.
6. Clinical Psychologist
I'm not ashamed to say that when I was in eighth grade I would sign my essays "Dr. Claira Eastwood, Ph.D" and then hastily delete it before turning it in. For a while, I saw a therapist who worked with a clinical psychologist and she'd tell me all about the job itself and what kind of training I'd need. I was obsessed with this dream, and it's something I still think back on and wonder if I'd still want to do it.
7. Full-Time Traveler
Paired with being a writer, I wanted to travel the world and write about all that I saw. This is still something I'd like to do someday, but I don't think I'd want it to be my entire job. At the time, though, I could think of nothing better than gallivanting across cities and countrysides and writing about it all.
8. Sociologist
This stemmed from my love of geography and other cultures. I wanted to know how people in other countries/cultures lived and what was important to them.
9. Communications Director for something important
This probably came from watching one too many episodes of West Wing and/or Gilmore Girls.
10. Theatre Actress
Which, by the way, is different than #4. I wanted to teach acting and direct my own plays. I wanted to work on a stage every night and feel that familiar magical rush again and again. I still do, only I'm sure I want that for a career anymore.
If I'm being honest, I'm not sure what I want to do. Of all the things I've wanted to be, writing is the only thing that has come up time and time again. Acting and teaching make their regular appearances, but writing has always been the constant. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what I end up doing. I have a little under nine months until my registration day for college, but I don't necessarily have to declare a major right away. I'll be figuring it out along the way, and I'm okay with that.
The Map
Originally published on November 16th, 2017
I was born in Maryland. It was a cold Friday when I came out into the world two days before Halloween.
I lived in three states by the time I was eighteen- Maryland, Illinois, and California.
I grew up by the beach, but I’ve been scared of the ocean ever since it tried to take me back with it one day when I was five.
Rome will always be the home of my rebellious self. Shown in a flash, gone in an instant.
The Golden Gate Bridge stands as a reminder of all I wanted when I was eight, and all I want now at eighteen.
New York is where I discovered my fear of heights.
L.A. is where I got lost in the galaxies, made the choice to chase my dreams, and got left in a hotel lobby on my half birthday.
Cupertino is where I developed insecurities and lost myself a little bit.
Sacramento is where I grew up.
Seattle is where I learned to not make decisions based in fear.
Portland is where I got lost in a bookshelf of theatre.
D.C. is where I wandered out of the hotel room while asleep because fighting stays with me hours after it’s gone quiet.
London stands as a testament to my scuffed up converse and frizzy hair.
Edinburgh will always carry a piece of my soul.
Boston will always be the place I almost went, but instead became like a figment of my imagination.
The world is at my fingertips, and I’m slowly filling in the map of where I’ve been.
The Time We Got Up at 6’AM
Originally published on November 12th, 2017
At six o'clock on Saturday morning, my friend Annaliese woke me up. I jumped down from the top bunk and pulled on my NASA sweatshirt and purple converse shoes. Annaliese handed me one of her coffee things and I grabbed my light blue blanket. We left the lodge and made our way outside into the cool, (very) early morning air.
This was the beginning of the only full day we had at the Junior/Senior Retreat I went to late last month. Annaliese has a tradition of walking to the wooden cross out in the fields of Leoni Meadows, and the day before she'd asked me if I wanted to join her in getting up early to watch the sunrise. Without hesitating, I said yes and found myself up before the crack of dawn. We were up about an hour and twenty minutes before sunrise, so we walked the short distance to a bridge and sat under the stars instead of going to the cross right away. We talked about a myriad of different things, from our excitement about college, to boys, to the things we're currently worried about. We sat criss crossed on the concrete with the blanket over us as the sun slowly started to rise.
As the sky began to turn into beautiful purplish blue, we got up and walked across the gravel that used to hold small train tracks. We opened the coffee containers, and sat on top of the blanket sipping it slowly. We talked about our future career choices, and why we love mornings like this. We talked about writing and friendships and our childhoods. The minutes were soaked with honesty and vulnerability, and that's what I loved about it. We were real with each other as we sat on the gravel sipping coffee. My toes were frozen and my hair was tangled, but I didn't care.
I love mornings like this. I love getting to connect with people and getting to know them better. This is the sort of thing that makes me excited to grow up, because I know I'll get to do more things like this. Annaliese and I made plans to stay in touch next year, and as we walked back to the lodge to get ready, I had another one of those moments where I felt totally at peace. Last year, the Junior/Senior retreat was the weekend when the whole year turned around for me. I had found my people, and they made my Junior year what it was for me. This year was no different, as I once again bonded with amazing people who I can tell will be incredibly important to me not only for this year, but for many more years after.
(pc) Annaliese
Middle Ground
Originally published on November 09th, 2017
On November 08th of last year, I sat on my bed with a blanket over me as I watched the election results pour in. My phone buzzed and I looked down to see a text from one of my friends from last year's senior class. She asked me if I was watching, and I replied saying I was. I came to school the next day feeling as though I was surrounded by echoes of all I'd previously known. The same girl and I stayed back in our first class as we wordlessly watched Hillary Clinton's concession speech with our teacher. Tears rolled down my face and I tried my best to take deep breaths. As the school day came to an end, I walked toward the office to leave. I passed by a guy in my class wearing a red, "Make America Great Again" hat. I looked at him and said congratulations, trying to be as big of a person as I could muster. He shook my hand and said thank you.
In the past year, a lot has happened. Politically, I still believe we're in a mess. I don't agree with what is happening. I don't agree with what is being said by the President. I don't think we're going in a good direction. Even so, I have still been able to find some good in all of this bad. For starters, that guy wearing the hat the day after the election? Over the past year, he has become one of my best friends, and that's what I want to talk about today.
Both of us are very outspoken individuals, and we don't shy away from sharing our opinions when it is appropriate to do so (over the past year I've learned when it's an appropriate time and when it isn't). We're on opposite sides of political spectrum, too. Seriously, over the summer we both took a quiz and we're literally exact opposites. Despite this, we have a lot of things in common. Both of us have a huge interest in learning about other countries and cultures. I'm the SA Religious Vice President, and he's the Senior Class Pastor. We also both find Gary Johnson interviews extremely humorous, and sitting next to each other in Government class for the first quarter proved to be a quite enjoyable time. We're both in the book club, and and we both write poetry. Despite our political differences, we're very similar at our core.
That's what this past year has taught me: Who we are at our core has nothing to do with who we voted for. Who we are at our core has everything to do with our character. I would hope that you vote for the person who best aligns with your character, but that's not my point. My point is we have to find the middle ground. We can't paint everyone with the same brush. We can't find the one thing we disagree on and only focus on that. If we do that, nothing will ever change. I believe that we all want one thing in common- to be happy. We may have different views of what happiness is, but we all want it. We can't be happy if we're fighting all the time. Don't get me wrong, I'm still doing all I can to make this world a better place, I just don't think fighting with everyone is my way of doing that.
Finding a middle ground when it comes to politics is not easy. Trust me, I should know. But in the past year I've learned to find at least one thing I relate to with the people I disagree with. Whether that has to do with politics, or the fact that we both like Harry Potter and pizza. Sometimes it's hard, but it's never impossible.
The Song That Made Me Sob in a Makeshift Church
Originally published on November 05th, 2017
The week before my 18th birthday, I went to the Junior/Senior retreat at Leoni Meadows. This place has become very important to me over the last few months, and it's not hard for me to see why. The last night of the retreat, a song called "Jesus, Jesus" by Noah Gundersen was played by one of the song leaders. I wasn't expecting it, but this song made me sob in my seat. The lyrics have been going through my head ever since, and today I wanted to go through some of them.
Jesus, Jesus, could you tell me what the problem is
With the world and all the people in it?
Because I've been hearing stories about the end of the world
But I'm in love with a girl and I don't wanna leave her
And the television screams such hideous things
They're talking about the war on the radio
They say the whole thing's gonna blow
And we will all be left alone
No, we'll be dead and we won't know what hit us
This is the first verse. By the third line, tears were already spilling down my cheeks. The thing about this song is it said everything that I've been told/that I've felt for so long. From eighth grade, in particular, I've been told that before Jesus comes back I'll be deserted, left alone; that I'll have to fend for myself and I won't have anyone. Every time something happens in the world that's related to war, terrorism, or natural disasters I feel the pit in my stomach tighten. It makes me think that I only have so much time left to be with the people I love.
Jesus, Jesus, if you're up there won't you hear me
‘Cause I've been wondering if you're listening for quite a while
And Jesus, Jesus, it's such a pretty place we live in
And I know we fucked it up, please be kind
Don't let us go out like the dinosaurs
Or blown to bits in a third world war
There are a hundred different things I'd still like to do
I'd like to climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower
Look up from the ground at a meteor shower
And maybe even raise a family
"It's such a pretty place we live in" caused the tears to fall a little faster. I still believe that God wouldn't put us here only to wait for it to be destroyed. I don't think he would let us be here for so long if there wasn't still something good. This world is still beautiful, and I truly do believe that. One of my biggest "problems," for lack of a better word, is the fact that I want to do, see, and accomplish so many things before Jesus comes back. When I was little I used to pray for him not to come back until I'd gotten married and had kids. I wanted to experience that part of life, and honestly? I still really do.
Jesus, Jesus, there are those that say they love you
But they have treated me so goddamn mean
And I know you said ‘forgive them for they know not what they do'
But sometimes I think they do
And I think about you
If all the heathens burn in hell, do all their children burn as well?
What about the Muslims and the gays and the unwed mothers?
What about me and all my friends?
Are we all sinners if we sin?
Does it even matter in the end if we're unhappy?
*cue the sobbing and me falling onto the shoulder of the person next to me* The concept of forgiveness has always been difficult for me. The line about people knowing when they're being cruel especially got to me, and it caused me to break down into full-fledged sobs. I love my friends. I love my family. I believe that I am surrounded by good people. I don't like the idea of a god that sends people to hell because of something that they can't control.
Jesus, Jesus, I'm still looking for answers
Though I know that I won't find them here tonight
But Jesus, Jesus, could you call me if you have the time?
And maybe we could meet for coffee and work it out
And maybe then I'll understand what it's all about
Ahh, yes- answers. The thing that I want but have trouble getting. I don't like being patient, and I don't like misunderstanding something. I don't like being unsure, and I really don't like crying in front of people, but that's what I was doing. I sat in that chair and cried. At some point, my friend Mary switched places with one of the people next to me and I kept crying. There was something about this song that touched such a real, honest part of me.
I talk about being genuine all the time. So much, in fact, that it's the third part of the tagline for this website. I appreciate vulnerability and honesty with people and with yourself, but for some reason, the idea of being honest with God didn't come to mind. This song put words to my thoughts, my emotions, and my fears, and I'm very thankful for it. I'd been so anxious and fearful because of everything that had been happening in the world a couple weeks ago, and still now. This song was comforting, and it continues to be. It was a simple reminder that being honest is important, and that doesn't just apply to yourself and the people around you.
9 Things to Accomplish By 19
Originally published on November 02nd, 2017
So I turned 18 four days ago. Knowing me, it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise that I'm already thinking about all that I want to accomplish before my next birthday. Because of this, I wanted to compile the 9 things I could think of into one post. I'm also going to try really hard to not look at this until next year, but I can't make any promises.
1. Read 18 books
Again, not too much of a surprise. I read 16 books while being 16, and 17 while being 17, so it's only natural that I should continue the pattern.
2. Participate in a poetry slam OR open mic
I haven't decided yet if it would be easier to do a poetry slam where it's a possibility that I'd have to get up 3 times, or an open mic where the people are a tad bit more experienced. I'll keep you updated on what I decide, but either way, I want to get my poetry out there to more people. Speaking of which...
3. Publish a book
Let's just say there's something currently in the works, and it has to do with some environmentally friendly balloons ;-)
4. Get my driver's license
Seriously, I think it's about time. I'm still studying for my third attempt at the written test, but I don't have a test date yet. Don't worry, I'm working on it.
5. Travel to 5 completely new places
I really want to do and see lots of new things this year, and that's going to require traveling. I have a lot of plans already, and I'm really excited to see where this goal, in particular, takes me.
6. Be working or volunteering in a theatre
By the time I'm 19, I'll be in college. I'm 98% sure of where I'm going, and I've already filled out forms for volunteering at nearby theaters in the city I'll be living in. This is one of the harder ones on the list, but it's definitely still doable.
7. Improve French skills
I was really on top of learning French a couple years ago, and it's slowly fallen by the wayside ever since moving. I'm going to Paris this summer, and I think it's really important that I know at least some basic phrases before I go. Ideally, I'd like to be able to read and understand some French children's books by the time I'm 19.
8. Write a short film
I'm not setting the goal of filming it yet because I think a year is too short a time to make that happen, but I think writing it is okay. I'd really like to stretch my creative muscles and writing skills in a totally new way this year, and a short film seems like the ideal way to do that.
9. Be happy
While quite vague, this one is very important to me. I'm going to be in a totally new place, surrounded by new people. I'm hopefully going to have accomplished some really good things, and have gone to great places. I want to be happy with where I am and what I'm doing, and I still want to be thankful for all that I have.
So there we have it, my nine goals to accomplish by the time I'm nineteen. It's a rather scary thought, but also pretty exciting at the same time. Wish me luck, and I'll be back to recap these in one year's time.
Books I've Read & Places I've Loved: October 2017
Originally published on October 29th, 2017
First of all, IT'S MY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!! Second of all, wow October went by fast... that was kind of insane, actually. I did something every weekend this month, from my school's fall festival to the Junior/Senior retreat, I was very busy and I LOVED it. I finished my reading goal and got to visit some new places, and all in all, I'm very happy with how this month turned out.
BOOKS I'VE READ
the sun and her flowers by rupi kaur
Earlier this year, in February to be exact, I read milk and honey, which was Rupi Kaur's first book. I loved it, and when I discovered that she was writing another one, I was excited for the day when I'd get to read that one as well. Earlier this month I was walking around Barnes and Noble with my grandmother, and I turned around to be greeted by a display of the sun and her flowers. I hadn't realized that it had already been published, so I promptly picked it up and finished it within the next couple days. I love Kaur not only for what she writes about, but how she writes it. There is a lot of criticism for how she writes because people say it's not really poetry and is simply poetic sounding sentences, but I think she's brilliant. Poetry has no boundaries, restrictions, or rules, and that's one of the things that makes it (and Rupi Kaur) so great.
The Captain's Verses by Paublo Neruda
You all know I'm a total sucker for bilingual poetry books, and this one was no different. I read it in just under two days, and it was one of those books where you find something to love on every page. I read another collection of Neruda's poetry earlier this year (in May...? I think.), and I loved that one as well. When looking over the books I've read while being seventeen, I honestly thought there would be more poetry than otherwise, but it was pretty equal, with 8 books of poetry and 9 novels/others. I loved all the poetry I've read this year, but whenever it's a bilingual copy I tend to love it even more.
Give Me a God I Can Relate To by Blythe Baird
Last week, I was driving to school with my mom (because I still don't have the coveted driver's license) when I got a text from Annaliese. She told me to come find her when I got to school because she had something for me. I was already running late for Book Club, but I made a detour for the library where I was handed a wrapped present with a bow. I went to Book Club and spent the whole time staring at it, waiting for the next class period when I could meet with Annaliese to open it with her. When I found her, she laughed and said I could have opened it without her, but we still sat in the hallway as I opened it. Inside was this book, and I finished it last Tuesday (see? I told you I'd be better at reading than I was last year.) There was a lot in this that I couldn't relate to, but I still found myself underlining the majority and dog-earing the pages I loved the most. I'm very glad this was the last book I read while being seventeen.
PLACES I'VE LOVED
(pc) Annaliese
Dixon Corn Maze - Dixon, CA
For my school's first SA "banquet" of the year, we went to the Dixon Corn Maze, which just so happens to be in the 2014 Guinness Book of World Records. We ate Chipotle in the parking lot and ran through the corn maze and got lost on purpose. When one of my friends accidentally locked his keys in his car with another one of my friend's homework inside, we all waited in the parking lot some more. It was a great way to spend a Sunday, and it was refreshing to spend time with people I love without the stress of school on our shoulders.
(pc) Annaliese
(pc) Annaliese
Leoni Meadows - CA
Yup, I went back again, but this time for the annual Junior/Senior Retreat. I went last year, and if I could pinpoint the time when last year changed around for me, that weekend would be it. I'm very glad I was able to go again this year because I was able to bond with some of my favorite people even more. From sleeping on the top bunk, to getting up at six a.m., to staying up past midnight having deep conversations with amazing people, it was a great weekend and I'm so happy I went.
October was one of the good months of the year so far. I went to a lot of place, saw a lot people, and did a lot of things. I read three really good books, and, you know, I turned eighteen. I'm very thankful for this month, and I hope the rest of the year follows in it's footsteps.
17 Things I Learned While Being 17
Originally published on October 26th, 2017
My 18th birthday is in THREE DAYS! This year has been a whirlwind, with so much happening and so many things being planned, and 18 is looking to be quite the amazing age. But before I look too far ahead, I thought it would be nice to look back at 17 and find some of the things I learned.
1. I don't have to be good at Chemistry.
I really wish I had realized this at the beginning of my Junior year, but I didn't. I can't tell you how many times I walked out of the Chemistry lab and thought I was the stupidest person in the world because I couldn't understand or remember anything I had just been taught. The thing is, I didn't have to be good at Chemistry. I passed the class, and that is what matters. I am good at many other things, and Chemistry doesn't need to be one of them. This applies to so many other things. I don't have to pass my written DMV test the first time (or the second), I don't have to read every book everyone else is reading, and I don't have to good at the same things as everyone else. I am my own person, and I don't have to be good at everything.
2. Send your writing places.
Seriously. Because this (7:22) was pretty cool.
3. The people I met in the past year are in my life for a reason.
For some, I don't know the reason, but for others, I can pinpoint exactly when I realized the reason they had been placed in my life and I had been placed in theirs. I am so incredibly thankful for everyone that is in my life, and I am especially grateful for the people I have met in the past year who have changed my life for the better.
4. Don't be afraid to leave a plan behind (i.e. cut your hair)
Remember back in February when I cut 7 inches off my hair? I am very happy I did that because it allowed me to prove to myself that I can steer away from a plan if I want and are able to. I'm growing my hair out again because I do want to eventually donate it, but I'm glad I cut it eight months ago.
5. Go to basketball games, banquets, vespers, and other events.
PARTICIPATE IN THINGS!! Some of my favorite memories of this year happened at events I was hesitant about going to, and I am so happy I ended up going. However, I also learned that when I'm emotionally exhausted from an especially long week, it's okay to say no when I'm asked to go to a Saturday night basketball game. Sometimes going to an event when I'm already feeling uneasy and anxious can make those uncomfortable feelings worse, and I'm glad I've learned to notice when that may be the case.
6. Be okay with months of not creating anything.
It took me a long time to get back into songwriting (I didn't write one from September 2016 to April 2017), but once I did it felt great. One of the most important things that I learned this year was that creative droughts are not bad, in fact they can be used to recharge my creative energy by soaking up other people's creativity. I used to beat myself up if I didn't finish a certain number of projects in a month, and I'm glad I've learned that that is not the best way to go about things.
7. I can be so open minded that I become closed minded.
This was a tough one. As you well know by now, I have a tendency to be very opinionated and quick to say what I think. This year I have been exposed to different ways of thinking, and some of the people I have met have become incredibly good friends that I can talk to about our differences and we can still leave the conversation feeling respected. However, this year I have also had the opposite experience where I have met some people I strongly disagree with and it has been really hard to remain calm in those situations. But I'm still learning, and that's okay.
8. Communication, communication, communication...
Seriously. If you have something you need or want to talk about, talk about it. Also, "better late than never" doesn't always work, so talking sooner than later is always best.
9. Your feelings are justified simply because you're feeling them.
Even if you end up being wrong (and don't realize you were wrong until five months later), it's okay to feel whatever you needed to feel. Asking for help doesn't make you weak, but in fact makes you stronger. Crying doesn't mean you can't control your emotions, it simply means you're human. Feelings are hard to navigate, but whether they are good or bad they are always okay to have.
10. There are people who will do bad things.
I am of the mindset that people are inherently good, and I will always believe that. However, I have had to learn this year that some people are going to do bad things. Some people will break your trust, treat the people you love with utter horror, and turn out to be different than you thought. But there are also good people. There are people who will lift you up when you are down, and there are people who will be there when you need them. Those people will always be there.
11. Don't leave it, change it.
But if you've tried your best and it simply cannot be changed for whatever reason, walk away knowing that you tried your best. (Just to be clear, I'm not applying this to relationships. There are some relationships that simply cannot be fixed and it's always best to leave them.)
12. Where people are in their own lives will affect how big a part they can play in your life.
A hard lesson to learn, but definitely one of the most important.
13. Be adventurous.
In July I visited Seattle and stayed with one of my Mom's friends from college. I hadn't really thought about it until my first night there, but I had never actually met her before staying with her. Even so, those few days turned out to be some of the most important and amazing of my entire year.
14. I'm not an outdoors-y kind of person, and that's okay.
I don't like bugs. I don't like seven mile hikes up steep hills. I don't like being out of cell service for more than a day. But I do like sleeping under the stars. I do like waking up in a sleeping bag and feeling a cool breeze. I do like smaller hikes with my friends and family. I've talked about this a LOT lately, but if Senior Survival taught me one thing, it was to be okay with not liking things.
15. Your mentality and your priorities will change.
Last year, I was convinced I'd learned everything I was supposed to learn while in high school. It's only the beginning of the second quarter, and I've learned so many things about myself, the people I love, and life in general, so obviously I was wrong. Different things are important to me now, and the things that mattered SO MUCH last year now seem almost trivial, but in a good way. Growing up is scary, but parts of it are okay.
16. Live in the questions, instead of spending all your time looking for the answers.
To be honest, I'm still working on this one. But this quote from Letters to a Young Poet is helping: "You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can... to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to the love the questions themselves like locked rooms and books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then, gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant say into the answer." (Letter 4)
17. Surround yourself with creativity.
In September of this year, I went to my first poetry slam. I spent the next few days happier than I've been in a while simply because I was surrounded by creativity and smart, insightful people for about three hours. I loved every second of it, and it just reinforced how much I want to live a creative life, with creative people, doing creative things. It also taught me that in order to do that, I need to surround myself with creativity more.
_________
Sixteen was a year where I was going up and up, and then crashed down before slowly starting back up. Seventeen, on the other hand, was far more balanced. It was a roller coster that went up, and then down, and then started over. Even so, I wouldn't trade the bad things for anything. After all, those moments are what gave me these seventeen lessons. Eighteen is looking to be a wonderful, busy, spectacular year filled with so many good things, and I'm very excited. To seventeen, I'm not sure if I'll miss you. You were the kind of year I needed, but not necessarily the one I wanted. Still, thank you. Thank you for the good things, and also for the bad things. Although I'm happy to leave you behind, I believe I will still look back on you fondly.
Far too Young to be This Old
Originally published on October 22nd, 2017
As my seventeenth birthday drew to a close, I sat on my floor writing in my journal. Inside, I wrote "...I'm here, at 17, feeling far too young to be this old. My room is a vibrant green, I sleep with a stuffed moose with orange antlers, and I still use a nightlight. All my Kate DiCamillo books are displayed proudly on my shelf, and my socks either don't match or proudly whimsical." I closed the journal and lay on my back, staring at my ceiling. I do this a lot, actually. I stare at my ceiling, at stars, at clouds, etc. Laying on my back and gazing at what's above me is something I've done for as long as I can remember, and it's not something I see changing anytime soon.
I have a very vivid memory of being nine years old and brushing my hair before going to sleep. I'd just cut my hair short for the first time, and it rested around my chin. I was wearing a white, long-sleeved nightgown with dozens of colorful ballerinas on it. As I brushed my hair and looked into the mirror, I thought to myself I never want to grow up. I want to stay nine years old forever. I figured I'd be the one lucky person who could join Peter Pan and never grow up. Obviously, I didn't stay a small nine year old forever, as my eighteenth birthday is only one week away.
But like my nine year old and seventeen year old self, I don't want to grow up. I still feel like Wendy Darling, and I still feel far too young to be this old. I still have a daydream mentality that keeps me gazing at what's above me, and I still wear mismatched socks most of the time. I thought I'd feel older by now, and I thought I'd have had more figured out. I don't know how to drive, I don't know how to write my own personal statement, and I have no idea how to fill out whatever the FAFSA is. But, like so many people in my life tell me time and time again, I don't have to have it all figured out right now. That's what growing up is for- to learn from our mistakes, to figure it out along the way, and to just grow up.
I'll be eighteen in seven days (seven days!!), but that doesn't mean that I only have one week to get it all together. I think I'm doing okay, and while I know I still have so much to learn, I get a whole new year to do that. This year is going to bring along so many changes. I'll go through my senior year, I'll graduate, and I'll head off to college, but before I do any of those things I get to grow up a little bit more. I don't have to feel old enough to be old enough. I can still sleep with my stuffed moose while a nightlight shines into the darkness, I can still ask questions when I don't understand something, I can still lay on my back and stare up at the sky, and I can still take the time to grow up.
Alice
Originally published on October 19th, 2017
I feel like Alice, always one step behind.
Never knowing who to look for, or who I’ll eventually find.
Racing through the forest and dashing through the trees,
Stuck in a bottle while floating on the sea.
I feel too big for this house, yet too small for this world.
How do some people fit, and others, like me, only twirl?
I’m too much of some things, yet others not enough.
I’m often stuck in the middle, and yeah, it’s rough.
Everyone who is trying to be something, is getting tired of trying.
Tired of searching, and tired of crying.
And I am feeling lost and I don’t think I’ll be found anytime soon.
I’m waiting for good things while staring at the moon.
If the best ones are mad, then I feel quite sane.
Because the best ones aren’t simple, and I’m stuck feeling plain.
All of them, way out there, have dreams to be lived,
And while I too have my plans, I’m convinced I’ve been outbid.
So I’ll have to find Wonderland, because they’re all mad there.
I’ll use my imagination, and try not to be scared.
Because I do believe in the impossible, and I know forever is short,
I have dreams to be dreamed, and my plans I won’t thwart.
Here I go now, one foot then the other.
A rabbit hole of dreams, another and another
Through Wonderland I’ll go, though I’m not sure if I’ll fit.
But because I believe in magic, I know I will find it.
23andMe - My Experience
Originally published on October 15th, 2017
Sophomore year, I learned about a company called 23andMe in my Biology class. I've always been interested in genetics and ancestry, and the whole idea of someone being able to tell me where I came from is extremely appealing. So for my eighteenth birthday gift, I asked my grandparents if I could try it. My mom was also interested, so we both decided to do it. Since it takes so long to do, I ordered the kits in September and started the process as soon as they arrived. The kits themselves came very quickly, and they looked like this:
The day after it arrived, I opened it up and read the manual. Inside was a small tube, a cap to secure on the other end, and a plastic bag to put the tube into when you mail it back.
Spitting into the tube reminded me greatly of the time I attempted to take part in a study at Stanford a few years ago (which I talked about a few months ago). The tube may look small, but when you have to spit a certain amount inside, it suddenly seems much bigger. Once the tubes were filled, my mom and I finished packing them up and got them ready to mail back to 23andMe the next day. We left for my school about ten minutes earlier the next morning and went past the post office. Once they were mailed, it was about a month of waiting.
A few weeks ago I had a Monday off of school and spent the morning working off some more community service hours (because I'm graduating in almost seven months...). When I got home, I checked my email and was pleased to discover that my results were ready. I went to the website to see them. As it turns out, I'm *trumpet sounds*
How's that for obvious? As I delved into the results, I learned that I am:
36.2% British and Irish
32.4% French and German
21.7% Broadly Northwestern European
2.5% Italian (cue my mouth wide open in surprise)
0.9% Broadly Southern European
0.6% Eastern European (more surprises)
5.7% Broadly European
I knew for sure that I was British, French, German, and Eastern European (though I was expecting a higher percentage.) What I had no idea about was the Italian. Although a very tiny percentage, it was still really cool to discover. Since my mom did it too, I was able to calculate what I got from her and what I got from my dad's side, which was also really interesting.
All in all, this was a cool thing to do. As I've gotten older, I've tried to learn as much about where I came from as possible. Luckily, I come from a family of storytellers who have been telling me things like this for as long as I could remember. Even though I knew most of this already, this was another piece of me figuring out where I came from, who I am, and who I want to be. I think that's a big part of growing up. You can't figure out where you want to go until you've figured out where you've come from. Your past, whether it be your ancestry or your childhood, is a part of you- a big part of you. I'm really glad I did this, and I highly recommend it. Who knows, maybe you'll learn something you didn't know at all, or what you thought will be confirmed. Either way, it's a cool experience and helps you learn more about yourself.
Learning to Simply Be
Originally published on October 12th, 2017
On the first full day of the Leadership Conference, I could be found sitting at the bottom of a slide crying. Now, yes, I am very aware that I spend lots of time talking about how I hate crying in front of people and in general but that I still tend to do it a lot. This weekend was definitely no exception, as I cried quite a bit. During one of my RVP meetings, one of the people leading the meeting said they knew that being the Religious Vice can sometimes mean you become almost a therapist to the people around you, and that it's easy to forget about yourself and only focus on those around you. She told us to find a quiet place away from everyone else, and to simply sit and be for about 45 minutes. I walked out of the room and found an empty slide. I sat down at the bottom and immediately felt the tears trickle down my face.
Here's the thing: The week leading up to the conference had been emotionally draining. I spent hours with my friends as they cried on bathroom floors, against outside walls, and in empty hallways. I stayed up late texting with people who didn't know what they were doing in so many different areas of life. I pushed aside my stuff that I deemed petty and trivial and only focused on them. I spent a little bit with my mom debriefing what I was going through, but for the most part I kept it inside. So when I was given the chance to put all of that aside, I gladly jumped at it.
I sat in the slide and thought about how I don't know how to choose which college to go to. Where I go determines my major, where I'll be living, and whether or not I decide to study abroad. I thought about how I'm heartbroken about stupid stuff and don't know what to do about it, and how my classes are stressing me out to no end. And then, of course, I thought about my friends. I don't know how to help them. I don't know what to say or what to do, and I have no idea how to be the kind of friend they deserve to have.
Finally, the tears stopped. I took a deep breath and looked around at the trees and felt the cool air surround me. I closed my eyes and kept breathing. I still don't know where I'm going for college. I don't have it all together, and although it seems petty, I am heartbroken about stuff because relationships are complicated and I don't know how to go back to being friends with people when I'm not convinced we were even friends in the first place. I'm still not sure how to be there for my friends, but I do know that I'm doing my best, and that's all I can do with all of this.
I continued to take deep breaths as the 45 minutes came to a close and I walked back to the meeting room. Since leaving the conference, the feeling I had as I left the slide has stayed with me. Through all this confusion and lack of answers, I've tried to find peace. I'm still working on learning how to take a step back and breath, but I think I'm getting better. I can tell that this year is going to be rough in many ways, but I can also tell that it's going to be good. Learning how to simply be is so important, and I have a feeling that's something I'm going to be working on all year. I hope all of you find time to take a step back sometime soon. I know firsthand that we can sometimes get so bogged down with what's going on around us that we forget to stop. This week, stop for a moment and look around. Take a deep breath, and then just keep breathing.
A very subpar picture of my view from the bottom of the slide.
Well, What a Year it Has Been
Originally published on October 08th, 2017
When I was eight years old, I started my first website. It never really became anything, and over time I simply lost interest. After a couple years, however, I slowly began to think about the idea of having a blog again. Not much was happening in my life, but I had my interests, and I liked the idea of sharing them. In July of 2016, my dad bought me the url for www.keepsusstargazing.com. The website had been running around my head for a couple months, and the name had come to mind along with two others that I can no longer remember. I lay in my room at my grandparents house at night thinking of series ideas and what I wanted the website to become.
On October 7th, 2016, I decided to make the website go live a couple days early. I'd spent July-September designing the logo and writing a few posts so nothing would look empty. I showed it to my family with a smile on my face. I was very excited about what I was doing, and over the next few months this website became a place of comfort for me, like I still hope it can be for other people.
Today is October 8th, 2017, so technically we've been here for a year and a day, but that sounds too specific and particular for a website devoted to books and whimsy, so let's just say we've been here a year. And oh what a year it has been. Over the last twelve months I've changed my mind about a few things. I don't have as much photography as I'd like, and I definitely post more poetry than I'd been expecting. As a matter of fact, a year ago I'd only written one poem (Dear All the Luna Lovegoods ), and I was scared enough of posting that. Even so, some things haven't changed at all. I still post on Sundays and Thursdays, and the About page hasn't changed a word. I still talk about books and share stories from my life, but there have been a couple times where I've gotten a little more political than originally planned.
I'm still very proud of what I'm doing here. Although small in audience, this website has given me many things. I think I've become a better writer over the last year, and I definitely think I've started reading more since starting Books I've Read & Places I've Loved, a series that came to mind one of those late July nights. I love this website, and I love what I've done with it. I still want to put more photography out there, just to see how I can improve. I also like the idea of making videos and connecting them, but at the moment that seems like an idea for another day. As for right here, right now, I want to say thank you. Thank you to those of you (Mom, Grandmom, Poppy, England folk) who have been reading since day one, and thank you to those of you who recently found the link on Instagram and have been reaching out to me more.
This may sound crazy, but I truly believe that writing here has made me a better person. I've become more in touch with myself, and hopefully with the people around me as well. I hope you'll all stay with me until October of 2018, and even beyond that. Here's to another year of books, places, poetry, and environmentally friendly balloons. Thank you <3
When You Finally Get to Say Thank You
Originally published on October 05th, 2017
Sometime in the summer of 2006, I was at family camp with my parents and my brother. My dad was the pastor for that week, and we had all gone with him. This is one of those weird memories I have where I remember feeling happy, but also knowing that feeling wouldn't last forever. I don't know if all kids with divorced parents felt that way at some point, but I know I had that feeling many times. Over that week, we became acquainted with many of the staff members at the camp. There was one person in particular, who we'll call AH, who I got to know really well, as he was often looking out for me and my brother. He was one of the reasons I wanted to go back the next year so badly, but unfortunately, I wasn't able to. The year after that, however, my bags were packed and I returned to summer camp, this time by myself.
That second summer, on the Saturday, all the campers and staff members went on a hike. As we went along, I slowly began to fall behind. It was then that AH walked back to me and asked how I was doing. I said I okay, but didn't like hiking very much. To keep me distracted, he asked what I was interested in. I said horses at first, but the conversation quickly turned to my love of writing. I said writing made me happy and I wanted to be an author someday. AH turned to me and said I should always pursue what I love, and that he hoped I was published someday.
For the next three years, every time I returned to camp, whether for the summer or outdoor education in fifth grade, AH would be there and would ask about my writing. I'd tell him about all I was doing, and then I'd tell him about how school was going. Coincidentally, those three years were some of the worst for me. Having someone who was genuinely interested in my writing was invaluable to me. Getting the chance to be distracted from the things that were hard and getting to focus on something I loved was important, and AH gave me that opportunity. Every time I'd say goodbye, he would tell me to keep doing what I was doing, and those words always meant a lot to me. They were always short conversations, maybe a couple sentences said each, but they still meant so much to me.
In 2011, AH left the camp to do other things. I remember hearing he'd left to be a teacher, and I remember being absolutely crushed. I returned to camp, but it was always a little different. He'd been the person I went to when I was homesick, and the person I'd talk to about how I was doing in general. Luckily, I found an amazing counselor who I had for two years in a row, but that's a different story for another time. Over the next couple years, I regretted not saying thank you to this person who had been instrumental in my decision to keep writing. You see, writing was the thing that kept me grounded. Life is really good now, but it wasn't always. I went through a lot of really crappy stuff, but through all of it I kept writing. Whether it was stories, poetry, journal entries, or now with this blog, I've written everything down. Writing has, in many ways, kept me as the person I am today. I have a very strong support system at home, and I could write thousands of posts about how my family and friends have helped me through countless experiences, but much of what kept me writing was knowing that there was this person who I'd get to talk to once a year about how it was going. So when he left, I regretted not saying thank you. However, as the years went on I figured he didn't remember me anyway so I gradually forgot about it.
Six years later, at the end of September 2017, I had the chance to go on the Leadership Conference as the Religious Vice President for SA. When I got there, I looked through the pamphlet of names to see who was there as well. As my eyes scanned through the list, they stopped on one name in particular. Here's the thing, I never knew where AH had ended up. It had been six years since he'd worked at the summer camp, and even though I figured he'd become a teacher like I'd heard, I didn't know where. So when I saw his name under one of the many schools I'd almost gone to instead of the one I chose, shocked would be an understatement. One of my best friends from my old school was there, and I pulled her over and quickly told her the whole story. "I really need to say thank you," I said to her. "I'll regret it even more if I don't."
The first night of the leadership conference, I was standing in line for one of the many games (sigh...), and suddenly I was standing next to him, completely by chance. I took a deep breath and said, "This may seem like a strange question, but did you ever work at _____?" He paused and looked at me before saying "Wait, is your last name Eastwood?"
"Yes"
"You used to go all time, sometimes with your parents and brother, right?"
"Yeah. And I wanted to say thank you. I don't know if it was just a passing thought for you or what, but you once told me to pursue writing. Lots of.... stuff happened over the years but I kept writing through it and I wanted to say thank you for being one of the first people to encourage me."
He looked at me and smiled. He asked me how my mom was doing, and said he'd always liked her and hoped she was doing well wherever she was. He asked how my brother was, and when I said he was good, he said he remembered loud noises were always hard for him and hoped he was doing okay. I told him where my dad was and how I was the RVP but it wasn't because I'm a pastor's kid, and he laughed. He asked if I still loved horses, and I said I did even though they scared me sometimes, and he said he remembered I'd loved them when I was little. Then he looked at me and said: "Claira, I remember you, and I remember that conversation. It wasn't a passing thought. It was like I was getting a glimpse into what your life was going to be like, and I knew I had to say something."
I said thank you again, and he gave me a hug before we parted ways and I went over to my group. You should know that during the conversation I was trying to hold back the tears, but a few still managed to escape. And every time I think back on this story, I can't help but cry (so yes, I'm definitely crying while writing this). I was finally able to thank this person who had done so much for me, even if it was as small as telling me to keep writing and then saying hi once a year. Being told that he remembered me, and the small details about my brother meant so much to me, and it still does. It brought back memories from my childhood, some good and some bad. That small conversation where I finally got to say thank you made me remember all he'd done for me in those years between the ages of six and eleven.
There are people who will affect your life in ways you don't even realize until years later. I knew he'd made a difference in my life, but it wasn't until I saw him last month that I realized just how much I appreciated all he'd done. At the end of the weekend, I walked over to him to say thank you once more and he told me to keep doing what I was doing, and said he was thankful I'd stopped to say hi. When you finally get to say thank you, it's a beautiful thing. It's an important thing, and it's a necessary thing. I'm so thankful for all the people in my life who have made me who I am, and I'm especially thankful for all the people who have encouraged my writing. I truly have no idea where I'd be without you.
One of the photographers that weekend was my old principal. He took this picture, it got to my old school where a friend of mine found it when looking through potential pictures for the yearbook, and she passed it on to me. This picture has become very precious to me because it captures the five year old in me who had needed someone like AH.
September
Originally published on October 01st, 2017
September was strange.
It was a long month that felt short, and yet also a short month that felt long.
It was a filler yet had its moments of fulfillment.
Moments of joy, and moments of discouragement.
I liked September.
It introduced me to the ways of words, and the ways of laughter.
I was surrounded by creative people, people who make me think.
I wrote more than I have in a while.
I didn’t like September.
I woke up sad, and I woke up angry, and I cried too much for my liking.
I slept too much, yet too little. I tried hard but still failed.
I wrote more, but I’m not sure any of it is good.
I wrote this poem simply because I didn’t want to write anything else.
It isn’t really good, and I don’t like it all that much.
But it’s better than what I was planning on writing, because I can’t write that anymore.
Life changes too fast to write things in advance.
Books I’ve Read & Places I’ve Loved: September 2017
Originally published on September 28th, 2017
Well, that was September. A month set aside for getting used to school again, but also a month for birthdays, small school trips, and a few good books.
BOOKS I'VE READ
Charles Bukowski On Love edited by Abel Debritto
I still can't decide if I like Charles Bukowski. There are some of his poems that I absolutely adored, most of which were the ones he wrote for his daughter. Then again there were others that made me roll my eyes. I'm glad I read it, though, but I'm not entirely sure I recommend it. I think I'm going to look for some other books of his because I've heard that since he wrote and published so much not everything is as good as everything else. The poems I liked the most were: for the 18 months of Marina Louise, a definition, one for old snaggle-tooth, and for the little one.
Rilke's Book of Hours translated by Anita Barrows & Joanna Macy
I bought this book towards the end of the last school year. To be completely honest with you, I bought it because I was bored with reading the Bible and wanted to try something a little different. I've always loved reading Psalms because they're basically poetry, and this seemed to be like that only, in my opinion, more relatable. Psalms comfort me, while Rilke makes me feel like I'm not crazy. This book has been very grounding for me, and this month I developed the habit of reading three or four of the poems a night. I also have a soft spot in my heart for bilingual versions of poetry, and since this had the original German printed on the left side, I liked it even more.
Someone Knows My Name by Lawrence Hill
This year, my school has a book club on Friday mornings. Out of all the options for Friday electives, this one appealed to me the most for reasons that are probably fairly obvious. This was the first book we've read, and although it took me awhile to get into it, I'm really glad I read it. I will say this, though, don't read this if you're looking for a heartwarming story to read before bed (I have many recommendations for such books if you're curious). This is a book that talks about the slave trade, and follows one girl named Aminata throughout her late childhood through adulthood. It chronicles her experience being a slave and, **spoiler alert**, how her life goes once she escapes. Although it isn't an easy read, it's a good one.
PLACES I'VE LOVED
Luna's Cafe, Sacramento
In the middle of this month I went to a poetry open mic with my mom and one of my friends from school. None of us had ever been to something like it and it was honestly one of my favorite parts of the year so far. I spent three hours listening to poets share their stories, and it was such a beautiful way to start my weekend. I definitely want to go back soon, and I'm excited to be able to.
Leoni Meadows, CA
Since I'm the Religious Vice President for SA this year, I was able to go to the annual Leadership Conference. Although it's a trip meant for learning how to lead others and get stuff done, the weekend ended up being something else entirely for me. I saw people I hadn't seen in YEARS (there's a post coming soon about a conversation I had that meant a lot to me), and I got to finally sit and be still for a few moments. The week leading up to the conference had been intense. Lots had been happening at my school and my personal life in general, and getting the chance to simply be was needed.
William Wordsworth
Originally published on September 24th, 2017
My time in British Literature last year gave me many things. Headaches, stress, and plenty of essays being a few. However, the class also gave me a new appreciation for poets and the words they wrote. One of my favorite memories from my time in that class took place as we were wrapping up the Les Mis rehearsals. My teacher launched into the stories of Romantic era poets, and the lovely William Wordsworth was one of them. Now hold on to your hats, kids, because this is history and poetry and this is where I get nerdy.
His childhood isn't super out of the ordinary for the time period, so here are the rapid fire highlights:
- He was born on April 7th, 1770 in Cumberland.
- Both of his parents died when he was young and because of this he eventually lost touch with his sister, Dorothy, whom he was very close with.
- His uncles helped him go to school, and he eventually went to Cambridge.
Okay, now onto the far more interesting stuff:
In 1790, when he was still a student, Wordsworth took a walking tour (very popular in those days. People would literally just go on walks and stop every so often to stare at nature) through France and parts of Switzerland. Before you say it, yes I know that the French Revolution took place during this time, and no, this is not the last the time he went to France. In fact, he loved being there so much that he returned a year later. It was then that he met Annette Vallon.
They had an affair (Vaudracour and Julia), and Annette gave birth to Anne Caroline. Unfortunately, Wordsworth is forced to return to England because he ran out of money. Because of this, he wasn't there for the birth of his daughter. He saw Dorothy again after many years and they lived together for a while. His financial situation, which had up until then been horrendous, got better after a relative died and left him lots and lots of money (I'm going off of memory here and I can't remember the exact amount).
Now here's the part of this story that I love but also really hate: Since he is now financially in better shape, Wordsworth and his sister travel back to France so he can reconnect with Annette and also work out how he can support Anne Caroline (this is ten years after she was born, by the way). He keeps sending her money as long as he can, but he and Annette come to the realization that they are far too different than they were a decade ago and Wordsworth moves back to England where he marries Mary Hutchinson... *Sigh*.
William Wordsworth died on April 23rd, 1850. He had six children, and published at least fourteen books, though no one knows for sure if there were any more. In his writing he wrote about his life, his troubles, his highs and his lows. If you go through a timeline of his poetry you can see the differences in poem to poem. This is one of the reasons why I love his writing so much. It was honest and dynamic. Equal parts heartbreaking and uplifting. He practically started the Romantic Era with the help of Samuel Taylor Coleridge (don't even get me started...), and in case you were wondering that's probably my favorite era.
This was an unusual post, I know, but every so often I think back on the story of William Wordsworth and get a little obsessive about it. To round things off, here are some of my favorite quotes from him:
"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart."
"The best portion of a good man's life, His little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love."
"... my heart with pleasure fills, and dances with the daffodils."
"She dwelt among the untrodden ways." (also that whole poem is beautiful)
"The world is too much with us; late and soon, getting and spending, we lay waste our powers: Little we see in Nature that is ours."